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My first one on this forum!
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ahmadcameron
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My first one on this forum! - 1st January 2019, 04:34 AM

This ghazal is on the qafiya of the famous ghazal by Adeem Sahab viz.,

Fasley Aisey Bi Hongey, Ye Kabhi Socha Na Tha
Samney Baitha Tha Mere, Aur Vo Mera Na Tha

So here is my humble attempt

Baat Pahunchey Gi Yahan Tak, Ye Kabhi Socha Na Tha
Yun Juda Saya Bhi Hoga, Ye Kabhi Dekha Na Tha

Khoon Ki Manind Rava’n Tha, Mere Har Goshey Mein Vo
Zakhm Kab Ka Bhar Chuka, Phir Dard Kyun Ghat_ta Na Tha

Tishnagi Har Simt Thi, Jis G’am Bhi Pahuncha Magar
Zehan Par Chaya Huva Sa, Ek Bhi Sehra Na Tha

Jhelta Phirta Hai Kyun Us Ki Jafayen, Ye Ba’ta?
“Ab Kya Kahoon Meri Nazar Mein, Vo Magar Vaisa Na Tha”

Muflisi Mein Umr Guzri, Ha’n Magar Ek Aas Par
Makhlooq To Hum Bhi They Us Ke, To Kya Khuda Sabka Na Tha

Hun Shikhar Par Dekhta Hun, Sar Nigu’n Hai Har Koyee
Phir Aainey Ye Daa’g Mera, Kya Sabab Jata Na Tha


Dec 3, 2018
Brampton ON
   
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Dhaval
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1st January 2019, 09:49 PM

Ahmed saaheb

Asalam o alaikum!

Sab se pehle aapka Dil se shayri. Com parivaar Mein swaagat kartaa huun... Aapki ye Ghazal aaj bahot pehle hi paDh Lee thee par log in na Kar payaa to iss waqt aapko jawaab dena baaqee reh gaya thaa.. Ghazal ka matlaa mujhe behad hi pasand aaya.. Baaqee sher bhee bahot khuub rahen.. Badi khushii hotee hai jab aap Jaise dost iss parivaar Mein shaamil hote Hain to.. Aise hi apni koshishon se ees bazm ko sajaate rahiyega aage bhee.. Iss umdaah ghazal ke Liye Dil se daad

Khush rahiye... Apna khayal rakhiye

Duaaon ke saath ijaazat

Aapka
Dhaval


*~*Dhaval*~*....Ek Ehsaas...
   
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sunita thakur
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3rd January 2019, 10:54 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ahmadcameron View Post
This ghazal is on the qafiya of the famous ghazal by Adeem Sahab viz.,

Fasley Aisey Bi Hongey, Ye Kabhi Socha Na Tha
Samney Baitha Tha Mere, Aur Vo Mera Na Tha

So here is my humble attempt

Baat Pahunchey Gi Yahan Tak, Ye Kabhi Socha Na Tha
Yun Juda Saya Bhi Hoga, Ye Kabhi Dekha Na Tha

Khoon Ki Manind Rava’n Tha, Mere Har Goshey Mein Vo
Zakhm Kab Ka Bhar Chuka, Phir Dard Kyun Ghat_ta Na Tha

Tishnagi Har Simt Thi, Jis G’am Bhi Pahuncha Magar
Zehan Par Chaya Huva Sa, Ek Bhi Sehra Na Tha

Jhelta Phirta Hai Kyun Us Ki Jafayen, Ye Ba’ta?
“Ab Kya Kahoon Meri Nazar Mein, Vo Magar Vaisa Na Tha”

Muflisi Mein Umr Guzri, Ha’n Magar Ek Aas Par
Makhlooq To Hum Bhi They Us Ke, To Kya Khuda Sabka Na Tha

Hun Shikhar Par Dekhta Hun, Sar Nigu’n Hai Har Koyee
Phir Aainey Ye Daa’g Mera, Kya Sabab Jata Na Tha


Dec 3, 2018
Brampton ON


Ahmad ji, sabse pehle to aapka SDC par dil se suwagat hai

aapki gazal hame bahut acchi lgi, sabhi sher bahut acche bane hai. yeh aik sher jo dil ke khaas kareeb rha:

Khoon Ki Manind Rava’n Tha, Mere Har Goshey Mein Vo
Zakhm Kab Ka Bhar Chuka, Phir Dard Kyun Ghat_ta Na Tha




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


.....Sunita Thakur.....

यह कह कर मेरा दुश्मन मुझे हँसते हुए छोड़ गया
....के तेरे अपने ही बहुत हैं तुझे रुलाने के लिए...


   
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ahmadcameron
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4th January 2019, 05:21 AM

Thanks a lot Dhaval Bhai and Sunita Ji. I am returning to a forum of this nature after over a decade. There was one such forum back in 2002-005 where I posted many of my poems and made good friends like both of you as well. But then that forum closed down all of a sudden and with it all things posted on it were blown away. Some of them I had saved, but I am certain many got lost. And the mind is unable to recreate the same poems in their totality again.

Sunita Ji after reviewing my own sher which you have appreciated in specific, I am getting second thoughts to modify it as following.

Khoon Ki Manind Rava'n Tha Mere Har Goshey Mein Vo
Zakhm Kab Ka Bhar Chuka, Phir Dard Kyun Tham_ta Na Tha


Using the word "Tham_ta" instead of "Ghat_ta" conveys the intensity, depth, and sufferings being a continuous process. Whereas use of the word "Ghat_ta" in my opinion does reflect the intermittent occurrence of "Pain and Grief". But it has never stopped for even an instance to make the one experiencing to become oblivious of the pain and grief momentarily.

Would love to hear your opinions on it.
   
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sameer'shaad'
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5th January 2019, 10:27 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ahmadcameron View Post
This ghazal is on the qafiya of the famous ghazal by Adeem Sahab viz.,

Fasley Aisey Bi Hongey, Ye Kabhi Socha Na Tha
Samney Baitha Tha Mere, Aur Vo Mera Na Tha

So here is my humble attempt

Baat Pahunchey Gi Yahan Tak, Ye Kabhi Socha Na Tha
Yun Juda Saya Bhi Hoga, Ye Kabhi Dekha Na Tha

Khoon Ki Manind Rava’n Tha, Mere Har Goshey Mein Vo
Zakhm Kab Ka Bhar Chuka, Phir Dard Kyun Ghat_ta Na Tha

Tishnagi Har Simt Thi, Jis G’am Bhi Pahuncha Magar
Zehan Par Chaya Huva Sa, Ek Bhi Sehra Na Tha

Jhelta Phirta Hai Kyun Us Ki Jafayen, Ye Ba’ta?
“Ab Kya Kahoon Meri Nazar Mein, Vo Magar Vaisa Na Tha”

Muflisi Mein Umr Guzri, Ha’n Magar Ek Aas Par
Makhlooq To Hum Bhi They Us Ke, To Kya Khuda Sabka Na Tha

Hun Shikhar Par Dekhta Hun, Sar Nigu’n Hai Har Koyee
Phir Aainey Ye Daa’g Mera, Kya Sabab Jata Na Tha


Dec 3, 2018
Brampton ON

Welcome aboard.......... Hope you will enjoy the poetic journey here

do keep coming

Shaad....


Shaad...
   
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ahmadcameron
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14th January 2019, 02:46 AM

Shaad Sahab,

Adaab,

Der se jawab ki maafi!

Thanks a lot for your appreciation and kind words. This forum has been great in enabling me to enlarge my circle of friends and well wishers. Surely we will remain in touch.
Khuda hafiz,
Ahmad Cameron
   
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