Shayri.com  

Go Back   Shayri.com > Shayri > Aapki Shayri

Reply
 
Thread Tools Rate Thread Display Modes
Meri Pahli Ghazal (Need suggestions)
Old
  (#1)
prasad.kulkarni
Bangalore
prasad.kulkarni will become famous soon enoughprasad.kulkarni will become famous soon enough
 
prasad.kulkarni's Avatar
 
Offline
Posts: 76
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Bangalore
Rep Power: 18
Meri Pahli Ghazal (Need suggestions) - 26th July 2008, 03:39 PM

I have written five Ghazals and this is the first one which I wrote in 2004. Meri iss Ghazal ko sirf kuchh aziiz dosto.N ne hi paDhi hai. Urdu to mai.N ne kisi se siiKhi nahi.N aur phir South India me.N Urdu siKhaanewaale milte bhi nahi.N hain. Ghazalo.N ko sun ne ki meri baDi aadat hai aur wohi aadat ne mujhe thoDi Urdu siiKhaa di hai.

To aaj aapkiliye arz kartaa huun apani pahli Ghazal..

kisii husn parii kaa aNdeKhaa sapanaa huuN
dil me.N rah ke naa jaagii woh tamannaa huu.N


un surKh laboN talaq jab le ga_ii thii kismat
chhuune se pahale TuuT gayaa woh paimaanaa huu.N


jis Ghar se ho ke rusawaa nikale ka_ii yaar
uss Ghar kaa mai.N nayaa mahmaan huu.N


GhamoN ke kaale baadal kitane ubhar aaye
baaho.N me.N leke bhii naa barasaa woh aasamaan huu.N


unke gesu_oN se jo Khuub Khelatii rahii
uss sabaa ki shoKhiyo.N se badgumaan huu.N


waqt ne jise kabhii ban ne nahii.N diyaa (Asir)
uss adhuurii kahaanii kaa aNjaam huu.N


I used a pen name 'asir-e-chashm' meaning 'prisoned in eyes', and shortened to 'Asir' which I used to include in the last verse of my Ghazals as is the custom. Later, I dropped it thinking a pen name would not be necessary when the number of Ghazals I have written is just five.

To aap mujhe bataa_iye aapko meri ye Ghazal kaisi lagi aur ye bhi zaruur bataa_iye ke Urdu ke hisaab se iss me.N kitani Ghalatiyaa.N hain jinko aur unko kaise Thiik kiyaa jaa saktaa hai.

Shukriya
Prasad (Asir)


aaKhirii hichaki tere zaanoN pe aaye
maut bhi maiN shaayraana chaahtaa huuN
-Qateel Shifai
   
Reply With Quote
Old
  (#2)
Mayank
Registered User
Mayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.com
 
Mayank's Avatar
 
Offline
Posts: 4,715
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Khariar, Odisha
Rep Power: 0
27th July 2008, 11:45 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by prasad.kulkarni View Post
I have written five Ghazals and this is the first one which I wrote in 2004. Meri iss Ghazal ko sirf kuchh aziiz dosto.N ne hi paDhi hai. Urdu to mai.N ne kisi se siiKhi nahi.N aur phir South India me.N Urdu siKhaanewaale milte bhi nahi.N hain. Ghazalo.N ko sun ne ki meri baDi aadat hai aur wohi aadat ne mujhe thoDi Urdu siiKhaa di hai.

To aaj aapkiliye arz kartaa huun apani pahli Ghazal..

kisii husn parii kaa aNdeKhaa sapanaa huuN
dil me.N rah ke naa jaagii woh tamannaa huu.N


un surKh laboN talaq jab le ga_ii thii kismat
chhuune se pahale TuuT gayaa woh paimaanaa huu.N


jis Ghar se ho ke rusawaa nikale ka_ii yaar
uss Ghar kaa mai.N nayaa mahmaan huu.N


GhamoN ke kaale baadal kitane ubhar aaye
baaho.N me.N leke bhii naa barasaa woh aasamaan huu.N


unke gesu_oN se jo Khuub Khelatii rahii
uss sabaa ki shoKhiyo.N se badgumaan huu.N


waqt ne jise kabhii ban ne nahii.N diyaa (Asir)
uss adhuurii kahaanii kaa aNjaam huu.N


I used a pen name 'asir-e-chashm' meaning 'prisoned in eyes', and shortened to 'Asir' which I used to include in the last verse of my Ghazals as is the custom. Later, I dropped it thinking a pen name would not be necessary when the number of Ghazals I have written is just five.

To aap mujhe bataa_iye aapko meri ye Ghazal kaisi lagi aur ye bhi zaruur bataa_iye ke Urdu ke hisaab se iss me.N kitani Ghalatiyaa.N hain jinko aur unko kaise Thiik kiyaa jaa saktaa hai.

Shukriya
Prasad (Asir)

Prasad jee:

Namaste:

aap ki is Ghazal par nazar paDi...PaDh kar khushii huii kii aap apnii Ghazal ki Ghaltiyaa.n jaan,na chaahte hai.n aur usay sudhaarna chaahte hai.n.. par is me.n abhi bohat si khaamiyaa.n hai.n, mai.n aap ko ek link de raha huu.n.

http://www.shayri.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2125

aap yeh thread paDhenge to aap ko Ghazal ke kuchh technical pehlu samjh me.n aaye.nge.. aap un ko paDhiye aur apnii Ghazal par khaamiyo.n ko khud DhunDhane ki koshish keejiye.. aur Ghazal par dubaara mehnat keejiye.. aap ki koshish zaruur ra.ng laayegii...

Mayank
  Send a message via MSN to Mayank  
Reply With Quote
Old
  (#3)
prashant vasl
Registered User
prashant vasl is a splendid one to beholdprashant vasl is a splendid one to beholdprashant vasl is a splendid one to beholdprashant vasl is a splendid one to beholdprashant vasl is a splendid one to beholdprashant vasl is a splendid one to behold
 
Offline
Posts: 333
Join Date: May 2008
Location: mumbai(maharashtra)
Rep Power: 23
23rd October 2008, 04:56 PM

Dear Friend
I read your 'gazal attempt'after going through your feelings and the first thing that I want to suggest is that..forget about knowing hindi or urdu.now a days,even a muslim is not properly aware of the 'urdu'the way a hindu is unaware of proper and ;right hindi'.write a gazl or any other other kind of poetry from heart and in language that's easily understandable...because if U have to keep educating readers about the meaning of the 'true purpose'of writig is defeated..ie 'touching one's heart'.hope u r not writing to flaunt ur 'knowledge of words'.we talk in hindustani lingo that's a mix of hindi,urdu and even english..so be normal first..and what 'custom;u talk about.!!u appear to be young,dynamic man and it is expected of U to follow only one custom..'loving people around and doing deeds good to nation.'
abt ur gazal:u have expression but clarity is required.i will get connected to u again.for now..bye.think!!!!
PRASHANT VASL
(know more abt me from ny blog PRASHANT VASL BLOG on yahoo 360
or my latest compilation of shayri LAUT-TE-HUYE available at CROSSWORD and other stores)

Quote:
Originally Posted by prasad.kulkarni View Post
I have written five Ghazals and this is the first one which I wrote in 2004. Meri iss Ghazal ko sirf kuchh aziiz dosto.N ne hi paDhi hai. Urdu to mai.N ne kisi se siiKhi nahi.N aur phir South India me.N Urdu siKhaanewaale milte bhi nahi.N hain. Ghazalo.N ko sun ne ki meri baDi aadat hai aur wohi aadat ne mujhe thoDi Urdu siiKhaa di hai.

To aaj aapkiliye arz kartaa huun apani pahli Ghazal..

kisii husn parii kaa aNdeKhaa sapanaa huuN
dil me.N rah ke naa jaagii woh tamannaa huu.N

un surKh laboN talaq jab le ga_ii thii kismat
chhuune se pahale TuuT gayaa woh paimaanaa huu.N

jis Ghar se ho ke rusawaa nikale ka_ii yaar
uss Ghar kaa mai.N nayaa mahmaan huu.N

GhamoN ke kaale baadal kitane ubhar aaye
baaho.N me.N leke bhii naa barasaa woh aasamaan huu.N

unke gesu_oN se jo Khuub Khelatii rahii
uss sabaa ki shoKhiyo.N se badgumaan huu.N

waqt ne jise kabhii ban ne nahii.N diyaa (Asir)
uss adhuurii kahaanii kaa aNjaam huu.N

I used a pen name 'asir-e-chashm' meaning 'prisoned in eyes', and shortened to 'Asir' which I used to include in the last verse of my Ghazals as is the custom. Later, I dropped it thinking a pen name would not be necessary when the number of Ghazals I have written is just five.

To aap mujhe bataa_iye aapko meri ye Ghazal kaisi lagi aur ye bhi zaruur bataa_iye ke Urdu ke hisaab se iss me.N kitani Ghalatiyaa.N hain jinko aur unko kaise Thiik kiyaa jaa saktaa hai.

Shukriya
Prasad (Asir)
   
Reply With Quote
Old
  (#4)
astrokinghyd
Registered User
astrokinghyd will become famous soon enoughastrokinghyd will become famous soon enough
 
astrokinghyd's Avatar
 
Offline
Posts: 46
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Hyderabad
Rep Power: 0
23rd October 2008, 06:40 PM

Prasad Saheb,
Bahot achcha likha hai. Asaach prayatna kareet rahaa. Zaroor tumcha likhaan ujaloon nighel.

Bye
Satish Kingi


Satish Kingi
"Irshaad-irshaad-bahot khoob" ka silsilaa "Satish" chaltaa rahey,
Aap hausla afzaaii karey, junoon-e-ishq hamaaraa barkaraa rahey
   
Reply With Quote
Old
  (#5)
vivekpohre
Registered User
vivekpohre is a jewel in the roughvivekpohre is a jewel in the roughvivekpohre is a jewel in the rough
 
Offline
Posts: 78
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Bangalore (India)
Rep Power: 24
27th October 2008, 01:24 PM

I am sorry to say that you need to work on the meter or what we call as chhand in hindi or marathi.
There should be a specific rythm in each line which should be matched either with the starting line or the alternate lines.
Just go on reading ghazals and with the same tempo as the shayars read. One find day you will find yourself the right path.
Congrats for invoking yourself
Regards
-Vivek Pohre


Zehen me unke har sawal ka jawab hota hai
Jab nahi hota koi jawab to wo HMMMM kehte hain
  Send a message via Yahoo to vivekpohre Send a message via AIM to vivekpohre  
Reply With Quote
For u!
Old
  (#6)
zafaraalamkhan
Registered User
zafaraalamkhan is on a distinguished road
 
zafaraalamkhan's Avatar
 
Offline
Posts: 10
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Bangalore
Rep Power: 0
Smile For u! - 27th November 2008, 02:36 AM

Badlo Na Apne Aap Ko, Jo ho Wahi Raho,
Milte Raho Sabhi Se Magar Ajnabi Raho…!
Duniya Na Jeet Pao Toh Haro Na Khud Ko Tum,
Thodi Bahut Toh Zehan Mein Naraazgi Rakho…!
Apni Tarah Sabhi Ko Kisi Ki Talaash hai,
Tum Jiske Bhi Qarib Raho Door Hi Raho…!

Yeh tumhare liye PRASAD...!

Quote:
Originally Posted by prasad.kulkarni View Post
I have written five Ghazals and this is the first one which I wrote in 2004. Meri iss Ghazal ko sirf kuchh aziiz dosto.N ne hi paDhi hai. Urdu to mai.N ne kisi se siiKhi nahi.N aur phir South India me.N Urdu siKhaanewaale milte bhi nahi.N hain. Ghazalo.N ko sun ne ki meri baDi aadat hai aur wohi aadat ne mujhe thoDi Urdu siiKhaa di hai.

To aaj aapkiliye arz kartaa huun apani pahli Ghazal..

kisii husn parii kaa aNdeKhaa sapanaa huuN
dil me.N rah ke naa jaagii woh tamannaa huu.N


un surKh laboN talaq jab le ga_ii thii kismat
chhuune se pahale TuuT gayaa woh paimaanaa huu.N


jis Ghar se ho ke rusawaa nikale ka_ii yaar
uss Ghar kaa mai.N nayaa mahmaan huu.N


GhamoN ke kaale baadal kitane ubhar aaye
baaho.N me.N leke bhii naa barasaa woh aasamaan huu.N


unke gesu_oN se jo Khuub Khelatii rahii
uss sabaa ki shoKhiyo.N se badgumaan huu.N


waqt ne jise kabhii ban ne nahii.N diyaa (Asir)
uss adhuurii kahaanii kaa aNjaam huu.N


I used a pen name 'asir-e-chashm' meaning 'prisoned in eyes', and shortened to 'Asir' which I used to include in the last verse of my Ghazals as is the custom. Later, I dropped it thinking a pen name would not be necessary when the number of Ghazals I have written is just five.

To aap mujhe bataa_iye aapko meri ye Ghazal kaisi lagi aur ye bhi zaruur bataa_iye ke Urdu ke hisaab se iss me.N kitani Ghalatiyaa.N hain jinko aur unko kaise Thiik kiyaa jaa saktaa hai.

Shukriya
Prasad (Asir)
  Send a message via Yahoo to zafaraalamkhan Send a message via AIM to zafaraalamkhan  
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Problems & suggestions. Mayank Chit-Chat & General Discussion Forum 17 12th September 2007 11:15 AM
Pahli Baar Ye Pyaar Dhruv_jain77 Shayri-e-Ishq 2 3rd January 2006 01:16 PM
meri pahli rachana sushil_sagar Shayri-e-Mashahoor Shayar 4 11th February 2004 05:18 PM
Some suggestions.. Afshan Feedback and Suggestions 0 5th May 2003 03:16 PM
Pahli Mohabat Ki Pahli Khata Kar Raha Hun aftab_killar Shayri-e-Dard 0 22nd April 2002 04:08 PM



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com