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Mohabbat kabhi na mujhe raas aayi |
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(#1)
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A Passing Stranger
 
Offline
Posts: 149
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Terra Nullius
Rep Power: 15
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Mohabbat kabhi na mujhe raas aayi -
17th August 2011, 08:20 PM
Bhaiyo aur Behno aur bhaiyo ki behno,please check the behr and wazn and help me fix all the flaws in this attempted ghazal. I wana learn thats why I have stopped here on my way... Thanks All!
Aankhon mein unki haya humnein paayi, Jab unse humnein ye nazrein milayee! Hua kya karishma jo chamki syaahi, Likh naam unka jab ungli hataayi! Mehka gulistaan, har kali muskuraai, Tarannum bhari jab wo awaaz aayee! Kahun kya mai ya Rab, teri kya khudai, Dikhaya wo jalwa, aur dedi judaai! Mayoos hargiz nahin sochkar mai, Mohabbat kabhi na mujhe raas aayi! Nateeja milan ho zaroori nahi ye, Jaan ker unki tasveer dil se lagaayi! Is Kehkashaan Mein Mai He Nahi Waahid Shaye Faanee! Ajnabi |
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(#2)
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Anshumali
 
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Posts: 7,420
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: DELHI (INDIA)
Rep Power: 87
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17th August 2011, 09:06 PM
Quote:
 Tehreer Ke Ehsaasaat Bahut Khoobsurat Lage Mujhe ... ! Dilee Daad Aur Mubaaraqbaad ... !  YuuN Besabab Aansoo Aate NahiN Lag Zaroor Koii Baat Dil Ko Rahii Hai ... Fareb Kaa ChaDhtaa Bazaar Dekh Insaaf Se Bastii Khaalii Ho Rahii Hai ... ---Naresh Mehra---- |
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Thank You! |
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(#3)
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A Passing Stranger
Offline
Posts: 149
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Terra Nullius
Rep Power: 15
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Thank You! -
18th August 2011, 12:47 AM
Naresh Ji Aapka dili Shukriyaa! Pehli baar daad paayi wo bhi aap jaise baday shayr ki mann gadgad hogya! Thank You Ji!
Is Kehkashaan Mein Mai He Nahi Waahid Shaye Faanee! Ajnabi |
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(#4)
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Tanhaa Raahi
Offline
Posts: 3,700
Join Date: Oct 2003
Rep Power: 54
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19th August 2011, 05:51 PM
Acchi koshish rahi aapki, Ajnabi Ji...!
Last she'r maiN kuch kami si lagti hai...! Khuub paDte raheiN aur likhte raheiN aur hum aapko daad dete raheiNge...! Keep yourself well, ok...? With blessings Haqeekat meri jaaN liye jaa rahi hai 
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(#5)
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A Passing Stranger
Offline
Posts: 149
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Terra Nullius
Rep Power: 15
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20th August 2011, 11:11 PM
Dear Amanush Ji, thank you very much, mai thoda bada ehsaanmand hun jo itni sarahna aur protsahan diya mujhe, Sir jee mai to likda javanga aur perda javanga lekin koi correction nai kare meri mistakes nu to fir mai kaise seekhaan kuch ehaan??
Anyone with suggestion to improve the last shair? Aur dili shukriyya sab sathiyon ka jinhone muje reputesan di. Thank you Is Kehkashaan Mein Mai He Nahi Waahid Shaye Faanee! Ajnabi |
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(#6)
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~"REBELLIOUS IN LOVE"~
Offline
Posts: 3,264
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Ruatonga, Cook Islands
Rep Power: 52
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24th August 2011, 03:43 PM
Quote:
kya kare ab shikwa kate jale ka jab apne hi haathon bijli giraii any spelling mistakes please fix it...thnx Regards _______________________________________________ PRANEETA
 Kaash k khamoshi bhi ek zabaaN hoti Main dekta rehta unhe aur haal-e-dil bayaaN hota Ananthpak |
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(#7)
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A Passing Stranger
Offline
Posts: 149
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Terra Nullius
Rep Power: 15
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24th August 2011, 05:11 PM
Quote:
Ouch!!! Ye spelling mistakes wali gal kar sanu aisi pin chubhai ki kuch bola na jaave na bataya jaave! Thank you ji for the applause ..now please inna bata deo is ghazal mein aap ko especially last shair nu sudhaarne walay koi sujhaav samajh aate hen? U r a reputed poet on dis forum, so obviously can help a learner on his journey!Please take care And very nice tukhbandi.....bijli waise nazron se bhi girtii hai! Is Kehkashaan Mein Mai He Nahi Waahid Shaye Faanee! Ajnabi |
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(#8)
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RADHE RADHE
Offline
Posts: 4,115
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: DELHI
Rep Power: 58
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25th August 2011, 06:50 PM
Quote:
duaon ke saath radhe radhe Aapka Apna Ishk 'इश्क' के बदले इश्क चाहना तिजारत है इज़हार किससे करें महबूब तो दिल में है email: rkm179@gmail.com 
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(#9)
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A Passing Stranger
Offline
Posts: 149
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Terra Nullius
Rep Power: 15
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30th August 2011, 07:13 PM
Quote:
Apna Khayal Rakhiye!Is Kehkashaan Mein Mai He Nahi Waahid Shaye Faanee! Ajnabi |
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(#10)
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Aapki dost
Offline
Posts: 7,325
Join Date: Feb 2008
Rep Power: 57
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3rd November 2011, 12:37 PM
Mayoos hargiz nahin sochkar mai,
Mohabbat kabhi na mujhe raas aayi! Nateeja milan ho zaroori nahi ye, Jaan ker unki tasveer dil se lagaayi! Wah!!!......... Zainy PalkoN ki baand ko tod ke daaman pe aa gira Ek aaNsu mere zabt ki tauheen kar gaya... Nm |
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(#11)
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'Bismil'
Offline
Posts: 773
Join Date: Mar 2006
Rep Power: 38
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3rd November 2011, 11:44 PM
Quote:
Mohabbat kabhi na mujhe raas aayi! acha hai kahaan gaayab ho..dikhaaya jalwa aur dedi judaai? bhai mere dost..dikha karoaapka dost, Pradhyuman gore ghareeban hai ye 'bismil', kyun tu naashaad nazar aata hai? musht-e-khaak hai basi yahan, bata kahan fuwaad nazar aata hai? -------------------------------------------------- |
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