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ufaq
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ufaq is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comufaq is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comufaq is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comufaq is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comufaq is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comufaq is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comufaq is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comufaq is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comufaq is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comufaq is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comufaq is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.com
 
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15th July 2014, 01:14 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by zarraa View Post
doston, kyunki ye seekhne ki mehfil hai, aur kyunki yahaan sab apne hi hain, is liye zehmat de raha hoon. oopar waale sher ka ek alternative version kaha hai ......

bose booNdoN ke barg-e-gul par nam
yaad saawan meiN Aa gayaa koi.


aap ki raay mil jaaye is par, in absolute terms aur pichhle version ke comparison mein, to mujhe kuchh seekhne ko milega. shukriya.

Zarra sahib..aapke dono ashsaar takriiban ek hi mijaaz Ke hai....jaisa ki aapne khud tasliim kiya hai.......shabnam - subah aur boo'nde- saawan Ka munaasibat qaayam karne ki koshish ki hai aapne.........khair ab baari- baari dono ashaar par ghaur karte hai.

1st sher

Aapke pahle SHE'R me aap oola ko do tarah se le sakte hai.....waise main niji taur par doosra misra rakhne ki sifaarish karunga

1) Bose'n shabnam Ke phool Ke rukh par
2) bosa shabnan Ka gul Ke aariz par

Aapke misre me'n aur in do misro me'n kyaa farq hai...mai'n nahi bataaunga,,,thodhi zehani kasrat kariye........aap samajh jaaye'nge....

Ab baat karte hai saani ki

Aapne saani me'n sub'h-e-dam ...likha hai...subh'a aur dam Dono ism ( noun) hai ...jab do ism ko izaafat se joda jaata hai...to iske do usuul hai..
1) dam -e -subah yaani ..in the time of morning
2) ya phir sub'h dam bhi likh sakte hai lekin ab izaafat maqloobi ( disappear) ho jaayegi.....izaafat e maqloobi ki bahut Achchi missal hai ...jahaa'npanaah.......yaani In the panaah of jahaa'n

aap yu'n samajh le ki aap sub'h-e-dam ..na le balqi ....sub'h dam likh le

Aapke SHE'R me'n ye ek aib thaa so zikr kar diya...

2nd sher


Aur ab doosre sher ki baat karte hai....

Oola me > be< ki takaraar baarhaa ho rahii hai jisse tajnis Ka lutf paida ho raha hai..lekin misre Ke aakhir me'n > nam< saraasar bharti lag raha hai...is simt thoda tawajjo De...

Sher aap yu'n kah sakte hai

Bose par Bose gul pe De boo'nde
Yaad saawan me'n aa gayaa koi.

Bose par Bose ...istemaal karna bahut khaas hai kyu'nki saawan me'n jab baarish hoti hai to boo'nde boso'n ki bauchhar lagaa deti hai........

Koi shubah rah gaya ho to bejhijhak took De....

Last edited by ufaq; 15th July 2014 at 01:30 PM..
   
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