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-   -   Sdc ghazal 1- draft (http://www.shayri.com/forums/showthread.php?t=77440)

zidd 7th July 2014 08:10 PM

Sdc ghazal 1- draft
 
dosto , aapke sher kuch is tarah se corrections kiye hai maine.
ye final graft nahi hai.
aap sabko ijazat hai ki aap ko agar kuch pasand nahi aaye to self correct kar den.
kuch sher beher se out the unhe shayar hi ke lafzo me beherband karne ki koshish ki hai...jisse thought na badle.
kuch grammatical errors hataii hai.
thats all.
any one can comment on any sher and provide his version for any sher.
if the writer consents to further correction done by any member , then that sher will be accepted.

Mere AaGhaaze muhabbat ki kahaanii hai ye,
kisii gulposh haseenaa ki nishaanii hai ye.....(Shaad)

roz karte hain muhabbat meiN jo marne ki baat
ye muhabbat hai puraanii ke jawaanii hai ye.... (zarraa)

hai chaman unse hi roshan ,hai ye mehfil bhii jawaaN,
hai karishma ya adaa unki suhaani hai ye........ (aadeil)

Ishq ki raah meiN wo tod ke taare laaye
Dil e khushfehm ko ummeed jataani hai yeH... (zainy)

Imtehaa, shokiyaa bhi lene lagi hain mere
Tishnagi qurbato se abto mitani hai ye.......(naaz)

Kabhi ye khilte nahi gul ki tarah din me par
Karay mad-hosh ye shab, raat kee raani hai ye!... (Ahmad hyderabadi)

Mai bhi ashiq ,nahi hone ka, bharam rakh lunga
Tum bhi kah dena ke afwaah puraani hai ye ....... (zidd
)

zarraa 7th July 2014 11:08 PM

Bahaut achchha lag raha hai ye first draft. Sabhi aashaar ko achchhee tarah clean up kiya aap ne. Kaafi had tak aisa lag raha hai ki ek hi shayar ne mukammal ghazal kahi hai.


Ek chhota sa observation hai ghazal aur mere kahe hue sher ke mutalliq. JahaaN baaki sabhi aashaar meiN ye clear hai ki kis person ke hawaale se baat kahi ja rahi hai, jaise "maiN", "wo" ya "un", lekin mere sher meiN ye saaf naheeN ho raha hai. To usey baaki aashaar se consistent banaane ke liye, misra-e-oola meiN "jo" ki jagah "wo" kaha jaaye to meaning wahi rahega, consistency thodi badh jaayegi.

zainy 7th July 2014 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zidd (Post 461303)
dosto , aapke sher kuch is tarah se corrections kiye hai maine.
ye final graft nahi hai.
aap sabko ijazat hai ki aap ko agar kuch pasand nahi aaye to self correct kar den.
kuch sher beher se out the unhe shayar hi ke lafzo me beherband karne ki koshish ki hai...jisse thought na badle.
kuch grammatical errors hataii hai.
thats all.
any one can comment on any sher and provide his version for any sher.
if the writer consents to further correction done by any member , then that sher will be accepted.

Mere AaGhaaze muhabbat ki kahaanii hai ye,
kisii gulposh haseenaa ki nishaanii hai ye.....(Shaad)

roz karte hain muhabbat meiN jo marne ki baat
ye muhabbat hai puraanii ke jawaanii hai ye.... (zarraa)

hai chaman unse hi roshan ,hai ye mehfil bhii jawaaN,
hai karishma ya adaa unki suhaani hai ye........ (aadeil)

Ishq ki raah meiN wo tod ke taare laaye
Dil e khushfehm ko ummeed jataani hai yeH... (zainy)

Imtehaa, shokiyaa bhi lene lagi hain mere
Tishnagi qurbato se abto mitani hai ye.......(naaz)

Kabhi ye khilte nahi gul ki tarah din me par
Karay mad-hosh ye shab, raat kee raani hai ye!... (Ahmad hyderabadi)

Mai bhi ashiq ,nahi hone ka, bharam rakh lunga
Tum bhi kah dena ke afwaah puraani hai ye ....... (zidd
)


waqay bohat achchi ghazal bani hai......:)

aadeil 8th July 2014 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zidd (Post 461303)
dosto , aapke sher kuch is tarah se corrections kiye hai maine.
ye final graft nahi hai.
aap sabko ijazat hai ki aap ko agar kuch pasand nahi aaye to self correct kar den.
kuch sher beher se out the unhe shayar hi ke lafzo me beherband karne ki koshish ki hai...jisse thought na badle.
kuch grammatical errors hataii hai.
thats all.
any one can comment on any sher and provide his version for any sher.
if the writer consents to further correction done by any member , then that sher will be accepted.

Mere AaGhaaze muhabbat ki kahaanii hai ye,
kisii gulposh haseenaa ki nishaanii hai ye.....(Shaad)

roz karte hain muhabbat meiN jo marne ki baat
ye muhabbat hai puraanii ke jawaanii hai ye.... (zarraa)

hai chaman unse hi roshan ,hai ye mehfil bhii jawaaN,
hai karishma ya adaa unki suhaani hai ye........ (aadeil)

Ishq ki raah meiN wo tod ke taare laaye
Dil e khushfehm ko ummeed jataani hai yeH... (zainy)

Imtehaa, shokiyaa bhi lene lagi hain mere
Tishnagi qurbato se abto mitani hai ye.......(naaz)

Kabhi ye khilte nahi gul ki tarah din me par
Karay mad-hosh ye shab, raat kee raani hai ye!... (Ahmad hyderabadi)

Mai bhi ashiq ,nahi hone ka, bharam rakh lunga
Tum bhi kah dena ke afwaah puraani hai ye ....... (zidd
)

Behad laa jawaab ghazal banke nikhar aayee hai :).......

zidd 8th July 2014 04:18 PM

I repeat once again freinds..any member can suggest correction on any sher above.
it is not necessary to be a participant to suggest.

furqann 10th July 2014 10:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zidd (Post 461303)
dosto , aapke sher kuch is tarah se corrections kiye hai maine.
ye final graft nahi hai.
aap sabko ijazat hai ki aap ko agar kuch pasand nahi aaye to self correct kar den.
kuch sher beher se out the unhe shayar hi ke lafzo me beherband karne ki koshish ki hai...jisse thought na badle.
kuch grammatical errors hataii hai.
thats all.
any one can comment on any sher and provide his version for any sher.
if the writer consents to further correction done by any member , then that sher will be accepted.

Mere AaGhaaze muhabbat ki kahaanii hai ye,
kisii gulposh haseenaa ki nishaanii hai ye.....(Shaad)

roz karte hain muhabbat meiN jo marne ki baat
ye muhabbat hai puraanii ke jawaanii hai ye.... (zarraa)

hai chaman unse hi roshan ,hai ye mehfil bhii jawaaN,
hai karishma ya adaa unki suhaani hai ye........ (aadeil)

Ishq ki raah meiN wo tod ke taare laaye
Dil e khushfehm ko ummeed jataani hai yeH... (zainy)

Imtehaa, shokiyaa bhi lene lagi hain mere
Tishnagi qurbato se abto mitani hai ye.......(naaz)

Kabhi ye khilte nahi gul ki tarah din me par
Karay mad-hosh ye shab, raat kee raani hai ye!... (Ahmad hyderabadi)

Mai bhi ashiq ,nahi hone ka, bharam rakh lunga
Tum bhi kah dena ke afwaah puraani hai ye ....... (zidd
)


bohat khoobsurat nazam bani hai Aisa lagta hai ek hi shayar ne poori namaz likhi hai Sach jawaab nahi aap sabka

ek sher isi se related aap sabki nazar me pesh karna chata hu aise hi labo pe kuch lines Aa gayi apne ehsaas ko isme shamil karne ki koshish kar raha hu ummeed hai aap sabko pasand aaye kuch kami ho to zarur batayga


tum mujhe chor Gaye ho tanha raahon me
teri yaadon me ab umar bitani hai ye
bin tere kuch bhi nahi meri zindagi ki waqat
ishq me tere ab Jaan lutani hai ye

qeemat ko urdo me shayad waqat kehte hai mujhe yaad nahi Aa raha agar kuch galti ho to maafi chahta hu

zidd 10th July 2014 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by furqann (Post 461565)
bohat khoobsurat nazam bani hai Aisa lagta hai ek hi shayar ne poori namaz likhi hai Sach jawaab nahi aap sabka

ek sher isi se related aap sabki nazar me pesh karna chata hu aise hi labo pe kuch lines Aa gayi apne ehsaas ko isme shamil karne ki koshish kar raha hu ummeed hai aap sabko pasand aaye kuch kami ho to zarur batayga


tum mujhe chor Gaye ho tanha raahon me
teri yaadon me ab umar bitani hai ye
bin tere kuch bhi nahi meri zindagi ki waqat
ishq me tere ab Jaan lutani hai ye

qeemat ko urdo me shayad waqat kehte hai mujhe yaad nahi Aa raha agar kuch galti ho to maafi chahta hu

accha kaha aapne furqan bhai..
is sher ko bhi is ghazal me incorporate kar denge.

aap dusri ghazal jo current hai uspar sher kahiye.

mai ye ghazal jab final 15th july ko publish hogi to aapka sher isme shamil kar dunga, usse pahle

regards

(waise aaapka signature is really laajawaab)

furqann 10th July 2014 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zidd (Post 461567)
accha kaha aapne furqan bhai..
is sher ko bhi is ghazal me incorporate kar denge.

aap dusri ghazal jo current hai uspar sher kahiye.

mai ye ghazal jab final 15th july ko publish hogi to aapka sher isme shamil kar dunga, usse pahle

regards

(waise aaapka signature is really laajawaab)

hosla afzai ka shukriya bhai ye aapka badappan hai warna ham is qabil Kaha

koshish karta hu dusri gazal par bhi sher likhne ko

furqann 10th July 2014 10:47 PM

bhai dusri gazal kon si title name kya hai uska bata dete to dhunde me Aasani ho jaati new hu yaha abhi thk se use karna nahi aata mujhe

zidd 10th July 2014 10:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by furqann (Post 461570)
bhai dusri gazal kon si title name kya hai uska bata dete to dhunde me Aasani ho jaati new hu yaha abhi thk se use karna nahi aata mujhe

http://www.shayri.com/forums/showthread.php?t=77450

is lin ko check kijiye furqan sahab..aap samjh jayenge


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