Quote:
Originally Posted by janumanu
bhayee socha do char bateN maiN bhi kah duN ... baaki baten apni jagah haiN... shayri apni jagah...
khair to dekhte hai... bahyee pahle bata dun... jin do logo ne pahle comment de diye hai unke baad comment dena ... badi himmat ka kaam hai... aur aisi himaat maiN hi kar sakta tha .. aur to koe nahi .. bas itna hi kahungaa ... wo jo kah deN maan lena.. maiN jo kahu ik baar soch lena ...
so zidd n masood bhayee .... MAy I ?
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Bataa tu bhi aakhir pashemaan kyoon hai,
Mitaaker tu mujhko pareshaan kyoon hai?
bhayee... oolaa maiN "mujhe bhi" se kya muraad hai.. kisi aur se bhi poocha hai ya aur ne bhi bataya hai?
sher kacha padta sa laga yahi se mujhe
iski ek surat likh de raha hun...
bhalee lage to bhala ..nahi lage to bhi bhala
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bata de k itna pasheman kyun hai
mitakar mujhe ab pashemaan kyuN hai
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Wafa kay silay mayn jafaa daykay mujhko
Jagaa tayray andar yay eemaan kyoon hai?
bhayee ......... is sher maiN do soorteN haiN mere hisaab se ..
oola maiN lafz "de ke" jo pesh aayeeN hai ... magar dono hi surat maiN... sher main kafi jhol hai ...
mujhe ek surat ye ki ... wafa ke badle main jafa "de kar" (after that...)
jaga tere andar "ye" imaan kyun hai ... ab yaha "ye" nahi khulaa ki .. ye imaan se aap kya kahna chahte haiN..
agar ye hai.. to mere khyaal se sher fir hi se kahna chahiye
doosri surat,,,
tune wafa ke badle mai jafa di... means aap jafa milne par bhi use imaan wala kah rahe hai.. ( ya tanz maar rahe hai ulte meaning k sath.... ki chal itna imaan to hai tujhme ki kuch na kuch diya)
to isme "de ke" lafz sahi nahi hai....
ek surat deta hun
sile meiN wafa ke jafa tune di jo ( wafa aur jafa lafz i think should be closed to each other)
Jagaa tere andar ye eemaan kyoon hai?
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Bana kay tu muflis mujhay poochta hai,
Yay chaak mayraa giraybaan kyoon hai?
bhayee ... khyaal pe aataa hun pahle... muflis ... ka chaak girebaan honaa kuch jyda hajam nahi hua... haan gareeb ki aisi halat ho sakti hai... par chak girebaan pagaloN ki nishani diwano ki nishani .. hoti hai...
so mujhe lagata hai mufil ki jagah diwana pagal ... hona chahiye
aur sher behr se bhi khariz hai ... kyun hai masood bhayee ne bata hi diyaa hai...
let me try
bana kar wo pagal khud hi poochtaa hai
huaa chaak tera girebaan kyuN hai
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Jalakay yay gulshan meraa soachtaa hai,
Yay jhulsaa huaa sa biyabaan kyoon hai?
bhayee .....
pahli baat jo jalayega wo sochega kyuN..sochega bhi to aap kaise kah sakte ho wo woch raha hai...aur kya soch raha hai...
hum kahte hai aap mere bare main kya sochte ho... yaha sochne ka matlab "rai" se hota hai..
magar aapne jo sochne ki baat kahi hai... wo sawaal soch wala sochna hai... use "rai" nahi hai ..like instant thinking ...
haan agar "bolta" ho sochta ki jagah to...
kah sakte they... jhooth kah raha hai... tanz maar raha hai.. parda daal raha hai...
par sochta hai.... pe mushkil hai kahna ..
girah bhi lagegi sher meiN
sochta ki jagah bolta kar do to kaam chalega ...
jala "KAR" "WOH" gulshan mera, bolta hai
ye jhulsaa huaa sa biyabaan kyoon hai?
Aa turbat pay mayree karay fikr kyun tu,
Basayra yay Ahmad ka viraan kyuun hai?
hmmm.... bhayee pahli bat .. shukriyaa mera takhalus aa gaya 
ab sher dekhtaa huN ...
bhayee pahli baar to aisa laga tha ki ... aap invite kar rahe ho... aa turbat pe meri ... magar fir se dekha to .. khulaa
" aa kar " main aapne kar ko silent kar diya hai... aa turbat pe meri ...
waise ek surat de deta hun...
wo hai fikr meiN meri turbat pe aakar ( isi fikr meiN hai wo turbat pe aakar)
basera ye "Ahmad" ka veeraan kyuN hai
bas bhayee ... jo laga kah diyaa.... ye meri rai achi lage to le lena ... barna ... ignore kar dena ..
fir se ghazal ki surat meiN sher rakh ke de deta hun..
__________
bata de k itna pasheman kyun hai
mitakar mujhe ab pashemaan kyuN hai
sile meiN wafa ke jafa tune di jo
Jagaa tere andar ye eemaan kyoon hai
bana kar wo pagal khud hi poochtaa hai
huaa chaak tera girebaan kyuN hai
jala "KAR" "WOH" gulshan mera, bolta hai
ye jhulsaa huaa sa biyabaan kyoon hai
wo hai fikr meiN meri turbat pe aakar
( isi fikr meiN hai wo turbat pe aakar)
basera ye "Ahmad" ka veeraan kyuN hai
regards ........ |
ab chalte hain aapki ghazal ki taraf...
bata de k itna pasheman kyun hai
mitakar mujhe ab pashemaan kyuN hai
1) agar radeef hai "pashemaan kyuN hai" to kya "itna" aur "ab" hum qaafiyaa hain...
2) agar qaafiya lafz "pashemaan" hai aur radeef "kyon hai" to agle sher me "pashemaan" (constant qaafiya) eemaan me kaise tabdeel huaa...
bana kar wo pagal khud hi poochtaa hai
huaa chaak tera girebaan kyuN hai
ab mere hisaab se ye lagtaa hai ke kisi ko kuch banaana to bas uupar waale k kaam hai, lekin kisi insaan ki wajah se agar kuch huaa hai to wo hogaa "kar denaa"
aur lafz "paagal" is not exactly fits for pagalpan in love uske liye "Deewana"
lafz zyaada suitable hoga... kyon..
to sher agar kuch aisaa ho jaae...
wo kar ke Deewana khud'ii (khud hi) pooNchtaa hai,
huaa chaak teraa girebaan kyun hai...
waise agar shaayar ka asli kahayal dekhen...
Bana kay tu muflis mujhay poochta hai,
Muflisi me bhi to kapde faT jaate hain saahab... kya kehte hain.
jala "KAR" "WOH" gulshan mera, bolta hai
ye jhulsaa huaa sa biyabaan kyoon hai
ab yahaan dekhiye, aapne kaafi mehnat ki us sher ko isme badalne me.. magar ek jagah chhook gaye...
Misra-e sani ko agar dekha jaae to..
ye jhulsaa huaa sa biyabaan kyoon hai
jo ki ek sawaal hai....
ab oola dekhiye.....
jala "KAR" "WOH" gulshan mera, bolta hai
ab zaahir si baat hai gar ye sawaal hai to "bolta" lafz istemaal karna durust nahi hai...
haan agar aap chaahen to ise "Poochta" me tabdeel kar sakte hain...
wo hai fikr meiN meri turbat pe aakar
( isi fikr meiN hai wo turbat pe aakar)
basera ye "Ahmad" ka veeraan kyuN hai
mujhe is uljhe hue sher se behtar shaayar ka asli khayaal hi dusrustnazar aa raha hai.... muaaf kareN magar aapka misra sequence me nahi nazar aa pa raha hai...
Aa turbat pay mayree karay fikr kyun tu,
Basayra yay Ahmad ka viraan kyuun hai?
aur agar is sher ko dekhaa jaae to "Aa" lafz ka istemaal shaayar ne kaafi shayrana tareeqe se kiyaa hai.... aur misraa e saani to mahaz ek khyaaa hai us shakahs ka jo turbat pe aaya hai...
khair meri koi baat agar burii lagii ho to muaafi chahungaa... magar jo mujhe sahi laga wo maine bhi keh diyaa aur zaruri nahi ke main sahi hoon.....
(as usual ending lines)
Rab raakha......