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zarraa
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zarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comzarraa is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.com
 
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18th August 2014, 08:34 PM

dostoN ... ek chhota sa experience ya experiment keh lein, aap se share karna chaahoonga .... ki kaise is bazm mein huwee guftagoo se kuchh seekh kar use apply karne ki koshish ki hai .. apne ek sher ko improve karne ke liye ...

mera ek pehle kaha huwa sher tha jis meiN lafz "qafas" ka istemaal huwa tha (wo ghazal SDC mein pehle arz kari huwee hai) ...

http://www.shayri.com/forums/showthread.php?t=74881

pehle ka sher kucch is tarah tha ...

mere hum-safar barhe shauq se deiN qafas ki mujh ko mubaarakeiN
mera raah-bar saiyaad ki bhi barhe jatan se safaayee de
-zarraa


is sher meiN "qafas" se match karne ke liye haalanki "saiyaad" ka zikr tha, lekin baaki 2 symbols "hum-safar" aur "raah-bar" kisi "safar" se related symbols the na ki "qafas" se related ...haalanki hum ne pehle ye kaha hai ki lafz ke figurative meaning ka bridge ya correlation banaane ke liye ek hint bhi kaafi hai .... lekin phir main ne socha ki symbols ko mix kyoon kiya jaaye, saare ke saare symbols "qafas" se hi relate kar ke dekhte hain, taaki sher single minded ban sake aur shaayad lutf halka sa barh sake ...

to is sher ko modify kar ke, kuchh aisa kar diya hai ....

sabhi hum-nasheen-e-chaman mere deiN qafas ki haNs ke mubaarakeiN
mujhe baaghbaaN saiyaad ki hai barhe jatan se safaayee de
-zarraa


ab ye koshish theek rahi ki ghalat, lutf barh gaya ki ghat gaya, ya koyee aur khaami paida ho gayee hai, ya koyee khaami pehle se hi maujood thi jo durust naheen ho paayee hai, in sab maslon par rehnumaayee ke liye ahl-e-bazm ka muntazir rahoonga ...


safar ki daastaaN kehte agar manzil koyee paate
chalo kisse suna dete haiN kuchh pairoN ke chhaaloN ke

-zarraa

Last edited by zarraa; 18th August 2014 at 09:11 PM..
   
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