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ZIndagi |
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(#1)
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Shayar
  
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ZIndagi -
5th April 2002, 12:56 AM
Doston ko adaab. zindagi ke mutallique apne tassuraat is nazm ki shakl mein pesh-e-khidmat hain.
------------------------------------------------------------------------- zindagi chand lamhon ko ro hans ke bitaana hi nahin hai zindagi chand khwabon ka dil se bhulana bhi nahin hai chand rahon pe magar khamosh tanha chalte huve zindagi sirf ek umr jiye jaana bhi nahin hai jab talak koi fareb kabhi khaya hi na ho dil kabhi dard ke dariya mein nahya hi na ho apna har chain kisi gham mein gavaya hi na ho khud ko deewna sare aam banaya hi na ho zindagi ek fasana hai tab talak lekin zindagi sirf koi aisa fasana bhi nahin hai shama-e-dil yun to jala hi karti hai koi aandhi kabhi bujha bhi deti hai chandni ho yeh zaroori to nahin itna roshni yun to sitaron ki bahut hoti hai gar yeh insani mohabbat ho jaye dushwar jahan mein zindagi chand khmosh buton ki ibadat bhi nahin hai sirf aasan hi nahin zindagi dushwar bhi hai is mein sahil hi nahin majhdhar bhi hai sambhal-sambahl ke rakhna kadam yahan rah purkham hi nahi purkhar bhi hai chashm-e-nam se kabhi ashk na rukh pe aaye zingai kyunke mahaz ashk bahana bhi nahin hai zinda rehne ko bahut hote hain kuch jhoote bharam bhi dil khush karne ko kafi hain patthar ke sanam bhi zakhm khud ban jaate hain kai baar marham bhi ke ummeedon mein guzarte hain kabhi saal-o-janam bhi yeh mana zindagi khushiyon ki muntazir hai PRAVEEN zindagi unse milegi yeh thikana bhi nahin hai Praveen Saxena New Delhi, India |
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kya kehne....!! |
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(#2)
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Birha Tu Sultan
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kya kehne....!! -
1st May 2002, 06:12 AM
praveen sahab
aadaab aapke huqm ke mutaabiq haazir huuN....... pehle to ek umdaa nazm kehne par khaaksaar ki mubarakbaad kabuul kijiye.... nazm padhii .....baDaa hi lutf aaya kahiiN-kahiiN paDhne meiN "zaraa si" dushwaari huii......iss dafaa do-ek misroN ke mutalliq kuch arz karna chata huuN...mulaiiza kijiye "jab talak koi fareb kabhi khaya hi na ho dil kabhi dard ke dariya mein nahya hi na ho apna har chain kisi gham mein gavaya hi na ho khud ko deewna sare aam banaya hi na ho" pehle misrey meiN lafz "fareb" aur "kabhi" ke darmiyaaN wazan ka maslaa hai.....(faqat mere khayaal se) .....radiif ko bhi agar zaraa sa tabdiil kiya jaye to kaisa rahega...?...ye suurat mulaiizaa kijiye jab tak, koii dhokha kabhii khayaa bhi nahiiN ho dil dard ke dariyaa meiN nahayaa bhi nahiiN ho sabar-o-qaraar Gham meiN gaNwayaa bhi nahiiN ho diiwaanaa khud ko sar-e-aam banayaa bhi nahiiN ho qafiya "aayaa" ke saath "nahiiN ho" jaisi tarqiib aaj-kal aam-taur pe nahiiN bartii jaati....lekin gar aap ustaadoN ki shayri pe nazr daaleN to ye tarqiib aapko aam milegi.....phir bhi agar aapko lage ki mera nazariyaa wajeeh nahiiN hai to khabar kijiyega.......!! philhaal ke liye itna hi kahuNgaa.....aapke jawaab ka iNtezaar rahega.......aapki ijaazat ka talabgaar huuN......agli dafaa puuri nazm pe apne taassuraat pesh karne ki gustaakhi karuNgaa Ghaaliban aapko meri koi baat buri lage isliye ziyada kuch nahiiN kaha kuch Ghalat kaha gaya ho muaaf kiijiyega.......aage sab aapke mijaaz par munhasir hai...aapse jaan-pehchaan ho jaye...phir qadran aasaani hogi...!! aadaab maikasH is tarhe teri yaad meiN har shaam dhaley hai goyaa koyi nagin si kalejey pe chaley hai maikash ............................... |
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Re: kya kehne....!! |
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(#3)
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Shayar
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Re: kya kehne....!! -
1st May 2002, 07:09 PM
maikasH sahab
aadaab Sabse pehle to aapka shuriya adaa karna choonga ke aapne waqt nikal kar is nazm par apne tassuraat rakhe. Mera yaqeen maniye ke bande ko aapke khyalaat o tassuraat par kisi baat ka aitraz nahin hai. Aur na hi koi aisi baat hai jo nagavar guzre. Ye nazm meine kaafi arsa pehle likhi thii(takriibaN 7-8 saal pehle) aur tab bhi mujhe ye ehsaas tha ke ismein kahin kuchh kami hai. Kai baar meiN khud bhi isse lekar baitha par koi khas kaamyabi haath nahiN lagi. Jab ye site dekhi to socha yahan ke shora ke tassurat meri madad kareinge. Kafi arse ke intezaar ke baad aapke khayalat naseeb huve. Ye nazm mujhe bahut hi aziiz hai aur mein yehi chahta tha ke kisi tarah iski techniclal khamiyoN ko duur kar looN. Meri guzarish hai ke puuri nazm par apne tassurat deiN. KyuNke jab bhi meiN isse thiik karne baitha hooN, hamesh atka hooN. Isliye aap apni baat yahaN na rokeN usse poora kareiN. MeiN muntazir rahoonga. Aur ek aur baat jisse mein mutassir hua hooN wo hai apni baat kehne ka aapka andaz. Ekdum aapke kalam ki tarah. khoobsoorat. Isi forum mein aur Ghazal section mein ek-ek ghazal aur hai jis pe aapke tassurat ke muntazir hooN. ummed hai aap jald hi aapne khayalaat se nawazeNge. Phir se bahut shukriya aur duaon ke saath. Inshaallah ab aapse kalaam yuN hi jari rahega issii ummeed ke saath. aadaab Praveen |
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(#4)
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Birha Tu Sultan
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2nd May 2002, 09:04 AM
mohtarim praveen sahab
aadaab kabool farmayieN aapko khaadim ki koi bhi baat na-gawaar nahiiN guzri ye sun kar dil'i aur zehnii dono qisam ka sukuuN milaa.... aapki baaqii kaavisheN bhi paDhii haiN aur yaqiin kijiye behad pasaNd bhi aayiiN.......saaf zaahir hota hai ki aap Ghazal kehne ki rivaayatoN se b'khoobi waaqif haiN nazm ki bahar mere liye aksar dushwaari ka ba'is rahi hai....isiliye maine aaj tak faqat Ghazal meiN hi tukbaNdii ke hathkaNde aazmaaye haiN....phir bhi apne ilm ke hisaab se maiN koshish zaroor karuuNga...aur agar baat na bani to maiN apne ustaad "feroz sahab" se sifaarish karuuNga ki aapke qalaam pe nazar daaleN.....unhi ke dam se maiN aaj iss qaabil huaa huuN ke bahar ki khaamiiyoN nazar ki pakaD meiN aa jaati haiN..... chaliye aapki nazm par aate haiN.... jo bahar aapni chunii hai woh itefaqan meri psaNdiidaa bahar hai...jise "Hazaj Akhrab Makfuuf Mahzuuf" ke naam se jaana jaata hai......aur isi bahar ko le kar in dinoN maiN apni aik Ghazal muqammal karne ki kash-ma-kash meiN huuN...lijiye matlaa suniye :- daaman terii yaadoN se chuRaayaa nahiiN maine ai jaan-e-Ghazal tujhko bhulaayaa nahiiN maine baharhaal.....aapki nazm ka pehla baNd :- zindagi chand lamhon ko ro hans ke bitaana hi nahin hai zindagi chand khwabon ka dil se bhulana bhi nahin hai chand rahon pe magar khamosh tanha chalte huve zindagi sirf ek umr jiye jaana bhi nahin hai pehli baat....mere hisaab se lafz "zindagi" aur "chaNd" ka har misre meiN istemaal munaasib nahiiN hai.....doosri zaroori baat, nazm meN ek misra ka doosre se rabtaa hona iNtehaii laazimi hai...ise yuuN keh kar dekhiye...maiN faqat bahar ke lihaaz se koshish kar raha huuN.....khayaal aapke haiN to aapki tavvazo darkaar hai....mulaiiza farmayeN zindagi ko haNs ke ro-ke bitaana hi nahiiN hai ya chaNd khwaab dil se mitaanaa hi nahiiN hai maana ye rehguzar hai lambii par mere yaaro zindagi ko jiye bas jiye jaanaa hi nahiiN hai teesre misre se maiN mutmayin nahiiN huuN .... tamaam koshishoN ke ba'wajood mushkil hal na hui to jo zehan meN aaya maine darj kar diya.....!! agar ismeiN aapko kuch pukhtagi nazr aaye to istemaal kar lijiyega.....vagarna aapka zor-e-qalam to hai hi...... agle qitey par kal baat kareNgey......behtar hoga agar is par silsileyvaar behas ki jaye.....iss se hameiN bhi kuch seekhne ko milega.....apne vaade ke mutaabiq maiN janaab feroz sahab se zaroor darkhuvaast karuuNga ki woh apni islaah deN aadaab maikasH is tarhe teri yaad meiN har shaam dhaley hai goyaa koyi nagin si kalejey pe chaley hai maikash ............................... |
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Shukriya |
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(#5)
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Shayar
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Location: New Delhi, India
Rep Power: 29
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Shukriya -
7th May 2002, 11:26 PM
Janab Maikash saheb
aadaab qubool farmayieN Muafi chahoonga ke is silsilewar baatcheet ke beech kaam ke mutalliq meri masrufiyaat aa gayi thiiN. Jis tarah aap nazm ke bundoN ki tarkqeeb sujha rahe hain us sey lagta hai ke shaayad ye nazm is dauran muqammal ho jaye. JahaN tak mere kuch kehne ka sawal hai to meiN chahoonga ke pehle aap tamam nazm par aapni rai farmayeN uske baad meiN kuch kahooN. Iske peechey mera sochna ye hai ke iskey mutalliq aapka sisila-e-khayal bana rahe. Isliye meri guzarish hai ke aap apney qeemti waqt mein se jab bhi chand lamhat nikal sakeiN apne mukammal tassurat se nawaziN. Saath hi aapka behud shukriya ada karna chahoonga ke aapne in ashaar ke liye waqt diya. Aur ye ummed karoonga ke aap yuNhi meri doosri posts ko apne khayalaat o tassurat se nawazte rahenge. Saath hi ye bhi ummeed hai ke is behr par jis ghazal ko mukammal karney meiN aap lagey haiN jald hi hameiN prhney ko milegi. aadaab Praveen. manziloN ne sun liya toh aur woh badh jaayeNgi |
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Intezaar aur kitna janab |
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(#6)
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Shayar
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Location: New Delhi, India
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Intezaar aur kitna janab -
29th May 2002, 12:31 AM
janab maikash sahab
kafi arsa ho gaya nazm par aapne mazeed tassurat nahin bheje. kya feroz sahab ne us par kuch likha. Aapki do nayee ghazlein meine padh to li hain par kaam ki masrufiyat ne itmenan se baithne ka mauqa nahi diya. banada jald hi apne khyalat aur ek naye kavish lekar haazir hoga. muntazir Praveen Saxena manziloN ne sun liya toh aur woh badh jaayeNgi |
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(#7)
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Birha Tu Sultan
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Posts: 1,810
Join Date: Aug 2001
Rep Power: 10
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3rd June 2002, 03:28 PM
Praveen sahab
aadaab ummiid hai ke khairiiyat se hoNge aapne shikayat ki hai ke khaaksaar ne apna vaada nahiiN nibhaaya.....aur aapki shikayat kisi hadd tak jayi'z bhi hai....lekin mujhe laga ke aap in dinoN balaa-e-masroofiyat ke shikaar haiN to socha jab aapko fursat hogi to ye silsila phir se jaari kareNgey.... aapka jawaab paDhe kuch roz ho gaye lekin yaqiin kijiye haalaat kuch is tarah ke the ki haaziri na de paaya....kya kijiye janaab umr ke saath-saath sehat ki dushwaariiyaN bhi zor pakaD rahi haiN.......baharhaal der'ii ke liye muaaf kijiyega..... agli kaDii meiN aata hai ye qitaa.... zindagi ek fasana hai tab talak lekin zindagi sirf koi aisa fasana bhi nahin hai ab aap issey meri nalayiquii keh lijiye ke aap iss she'r meiN kya kehna chahte haiN ye meri samajh meiN nahiiN aaya......agar aap ye kehna chahte haiN ke...zindagi tab talak ek fasana hai lekin faqat fasana bhi nahiiN hai...phir bhi , she'r ka mafhuum saaf nazar nahiiN aata.....doosre is qite ka maiN iss se upar darj baNd ke saath koi taa'luq dhuuNDne meiN bhi naakaam raha......lihaaza...agar aap ye qita dobaraa kaheN to behtar hai shama-e-dil yun to jala hi karti hai koi aandhi kabhi bujha bhi deti hai chandni ho yeh zaroori to nahin itna roshni yun to sitaron ki bahut hoti hai is baNd ke pehle do misre bhi aapki tavvazo ke liye choDey deta huuN ....aakhiri do misre yuuN keh kar dekhiye :- rehnuma ho chaNdnii ye zaroori to nahiiN hai raushnii yuuN bhii sitaaroN kii bohat hoti hai agar maii'ne ko khaatir meiN laya jaye to lafz-e-"rehnumaa" se kam-az-kam itna to saaf hua hi ki rastaa dekhne dene ke liye faqat chaNdnii ki talab ghair-zaroori hai, jiska chalne ka iraadaa ho woh sitaaroN ki raushnii meiN bhi chal sake hai aadaab maikasH is tarhe teri yaad meiN har shaam dhaley hai goyaa koyi nagin si kalejey pe chaley hai maikash ............................... |
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very nice ! |
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(#8)
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Registered User
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Location: US
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very nice ! -
12th June 2002, 10:05 PM
Quote:
- Mahek - ye zamIn chAnd se behatar nazar AtI hai hamein surkh phUlon se MAHEK uThatI hain dil kI rAhen din Dhale yUN terI AvAz bulAtI hai hamein ---------------------------------------------- taeray Gham ki KhuShbu say jism-o-jaaN MAHEK uTThay saaNs ki havaa jab bhi Choo kay maeray lab guzri aek saath reh kay bhi, door hi rahay ham bhi dhoop aur Chaa'ooN ki dosti ajab guzri |
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Shukria aapka |
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(#9)
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Shayar
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Location: New Delhi, India
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Shukria aapka -
13th June 2002, 08:51 PM
Mahek Sahiba
Is nazm par aapke khayalat jaankar bahut achcha mehsoos hua. Halanke ye ek meri ek behud purani nazm hai aur mujhe bahut hi aziiz hai. Aapki daad ka bahut shukria. Aur jis andaaz mein aapne daad di hai wo bhi masha allah khoob hai. Is nazm mein kuch kami hai kahin, jise jaante hue bhi meiN poora nahiN kar payaa. Isiliye is forum par isi se shuruaat ki. Aur doston ke khayalaat ne mujhe shayad us block se nikaal liya hai. Umeed karta hoon ke iski kamiyon ko sudhaar kar ye nazm jald hi phir se aap logon ke saamne rakh paonga. Mere chand aur kalam is forum aur ghazal section mein maujood haiN. Ho sakey to apne tassurat batayeN. phir bahut shukria Praveen manziloN ne sun liya toh aur woh badh jaayeNgi |
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(#10)
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Moderator
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Chandigarh (Mohali)
Rep Power: 63
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31st December 2015, 03:14 PM
Quote:
wahhhhhhhh kya khoobsurat ehsaas haiN, Praveen ji....aapki es nazm ko aaj arse baad pada maine...accha lga padkar. regards  .....Sunita Thakur..... यह कह कर मेरा दुश्मन मुझे हँसते हुए छोड़ गया ....के तेरे अपने ही बहुत हैं तुझे रुलाने के लिए... 
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(#11)
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Moderator
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31st December 2015, 03:29 PM
Quote:
Aapki ye nazm bahut hee asardaar khayalon se saji hai...bahut achcha laga ise padhna..aur isliye bhi pasand aayi kyun ki iske zariye...nazm ko lekar maikash ji ne kuch bareekiyaan bhi batai...jisse likhne walon ke ilm me beshak izafa hoga..... Aapka bhi Shukriya di jo aap ise samne laye..... अर्ज मेरी एे खुदा क्या सुन सकेगा तू कभी आसमां को बस इसी इक आस में तकते रहे madhu.. |
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(#12)
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~$uper M0der@tor~
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Rep Power: 61
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1st January 2016, 09:22 AM
bahut khoob zindginama hai Praveen saahab.................... behad ummdah kalaam pesh kiya hai aapne....
chashm-e-nam se kabhi ashk na rukh pe aaye zingai kyunke mahaz ashk bahana bhi nahin hai zinda rehne ko bahut hote hain kuch jhoote bharam bhi dil khush karne ko kafi hain patthar ke sanam bhi zakhm khud ban jaate hain kai baar marham bhi ke ummeedon mein guzarte hain kabhi saal-o-janam bhi daad qubool kijiye...... Shaad........ |
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