View Single Post
Old
  (#186)
zarraa
Registered User
zarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.com
 
zarraa's Avatar
 
Offline
Posts: 1,504
Join Date: Dec 2010
Rep Power: 31
15th July 2014, 04:40 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ufaq View Post
Zarra sahib..aapke dono ashsaar takriiban ek hi mijaaz Ke hai....jaisa ki aapne khud tasliim kiya hai.......shabnam - subah aur boo'nde- saawan Ka munaasibat qaayam karne ki koshish ki hai aapne.........khair ab baari- baari dono ashaar par ghaur karte hai.

1st sher

Aapke pahle SHE'R me aap oola ko do tarah se le sakte hai.....waise main niji taur par doosra misra rakhne ki sifaarish karunga

1) Bose'n shabnam Ke phool Ke rukh par
2) bosa shabnan Ka gul Ke aariz par

Aapke misre me'n aur in do misro me'n kyaa farq hai...mai'n nahi bataaunga,,,thodhi zehani kasrat kariye........aap samajh jaaye'nge....

Ab baat karte hai saani ki

Aapne saani me'n sub'h-e-dam ...likha hai...subh'a aur dam Dono ism ( noun) hai ...jab do ism ko izaafat se joda jaata hai...to iske do usuul hai..
1) dam -e -subah yaani ..in the time of morning
2) ya phir sub'h dam bhi likh sakte hai lekin ab izaafat maqloobi ( disappear) ho jaayegi.....izaafat e maqloobi ki bahut Achchi missal hai ...jahaa'npanaah.......yaani In the panaah of jahaa'n

aap yu'n samajh le ki aap sub'h-e-dam ..na le balqi ....sub'h dam likh le

Aapke SHE'R me'n ye ek aib thaa so zikr kar diya...

2nd sher


Aur ab doosre sher ki baat karte hai....

Oola me > be< ki takaraar baarhaa ho rahii hai jisse tajnis Ka lutf paida ho raha hai..lekin misre Ke aakhir me'n > nam< saraasar bharti lag raha hai...is simt thoda tawajjo De...

Sher aap yu'n kah sakte hai

Bose par Bose gul pe De boo'nde
Yaad saawan me'n aa gayaa koi.

Bose par Bose ...istemaal karna bahut khaas hai kyu'nki saawan me'n jab baarish hoti hai to boo'nde boso'n ki bauchhar lagaa deti hai........

Koi shubah rah gaya ho to bejhijhak took De....
Ufaq sahab ... bahaut bahaut shukriya janaab tashreef laane ka aur mere sawaal ko waqt dene ka. Aur waah kis khoobsurti se aapne nukton ki wazaahat kari hai. Khoob !! Aap ke khayaalaat aur mashwaron se na sirf seekhne ko hi mila mujhe par saath saath guftagoo ka lutf bhi haasil hua. Ek baar phir se aap ka shukriya.

Aap ki saaree bataein mujhe ekdum sahi lag rahi hain aur kisi baat par koyee shubah naheen. Mujhe sochne ka bahaut saamaan mila hai, jo na sirf is sher ko mukammal karne mein balki aage bhi kaam aayega.

Bas 1-2 choti si baatein clarify karna chaahoonga ...

mera iraada "sub'he dam" mein "subh-e-dam" kehne ka naheen tha jo ki galat hai jaisa ki aap ne bhi farmaaya, balki lafz "subh" ke "h" ko "he" ka accent dene ka tha. maqsad wazan clear karne ka tha, by demarking "sub" as one unit with wazan of 2 and "he" as a separate unit as wazan of 1. "he" ki jagah "ha" ka bhi accent de sakta tha par maine "he" ko use kiya for no particular reason, just liked it more than "ha" I guess par aap ki baat samajh kar mujhe lag raha hai ki "ha" hi use karne chaahiye kyunki "he" se ye lagna natural hai "subh-e-dam" kaha ja raha hai.

ek ye bhi arz karna chaahoonga ki lafz "nam" ko "bose" ki "quality" ko describe karne ke ki koshish mein istemaal kiya tha. mujhe laga ki "nam bose" ki analogy zyada appropriate lag rahegi baarish ke context mein "normal bose" ke muqaable is se boondon ke phool par lams ko bose ka darja dena zyada justified lagega, aur analogy ka lutf paida hoga. magar aap ki is baat se main 100% ittefaaq rakhta hoon ki misre ke aakhir mein aane se "nam" ka lafz zabaradasti daala hua lag raha hai. in current form, na maanee khul raha hai na lutf paida ho raha hai, balki confusion hi create ho raha hai.

waise aap ka "bose par bose" ka khayaal kamaal ka laga. daad aap ko us par !

to ek baat phir aap ka dher saara shukriya Ufaq sahab ! thanks for all the help !

Duaon ke saath
Zarraa


safar ki daastaaN kehte agar manzil koyee paate
chalo kisse suna dete haiN kuchh pairoN ke chhaaloN ke

-zarraa
   
Reply With Quote