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duniyaa mazaak meraa uRaatii hi rahegii |
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(#1)
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Birha Tu Sultan
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Posts: 1,810
Join Date: Aug 2001
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duniyaa mazaak meraa uRaatii hi rahegii -
6th February 2002, 09:56 AM
Aadaab dosto....
ek nayi ghazal pesh-e-khidmaT hai....apnii salaah zaruur deN... kambakht aaNkh ashk bahaatii hi rahegii duniyaa mazaak meraa uRaatii hi rahegii jab tak haiN phuul chaaNd sitaare jahaan meN uss mehjabiiN ki yaad sataatii hi rahegii mehjabiiN = chaaNd se chere vaala gham teraa jab tak meraa daaman na choDegaa shabnam merii palkoN ko jalaatii hi rahegii teraa wajuud gairoN ki jaagiir hai , maanaa lekin mere khaaboN meN tuu aatii hi rahegii kuch to bataa ai bewafaa umiid mujhe tuu kab tak mere dil ko tuu dukhaatii hi rahegii jab tak hai kalam haaTh meN "maikasH" ke ai jaana ghazal , terii tasveer banaatii hi rahegii maikasH is tarhe teri yaad meiN har shaam dhaley hai goyaa koyi nagin si kalejey pe chaley hai maikash ............................... |
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aadab |
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(#2)
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Registered User
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Location: Canada
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aadab -
8th February 2002, 03:29 PM
aadab maikash,
muje kuch hi din hue hai shayri.com se jude hue....lekin tum sab ne ise itna accha bana kar rakha hai....very nice job pehle mai kahi bhi kahi bhi kuch bhi likhta rehta tha....sabko accha lagta tha.....lekin shayad muje kuch technical aspects sikhne hai..... will u teach me please??? see i write on shayri down....just try to correct it on ur wish.... ok i wrote this when i was chatting with one of my close frnd on msn...she was very tired with work and told me that she wanna sleep a lot and i wrote this one for her.... "so ja is tara ki zindagi ajnabi ban jaaye...teri khushiya tere gam ko tere sapno be boon is tarah ki phir kabhi na uthne ki tamanna rahe" people like this and appreciate...but i think theres some missing... thanks tanhadil |
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(#3)
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Registered User
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Posts: 403
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
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8th February 2002, 06:05 PM
MaikasHji,
Janab aapko ham kya salah dey saktey hai-Aap tu yeh field mai expert ho- aur yeh ghazal aapki likhi huyee one of the best ghazal hai- Mai khud likhtey huwey ghabra raha hun, kyoonkey mujhey patta hai key mai sahee likhney nahin paata. Lekin mai aapki aur dusrey doston ki ghazals aur shayari padhney mai bahot interest rakhta hun. Please keep writing!! teraa wajuud gairoN ki jaagiir hai , maanaa lekin mere khaaboN meN tuu aatii hi rahegii kuch to bataa ai bewafaa umiid mujhe tuu kab tak mere dil ko tuu dukhaatii hi rahegii Wah! Rajan |
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kambakht aaNkh ashk bahaatii hi rahegii |
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(#4)
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None
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Posts: 88
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Canada
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kambakht aaNkh ashk bahaatii hi rahegii -
9th February 2002, 09:21 AM
maikash saahab
aadaab aap kii ghazal paDhii, bahut pasaNd aayii, mubaarakbaad qubuul ho. ek achha raNg liiye huey hai. jo baateiN maiN arz karnaa chaahtaa huN, wo kuchh yuN haiN........... 1 kambakht aaNkh ashk bahaatii hi rahegii duniyaa mazaak meraa uRaatii hi rahegii >................... achaa sher hai....... mazaak = mazaaq. kambakhat = kambaKht 2. jab tak haiN phuul chaaNd sitaare jahaan meN uss mehjabiiN ki yaad sataatii hi rahegii mehjabiiN = chaaNd se chere vaala >.............mahjabiiN = chaaNd se "maathey" waalaa. ek aur achhaa sher hai..... bahut achhey. yuN hii rahaa nahiiN gayaa, is liiye ye kahnaa chaahtaa huN, ke phuul chaaNd sitaarey qaainaat kaa hissa to haiN, jahaan kaa hissaaaa....kahnaa kuchh khaTktaa hai. waise bhiii mahjabiiN(chaaNd jaise maathey waalii) kii yaad to aasmaan kii chiizoN ko dekh kar hii aanii chaahiye wo chaaNd pas e abr chamktaa hii rahegaa. us mahjabiiN kii yaad sataatii hii rahegii. (ye sirf merii haqiir raai hai, ye aap kii koii Ghaltii nahiiN hai)  gham teraa jab tak meraa daaman na choDegaa shabnam merii palkoN ko jalaatii hi rahegii >..........achhaa sher hai magar...is sher meiN do baateiN haiN wo yeh ke pahley misrey meiN tak ko talak honaa chaahiiye (bahr ke lihaaz se) aur duusrey yeh ke, shabnam lafz kaa istemaal kuchh mujhey theek nahiiN lag rahaa..... kyuNkey sher meiN kahiiN raat kaa , chaaNd sitaaroN , subho waGheraa kaa ziqr nahiiN hai is liiye. aap koii aur lafz DhuuND liijiiyegaa. teraa wajuud gairoN ki jaagiir hai , maanaa lekin mere khaaboN meN tuu aatii hi rahegii >.........bahut achaa hai, is meiN gairoN kii bajaai Ghair (note the spellings) hii bahut hai. aur khaab = Khaab kuch to bataa ai bewafaa umiid mujhe tuu kab tak mere dil ko tuu dukhaatii hi rahegii >.........ek aur achhaa sher hai, lekin alfaaz ke inteKhaab meiN kuchh behtarii darkaar hai. "bewafaa" ummiid kuchh jamtaa nahiiN. aur "kuchh" bataaney kii bajaai "itnaa" to bataa kahiiye. jab tak hai kalam haaTh meN "maikasH" ke ai jaana ghazal , terii tasveer banaatii hi rahegii >.........sher kaa bunyaadii Khyaal achha hai lekin duusraa misraa bahr meiN nahiiN hai. lafz tasviir kii bajaai agar kuchh fasaanaa sunaatii rahegii waGheraa kaa istemaal kar ke dekhiiye. kalam = qalam. ummiid hai merii haqiir sii raai aap ke kisii kaam aayegii. Feroz |
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