sagar sahab....aadaab
daer se jawaab dene ke liye mazrat chahtaa huuN.....
aapki yeh ghazal bhi mashah allah bphat khoob hai....chaNd khaamiiyaN jo meri in gustaakh nazroN ko khatkiiN....unka zikr kar raha huuN
mera saaNs rokna phir ............. mere dil ki lash karna
tujhe khuoob ye hunar hae .. mujhe pash pash karna
matle ka dosra misra qaabil-e-daad hai magar pehle misra kuch jamaa nahiiN...... "meri saaNs rokna" kuch ghair-shai'rana lag raha hai jin jazabaat ka izhaar aap karna chah rahe haiN yeh tarqiib unke saath insaaf nahiiN kar saki...aur... "dil ki laash karna" bhi mujhe kuch munaasib nahiiN lagaa.......ho sake to pehle misre ka aur badal sochiye....
aa-e tabeeb ! maNgta he meN raha wafa ka marham
tera kam bas jalana ............... mera dil kharash karna
bohat khoob....umda she'r hai.......lekin doosre misre meiN bayaan-e-khayaal kuch behtarii chahta hai......
hae ajeeb teri ulfat ....................... teri la ubaliyaN bhi
mere raaz sun kae mujhse ....... mere raaz fash karna
behtariin she'r hai....bohat khoob
teri bijliiyaN jafa ki ............... mere dil pe gir chuki heN
meN to khak ho chuka huN ..... na mujhe talash karna
yeh she'r bhi khoob hai....pehle misre meiN....."teri bijliiyaaN jafa ki".....ki tartiib agar yuuN hoti to ....."teri jafaa ki bijliyaaN" ....lekin aisa karne se misra khaarij-az-bah'r ho jayega.....isliye iska bhi koi badal sochiye.....aur doosre misre mein mere khyaal se lafz-e-"ab" ka hona misre ko chaar chaaNd lagaa dega.....ab ye kaam kaise hoga yeh aap sochiye.....
tere wasl ki tamanna ............... meri aarzow-e qurbat
howa kargar na sagar .............. tera kash kash karna
WAAAH....maqta bhi bohat khoob....doosre misre pe khaas taur pe meri mubarkbaad kabuul kijiye.....!!
aakhir meiN aapko ek mushkil qafiya istemaal karte hue ek purasar ghazal muqammal karne pe phir se mubarkbaad deta huuN,....aur meter ka bhi aapne khaas khayaal rakha hai.....bohat achche....!!
aap ghazal pe apna home-work...inshah allah ghazal aur bhi nikhat jayegi
maikasH