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~.. Bhalaa ho tera O jane-wale
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janumanu
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~.. Bhalaa ho tera O jane-wale - 29th June 2010, 02:22 PM

KaL ZIDD bhayee ne ek ghzal sunaye jisme, meri mother tongue ka word aayaa , to socha mai bhi apne gaoN ko yaad kar luN ....

Isliye ek gaoN ki gori ki taraf se ek shahri baabu ke liye ghazal likhi hai

___


भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले
सूखा जामुन घर आके देखो कभी जिसपे तुमने थे डाले झूले

लिए तुम्हारे हूं दूर कोसों, हो मेरे लेकिन करीब इतने
जो आँख मून्दू तो तुमको देखूं, बढ़ाऊँ जो तो हाथ छूले

घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े
तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले

दो पल को भूलूँ तुम्हे अगर मैं, तो जाने कैसे रहूंगी ज़िंदा
मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले


bhala ho tera o jane-wale, gaye jahaaN se wo rastaa bhoole
sookha jamun ghar aake dekho kabhi jispe tumne they dale jhoole

liye tumhare hoon door kousoN, ho mere lekin kareeb itne
jo aankh moonduN to tumko dekhuN, badhau jo to haath chool le

ghade bhi tode kuyeN bhi chode, sath dariya ke rukh bhi mode
tumhi se bujhni hai pyaas apni, ahsaan gairoN ka hum bhi kuyn le

do pal ko bhooluN tumhe agar maiN, to jane kaise rahungi zinda
maiN ek pal hi jo naam na luN, to dekho kaise ye saans foole

Last edited by janumanu; 29th June 2010 at 02:32 PM..
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Amanush...
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29th June 2010, 02:39 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by janumanu View Post
KaL ZIDD bhayee ne ek ghzal sunaye jisme, meri mother tongue ka word aayaa , to socha mai bhi apne gaoN ko yaad kar luN ....

Isliye ek gaoN ki gori ki taraf se ek shahri baabu ke liye ghazal likhi hai

___


भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले
सूखा जामुन घर आके देखो कभी जिसपे तुमने थे डाले झूले

लिए तुम्हारे हूं दूर कोसों, हो मेरे लेकिन करीब इतने
जो आँख मून्दू तो तुमको देखूं, बढ़ाऊँ जो तो हाथ छूले

घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े
तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले

दो पल को भूलूँ तुम्हे अगर मैं, तो जाने कैसे रहूंगी ज़िंदा
मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले


bhala ho tera o jane-wale, gaye jahaaN se wo rastaa bhoole
sookha jamun ghar aake dekho kabhi jispe tumne they dale jhoole

liye tumhare hoon door kousoN, ho mere lekin kareeb itne
jo aankh moonduN to tumko dekhuN, badhau jo to haath chool le

ghade bhi tode kuyeN bhi chode, sath dariya ke rukh bhi mode
tumhi se bujhni hai pyaas apni, ahsaan gairoN ka hum bhi kuyn le

do pal ko bhooluN tumhe agar maiN, to jane kaise rahungi zinda

maiN ek pal hi jo naam na luN, to dekho kaise ye saans foole
Waah, Vikas Bhaayee...! Kya khoob likhaa hai aapne...! Bahut accha lagaa isse paDhkar...!

Ek gaane ki yaad bhi aagayi :

Pardeshiyon se na akhiyaN milaana
Pardeshiyon ko hai ek din jaana...!

Aakhri sher kuch khaas lagaa...!

Likhte raheiN aur apna khayaal bhi rakheiN, ok...?

With blessings





Jeene ke liye mujhe ek sapna dedo
Haqeekat meri jaaN liye jaa rahi hai

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29th June 2010, 03:22 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by janumanu View Post
KaL ZIDD bhayee ne ek ghzal sunaye jisme, meri mother tongue ka word aayaa , to socha mai bhi apne gaoN ko yaad kar luN ....

Isliye ek gaoN ki gori ki taraf se ek shahri baabu ke liye ghazal likhi hai

___


भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले
सूखा जामुन घर आके देखो कभी जिसपे तुमने थे डाले झूले

लिए तुम्हारे हूं दूर कोसों, हो मेरे लेकिन करीब इतने
जो आँख मून्दू तो तुमको देखूं, बढ़ाऊँ जो तो हाथ छूले

घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े
तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले

दो पल को भूलूँ तुम्हे अगर मैं, तो जाने कैसे रहूंगी ज़िंदा
मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले


bhala ho tera o jane-wale, gaye jahaaN se wo rastaa bhoole
sookha jamun ghar aake dekho kabhi jispe tumne they dale jhoole

liye tumhare hoon door kousoN, ho mere lekin kareeb itne
jo aankh moonduN to tumko dekhuN, badhau jo to haath chool le

ghade bhi tode kuyeN bhi chode, sath dariya ke rukh bhi mode
tumhi se bujhni hai pyaas apni, ahsaan gairoN ka hum bhi kuyn le

do pal ko bhooluN tumhe agar maiN, to jane kaise rahungi zinda

maiN ek pal hi jo naam na luN, to dekho kaise ye saans foole
Vikas ji,
Namskaar.....
Bahut acha lga aapko padhkar,,,,, Aise hi likhte rahiye,,,,Dil se daad qubool kijiiyega....!!!!


KAVITA NEGI

Hame ehbab ki lambi qataron sy nahi matlab..........!!
Jo dil sy hamara ho hame wo ik shaksh kaafi he......!!
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ISHK EK IBADAT
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Love 29th June 2010, 05:14 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by janumanu View Post
KaL ZIDD bhayee ne ek ghzal sunaye jisme, meri mother tongue ka word aayaa , to socha mai bhi apne gaoN ko yaad kar luN ....

Isliye ek gaoN ki gori ki taraf se ek shahri baabu ke liye ghazal likhi hai

___


भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले
सूखा जामुन घर आके देखो कभी जिसपे तुमने थे डाले झूले

लिए तुम्हारे हूं दूर कोसों, हो मेरे लेकिन करीब इतने
जो आँख मून्दू तो तुमको देखूं, बढ़ाऊँ जो तो हाथ छूले

घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े
तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले

दो पल को भूलूँ तुम्हे अगर मैं, तो जाने कैसे रहूंगी ज़िंदा
मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले


bhala ho tera o jane-wale, gaye jahaaN se wo rastaa bhoole
sookha jamun ghar aake dekho kabhi jispe tumne they dale jhoole

liye tumhare hoon door kousoN, ho mere lekin kareeb itne
jo aankh moonduN to tumko dekhuN, badhau jo to haath chool le

ghade bhi tode kuyeN bhi chode, sath dariya ke rukh bhi mode
tumhi se bujhni hai pyaas apni, ahsaan gairoN ka hum bhi kuyn le

do pal ko bhooluN tumhe agar maiN, to jane kaise rahungi zinda
maiN ek pal hi jo naam na luN, to dekho kaise ye saans foole
vikas bhai
radhe radhe

wah kya baat hai lajawaab dil se daad
aise hi likhte raho
duaon ke saath


Aapka Apna
Ishk


'इश्क' के बदले इश्क चाहना तिजारत है
इज़हार किससे करें महबूब तो दिल में है


email: rkm179@gmail.com
   
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r_singla95
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29th June 2010, 05:34 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by janumanu View Post
KaL ZIDD bhayee ne ek ghzal sunaye jisme, meri mother tongue ka word aayaa , to socha mai bhi apne gaoN ko yaad kar luN ....

Isliye ek gaoN ki gori ki taraf se ek shahri baabu ke liye ghazal likhi hai

___


भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले
सूखा जामुन घर आके देखो कभी जिसपे तुमने थे डाले झूले

लिए तुम्हारे हूं दूर कोसों, हो मेरे लेकिन करीब इतने
जो आँख मून्दू तो तुमको देखूं, बढ़ाऊँ जो तो हाथ छूले

घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े
तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले

दो पल को भूलूँ तुम्हे अगर मैं, तो जाने कैसे रहूंगी ज़िंदा
मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले


bhala ho tera o jane-wale, gaye jahaaN se wo rastaa bhoole
sookha jamun ghar aake dekho kabhi jispe tumne they dale jhoole

liye tumhare hoon door kousoN, ho mere lekin kareeb itne
jo aankh moonduN to tumko dekhuN, badhau jo to haath chool le

ghade bhi tode kuyeN bhi chode, sath dariya ke rukh bhi mode
tumhi se bujhni hai pyaas apni, ahsaan gairoN ka hum bhi kuyn le

do pal ko bhooluN tumhe agar maiN, to jane kaise rahungi zinda

maiN ek pal hi jo naam na luN, to dekho kaise ye saans foole
Bahut hi khubsurat likha hai vikas bhai. Daad Hazir hai.
   
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naresh_mehra110
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29th June 2010, 10:23 PM

दो पल को भूलूँ तुम्हे अगर मैं, तो जाने कैसे रहूंगी ज़िंदा
मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले

Good One.........Vikas Ji........bahut khoob !




YuuN Besabab Aansoo Aate NahiN
Lag Zaroor Koii Baat Dil Ko Rahii Hai ...

Fareb Kaa ChaDhtaa Bazaar Dekh
Insaaf Se Bastii Khaalii Ho Rahii Hai ...


---Naresh Mehra----
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30th June 2010, 01:19 AM

Ghazal ke aibaar se bayaani bohat kamzor rahi Vikaas Saheb.........lekin ek sher aapka bohat bohat pasand aaya.

घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े
तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले


Jhoot kehdu yeh meri fitrat me nahi shamil

Par tujhe bevafa bhi kehna achcha nahi lagta...

Mob.: +971 501297654
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30th June 2010, 02:40 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by sajid_ghayel View Post
Ghazal ke aibaar se bayaani bohat kamzor rahi Vikaas Saheb.........lekin ek sher aapka bohat bohat pasand aaya.

घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े
तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले

bhayee zara khul ke batayeN...
maine ye gahzal sirf byaaN ko acha karne ke liye likhi hai , aur kisi cheez ka dhyaan nahi rakha maine

yaani mera likhna bekaar gaya ..
plzz batayeN kaise theek karuN
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30th June 2010, 03:38 PM

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Originally Posted by naresh_mehra110 View Post
दो पल को भूलूँ तुम्हे अगर मैं, तो जाने कैसे रहूंगी ज़िंदा
मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले

Good One.........Vikas Ji........bahut khoob !

Shkriyaa naresh ji


abhi good one hi kaafi hai, kabhi to good all likh dunga
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Bahut hi khubsurat likha hai vikas bhai. Daad Hazir hai.
Singla sahab ji shukriyaa
aapka comment karne ke liye

and welcome to SDC
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.................................................. .................................................. ..............
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Originally Posted by janumanu View Post
KaL ZIDD bhayee ne ek ghzal sunaye jisme, meri mother tongue ka word aayaa , to socha mai bhi apne gaoN ko yaad kar luN ....

Isliye ek gaoN ki gori ki taraf se ek shahri baabu ke liye ghazal likhi hai

ye baat aaj tak samajh nahi aayi mujhe.....gaooo me sab ladkiya gori hi hoti hai

___

apka jo meter hai mere khayaal se aur mere opinion me sabse ravaa aur sabse beautiful meter hai....is meter me agar sahi likha ho to padne wala apne aap gane lagega...automatic...padte padte
haa...naye logo ke liye mamuli dikkat to hai
121/22 121/22 121/22 121/22
( zihaale masti makun baranjish bahaale hizra hamara dil hai
sunaii deti hai jiski dhadkan tumhara dil ya hamaara dil hai)


भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले
theek wazn me hai

सूखा जामुन घर आके देखो कभी जिसपे तुमने थे डाले झूले
yaha start nahi le raha hai rhythm.......
sookha ke 'soo' ne start ko rok diya......
aise try kijiye.....

ghar aake dekho vo suukha jaamun jahaa pe tumne the jhule jhule
( ya daale jhuule)

lagta hai nazir akbarabaadi sahab se inpire ho gaye hai.....
bhindi baigan jamun sab le aaye.....


लिए तुम्हारे हूं दूर कोसों, हो मेरे लेकिन करीब इतने
wazn theek hai...
liye tumhaare me bhi koi error nahi bus kaan ko khatakta hai.....shayad mera hi kaan badtameez hoga
aisa dekhiye...vo chaahe humse ho duur koso hai phir bhi itne kareeeb mere

जो आँख मून्दू तो तुमको देखूं, बढ़ाऊँ जो तो हाथ छूले

बढ़ाऊँ जो तो हाथ छूले--yaha thoda gadbad hai
aise dekhiye gar apko pasand aaye to aur apki girah me badha na aaye

# badaauu mai haath gar vo chuule
# badaauu haatho ko gar vo chuule
# badaauu jo haath tu vo chuule( adressal problem -tumko-tu)
# badaauu gar haath usko chuule
# badaauu jo haath usko chuule

ya aisa kuch bhi


घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े

साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े=is tukde ka wazn gya
bahut se daryo.n ke rukh bhi mode...
isse accha nahi bana mujhse....


तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले

अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले =
is tukde ka bhi wazn gaya
gairo.n ke ehsaan hum bhi kyu len


दो पल को भूलूँ तुम्हे अगर मैं, तो जाने कैसे रहूंगी ज़िंदा
मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले

ye sher aapka bhaut khaas laga.....
daad haazir hai.....
magar chillaata hua sher hai....so zara dabaa dijiye
ishq jataa rahe hai ya inquilaab zindabaad bol rahe hai?
naazuk sher hai zaraa subtle tarah se ho to bahut mazaa aaye
iski ek suurat hi bata deta hu...kyuki bahut pasand aaya ye sher
sher wazn me hai apka...

do pal ko bhulee tumhe agar dil(hum) to jaane phir hum jiyenge kaise
mai naam gar aik pal bhi na lu to dusre pal hi saans foole




bhala ho tera o jane-wale, gaye jahaaN se wo rastaa bhoole
sookha jamun ghar aake dekho kabhi jispe tumne they dale jhoole

liye tumhare hoon door kousoN, ho mere lekin kareeb itne
jo aankh moonduN to tumko dekhuN, badhau jo to haath chool le

ghade bhi tode kuyeN bhi chode, sath dariya ke rukh bhi mode
tumhi se bujhni hai pyaas apni, ahsaan gairoN ka hum bhi kuyn le

do pal ko bhooluN tumhe agar maiN, to jane kaise rahungi zinda
maiN ek pal hi jo naam na luN, to dekho kaise ye saans foole

Last edited by zidd; 3rd July 2010 at 03:44 PM..
   
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KunaaL
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3rd July 2010, 05:02 PM

Jahan do ki jagah wahaaN ho... 8 aane lage to uska haal aapke jaisa ho jata hai chaand malik saahab ... all u need to have focus on something not everything .. jahan tak wazn ki baat hai aisa lag raha hai jabardasti thopa gaya hai ise wazn maiN .. isi liye words ka gathjod sahi nahi ho paaya .. jiksa jikra zidd bhai ne kiya hai ... isi liye mere sar ke uper se gayi baaki main ghalat ho sakta huN wo alag baat hai ...


KunaaL (Sifar).........

Hai 'sifar' bhi reyazi ka hissa..
Shayrii bhi hisaab ki hogi..

Last edited by KunaaL; 3rd July 2010 at 05:05 PM..
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4th July 2010, 11:14 AM

kal mere ek dost ne messenger par mujhe kaha ki maine ye line banaii hai

ghar aake dekho vo suukha jaamun jahaa pe tumne the jhule jhule


ye wazn se out hai.....vo kahte hain ki vo forum par is liye nahi kahna chahte ki meri insult ho sakti hai !!!!....to bhai aisi insult se mujhe mat bachaaoo bhai....

khair ...koi aur bhi ye soch sakta hai isliye iska khulasa karne ke liye ye reply de raha hu

ghar aake ki takktee hai ghar 2 / aa 2 / ke 1...magar yaha requirment hai 121 ka.....
magar bhai aap gaa ke dekhiye...sirf taktee kyu dekh rahe hai

zihaale---ghar aake...dekhiye perfect ayega...aur isliye ke

iski taktee hai---- isko pada jayega==gha / raa / ke yani ki 121

...zi...haa....le
gha...raa....ke

ab theek ??...apka maine dono kaam kar diya
   
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4th July 2010, 12:03 PM

भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले
सूखा जामुन घर आके देखो कभी जिसपे तुमने थे डाले झूले

hmmmmmmmmmmm ye aise bhi ho sakta tha...sookha jamun ka ped, ghar a ke dekho,kabhi jispe tune, dale the jhoole.
tab ye gaya bhi jaa sakta hai,sorry to say abhi to bajane ke bhi kabil nahin jee.

Last edited by manu janu; 4th July 2010 at 12:06 PM..
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4th July 2010, 01:21 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by zidd View Post
kal mere ek dost ne messenger par mujhe kaha ki maine ye line banaii hai

ghar aake dekho vo suukha jaamun jahaa pe tumne the jhule jhule


ye wazn se out hai.....vo kahte hain ki vo forum par is liye nahi kahna chahte ki meri insult ho sakti hai !!!!....to bhai aisi insult se mujhe mat bachaaoo bhai....

khair ...koi aur bhi ye soch sakta hai isliye iska khulasa karne ke liye ye reply de raha hu

ghar aake ki takktee hai ghar 2 / aa 2 / ke 1...magar yaha requirment hai 121 ka.....
magar bhai aap gaa ke dekhiye...sirf taktee kyu dekh rahe hai

zihaale---ghar aake...dekhiye perfect ayega...aur isliye ke

iski taktee hai---- isko pada jayega==gha / raa / ke yani ki 121

...zi...haa....le
gha...raa....ke

ab theek ??...apka maine dono kaam kar diya
Bilkul sahi kaha zidd bhai .. yahaaN maiN is baat ka khulaasa karna chahuNga .. jab aapke akshar ke aake swar yaani matra jaisa aata hai to aap use bade swar jaise use kar sakte hai .. jiska ek exampla aapne diya hai ..

kehne ko ghar aake 221 ya 222 banta hai par agar hum use technically dekheN to zaroor usme gunjaish hai aur use galat nahi thehraya jaa ke ..

jo baat maine kahi uska ek example badi mashoor ghazal mai bhi hai

Tumko dekha to ye khyaal aaya ..

par shayar aur gaane waale ne use Khyaa laaya use kiya hai .. jisse wo wazn main ek dum sahi utarta hai .. aur sahi bhi hai ...

Zidd bhai aapka behad shukriya .. aise gyaan baantne ke liye ...


KunaaL (Sifar).........

Hai 'sifar' bhi reyazi ka hissa..
Shayrii bhi hisaab ki hogi..
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janumanu
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4th July 2010, 02:05 PM

Thank u all , for ur comment
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5th July 2010, 02:09 PM

घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े
तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले

Bhai agar apno,n ka R. O. kharaab ho to gair ki dukaan se bisslery ki bottel le kar pyaas bujhane mei koi khatra nahi'n. magar dhyaan se seal check kar lena chahie.
khush raho, likhte raho, har waqat www.shayri.com pe dikhte raho
ameen.
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5th July 2010, 02:44 PM

taras aata hai kaarnamo pe tumhare
koe madari ho to bandar ko sudhare

isliye chup hun maiN, batoN pe tumhari
bhala keechad mai patthar kaun mare

jinki zubaaN se bole ja rahe ho tum
gale mai fasenge yahi chamchy tumhare

Last edited by janumanu; 5th July 2010 at 02:46 PM.. Reason: meri marzi
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5th July 2010, 02:45 PM


भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले
सूखा जामुन घर आके देखो कभी जिसपे तुमने थे डाले झूले

लिए तुम्हारे हूं दूर कोसों, हो मेरे लेकिन करीब इतने
जो आँख मून्दू तो तुमको देखूं, बढ़ाऊँ जो तो हाथ छूले

घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े
तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले


दो पल को भूलूँ तुम्हे अगर मैं, तो जाने कैसे रहूंगी ज़िंदा
मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले


namaste Vikas bhaiya!
aapke huqm kee taamil karne ke liye haazir huN. poore thread par nazar paDee to Zidd saHeb ke misre
ghar aake dekho vo suukha jaamun jahaa pe tumne the jhule jhule
par aitraaz dekhaa. par mere khayaal se yeh misra bilkul theek aur rawaaN bhee. "ghar aake " meN haroof giraane kee ijaazat hai.

1. kinhee do lafzoN meN aisaa karne kee ijaazat hai, basharte rawaanee barkaraar rahe.
2. ek aur baat par dhyan diyaa ja sakta hai keh donoN lafzoN kaa combination (gharaake) se koee teesre lafz nah ban baiThe. jaise keh "ghar aane waale".. gharaane waale.... yahaaN gharaanah ek alag hee lafz hai jiskaa matlab hai khaan_daan. (yeh meraa apnaa sochnaa hai jo mehz mere mehdood tajrubeh kee ijaad hai. ho sakta hai yeh ghalat bhee hoN)

=================================================
aapkee ghazal achchhee koshish hai. kuchh misre wazn se khaarij hai so zidd saHeb unkee aur ishaaraa kar hee chuke hai. maine unheN bold meN kar diyaa hai.

iske alaavaa 2 baateN jis par kisee kaa dhyaan naheeN gayaa keh , matlaa shutur_gurbah kaa shikaar hai.

1.
भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले!

jab "teraa" kaa isktemaal huaa hai, to "gaye" aur radeef meN "bhoole" kahnaa ghalat hai. "bhoolaa" kee gunjaaish hai.

2. ghazal ke radeef kabhee singular hai to kabhee plural. jaise keh,
"kyoN leN"
"chhoo leN"

aakhiree sher meN yeh "phoole" (kyoNki "saaNs" singular hai) ho jaataa hai. so is radeef meN naheeN khaptaa.


maiN ghalat bhee ho saktaa huN magar nazr e saanee karne meN koee harj naheeN


khairandesh
Dheer
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5th July 2010, 02:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by dheer View Post

भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले
सूखा जामुन घर आके देखो कभी जिसपे तुमने थे डाले झूले

लिए तुम्हारे हूं दूर कोसों, हो मेरे लेकिन करीब इतने
जो आँख मून्दू तो तुमको देखूं, बढ़ाऊँ जो तो हाथ छूले

घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े
तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले


दो पल को भूलूँ तुम्हे अगर मैं, तो जाने कैसे रहूंगी ज़िंदा
मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले


namaste Vikas bhaiya!
aapke huqm kee taamil karne ke liye haazir huN. poore thread par nazar paDee to Zidd saHeb ke misre
ghar aake dekho vo suukha jaamun jahaa pe tumne the jhule jhule
par aitraaz dekhaa. par mere khayaal se yeh misra bilkul theek aur rawaaN bhee. "ghar aake " meN haroof giraane kee ijaazat hai.

1. kinhee do lafzoN meN aisaa karne kee ijaazat hai, basharte rawaanee barkaraar rahe.
2. ek aur baat par dhyan diyaa ja sakta hai keh donoN lafzoN kaa combination (gharaake) se koee teesre lafz nah ban baiThe. jaise keh "ghar aane waale".. gharaane waale.... yahaaN gharaanah ek alag hee lafz hai jiskaa matlab hai khaan_daan. (yeh meraa apnaa sochnaa hai jo mehz mere mehdood tajrubeh kee ijaad hai. ho sakta hai yeh ghalat bhee hoN)

=================================================
aapkee ghazal achchhee koshish hai. kuchh misre wazn se khaarij hai so zidd saHeb unkee aur ishaaraa kar hee chuke hai. maine unheN bold meN kar diyaa hai.

iske alaavaa 2 baateN jis par kisee kaa dhyaan naheeN gayaa keh , matlaa shutur_gurbah kaa shikaar hai.

1.
भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले!

jab "teraa" kaa isktemaal huaa hai, to "gaye" aur radeef meN "bhoole" kahnaa ghalat hai. "bhoolaa" kee gunjaaish hai.

2. ghazal ke radeef kabhee singular hai to kabhee plural. jaise keh,
"kyoN leN"
"chhoo leN"

aakhiree sher meN yeh "phoole" (kyoNki "saaNs" singular hai) ho jaataa hai. so is radeef meN naheeN khaptaa.


maiN ghalat bhee ho saktaa huN magar nazr e saanee karne meN koee harj naheeN


khairandesh
Dheer

Shukriyaa dheer bhayee

मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले

isme aap bateynge ki jo na word hai.. uska wazn sahi hai ?.

aur gairoN

ka sahi wazan kya hoga

mujhe kisi dost ne kaha hai ki ye word galat wazn se use kiye hia
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5th July 2010, 03:11 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by janumanu View Post
Shukriyaa dheer bhayee

मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले

isme aap bateynge ki jo na word hai.. uska wazn sahi hai ?.

aur gairoN

ka sahi wazan kya hoga

mujhe kisi dost ne kaha hai ki ye word galat wazn se use kiye hia
"na" lafz kee apnee hee kahaanee hai. ustaad e fan kahte hai keh "na" ko "nah" (1 ke wazn par) likhiye aur ise "naa" (2 ke wazn par) likhne se parhez keejiye. magar is qaaide ko kaee baDe shaayroN ne follow naheeN kiyaa haiN. meree raa'i meN "nah" hee Thee rahegaa. aur is lehaaz se misra bewazn ho jaataa hai. par jab baDe shaairoN ne itnee flexibility le rakhee hai to , yeh bat maine aap par chhoRee ki aap kyaa chaahte haiN.

"ghairoN" kaa aam wazn 2,2 hai.

dua go
Dheer

Last edited by dheer; 5th July 2010 at 03:14 PM..
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Aadab - 5th July 2010, 08:20 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by janumanu View Post
KaL ZIDD bhayee ne ek ghzal sunaye jisme, meri mother tongue ka word aayaa , to socha mai bhi apne gaoN ko yaad kar luN ....

Isliye ek gaoN ki gori ki taraf se ek shahri baabu ke liye ghazal likhi hai

___


भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले
सूखा जामुन घर आके देखो कभी जिसपे तुमने थे डाले झूले

लिए तुम्हारे हूं दूर कोसों, हो मेरे लेकिन करीब इतने
जो आँख मून्दू तो तुमको देखूं, बढ़ाऊँ जो तो हाथ छूले

घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े
तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले

दो पल को भूलूँ तुम्हे अगर मैं, तो जाने कैसे रहूंगी ज़िंदा
मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले


bhala ho tera o jane-wale, gaye jahaaN se wo rastaa bhoole
sookha jamun ghar aake dekho kabhi jispe tumne they dale jhoole

liye tumhare hoon door kousoN, ho mere lekin kareeb itne
jo aankh moonduN to tumko dekhuN, badhau jo to haath chool le

ghade bhi tode kuyeN bhi chode, sath dariya ke rukh bhi mode
tumhi se bujhni hai pyaas apni, ahsaan gairoN ka hum bhi kuyn le

do pal ko bhooluN tumhe agar maiN, to jane kaise rahungi zinda

maiN ek pal hi jo naam na luN, to dekho kaise ye saans foole
Aadab manu ji,
kaise hai aap?

wah bohot khoob aapki yeh koshish kabile tariif hai,


khush rahiye apna khayal rakhiye
Allah Hafiz


Apki dost
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7th July 2010, 01:47 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by janumanu View Post
KaL ZIDD bhayee ne ek ghzal sunaye jisme, meri mother tongue ka word aayaa , to socha mai bhi apne gaoN ko yaad kar luN ....

Isliye ek gaoN ki gori ki taraf se ek shahri baabu ke liye ghazal likhi hai

___


भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले
सूखा जामुन घर आके देखो कभी जिसपे तुमने थे डाले झूले

लिए तुम्हारे हूं दूर कोसों, हो मेरे लेकिन करीब इतने
जो आँख मून्दू तो तुमको देखूं, बढ़ाऊँ जो तो हाथ छूले

घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े
तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले

दो पल को भूलूँ तुम्हे अगर मैं, तो जाने कैसे रहूंगी ज़िंदा
मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले


bhala ho tera o jane-wale, gaye jahaaN se wo rastaa bhoole
sookha jamun ghar aake dekho kabhi jispe tumne they dale jhoole

liye tumhare hoon door kousoN, ho mere lekin kareeb itne
jo aankh moonduN to tumko dekhuN, badhau jo to haath chool le

ghade bhi tode kuyeN bhi chode, sath dariya ke rukh bhi mode
tumhi se bujhni hai pyaas apni, ahsaan gairoN ka hum bhi kuyn le

do pal ko bhooluN tumhe agar maiN, to jane kaise rahungi zinda

maiN ek pal hi jo naam na luN, to dekho kaise ye saans foole

Janumanu Sahab aadab o tasleemat ,, Mizaj shareef ?

Bahoth Acha kahete ho app , Dad hazir hai .. apko paheli baar hi pad raha hon , Har sher se mai mahezoz howa ,, umda qayalon se labrez apki is taqleeq ke liye mubarakbaad ..

Ustad shora Janab zidd sahab ki di gayi tajwizen apke liye yaqeenan sodhmand Cabit hongi ,, tawajo den ..

Allah kare zore qalam aur ziyadah .. khush rahen hamesha ..


Qadim

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7th July 2010, 02:34 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by abdulqadeert View Post
Janumanu Sahab aadab o tasleemat ,, Mizaj shareef ?

Bahoth Acha kahete ho app , Dad hazir hai .. apko paheli baar hi pad raha hon , Har sher se mai mahezoz howa ,, umda qayalon se labrez apki is taqleeq ke liye mubarakbaad ..

Ustad shora Janab zidd sahab ki di gayi tajwizen apke liye yaqeenan sodhmand Cabit hongi ,, tawajo den ..

Allah kare zore qalam aur ziyadah .. khush rahen hamesha ..


Qadim

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qadeer bhayee

tum kaha se aye ho, ye zubaaN kaha se laye ho,...... aapke bolne(likhne) ka saleeeka , bahut bahut bhaa gaya, aap to mujhe is lahje mai gaali bhi deN ... bahut meethi lagegi

aapka shukriyaa ....
aur mai zid bhayee ki baatoN ko foolow kar raha huN, aur aapki islaahoN / salahoN ka bhi intzaar hai

shukriaya aapka
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8th July 2010, 01:50 AM

भला हो तेरा ओ जाने वाले, गये जहाँ से वो रस्ता भूले
सूखा जामुन घर आके देखो कभी जिसपे तुमने थे डाले झूले

लिए तुम्हारे हूं दूर कोसों, हो मेरे लेकिन करीब इतने
जो आँख मून्दू तो तुमको देखूं, बढ़ाऊँ जो तो हाथ छूले

घड़े भी तोड़े, कुएँ भी छोड़े, साथ दरिया के रुख़ भी मॉड़े
तुम्ही से बुझनी है प्यास अपनी, अहसान गैरो का हम भी क्यूँ ले

दो पल को भूलूँ तुम्हे अगर मैं, तो जाने कैसे रहूंगी ज़िंदा
मैं एक पल ही जो नाम ना लूँ, तो देखो कैसे ये साँस फूले
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janumanu
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9th July 2010, 12:49 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by KunaaL View Post
Jahan do ki jagah wahaaN ho... 8 aane lage to uska haal aapke jaisa ho jata hai chaand malik saahab ... all u need to have focus on something not everything .. jahan tak wazn ki baat hai aisa lag raha hai jabardasti thopa gaya hai ise wazn maiN .. isi liye words ka gathjod sahi nahi ho paaya .. jiksa jikra zidd bhai ne kiya hai ... isi liye mere sar ke uper se gayi baaki main ghalat ho sakta huN wo alag baat hai ...

Shukriyaa bhayee

lekin aap ye batayenge ki jkabardasti kaha joda gaya hai, iska matlab ki sentece mai hi gadbad hai, agar jarabdasti joda gaya hai

haan , wazan se nakis hai , ye maiN maanta huN ...

par do ki jagah wahaaN ho... 8 aaane lagane wali baat nahi samjh aayee

aur jo sar ke upar se gaya let me know, mai samjh dunga
halanki , tum mujhse jydaa samjhdaar ho
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