Meri Pahli Ghazal (Need suggestions)

[prasad.kulkarni]

I have written five Ghazals and this is the first one which I wrote in 2004. Meri iss Ghazal ko sirf kuchh aziiz dosto.N ne hi paDhi hai. Urdu to mai.N ne kisi se siiKhi nahi.N aur phir South India me.N Urdu siKhaanewaale milte bhi nahi.N hain. Ghazalo.N ko sun ne ki meri baDi aadat hai aur wohi aadat ne mujhe thoDi Urdu siiKhaa di hai.

To aaj aapkiliye arz kartaa huun apani pahli Ghazal..

kisii husn parii kaa aNdeKhaa sapanaa huuN
dil me.N rah ke naa jaagii woh tamannaa huu.N

un surKh laboN talaq jab le ga_ii thii kismat
chhuune se pahale TuuT gayaa woh paimaanaa huu.N

jis Ghar se ho ke rusawaa nikale ka_ii yaar
uss Ghar kaa mai.N nayaa mahmaan huu.N

GhamoN ke kaale baadal kitane ubhar aaye
baaho.N me.N leke bhii naa barasaa woh aasamaan huu.N

unke gesu_oN se jo Khuub Khelatii rahii
uss sabaa ki shoKhiyo.N se badgumaan huu.N

waqt ne jise kabhii ban ne nahii.N diyaa (Asir)
uss adhuurii kahaanii kaa aNjaam huu.N

I used a pen name 'asir-e-chashm' meaning 'prisoned in eyes', and shortened to 'Asir' which I used to include in the last verse of my Ghazals as is the custom. Later, I dropped it thinking a pen name would not be necessary when the number of Ghazals I have written is just five.

To aap mujhe bataa_iye aapko meri ye Ghazal kaisi lagi aur ye bhi zaruur bataa_iye ke Urdu ke hisaab se iss me.N kitani Ghalatiyaa.N hain jinko aur unko kaise Thiik kiyaa jaa saktaa hai.

Shukriya
Prasad (Asir)

[Mayank]

Originally Posted by prasad.kulkarni

I have written five Ghazals and this is the first one which I wrote in 2004. Meri iss Ghazal ko sirf kuchh aziiz dosto.N ne hi paDhi hai. Urdu to mai.N ne kisi se siiKhi nahi.N aur phir South India me.N Urdu siKhaanewaale milte bhi nahi.N hain. Ghazalo.N ko sun ne ki meri baDi aadat hai aur wohi aadat ne mujhe thoDi Urdu siiKhaa di hai.

To aaj aapkiliye arz kartaa huun apani pahli Ghazal..

kisii husn parii kaa aNdeKhaa sapanaa huuN
dil me.N rah ke naa jaagii woh tamannaa huu.N

un surKh laboN talaq jab le ga_ii thii kismat
chhuune se pahale TuuT gayaa woh paimaanaa huu.N

jis Ghar se ho ke rusawaa nikale ka_ii yaar
uss Ghar kaa mai.N nayaa mahmaan huu.N

GhamoN ke kaale baadal kitane ubhar aaye
baaho.N me.N leke bhii naa barasaa woh aasamaan huu.N

unke gesu_oN se jo Khuub Khelatii rahii
uss sabaa ki shoKhiyo.N se badgumaan huu.N

waqt ne jise kabhii ban ne nahii.N diyaa (Asir)
uss adhuurii kahaanii kaa aNjaam huu.N

I used a pen name 'asir-e-chashm' meaning 'prisoned in eyes', and shortened to 'Asir' which I used to include in the last verse of my Ghazals as is the custom. Later, I dropped it thinking a pen name would not be necessary when the number of Ghazals I have written is just five.

To aap mujhe bataa_iye aapko meri ye Ghazal kaisi lagi aur ye bhi zaruur bataa_iye ke Urdu ke hisaab se iss me.N kitani Ghalatiyaa.N hain jinko aur unko kaise Thiik kiyaa jaa saktaa hai.

Shukriya
Prasad (Asir)

Prasad jee:

Namaste:

aap ki is Ghazal par nazar paDi...PaDh kar khushii huii kii aap apnii Ghazal ki Ghaltiyaa.n jaan,na chaahte hai.n aur usay sudhaarna chaahte hai.n.. par is me.n abhi bohat si khaamiyaa.n hai.n, mai.n aap ko ek link de raha huu.n.

http://www.shayri.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2125

aap yeh thread paDhenge to aap ko Ghazal ke kuchh technical pehlu samjh me.n aaye.nge.. aap un ko paDhiye aur apnii Ghazal par khaamiyo.n ko khud DhunDhane ki koshish keejiye.. aur Ghazal par dubaara mehnat keejiye.. aap ki koshish zaruur ra.ng laayegii...

Mayank

[prashant vasl]

Dear Friend
I read your 'gazal attempt'after going through your feelings and the first thing that I want to suggest is that..forget about knowing hindi or urdu.now a days,even a muslim is not properly aware of the 'urdu'the way a hindu is unaware of proper and ;right hindi'.write a gazl or any other other kind of poetry from heart and in language that's easily understandable...because if U have to keep educating readers about the meaning of the 'true purpose'of writig is defeated..ie 'touching one's heart'.hope u r not writing to flaunt ur 'knowledge of words'.we talk in hindustani lingo that's a mix of hindi,urdu and even english..so be normal first..and what 'custom;u talk about.!!u appear to be young,dynamic man and it is expected of U to follow only one custom..'loving people around and doing deeds good to nation.'
abt ur gazal:u have expression but clarity is required.i will get connected to u again.for now..bye.think!!!!
PRASHANT VASL
(know more abt me from ny blog PRASHANT VASL BLOG on yahoo 360
or my latest compilation of shayri LAUT-TE-HUYE available at CROSSWORD and other stores)

Originally Posted by prasad.kulkarni

I have written five Ghazals and this is the first one which I wrote in 2004. Meri iss Ghazal ko sirf kuchh aziiz dosto.N ne hi paDhi hai. Urdu to mai.N ne kisi se siiKhi nahi.N aur phir South India me.N Urdu siKhaanewaale milte bhi nahi.N hain. Ghazalo.N ko sun ne ki meri baDi aadat hai aur wohi aadat ne mujhe thoDi Urdu siiKhaa di hai.

To aaj aapkiliye arz kartaa huun apani pahli Ghazal..

kisii husn parii kaa aNdeKhaa sapanaa huuN
dil me.N rah ke naa jaagii woh tamannaa huu.N

un surKh laboN talaq jab le ga_ii thii kismat
chhuune se pahale TuuT gayaa woh paimaanaa huu.N

jis Ghar se ho ke rusawaa nikale ka_ii yaar
uss Ghar kaa mai.N nayaa mahmaan huu.N

GhamoN ke kaale baadal kitane ubhar aaye
baaho.N me.N leke bhii naa barasaa woh aasamaan huu.N

unke gesu_oN se jo Khuub Khelatii rahii
uss sabaa ki shoKhiyo.N se badgumaan huu.N

waqt ne jise kabhii ban ne nahii.N diyaa (Asir)
uss adhuurii kahaanii kaa aNjaam huu.N

I used a pen name 'asir-e-chashm' meaning 'prisoned in eyes', and shortened to 'Asir' which I used to include in the last verse of my Ghazals as is the custom. Later, I dropped it thinking a pen name would not be necessary when the number of Ghazals I have written is just five.

To aap mujhe bataa_iye aapko meri ye Ghazal kaisi lagi aur ye bhi zaruur bataa_iye ke Urdu ke hisaab se iss me.N kitani Ghalatiyaa.N hain jinko aur unko kaise Thiik kiyaa jaa saktaa hai.

Shukriya
Prasad (Asir)

[astrokinghyd]

Prasad Saheb,
Bahot achcha likha hai. Asaach prayatna kareet rahaa. Zaroor tumcha likhaan ujaloon nighel.

Bye
Satish Kingi

[vivekpohre]

I am sorry to say that you need to work on the meter or what we call as chhand in hindi or marathi.
There should be a specific rythm in each line which should be matched either with the starting line or the alternate lines.
Just go on reading ghazals and with the same tempo as the shayars read. One find day you will find yourself the right path.
Congrats for invoking yourself
Regards
-Vivek Pohre

[zafaraalamkhan]

Badlo Na Apne Aap Ko, Jo ho Wahi Raho,
Milte Raho Sabhi Se Magar Ajnabi Raho…!
Duniya Na Jeet Pao Toh Haro Na Khud Ko Tum,
Thodi Bahut Toh Zehan Mein Naraazgi Rakho…!
Apni Tarah Sabhi Ko Kisi Ki Talaash hai,
Tum Jiske Bhi Qarib Raho Door Hi Raho…!

Yeh tumhare liye PRASAD...!

Originally Posted by prasad.kulkarni

I have written five Ghazals and this is the first one which I wrote in 2004. Meri iss Ghazal ko sirf kuchh aziiz dosto.N ne hi paDhi hai. Urdu to mai.N ne kisi se siiKhi nahi.N aur phir South India me.N Urdu siKhaanewaale milte bhi nahi.N hain. Ghazalo.N ko sun ne ki meri baDi aadat hai aur wohi aadat ne mujhe thoDi Urdu siiKhaa di hai.

To aaj aapkiliye arz kartaa huun apani pahli Ghazal..

kisii husn parii kaa aNdeKhaa sapanaa huuN
dil me.N rah ke naa jaagii woh tamannaa huu.N

un surKh laboN talaq jab le ga_ii thii kismat
chhuune se pahale TuuT gayaa woh paimaanaa huu.N

jis Ghar se ho ke rusawaa nikale ka_ii yaar
uss Ghar kaa mai.N nayaa mahmaan huu.N

GhamoN ke kaale baadal kitane ubhar aaye
baaho.N me.N leke bhii naa barasaa woh aasamaan huu.N

unke gesu_oN se jo Khuub Khelatii rahii
uss sabaa ki shoKhiyo.N se badgumaan huu.N

waqt ne jise kabhii ban ne nahii.N diyaa (Asir)
uss adhuurii kahaanii kaa aNjaam huu.N

I used a pen name 'asir-e-chashm' meaning 'prisoned in eyes', and shortened to 'Asir' which I used to include in the last verse of my Ghazals as is the custom. Later, I dropped it thinking a pen name would not be necessary when the number of Ghazals I have written is just five.

To aap mujhe bataa_iye aapko meri ye Ghazal kaisi lagi aur ye bhi zaruur bataa_iye ke Urdu ke hisaab se iss me.N kitani Ghalatiyaa.N hain jinko aur unko kaise Thiik kiyaa jaa saktaa hai.

Shukriya
Prasad (Asir)