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prasaxena
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Smile ZIndagi - 5th April 2002, 12:56 AM

Doston ko adaab. zindagi ke mutallique apne tassuraat is nazm ki shakl mein pesh-e-khidmat hain.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
zindagi chand lamhon ko ro hans ke bitaana hi nahin hai
zindagi chand khwabon ka dil se bhulana bhi nahin hai
chand rahon pe magar khamosh tanha chalte huve
zindagi sirf ek umr jiye jaana bhi nahin hai

jab talak koi fareb kabhi khaya hi na ho
dil kabhi dard ke dariya mein nahya hi na ho
apna har chain kisi gham mein gavaya hi na ho
khud ko deewna sare aam banaya hi na ho

zindagi ek fasana hai tab talak lekin
zindagi sirf koi aisa fasana bhi nahin hai

shama-e-dil yun to jala hi karti hai
koi aandhi kabhi bujha bhi deti hai
chandni ho yeh zaroori to nahin itna
roshni yun to sitaron ki bahut hoti hai

gar yeh insani mohabbat ho jaye dushwar jahan mein
zindagi chand khmosh buton ki ibadat bhi nahin hai

sirf aasan hi nahin zindagi dushwar bhi hai
is mein sahil hi nahin majhdhar bhi hai
sambhal-sambahl ke rakhna kadam yahan
rah purkham hi nahi purkhar bhi hai

chashm-e-nam se kabhi ashk na rukh pe aaye
zingai kyunke mahaz ashk bahana bhi nahin hai

zinda rehne ko bahut hote hain kuch jhoote bharam bhi
dil khush karne ko kafi hain patthar ke sanam bhi
zakhm khud ban jaate hain kai baar marham bhi
ke ummeedon mein guzarte hain kabhi saal-o-janam bhi

yeh mana zindagi khushiyon ki muntazir hai PRAVEEN
zindagi unse milegi yeh thikana bhi nahin hai

Praveen Saxena
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kya kehne....!!
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maikasH
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kya kehne....!! - 1st May 2002, 07:12 AM

praveen sahab

aadaab

aapke huqm ke mutaabiq haazir huuN.......


pehle to ek umdaa nazm kehne par khaaksaar ki mubarakbaad kabuul kijiye....

nazm padhii .....baDaa hi lutf aaya

kahiiN-kahiiN paDhne meiN "zaraa si" dushwaari huii......iss dafaa do-ek misroN ke mutalliq kuch arz karna chata huuN...mulaiiza kijiye

"jab talak koi fareb kabhi khaya hi na ho
dil kabhi dard ke dariya mein nahya hi na ho
apna har chain kisi gham mein gavaya hi na ho
khud ko deewna sare aam banaya hi na ho"

pehle misrey meiN lafz "fareb" aur "kabhi" ke darmiyaaN wazan ka maslaa hai.....(faqat mere khayaal se) .....radiif ko bhi agar zaraa sa tabdiil kiya jaye to kaisa rahega...?...ye suurat mulaiizaa kijiye

jab tak, koii dhokha kabhii khayaa bhi nahiiN ho
dil dard ke dariyaa meiN nahayaa bhi nahiiN ho
sabar-o-qaraar Gham meiN gaNwayaa bhi nahiiN ho
diiwaanaa khud ko sar-e-aam banayaa bhi nahiiN ho

qafiya "aayaa" ke saath "nahiiN ho" jaisi tarqiib aaj-kal aam-taur pe nahiiN bartii jaati....lekin gar aap ustaadoN ki shayri pe nazr daaleN to ye tarqiib aapko aam milegi.....phir bhi agar aapko lage ki mera nazariyaa wajeeh nahiiN hai to khabar kijiyega.......!!


philhaal ke liye itna hi kahuNgaa.....aapke jawaab ka iNtezaar rahega.......aapki ijaazat ka talabgaar huuN......agli dafaa puuri nazm pe apne taassuraat pesh karne ki gustaakhi karuNgaa

Ghaaliban aapko meri koi baat buri lage isliye ziyada kuch nahiiN kaha kuch Ghalat kaha gaya ho muaaf kiijiyega.......aage sab aapke mijaaz par munhasir hai...aapse jaan-pehchaan ho jaye...phir qadran aasaani hogi...!!


aadaab
maikasH


.........................................

is tarhe teri yaad meiN har shaam dhaley hai
goyaa koyi nagin si kalejey pe chaley hai

maikash
...............................

Last edited by maikasH; 1st May 2002 at 07:20 AM..
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Re: kya kehne....!!
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prasaxena
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Re: kya kehne....!! - 1st May 2002, 08:09 PM

maikasH sahab

aadaab

Sabse pehle to aapka shuriya adaa karna choonga ke aapne waqt nikal kar is nazm par apne tassuraat rakhe.

Mera yaqeen maniye ke bande ko aapke khyalaat o tassuraat par kisi baat ka aitraz nahin hai. Aur na hi koi aisi baat hai jo nagavar guzre.

Ye nazm meine kaafi arsa pehle likhi thii(takriibaN 7-8 saal pehle) aur tab bhi mujhe ye ehsaas tha ke ismein kahin kuchh kami hai. Kai baar meiN khud bhi isse lekar baitha par koi khas kaamyabi haath nahiN lagi. Jab ye site dekhi to socha yahan ke shora ke tassurat meri madad kareinge. Kafi arse ke intezaar ke baad aapke khayalat naseeb huve. Ye nazm mujhe bahut hi aziiz hai aur mein yehi chahta tha ke kisi tarah iski techniclal khamiyoN ko duur kar looN. Meri guzarish hai ke puuri nazm par apne tassurat deiN. KyuNke jab bhi meiN isse thiik karne baitha hooN, hamesh atka hooN. Isliye aap apni baat yahaN na rokeN usse poora kareiN. MeiN muntazir rahoonga.

Aur ek aur baat jisse mein mutassir hua hooN wo hai apni baat kehne ka aapka andaz. Ekdum aapke kalam ki tarah. khoobsoorat.

Isi forum mein aur Ghazal section mein ek-ek ghazal aur hai jis pe aapke tassurat ke muntazir hooN. ummed hai aap jald hi aapne khayalaat se nawazeNge.

Phir se bahut shukriya aur duaon ke saath. Inshaallah ab aapse kalaam yuN hi jari rahega issii ummeed ke saath.

aadaab
Praveen
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maikasH
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2nd May 2002, 10:04 AM

mohtarim praveen sahab

aadaab kabool farmayieN

aapko khaadim ki koi bhi baat na-gawaar nahiiN guzri ye sun kar dil'i aur zehnii dono qisam ka sukuuN milaa....

aapki baaqii kaavisheN bhi paDhii haiN aur yaqiin kijiye behad pasaNd bhi aayiiN.......saaf zaahir hota hai ki aap Ghazal kehne ki rivaayatoN se b'khoobi waaqif haiN

nazm ki bahar mere liye aksar dushwaari ka ba'is rahi hai....isiliye maine aaj tak faqat Ghazal meiN hi tukbaNdii ke hathkaNde aazmaaye haiN....phir bhi apne ilm ke hisaab se maiN koshish zaroor karuuNga...aur agar baat na bani to maiN apne ustaad "feroz sahab" se sifaarish karuuNga ki aapke qalaam pe nazar daaleN.....unhi ke dam se maiN aaj iss qaabil huaa huuN ke bahar ki khaamiiyoN nazar ki pakaD meiN aa jaati haiN.....

chaliye aapki nazm par aate haiN....

jo bahar aapni chunii hai woh itefaqan meri psaNdiidaa bahar hai...jise "Hazaj Akhrab Makfuuf Mahzuuf" ke naam se jaana jaata hai......aur isi bahar ko le kar in dinoN maiN apni aik Ghazal muqammal karne ki kash-ma-kash meiN huuN...lijiye matlaa suniye :-

daaman terii yaadoN se chuRaayaa nahiiN maine
ai jaan-e-Ghazal tujhko bhulaayaa nahiiN maine

baharhaal.....aapki nazm ka pehla baNd :-

zindagi chand lamhon ko ro hans ke bitaana hi nahin hai
zindagi chand khwabon ka dil se bhulana bhi nahin hai
chand rahon pe magar khamosh tanha chalte huve
zindagi sirf ek umr jiye jaana bhi nahin hai

pehli baat....mere hisaab se lafz "zindagi" aur "chaNd" ka har misre meiN istemaal munaasib nahiiN hai.....doosri zaroori baat, nazm meN ek misra ka doosre se rabtaa hona iNtehaii laazimi hai...ise yuuN keh kar dekhiye...maiN faqat bahar ke lihaaz se koshish kar raha huuN.....khayaal aapke haiN to aapki tavvazo darkaar hai....mulaiiza farmayeN

zindagi ko haNs ke ro-ke bitaana hi nahiiN hai
ya chaNd khwaab dil se mitaanaa hi nahiiN hai
maana ye rehguzar hai lambii par mere yaaro
zindagi ko jiye bas jiye jaanaa hi nahiiN hai


teesre misre se maiN mutmayin nahiiN huuN .... tamaam koshishoN ke ba'wajood mushkil hal na hui to jo zehan meN aaya maine darj kar diya.....!!

agar ismeiN aapko kuch pukhtagi nazr aaye to istemaal kar lijiyega.....vagarna aapka zor-e-qalam to hai hi......

agle qitey par kal baat kareNgey......behtar hoga agar is par silsileyvaar behas ki jaye.....iss se hameiN bhi kuch seekhne ko milega.....apne vaade ke mutaabiq maiN janaab feroz sahab se zaroor darkhuvaast karuuNga ki woh apni islaah deN

aadaab
maikasH


.........................................

is tarhe teri yaad meiN har shaam dhaley hai
goyaa koyi nagin si kalejey pe chaley hai

maikash
...............................
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Shukriya
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prasaxena
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Shukriya - 8th May 2002, 12:26 AM

Janab Maikash saheb

aadaab qubool farmayieN

Muafi chahoonga ke is silsilewar baatcheet ke beech kaam ke mutalliq meri masrufiyaat aa gayi thiiN.

Jis tarah aap nazm ke bundoN ki tarkqeeb sujha rahe hain us sey lagta hai ke shaayad ye nazm is dauran muqammal ho jaye. JahaN tak mere kuch kehne ka sawal hai to meiN chahoonga ke pehle aap tamam nazm par aapni rai farmayeN uske baad meiN kuch kahooN.

Iske peechey mera sochna ye hai ke iskey mutalliq aapka sisila-e-khayal bana rahe. Isliye meri guzarish hai ke aap apney qeemti waqt mein se jab bhi chand lamhat nikal sakeiN apne mukammal tassurat se nawaziN.

Saath hi aapka behud shukriya ada karna chahoonga ke aapne in ashaar ke liye waqt diya. Aur ye ummed karoonga ke aap yuNhi meri doosri posts ko apne khayalaat o tassurat se nawazte rahenge. Saath hi ye bhi ummeed hai ke is behr par jis ghazal ko mukammal karney meiN aap lagey haiN jald hi hameiN prhney ko milegi.


aadaab

Praveen.


raah meiN hi manziloN ka zikr mat chedo Praveen
manziloN ne sun liya toh aur woh badh jaayeNgi

Last edited by prasaxena; 8th May 2002 at 12:57 AM..
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Intezaar aur kitna janab
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Intezaar aur kitna janab - 29th May 2002, 01:31 AM

janab maikash sahab

kafi arsa ho gaya nazm par aapne mazeed tassurat nahin bheje. kya feroz sahab ne us par kuch likha. Aapki do nayee ghazlein meine padh to li hain par kaam ki masrufiyat ne itmenan se baithne ka mauqa nahi diya. banada jald hi apne khyalat aur ek naye kavish lekar haazir hoga.

muntazir
Praveen Saxena


raah meiN hi manziloN ka zikr mat chedo Praveen
manziloN ne sun liya toh aur woh badh jaayeNgi
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maikasH
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3rd June 2002, 04:28 PM

Praveen sahab

aadaab

ummiid hai ke khairiiyat se hoNge

aapne shikayat ki hai ke khaaksaar ne apna vaada nahiiN nibhaaya.....aur aapki shikayat kisi hadd tak jayi'z bhi hai....lekin mujhe laga ke aap in dinoN balaa-e-masroofiyat ke shikaar haiN to socha jab aapko fursat hogi to ye silsila phir se jaari kareNgey....

aapka jawaab paDhe kuch roz ho gaye lekin yaqiin kijiye haalaat kuch is tarah ke the ki haaziri na de paaya....kya kijiye janaab umr ke saath-saath sehat ki dushwaariiyaN bhi zor pakaD rahi haiN.......baharhaal der'ii ke liye muaaf kijiyega.....

agli kaDii meiN aata hai ye qitaa....

zindagi ek fasana hai tab talak lekin
zindagi sirf koi aisa fasana bhi nahin hai

ab aap issey meri nalayiquii keh lijiye ke aap iss she'r meiN kya kehna chahte haiN ye meri samajh meiN nahiiN aaya......agar aap ye kehna chahte haiN ke...zindagi tab talak ek fasana hai lekin faqat fasana bhi nahiiN hai...phir bhi , she'r ka mafhuum saaf nazar nahiiN aata.....doosre is qite ka maiN iss se upar darj baNd ke saath koi taa'luq dhuuNDne meiN bhi naakaam raha......lihaaza...agar aap ye qita dobaraa kaheN to behtar hai


shama-e-dil yun to jala hi karti hai
koi aandhi kabhi bujha bhi deti hai
chandni ho yeh zaroori to nahin itna
roshni yun to sitaron ki bahut hoti hai

is baNd ke pehle do misre bhi aapki tavvazo ke liye choDey deta huuN ....aakhiri do misre yuuN keh kar dekhiye :-

rehnuma ho chaNdnii ye zaroori to nahiiN hai
raushnii yuuN bhii sitaaroN kii bohat hoti hai

agar maii'ne ko khaatir meiN laya jaye to lafz-e-"rehnumaa" se kam-az-kam itna to saaf hua hi ki rastaa dekhne dene ke liye faqat chaNdnii ki talab ghair-zaroori hai, jiska chalne ka iraadaa ho woh sitaaroN ki raushnii meiN bhi chal sake hai


aadaab
maikasH


.........................................

is tarhe teri yaad meiN har shaam dhaley hai
goyaa koyi nagin si kalejey pe chaley hai

maikash
...............................
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very nice !
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Mahek
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very nice ! - 12th June 2002, 11:05 PM

Quote:
chandni ho yeh zaroori to nahin itna
roshni yun to sitaron ki bahut hoti hai

sirf aasan hi nahin zindagi dushwar bhi hai
is mein sahil hi nahin majhdhar bhi hai

zakhm khud ban jaate hain kai baar marham bhi
ke ummeedon mein guzarte hain kabhi saal-o-janam bhi

yeh mana zindagi khushiyon ki muntazir hai PRAVEEN
zindagi unse milegi yeh thikana bhi nahin hai
- too good! - yeh lines bahut hi achche aur gehre thoughts sunaate hain - bahut khoob!

- Mahek -


zindagI jab bhI terI bazm mein LAtI hai hamein
ye zamIn chAnd se behatar nazar AtI hai hamein

surkh phUlon se MAHEK uThatI hain dil kI rAhen
din Dhale yUN terI AvAz bulAtI hai hamein
----------------------------------------------
taeray Gham ki KhuShbu say jism-o-jaaN MAHEK uTThay
saaNs ki havaa jab bhi Choo kay maeray lab guzri

aek saath reh kay bhi, door hi rahay ham bhi
dhoop aur Chaa'ooN ki dosti ajab guzri
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Shukria aapka
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prasaxena
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Thumbs up Shukria aapka - 13th June 2002, 09:51 PM

Mahek Sahiba

Is nazm par aapke khayalat jaankar bahut achcha mehsoos hua. Halanke ye ek meri ek behud purani nazm hai aur mujhe bahut hi aziiz hai. Aapki daad ka bahut shukria. Aur jis andaaz mein aapne daad di hai wo bhi masha allah khoob hai.

Is nazm mein kuch kami hai kahin, jise jaante hue bhi meiN poora nahiN kar payaa. Isiliye is forum par isi se shuruaat ki. Aur doston ke khayalaat ne mujhe shayad us block se nikaal liya hai. Umeed karta hoon ke iski kamiyon ko sudhaar kar ye nazm jald hi phir se aap logon ke saamne rakh paonga.
Mere chand aur kalam is forum aur ghazal section mein maujood haiN. Ho sakey to apne tassurat batayeN.

phir bahut shukria

Praveen


raah meiN hi manziloN ka zikr mat chedo Praveen
manziloN ne sun liya toh aur woh badh jaayeNgi
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31st December 2015, 03:14 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by prasaxena View Post
Doston ko adaab. zindagi ke mutallique apne tassuraat is nazm ki shakl mein pesh-e-khidmat hain.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
zindagi chand lamhon ko ro hans ke bitaana hi nahin hai
zindagi chand khwabon ka dil se bhulana bhi nahin hai
chand rahon pe magar khamosh tanha chalte huve
zindagi sirf ek umr jiye jaana bhi nahin hai

jab talak koi fareb kabhi khaya hi na ho
dil kabhi dard ke dariya mein nahya hi na ho
apna har chain kisi gham mein gavaya hi na ho
khud ko deewna sare aam banaya hi na ho

zindagi ek fasana hai tab talak lekin
zindagi sirf koi aisa fasana bhi nahin hai

shama-e-dil yun to jala hi karti hai
koi aandhi kabhi bujha bhi deti hai
chandni ho yeh zaroori to nahin itna
roshni yun to sitaron ki bahut hoti hai

gar yeh insani mohabbat ho jaye dushwar jahan mein
zindagi chand khmosh buton ki ibadat bhi nahin hai

sirf aasan hi nahin zindagi dushwar bhi hai
is mein sahil hi nahin majhdhar bhi hai
sambhal-sambahl ke rakhna kadam yahan
rah purkham hi nahi purkhar bhi hai

chashm-e-nam se kabhi ashk na rukh pe aaye
zingai kyunke mahaz ashk bahana bhi nahin hai

zinda rehne ko bahut hote hain kuch jhoote bharam bhi
dil khush karne ko kafi hain patthar ke sanam bhi
zakhm khud ban jaate hain kai baar marham bhi
ke ummeedon mein guzarte hain kabhi saal-o-janam bhi

yeh mana zindagi khushiyon ki muntazir hai PRAVEEN
zindagi unse milegi yeh thikana bhi nahin hai

Praveen Saxena
New Delhi, India


wahhhhhhhh kya khoobsurat ehsaas haiN, Praveen ji....aapki es nazm ko aaj arse baad pada maine...accha lga padkar.

regards


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


.....Sunita Thakur.....

यह कह कर मेरा दुश्मन मुझे हँसते हुए छोड़ गया
....के तेरे अपने ही बहुत हैं तुझे रुलाने के लिए...


   
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Madhu 14
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31st December 2015, 03:29 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by prasaxena View Post
Doston ko adaab. zindagi ke mutallique apne tassuraat is nazm ki shakl mein pesh-e-khidmat hain.

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zindagi chand lamhon ko ro hans ke bitaana hi nahin hai
zindagi chand khwabon ka dil se bhulana bhi nahin hai
chand rahon pe magar khamosh tanha chalte huve
zindagi sirf ek umr jiye jaana bhi nahin hai

jab talak koi fareb kabhi khaya hi na ho
dil kabhi dard ke dariya mein nahya hi na ho
apna har chain kisi gham mein gavaya hi na ho
khud ko deewna sare aam banaya hi na ho

zindagi ek fasana hai tab talak lekin
zindagi sirf koi aisa fasana bhi nahin hai

shama-e-dil yun to jala hi karti hai
koi aandhi kabhi bujha bhi deti hai
chandni ho yeh zaroori to nahin itna
roshni yun to sitaron ki bahut hoti hai

gar yeh insani mohabbat ho jaye dushwar jahan mein
zindagi chand khmosh buton ki ibadat bhi nahin hai

sirf aasan hi nahin zindagi dushwar bhi hai
is mein sahil hi nahin majhdhar bhi hai
sambhal-sambahl ke rakhna kadam yahan
rah purkham hi nahi purkhar bhi hai

chashm-e-nam se kabhi ashk na rukh pe aaye
zingai kyunke mahaz ashk bahana bhi nahin hai

zinda rehne ko bahut hote hain kuch jhoote bharam bhi
dil khush karne ko kafi hain patthar ke sanam bhi
zakhm khud ban jaate hain kai baar marham bhi
ke ummeedon mein guzarte hain kabhi saal-o-janam bhi

yeh mana zindagi khushiyon ki muntazir hai PRAVEEN
zindagi unse milegi yeh thikana bhi nahin hai

Praveen Saxena
New Delhi, India
Namaskaar praveen ji....
Aapki ye nazm bahut hee asardaar khayalon se saji hai...bahut achcha laga ise padhna..aur isliye bhi pasand aayi kyun ki iske zariye...nazm ko lekar maikash ji ne kuch bareekiyaan bhi batai...jisse likhne walon ke ilm me beshak izafa hoga.....

Aapka bhi Shukriya di jo aap ise samne laye.....



अर्ज मेरी एे खुदा क्या सुन सकेगा तू कभी
आसमां को बस इसी इक आस में तकते रहे
madhu..
   
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1st January 2016, 09:22 AM

bahut khoob zindginama hai Praveen saahab.................... behad ummdah kalaam pesh kiya hai aapne....

chashm-e-nam se kabhi ashk na rukh pe aaye
zingai kyunke mahaz ashk bahana bhi nahin hai

zinda rehne ko bahut hote hain kuch jhoote bharam bhi
dil khush karne ko kafi hain patthar ke sanam bhi
zakhm khud ban jaate hain kai baar marham bhi
ke ummeedon mein guzarte hain kabhi saal-o-janam bhi



daad qubool kijiye......

Shaad........


Shaad...
   
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