Kaun baitha hai...?(Ek ghazal)

shumaila · **Kaun baitha hai...?(Ek ghazal) -** 26th January 2002, 02:34 AM

Doston, Bahut arse pehle ek sher likha tha aur is bazm me post bhi kiya tha aaj usi sher ko ghazal ki shakl dene ki koshish ki hai...aap sab apni ray se zaroor nawaziyega aur maikasH sahab aur Feroz sahab se meri darkhwast hai ki ise kaise durust kiya jaaye zaroor bataiyega..intizaar rahega!!Shukriya!

Chehre ko naqaab meiN chupaaye kaun baitha hai?
HaathoN ko duaooN meiN uthaaye kaun baitha hai?

Is sang duniya meiN Khuda ki paak baargaaH meiN
Apni gardan ko jhukaaye kaun baitha hai?

kaun hamdard hai jo mere jeene ki duaayeiN karta hai
jaane ashq aankhooN meiN samaaye kaun baitha hai?

Aaj tak jo bhi mila jaane kyoN nazreiN chura leta tha
aaj hamari nazroN se nazreiN milaaye kaun baitha hai?

muddat huyi jab kisi ne palatkar haal-e-dil poocha ho
aaj haq meiN shumaila ke,mehfil saajaye kaun baitha hai?

Fakat khaaksaar,
shumaila

maikasH · 12:18 PM

Shumaila ji.....

Mubaarak ho....aaj tak aapke jinte bhi kalaam paRhe , sabse se jiyaada iss ghazal ne mutaasir kiya.......ye waqaaii meN hii ek achchii koshiish hai.....

aaghaaz-e-ghazl achchaa hai.....matla jiyaadatar beh'r meN hai sirf thoRi bohat kamii reh gayii.......mere hisaab se jo khaamiyyaN mujhe nazar aayiiN unkaa izhaar kar raha huuN...gaur kijiyegaa

iss forum meiN issi beh'r meN picHlii dafaa maine apnii ek ghazal post kii thii..... "KoshisheN harchaNd kiiN is dil ko behlaayaa bahot" ussi post meN maine beh'r aur arkaan ka zikr bhii kiya thaa.......aapkii ye ghazal bhii usii beh'r meN hai.....jisey
"Ramal Musamman Mahzuuf" kahaa jaataa hai...aur jiske arkaan ye haiN :-

Faa-i-laa-tun Faa-i-laa-tun Faa-i-laa-tun Faa-i-lun

is beh'r ko yuuN paRhaa aur kahaa jaataa hai

Chehre ko / naqaab meiN / chupaaye / kaun baitha hai?

matle ke pehle misre meN mujhe lafz "naqaab" beh'r se baahar lagaa

Chehre ko / ye aanchal meiN / chupaaye / kaun baiThaa hai
ye haaThoN ko / duaaoN meiN / uThaaye / kaun baiThaa hai

mere khayaal se matle ke aakhir meN question mark "?" lagaana shayad munaasib nahiiN...is se lagta hai ke aap kisi se sawaal puucH rahe haiN....agar aap apne jazbaat ka izhaar kar rahii haiN to "?" mat lagaaiye........kyuN ki sawaaliya nishaan lagaane se misroN ki pronunciation bhii badal jaatii hai....ye bhi maine feroz ji aur aadaab-e-adab-o-shayrii ke jaan'ne waaloN sahebaan se abhi haal hi meN siikhaa hai....baaki aap behtar jaan'Ti haiN

>>Is sang duniya meiN Khuda ki paak baargaaH meiN
>>Apni gardan ko jhukaaye kaun baitha hai?

is sher meN mere hisaab se khayaal ko durust karna zaroorii hai......kyuuN yahaN ye numaayaN nahiiN ho raha ke aap kya kehnaa chahtii haiN....beh'r ke baare meN bhi sochiyega

>>kaun hamdard hai jo mere jeene ki duaayeiN karta hai
>>jaane ashq aankhooN meiN samaaye kaun baitha hai?

ismeN meN beh'r ka mas'alaa hai.......merii koshish pe gaur kijiye'ga

ye jeene kiiN / mere haQ meiN / duaayeN / kaun detaa hai
mire marne / ki khaahish ko / bhulaaye / kaun baiThaa hai

>>Aaj tak jo bhi mila jaane kyoN nazreiN chura leta tha
>>aaj hamari nazroN se nazreiN milaaye kaun baitha hai?

ye misre bhii beh'r meN nahiiN haiN........aur doosre misre meN khayaal bhii behtarii chahtaa hai.....beh'r ke hawaale se ek nachiiz rae ye hai......

pehle to / guzar jaate the / nazroN ko / churaaye sab
aaNkoN se / ye ab aaNkheiN / milaaye / kaun baiThaa hai

>>muddat huyi jab kisi ne palatkar haal-e-dil poocha ho
>>aaj haq meiN shumaila ke,mehfil saajaye kaun baitha hai

maqta bhi beh'r meN nahiiN hai......aap koshish kijiye.....ghazal kenhe waale ko maqte se khaas lagaav hotaa hai isliye maiN koshish nahiiN karuuNga ise badalney ki......aapke liye choRe jaa raha huuN....

maiN khud bhi abhi beh'r seekhne ki koshiish meN huuN....mere ilm aur samajh ke mutaabiq jo mujhe lagaa maine vo kaha ....ho sakta ka aapko meri islaah se itefaaq na ho....aur feroz saahab is muaam'ley meN mujhse kahiiN jiyaada ilm rakhte haiN isliye maine unse idhar aane ki darkhuvvast ki thi jo ki unhone kabuul bhi ki meri khushnasiibi se.....yahaN jo khayalaat maine darj kiye haiN yahi soch kar kiye haiN ki agar kuch galat bhi hoga to vo durust kar deNge aur mere ilm meN bhii izaafa hoga.......aakhir insaan seekhte seekhte hi seekhtaa hai........!!

umiid hai aap nachiiz ki kisii baat ka buraa nahiiN maaneNgii......agar koii baat khatkii ho to khabardaar kijiyega...maiN aaiNdaa khayaal rakhuuNgaa.........

phir bhii aapne is dafaa ghazal kehne meN kaafi mehnat kii hai....meri mubarkbaad phir se kabuul kijiye

aur bhi likhiye.....

aadaab
maikasH

shumaila · **Shukriya maiksH ji!! -** 26th January 2002, 03:32 PM

Aadaab!!

Sab se pehle to aap ka bahut bahut shukriya jo aapko hamari ye choti si koshish pasand aayi...kya karein zyada malumaat to hai nahi ..bas koshish hi kar liya karte hain

Aap ko pasand aayi dil ko accha laga.

Bura maane ki to baat hi nahi hai,humne islaah ke liye hi to apni ghazal ko pesh kiya hai...Aapne jo baat batayi uspe gaur fikr karungi....kabhi na kabhi to woh waqt aayega jab hume bhi beher samajh aane lagegi..duaa kijiye

Aapne baja farmaaya ke sher ke aakhir mein '?' nahi lagana chahiye kyonki yahan pe maiN apne jazbaat ka izraar kar rahi hoon lekin saath saath maiN apne aap se sawal bhi to kar rahi hoon ke bhala kaun hadard hai jo mere jeene ki duayein kar raha hai..to kya is haal meiN '?' lagana munasiib nahi?..zaroor bataiyega..!!

sher 1 ka badal accha laga.shukriya!!

sher 2 mein mujhe bhi bahut mushkil aayi thi likhney meiN..agar aapke zehan meiN koi badal ho to bataiyega.

sher 3 to bahut accha laga!!
ye jeene kiiN / mere haQ meiN / duaayeN / kaun detaa hai
mire marne / ki khaahish ko / bhulaaye / kaun baiThaa hai

Waah...!!

sher 4 bhi accha laga.

maqte ke baare me sochungi ki ise kaise durust kiya jaaye!!

Shukriya ek baar phir aapka jo aapne apna keemti waqt nikala aur apni ray se nawaza...hume Feroz sahab ki bhi ray ka intizaar rahega!!

Dua go,
shumaila

Feroz · **kaun baaiThaa hai........ -** 27th January 2002, 09:48 AM

shumaila ji

aap kii yeh koshish zer e nazar hai,,,,, aur aap ko maiN is baat kii mubaarakbaad denaa chaahtaa huN, ke aap ne ek mushkil kaam karney kii koshish kii hai..........
aap kii Ghazal par maiqash ne qaafii tafsiilii raai dii hai, jis bahr meiN aap ne Ghazal kahney kii koshish kii hai, us lihaaz se merii bhii slaah sun liijiiye.

1.Chehre ko naqaab meiN chupaaye kaun baitha hai?
HaathoN ko duaooN meiN uthaaye kaun baitha hai?
>...pahlii baat ke misrey ke pahley letter ko capital karney ki zaruurat nahiiN hotii, duusrii baat ye ke pahley aur duusrey misrey meiN aapsii "connection" kii kamii nazar aatii hai, lekin is meiN Darney kii koii baat nahiiN. maiN aap ke bunyaadii Khyaal ko nahiiN badlnaa chaahtaa is liiye sirf bahr kii Khaamii durust karney kii koshish kar rahaa huuN. ye suurat mulaahizaa ho......
rukh e raushan/ ko aaNchal meiN/ chhupaaye kaun/ baiThaa hai,
duaa meiN apney haathoN ko uThaaye kaun baithaa hai. aur haaN jaisaa ke mere qaabil dost maikash saahab ne farmaayaa ke aap kaa ye sher ek "rhetorical question" hai , is meiN ? kaa nishaan laazimii nahiiN .

2.
Is sang duniya meiN Khuda ki paak baargaaH meiN
Apni gardan ko jhukaaye kaun baitha hai?
......................ek baat to ye hai ke "sang" se aap kaa matlab pathar hai naa? agar haaN to , mere Khyaal meiN sang-dil kuchh zyaadaa theek lagegaa. aur phir wohii donoN misroN meiN aapsii ta'aalluq nahiiN hai. aap is sher ko matlab ke lihaaz se saaf karney kii aur jaisaa ke mainey aur maikash saahab ne bahr ko "analyse" kar ke bataayaa hai us hisaab se Theek karney kii koshish kijiiye.

3.
kaun hamdard hai jo mere jeene ki duaayeiN karta hai
jaane ashq aankhooN meiN samaaye kaun baitha hai?
> yeh sher mafhuum(matlab) ke hisaab se to Theek hai lekin bahr meiN kuchh gaDbaD hai, ek suurat ye ho saktii hai.......
merii Khaatir duaayeiN kar rahaa hai kaun is na jaaney
kahiiN Khaamosh, haathoN ko uThaaye kaun baiThaa hai.

ek baat yeh ke koshish karnii chaahiye ek sher meiN pahley misrey ke aakhirii alfaaz qaafiiya-o-radiif ke saath "rhyme" naa kartey hoN.

....................aaj ke liiye itnaa hii qaafii hai. aap dil ChoTaa naa kijiyegaa. aur baaqii ashaar ko bhii Khud Theek karney kii koshish kijiiye.

Feroz

shumaila · 02:57 PM

Aapka bahut shukriya jo aapne waqt nikal kar hamari ghazal pe apni ray pesh ki...maine maikash sahab aur aap ki ray ke mutaabik..isi ghazal ko phir se likhne ki koshish ki hai..pata nahi ise sahi se likhne me kaamyaab huyi hoon ya nahi..ye to aap log hi bata sakte hain...idhar se guzrein to zara ghazal parhte jaiyega aur batate jaaiyega ke sahi hai ya nahi..shukriya!!

rukh-e-raushan ko aanchal meiN chhupaaye kaun baitha hai
merii khaatir ashq aankhoN meiN samaaye kaun baitha hai

barsoN ke baad jaakar dil ko bahut sukuuN milaa
ye haathoN ko duaooN meiN uThaaye kaun baitha hai

merii jeene ki duayeiN kar raha hai kaun na jaaney
merii marne kii khaahish ko bhulaaye kaun baitha hai

pehle to nazar bachakar nikal jaate the sabhi
nazroN se ye ab nazreiN milaaye kaun baitha hai

guzar rahi thi muddat se tanha ye zindagani
aaj merii raahoN meiN aankheiN bichaaye kaun baitha hai

sar-e-bazm haal-e-dil pooch raha hai har milne wala
Shumaila ke haq meiN mehfil sajaaye kaun baitha hai

nacheez,
shumaila

maikasH · **gaur kijiye...!! -** 29th January 2002, 12:26 PM

Aziizaa Shumaila ji.....aadaab

ye dekh kar be-in'tehaa khushii huii ki aapne phir se koshish ki.....

ek gustaakhii kar raha huuN...muaafii pehle hi maange leta huuN...

itni arz karna chahta tha ke aapki ghazal ka "revised version" bhi beh'r meN nahiiN hai......lafz rhyme nahiiN kar rahe.....aik nazar dekhne bhar se beh'r ki khaamiiyaaN nazar aati haiN......bura na maniyega lekin aapko ye ilm hona bohat zaroori hai......

aap is ghazal ko tarrannum meN recite kar ke dekhiye to aapko kuch andaza hoga....beh'r ka wajuud hi isliye hai ke har kalaam tarrannum meN bhii kaha jaa sake.......

IS "revised version" meN bahot si tachQniiquii galatiiyaaN haiN......mere hisaab se ghazal is pehlii suurta is se kehiiN behtar thi......kisi bhi sher meN pehla misra doosre ka humqadam nahiin lag raha......its completely out of beh'r...

agar ho sake to phir se gaur kijiye aur is beh'r ke hisaab se paRhne ki koshish kijiye......

meri baat ka bura mat maaniyega......

maikasH

shumaila · **I'm so discoraged!! -** 29th January 2002, 02:41 PM

Sunke bahut mayousi huyi ke hamara revised version original se bhi bura nikla

Humne kaha tha na aapse ki hamari liye kisi ek baar likhi cheez ko dubara change karna bahut mushkil kaam hai..phir usme woh reality/woh ehsas nahi rah jata hai...I think ye ghazleiN likhna mere bas ki baat nahi

Maine itni koshish ki thi ke ise kayde se kah sakoon...I tried to keep the lenght of all the shers same aur jahan tak rhyme ki baat hai to maine Feroz sahab ki is baat ko maddenazar rakhte huye sher likhe the....
>>"ek baat yeh ke koshish karnii chaahiye ek sher meiN pahley misrey ke aakhirii alfaaz qaafiiya-o-radiif ke saath "rhyme" naa kartey hoN. "

Hmm...lagta hai I'll never understand the concept of beher!!I'm feeling very sad!!Anyways,Main dubara ispe nazar daalne ki koshish karungi!!

Shukriya maikasHji aapka ke aapne hamari galti pointout ki!!

Adaab,
shumaila

Feroz · **kaun baiThaa hai! -** 29th January 2002, 05:22 PM

shumaila

aap kaa dil TooT gayaa sun kar dukh huaa, aur saath hii saath mujhey wo din yaad aa gaye jab mainey likhnaa shuru kiyaa thaa, bahut se sher raddii kii Tokrii(jo pahley hii bharii huii thii) meiN pheiNkney paDey. mere ustaad ne ek din suggest kiiya "tum nazmeiN likkhaa karo", lol. yaanii (ghazaleiN tumhaarey bas meiN nahiiN).

aap akelii nahiiN jin ko mushkil pesh aatii hai, agar aap ye Ghazal revise nahiiN kar saktiiN to ek aur naii Ghazal kahney kii koshish kar ke dekhiiye. ab ke aisaa kiijiiye ke agar aap GHazaleiN sunaney kii shauqiin haiN to kisii mashhoor Ghazal kii dhun par apnii GHazal kahney kiii koshish kiijiiye, aur phir usey usii dhun par gungunaa kar dekhiiye. aur phir post kiijiiyegaa. aap to pahlii baar meiN hii ghabraa gayiiN.

Feroz

s_jafri123 · 6th February 2002, 11:07 AM

salaaammmmmmmm janab,banda kahta hai par sunane par kam yakeen rakhta hai...khair chand kalaam aap ke naam.to arz hai
AJAB ZABAN KA PAIKAR HOON KE ZABAN NAHI
WO EK JISM HOON YAARON KE JISME JAAN NAHI

ZINDAGI BEWAFA THI TUJHKO ZINDAGI YUN KIYA
TERI WAFA SE BEWAFAI KA IMKAAN NAHI

YE NAFRATON KE MAHEL FIRKE KI BUNIYAADON PE
KHADA KARE JO KOI DEKHO WO INSAAN NAHI

WO EK KHAYAAL HAI MERE JIGAR ME RAHTA HAI
KAUN KAHTA HAI USKA KAHEEN MAKAAN NAHI

HAI SAANS MERI KAHAN TERE DIL KI DHADKAN HAI
KE DHADKANON SE TERI DIL MERE ANJAAN NAHI;;;
Ek aur
DOSTON KO KAREEB MAT KARNA
GHAM KO APNA NASEEB MAT KARNA

MERE ALLAH IS ZAMANE ME
AADMI KO GAREEB MAT KARNA

DUSHMANON SE WAFA MILEGI TUMHE
DOSTON KO RAKEEB MAT KARNA

DIL KE ZAKHMON PE MARHAMON KE LIYE
DOSTON KO TABEEB MAT KARNA

DIL JO DO KISI KO NAZUK TO
USKO YA RAB ADEEB MAT KARNA

SHAMS SACH HAI SIWAYE MAALIK KE
TUM KISI KO HABEEB MAT KARNA….ab kuch galat mat sochna its literature n u don’t know what made me to say so…shayar ko aap nahi jaante ke kyon aur kaise kahta hai….aur lo jhelo
Samaji…hindustaniyon ke naam

HAI YE KHOOBI KE HAR EK KHAAMI KA IKRAAR KARO
SHAKHE GUL HUN MAI MUJHE DEKHO NA TALWAAR KARO

AKBARI SHAAN GEERI ADL O JURRAT E ZAF AR
AAJ BHI HUMME HAI GAR HUMPE ETBAAR KARO

KYA APNE TAAJ AJAYAB GHARON SE LE AAYEN
SOCH LO JAAN LO PHIR HUMKO BEKARAAR KARO

SISKIYAAN BABRI MASJID KI AB BHI AATI HAIN
YE AUR BAAT HAI AB SAB KA AAFTAAR KARO

YAZEED E WAQT GAR AAYE JO MUQABIL TO
HUSAIN IBNE ALI KI TARAH INKAAR KARO

JHAGDE FIRKE KE YE MASLAK KI LADAI AUR TUM
APNE HAALAT APNE HAATHON NA DUSHWAAR KARO

KOI KUCH BHI KAHE ISLAM SE SEEKHA HAI SHAMS
KHUDA SE AUR USKE BANDON SE TUM PYAAR KARO….jee kaisi
PLZZZZZZZ
comment on it
khuda hafez
s shamsul hasan jafri
student of engg final yr
aligarh muslim university
aligarh

Pyarali Rajan · 6th February 2002, 06:59 PM

Shumailaji,

Aapki ye ghazal lajawaab hai!! Mai kabhi kabhi likh leta hun, jo dil mai aya!! lekin shairi kis tarah kaisey likhi jaati hai woh mujhey patta nahin- lekin aap ney bahot hi achha likha hai.

guzar rahi thi muddat se tanha ye zindagani
aaj merii raahoN meiN aankheiN bichaaye kaun baitha hai

Wah!!!

Rajan

shumaila · **bahut khoob s_jafreji.. -** 7th February 2002, 04:29 PM

Aapko bhi salaam..sabse pehle to bahut shukriya jo aapne apne kalaam hamare naam kiye..sabhi kalaam bahut accha likha hai lekin doosra wala bahut hi accha laga..

DOSTON KO KAREEB MAT KARNA
GHAM KO APNA NASEEB MAT KARNA

MERE ALLAH IS ZAMANE ME
AADMI KO GAREEB MAT KARNA

DUSHMANON SE WAFA MILEGI TUMHE
DOSTON KO RAKEEB MAT KARNA

DIL KE ZAKHMON PE MARHAMON KE LIYE
DOSTON KO TABEEB MAT KARNA

DIL JO DO KISI KO NAZUK TO
USKO YA RAB ADEEB MAT KARNA

SHAMS SACH HAI SIWAYE MAALIK KE
TUM KISI KO HABEEB MAT KARNA….

bahut sahi!!

aur pehli do ghazal bhi acchi lagi lekin bahut se alfaaz sir ke upar se nikal gaye

..behtar hota agar aap saath mein mushkil alfaazoN ke maayne bhi likh dete!!thanx..

aur bhi sunate rahiyega!!

K'hafiz,
shumaila

shumaila · **bahut bahut shukriya.. -** 8th February 2002, 02:53 AM

Aadaab rajan ji!!

Kya baat hai..bade zamane baad yahan nazar aaye..hum to samjhe aapne shayri.com pe aana choRh diya...anyways,Aap ko dubara yahan dekhke accha laga...aate rahiyega

aur HAN shukriya jo aap ko hamari choti si koshish pasand aayi!!Hum bhi bas yuhin tukbandi kar lete hain...accha likhna to hume bhi nahi aata...but trying to learn.

Regards,
shumaila