Ghazal

[Adil]

Aaadaab doston,
ek ghazal lekar khidmat main hazir hua hoon.......
ghazal ke ashaar ko meehsoos karne ki koshish kijiyega,mujhe poori ummeed hai lutfandoz honge.......
matla arz hai.......

"Aatish-o-gul mere ehsaas se hokar guzre,
Har lamha zindagi ka mufeed hokar guzre.

Aatish---fire, gul---flower, ehsaas---feeling
(means i should have exteremes of feeling)
mufeed---advantageous

Mausam-e-khizaa mausam-e-baharaa ho koi rut bhi,
Bas hai khwaab tere saath rehkar guzre.

Mausam-e-khizaa---autumn(season of grief)
mausam-e- baharaa---spring(season of happiness)

Warna rakha hi kya hai is daar-e-faani main,
Naho tu to jism se saans kyon hokar guzre

daar-e-faani---place that has to vanish one day(this world)

Phoolon ko apne husn pe naaz hai to kya,
Bhanwre ki zid har shaakh se hokar guzre.

shaakh---branch
sher par tawajjoh chahoonga

Gharibi itni bhi na ho kisi ke liye,
Subah khaye aur raat bhooke sokar guzre.

Har taraf pyar ki hawa is tarah phaile,
Nafrat ki har deewar gira kar guzre.

Zabaan se jo waadon ki fahrist banai hai,
Siyasatdanon ke kabhi amal se hokar guzre.

fahrist----list
maqta arz kar raha hoon

Hawa ke rukh ke saath behkar na chal 'Adil',
Aise kaise teri zindagi surkhroo hokar guzre.

surkhroo----successfull

mashwaraat ka muntazir
Adil

[Sharaabi]

Janaab,
Acha likha hai aapne! Lekin do teen galtiyaaN nazar aayi, to maiN aapko apne khayaal sunaata huuN, gar aap buura na maane to..

Aatish-o-gul mere ehsaas se hokar guzre,
Har lamha zindagi ka mufeed hokar guzre
--- isko paD kar to laga ki "hokar guzre," aapka 'Radif' hai, kyooN ki aapne chaar-paaNch baar uska isthimaal kiya hai, magar shyad aapka kaafiyaa "Hokar" hai..

Mausam-e-khizaa mausam-e-baharaa ho koi rut bhi,
Bas hai khwaab tere saath rehkar guzre
--- to aakhir Radif "guzre" hai, aur "reh kar," aapka kaafiyaa? is meiN to koii nUks nahiiN!

Warna rakha hi kya hai is daar-e-faani main,
Naho tu to jism se saans kyon hokar guzre
--- is meiN nUks nahiiN waise, lekin aapne phir se "hokar" ka isthimaal kiya hai

Phoolon ko apne husn pe naaz hai to kya,
Bhanwre ki zid har shaakh se hokar guzre
--- the same comment above applies to this

Gharibi itni bhi na ho kisi ke liye,
Subah khaye aur raat bhooke sokar guzre
--- yeh sher to BAHOT pasand aaya, aur is meiN aapka kaafiyaa hai "sokar," which also makes it sound better!

Har taraf pyar ki hawa is tarah phaile,
Nafrat ki har deewar gira kar guzre
--- hmm, gar aap dekho ge to 'hokar' aur 'sokar' meiN kaafiyaa hai, lekin "gira kar" meiN nahiiN

Hawa ke rukh ke saath behkar na chal 'Adil',
Aise kaise teri zindagi surkhroo hokar guzre
--- bahot achi taraH aapne Maqta likha hai, lekin phir wahii 'hokar'


Ab meri baat suniye dost, in baatoN ka bilkul buura na maaniye! maiN sirf chahata huuN ki jitna mujhe aata hai, us se zada aapko aaye, to jo theek laga keh diya..
Aapka har likha hua is ghazal ka sher, qaabil-e-taareef hai! Bahot khoob likha hai aapne, aur jazbaatoN meiN dard bhi saaf saaf dikhta hai, lekin ab thoDa sa ghaur di jiye meri baatoN par..

Jaise aaka kaafiya tha, 'Ho kar' -- har sher aap isthimaal kar sakte the inka, jaise "So kar, Ro kar, Kho kar" and many more..
Umeed hai ki aapko kisi bhi baat se naraazgi nahiiN ho gi, aur is se aapko thoDi madat mile..


Likhte rahiye,
Aman

[SMAH]

assalaam adil sahab
kya haal hai.

acchi ghazal likhi hai aapne. sharaabi sahab ne bhi bohut acche observations kiye hain relating to the structure of the shers which in a way was very wise because i am going to make an attempt to present some,,,, maybe alterations or suggestions to your own thoughts.
please forgive me if i offend you in anyway. not my intention


"Aatish-o-gul mere ehsaas se hokar guzre,
Har lamha zindagi ka mufeed hokar guzre.
khayaal accha hai
sharaabi sahab ne acchi cheez point kee hai. hokar aur guzre kaafi tricky hai lekin jaise baaqi ke sher padhte jayen to maamla saaf hoo jaata hai. i dont think it should be a problem.
ek suggestion: ehsaas e aatish o gul mujh se hokar guzre
kaisa rahega.

Mausam-e-khizaa mausam-e-baharaa ho koi rut bhi,
Bas hai khwaab tere saath rehkar guzre.
bohut khoob

Warna rakha hi kya hai is daar-e-faani main,
Naho tu to jism se saans kyon hokar guzre
bohut umda khayaal hai. lekin jism ki jagaa dil or saans ki jagaa dhadkan kaisa rahega. but by doin that u would have to change faani to something more suitable. daar is not so clear when use it with jism but dil might be good. i like ur present sher too.

Gharibi itni bhi na ho kisi ke liye,
Subah khaye aur raat bhooke sokar guzre.
accha khayaal hai. ek choti si kahaani hai jo sunaana chaahoonga. ek aadmi thaa india mai. humaare ghar ke baaher soota tha. ek baar ghar khaana maangne ke liye aaya. to maine poocha ke uski haalat itni buree kyon hai. usne kahaa ke din mai sirf ek baar khaata hoon. subah uth kar maalik ke paas kaam ke liye jaata hoon (kuch khaaye bina) aur shaam ko lout kar aata hoon to bhook nahi sehen hoti to kuch khaan hi padhta hai.
aapke sher se yeh kahaani yaad aayi. shayaad khaeen aaply hojaye.

Har taraf pyar ki hawa is tarah phaile,
Nafrat ki har deewar gira kar guzre.

Zabaan se jo waadon ki fahrist banai hai,
Siyasatdanon ke kabhi amal se hokar guzre.

Hawa ke rukh ke saath behkar na chal 'Adil',
Aise kaise teri zindagi surkhroo hokar guzre.
ek tachnicality pe ghaur farmaaiye.
ek to hawa ke saath beh nahi sakte(paani). aur hawa mai chal bhi nahi sakte aur behte huwe bhi chal bhi nahi sakte(ummeed hai aap phil waqt smile kar rahe honge)
ek khayaali paimaan pe ghaur farmaiiye
rukh ke saath chalte chale jayen to hi kaamiyaab hote hain.(jaise material ya money ki kaamiyaabi)depends on what u call kamiyaa
rukh se bichad jayen to fame popularity miltee hai.

bore hoo gaye honge. muaafi.

moin hussain

[Adil]

assalmoalaikum Moin sahab,
bahut bahut shukriya pasand farmane ka,aapki dee hui tajweezo.n par zuroor ghaur karoonga,shayad kuch ashaar main kuch kami reh gai hai.....
agar aap jaise sukhanwar aur daana log meri islaah karte rahe to yaqeenan mujhe bohat faaida hoga....
main ummeed karta hoo.n aage bhi islaah farmayeinge....
shukrguzaar
Adil

[Adil]

Aadaab Aman sahab,
aapka behad shukrguzaar hoon,isiliye maine aapko alag se private mail bhi kiya hai...
ummeed karta hoon aap zuroor jawaab denge....
is ghazal main agar munasib ho to "guzre"ko radeef aur "kar" ko kaafiya ki shakl main pade to shayad sahi lage....
jaisa ke main aapko bata chuka hoon mujhe shyri ki zyada samajh nahin hai.....isliye sahi aur ghalat ka faislaa aap hi karein...
jawaab ka muntazir
Adil