maikash saahab
aadaab
aap kii ghazal paDhii, bahut pasaNd aayii, mubaarakbaad qubuul ho. ek achha raNg liiye huey hai. jo baateiN maiN arz karnaa chaahtaa huN, wo kuchh yuN haiN...........
1
kambakht aaNkh ashk bahaatii hi rahegii
duniyaa mazaak meraa uRaatii hi rahegii
>................... achaa sher hai....... mazaak = mazaaq. kambakhat = kambaKht
2.
jab tak haiN phuul chaaNd sitaare jahaan meN
uss mehjabiiN ki yaad sataatii hi rahegii
mehjabiiN = chaaNd se chere vaala
>.............mahjabiiN = chaaNd se "maathey" waalaa.
ek aur achhaa sher hai..... bahut achhey. yuN hii rahaa nahiiN gayaa, is liiye ye kahnaa chaahtaa huN, ke phuul chaaNd sitaarey qaainaat kaa hissa to haiN, jahaan kaa hissaaaa....kahnaa kuchh khaTktaa hai. waise bhiii mahjabiiN(chaaNd jaise maathey waalii) kii yaad to aasmaan kii chiizoN ko dekh kar hii aanii chaahiye
wo chaaNd pas e abr chamktaa hii rahegaa.
us mahjabiiN kii yaad sataatii hii rahegii.
(ye sirf merii haqiir raai hai, ye aap kii koii Ghaltii nahiiN hai)
gham teraa jab tak meraa daaman na choDegaa
shabnam merii palkoN ko jalaatii hi rahegii
>..........achhaa sher hai magar...is sher meiN do baateiN haiN wo yeh ke pahley misrey meiN tak ko talak honaa chaahiiye (bahr ke lihaaz se) aur duusrey yeh ke, shabnam lafz kaa istemaal kuchh mujhey theek nahiiN lag rahaa..... kyuNkey sher meiN kahiiN raat kaa , chaaNd sitaaroN , subho waGheraa kaa ziqr nahiiN hai is liiye. aap koii aur lafz DhuuND liijiiyegaa.
teraa wajuud gairoN ki jaagiir hai , maanaa
lekin mere khaaboN meN tuu aatii hi rahegii
>.........bahut achaa hai, is meiN gairoN kii bajaai Ghair (note the spellings) hii bahut hai. aur khaab = Khaab
kuch to bataa ai bewafaa umiid mujhe tuu
kab tak mere dil ko tuu dukhaatii hi rahegii
>.........ek aur achhaa sher hai, lekin alfaaz ke inteKhaab meiN kuchh behtarii darkaar hai. "bewafaa" ummiid kuchh jamtaa nahiiN. aur "kuchh" bataaney kii bajaai "itnaa" to bataa kahiiye.
jab tak hai kalam haaTh meN "maikasH" ke ai jaana
ghazal , terii tasveer banaatii hi rahegii
>.........sher kaa bunyaadii Khyaal achha hai lekin duusraa misraa bahr meiN nahiiN hai. lafz tasviir kii bajaai agar kuchh fasaanaa sunaatii rahegii waGheraa kaa istemaal kar ke dekhiiye. kalam = qalam.
ummiid hai merii haqiir sii raai aap ke kisii kaam aayegii.
Feroz