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Hamdam
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log kehte haiN - 2nd October 2015, 07:04 PM

Vo kehte haiN tumheiN pyar kerna nahi aata,
Ahle mohabbat ka izhaar karna nahi aata

Hum hote tau kab ke Ishq ki suli char gaye hote,
tumheiN tau mera haath bhi pakarna nahi aata

Kaise nibhaoge tum pyar meiN kasmeiN wade,
jazbaaton ki pyadan pe tumheiN chadna nahi aata..

tumhara ishq bahut foohar , alhar aur nadan hai,
tumhe tau meri ankhon ko bhi padna nahi aata.

mera ishq kachcha hai per mera dil sachcha hai,
mujhe bhavnao ke bhanwar meiN perna nahi aata.

bahut achchi lagti hain mujhe teri saari baatein ,
mujhe shikve shikayton meiN ladna nahi aata.

log kehte haiN bahut kuch vo tau kehte hi rahenge ,
tere pyarke siva mujhe kisi baat pe adna nahiN aata



khone Pane ki daur mein yun uljha hai har bashar ,
Isee kashmeqash mein kat raha Zindagee ka safar.

Last edited by Hamdam; 2nd October 2015 at 08:01 PM..
   
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Qasid
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3rd October 2015, 09:26 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hamdam View Post
Vo kehte haiN tumheiN pyar kerna nahi aata,
Ahle mohabbat ka izhaar karna nahi aata

Hum hote tau kab ke Ishq ki suli char gaye hote,
tumheiN tau mera haath bhi pakarna nahi aata

Kaise nibhaoge tum pyar meiN kasmeiN wade,
jazbaaton ki pyadan pe tumheiN chadna nahi aata..

tumhara ishq bahut foohar , alhar aur nadan hai,
tumhe tau meri ankhon ko bhi padna nahi aata.

mera ishq kachcha hai per mera dil sachcha hai,
mujhe bhavnao ke bhanwar meiN perna nahi aata.

bahut achchi lagti hain mujhe teri saari baatein ,
mujhe shikve shikayton meiN ladna nahi aata.

log kehte haiN bahut kuch vo tau kehte hi rahenge ,
tere pyarke siva mujhe kisi baat pe adna nahiN aata
Sanjay ji ala ehsaason se buni is rachnaa ko mast ka salaam, kuch baatein kehna chahunga aapse yaha....

1. Ehsaas - is mein to aapke kabhi kami lagi hi nahi mujhe aur is baar bhi aapne jis saadgi se dil ki haalat bayaan ki hai mazaa aa gaya...

2. Aap jab alfaazon ka taana bunte hai to pehle muqarrar kijiye ki aapke kaafiye aur radeef ki bayaangi kya hogi, jaane kyun (I could be wrong) aisa lagta hai ki aap do sher likhne baad aage ke ghazal raqm karne ki liye kaafiye sochte hai aur unhe apne ehsaason mein baithaane ki koshish karte hai. Agar aisa hai to mera kehnaa hoga ki aap is baat par thoda dhayaan de, ab yeh bataata hoon ki aisa kyun keh raha hoon main...Yaha bhi mujhe 4th aur 5th sher mein kaafiya repeat lage, har sher ka ek rabt hota hai aur is sheron me ulaa aur saani mein vo baat nahi ban paayi ehsaas ko bunne ki kasar lag rahi hai.....

3. zubaan ki safaai par bhi gaur farmaiye ek baar, bahut zaroori hai jo padhne waala sher ko waise hi padhe jaisa shayar ne likhte waqt use mehsoos kiya ho, yaha shikayaton mein ladna ki jagah shikayaton par ladna jyaada apt raheGaa mere hisaab se...aur har sher ki bayaangi se sher ke wazn mein bahut farq aa jaata hai

Umeed hai aapko meri rakhaa nazariya bura nahi lagegaa...sab se yeh baat nahi keh sakta hoon, yunhi likhte rahiYeGaa



Qasid


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3rd October 2015, 03:39 PM

khoobsoorat ehsaas sanjay bhai maza aa gaya padhkar
likhte rahen............


Aapka Apna
Ishk


'इश्क' के बदले इश्क चाहना तिजारत है
इज़हार किससे करें महबूब तो दिल में है


email: rkm179@gmail.com
   
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Hamdam
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4th October 2015, 09:33 AM

Mast bhai ....
Pehle tau is baat ka shukriya ki aap ne meri koshish ko as a examiner evaluate
kiya aur jo jo kamiyan lagee, unhe step by step pinpoint kiya.

Reg point 2 ...sher 3 and 4 th kafiya different hai meaning wise ..ek jagah padna hai
means reading the eyes and ek.jagah perna hai ..means getting involved.
Mujhe ye ehsaas ho.gaya tha likhte waqt ki reader ise repition na samajh le ,
is liye maine different spelling use kiye ..

Regarrding point no 3 ...I totally agree with u ..per hum jaise writers ka expeience
kum hai , isliye ye galtiyan ho jaati haiN ki expressions nein kami reh jaati hai.

Main aage is baat pe aur tawajo doonga.

Thanks dear for all your effort to guide and help me .I feel blessed and obliged
for the same.

Sanjay Sehgal



khone Pane ki daur mein yun uljha hai har bashar ,
Isee kashmeqash mein kat raha Zindagee ka safar.
   
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masoomshayer
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4th October 2015, 11:05 AM

waah jee muhabbat se bharee tahreer bahut khoobsoorat hai


mere ashar ko mahoob samjh ke chhoomte the jo
kho gaye hain woh log ab un kee justzoo hai
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Madhu 14
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5th October 2015, 11:02 AM

bahut khoob kalaam pesh kiya sanjay ji...

aate rahe..
likhte rahein..



अर्ज मेरी एे खुदा क्या सुन सकेगा तू कभी
आसमां को बस इसी इक आस में तकते रहे
madhu..
   
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Qasid
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5th October 2015, 05:30 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hamdam View Post
Mast bhai ....
Pehle tau is baat ka shukriya ki aap ne meri koshish ko as a examiner evaluate
kiya aur jo jo kamiyan lagee, unhe step by step pinpoint kiya.

Reg point 2 ...sher 3 and 4 th kafiya different hai meaning wise ..ek jagah padna hai
means reading the eyes and ek.jagah perna hai ..means getting involved.
Mujhe ye ehsaas ho.gaya tha likhte waqt ki reader ise repition na samajh le ,
is liye maine different spelling use kiye ..

Regarrding point no 3 ...I totally agree with u ..per hum jaise writers ka expeience
kum hai , isliye ye galtiyan ho jaati haiN ki expressions nein kami reh jaati hai.

Main aage is baat pe aur tawajo doonga.

Thanks dear for all your effort to guide and help me .I feel blessed and obliged
for the same.

Sanjay Sehgal
Sanjay ji - I am overwhelmed to see that you have taken my response positively. Umeed hai aapke likhawaat ka hunar nikhartaa jaaye....



Qasid


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masti
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5th October 2015, 11:40 PM

Bohut khoob sanjay ji...

mazaa aaya pad kar aapke ehsaas.


-Apki Dost
Sarika
   
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sameer'shaad'
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6th October 2015, 09:42 AM

bahut khob sanjay ji...............


Shaad...
   
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