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New Darkhwast e Islaah!
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Ahmad Hyderabadi
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New Darkhwast e Islaah! - 15th September 2014, 11:42 PM

Aadaab mere bhaeeo, bahno!

As this section's name states-- Shayri ki Paath-shaalaa.. i.e. Madrsa-e-Shayri.. I would like to continue with the stated aim of this section and learn with all of US ...

Nothing beats practicals.... therefore I request the people with the knowledge to Please come forward and help us learn...

I have a piece of work, an old work of mine which I need to get fixed, i request the advice of the experts and friends who know anything about the different aspects of ghazal to please come forward and help fix it's many flaws. Khaaksaar nay isay sahee karney ki itnee baar koshishayn kee kuch arsay pahlay tak, phir thak kar side mayn rakh diya yay soach kar kabhie fursat milegi tou yahaan apnay dost shura kay saath discuss karlengay aur islaah talab karengay, meri zaati appeal haye Zidd bhaee, Ufaq Bhaee, Sumit bhaee, Zarra bhaee, Shaad bhaee, Maikash Saahab, Mujib Saahab, Ahmad Shakil saahab say ki aagay aayayn aur hamaray ilm mayn izaafa karayn!!


It is an attempted ghazal -With an apparent bahr:
221 122 222 , 222 212 12



Radeef aur Title haye: Tanhaa-Tanhaa, Kabhie-Kabhie!


Tumko khoker mahsoos Kia , tanha-tanha, kabhie kabhie,
Afsoas hua khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Mehfil mein tumhari aye jaanaaN, yun to ham bhi shaamil he thay
Phir bhi humnay Khudko paayaa, tanha-tanha, kabhie kabhie!

Phoolon ke mausam mayn jaanaaN jab yaad tumhari aayi hai,
Hai zer-e-shajar khudko paayaa, tanha-tanha, kabhie kabhie!

Lafzon mayn bayaaN mumkin he nahi rudaad-e-tanhai apnee,
Hai bay-saaya khudko Paaya, tanha tanha kabhie kabhie!

Ahmad kay dilper kya beeti, Ahmad ka dil he yay jaanay,
Ahmad nay jab khudko paayaa, tanha tanha kabhie kabhie!


Duagoh

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16th September 2014, 02:22 PM

Masha Allah bohat khoob surat ghazal hai Ahmed bhai. ..

Sabhi ashaar laajawaab hain

Islaah tou kar nahi sakte....tareef zaroor karenge...

Matla aur maqta khaas pasand aaye. ..

Yuhi likhte rahiye




Zainy


PalkoN ki baand ko tod ke daaman pe aa gira
Ek aaNsu mere zabt ki tauheen kar gaya...

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16th September 2014, 06:48 PM

Quote:
Zidd bhaee, Ufaq Bhaee, Sumit bhaee, Zarra bhaee, Shaad bhaee, Maikash Saahab, Mujib Saahab, Ahmad Shakil saahab say ki aagay aayayn aur hamaray ilm mayn izaafa karayn!!
aadaab o tasleemaat !

umeed hai app khairiyat se hoNgy . meri bhi in sabhi membraan se darkhuwast hai keh baraah e karam aagay baRhieN or hum sab ke ilm mai izaafa fermaaieN .

umeed kaafi hai Mujib Saahab se muraad Mujib 66 hi hai q keh moHteram mai is qabil naheeN ke koi iSlaaH ker sakoN .



It is an attempted ghazal -With an apparent bahr:
221 122 222 , 222 212 12



Radeef aur Title haye: Tanhaa-Tanhaa, Kabhie-Kabhie!


Tumko khoker mahsoos Kia , tanha-tanha, kabhie kabhie,
Afsoas hua khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Mehfil mein tumhari aye jaanaaN, yun to ham bhi shaamil he thay
Phir bhi humnay khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Phoolon ke mausam mayn jaanaaN jab yaad tumhari aayi hai,
Hai zer-e-shajar khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Lafzon mayn bayaaN mumkin he nahi rudaad-e-tanhai apnee,
Hai bay-saaya khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Ahmad kay dilper kya beeti, Ahmad ka dil he yay jaanay,
Ahmad nay jab khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!
[/QUOTE]



opper Ahmed bhai ne bahut hi qabil logoN se darkhuwaast ki hai keh yahaN aa ker unki IslaaH fermaaieN . yaqeen is se hums ab ko hi faaida ho ga ,

ahmad bhai yahaN mera aik sawaal hai appse . app ne fermaaya ke radeef hai tanha tanha kabhi kabhi , mager app ne her sher ke micra cani mai istemaal kiya khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie! sirf matlaa ke micra oola mai qaafia lafz "kiyaa" istemaal huwa baaqi to sab sher mai appne "khudko paaya"istemaal kiya hai.

ager matlaa choR ker dekhaa jaaey to appki ghazal ka radeef lag raha hai khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie! or qaafia hai hi naheeN .

sawaal appse yeh hai keh appne qaafia kiya liya is ghazal mai ?


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chup rahoN to guneh gaar hoN
   
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16th September 2014, 08:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mujeeb View Post
aadaab o tasleemaat !

umeed hai app khairiyat se hoNgy . meri bhi in sabhi membraan se darkhuwast hai keh baraah e karam aagay baRhieN or hum sab ke ilm mai izaafa fermaaieN .

umeed kaafi hai Mujib Saahab se muraad Mujib 66 hi hai q keh moHteram mai is qabil naheeN ke koi iSlaaH ker sakoN .

Aaadaab Muhtaram Mujeeb Saahab, Ji nahii aapkee ummid ghalat rahi, halaanke Mujib Parwaaz sahaab bh agar aagay aaker haath thaamay tou hamayn khushee he hogee, lakin yahaan "Mujib" likhnay mayn khaaksaar say spelling mistake hogayee, yahaan yay Naam aap huzoor say he muraad haye.


It is an attempted ghazal -With an apparent bahr:
221 122 222 , 222 212 12



Radeef aur Title haye: Tanhaa-Tanhaa, Kabhie-Kabhie!


Tumko khoker mahsoos Kia , tanha-tanha, kabhie kabhie,
Afsoas hua khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Mehfil mein tumhari aye jaanaaN, yun to ham bhi shaamil he thay
Phir bhi humnay khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Phoolon ke mausam mayn jaanaaN jab yaad tumhari aayi hai,
Hai zer-e-shajar khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Lafzon mayn bayaaN mumkin he nahi rudaad-e-tanhai apnee,
Hai bay-saaya khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Ahmad kay dilper kya beeti, Ahmad ka dil he yay jaanay,

Ahmad nay jab khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!


opper Ahmed bhai ne bahut hi qabil logoN se darkhuwaast ki hai keh yahaN aa ker unki IslaaH fermaaieN . yaqeen is se hums ab ko hi faaida ho ga ,

ahmad bhai yahaN mera aik sawaal hai appse . app ne fermaaya ke radeef hai tanha tanha kabhi kabhi , mager app ne her sher ke micra cani mai istemaal kiya khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie! sirf matlaa ke micra oola mai qaafia lafz "kiyaa" istemaal huwa baaqi to sab sher mai appne "khudko paaya"istemaal kiya hai.

ager matlaa choR ker dekhaa jaaey to appki ghazal ka radeef lag raha hai khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie! or qaafia hai hi naheeN .

sawaal appse yeh hai keh appne qaafia kiya liya is ghazal mai ?[/QUOTE]

Aadaab o tasleemaat Mujeeb Bhaee! buhat masarrat huee aapki aamad par. Bayhad mashkoor hoon aapka. Yahaan mayn apnay har taalib-e-ilm saathi say muqaatib hoon aur oopar bas chhund he shura kaa naam likh paaya par iska matlab yay nahee kay koee bhi aur saathi excluded hai. Ilm mayn kya sharmaanaa, beyjhijhak koee bhi saathi apni aara saamnay rakh sakta haye. mujhay khushee he hogee.

Ab aatay hayn aapkay ataa kiyay suaal ki taraf,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mujeeb View Post
app ne her sher ke micra cani mai istemaal kiya khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie! sirf matlaa ke micra oola mai qaafia lafz "kiyaa" istemaal huwa baaqi to sab sher mai appne "khudko paaya"istemaal kiya hai.

ager matlaa choR ker dekhaa jaaey to appki ghazal ka radeef lag raha hai khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie! or qaafia hai hi naheeN .
Aap nay bayshak sahee farmaaya, is kavish mayn , agar matlaa ko nazr andaaz kardiyaa jaayay ,tou baaqi ashaar mayn sirf radeef he nazar aa raha haye, aur qafiya ghayr mawjood haye.

Iski wajah mayn koshish karta hoon bataanay ki, but before that ,first of all letme make it clear that this( non-appearance of qafiya) IS an AYB(fault), and a big one at that.

Dar asal yay kavish kuch taveel arsay pahlay maynay likhna shuru kee thee , on and off koshish karta raha. Kal jo kavish maynay oopar submit kee uski is shakal ki ayk badee wajah is my stubborn determination to stick with the radeef "Tanha-tanha, Kabhie kabhie". Then i left it aside to gather dust. Just a few days back I tried one more time, and ended up with the above work.

So kisee tarha paanch ashaar ready huay, jinkay khayaalaat mayn, mahaz bahr ki khaatir badalna nahee chaahta tha.

To begin with, originally my Qafiya was "xaA",
huAa,
KiYAa,
Paya
Saya

And had ashaar as below:

Khoker tumko mahsoos Kia , tanha-tanha, kabhie kabhie,
Paaker Khudko afsoas huaa, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Lafzon mayn bayaaN mumkin he nahi rudaad-e-tanhai apnee,
Paaya khudko haye bay-saaya, tanha tanha kabhie kabhie!

Ahmad kay dilper kya beeti, Ahmad ka dil he yay jaanay,
Ahmad jab apnay ghar aaya, tanha tanha kabhie kabhie!

And the others for clear bayaani the misraaa's by co-incidence were finishing with khudko paaya. So as I have stated above in my beginning request, there was a lot of confusion in my mind and ended up with the work I have presented for ISLAAH, as my heart was never satisfied that everything is o.k with this one. Then I thought, what better way to learn then ask the Shuraa and Friends here and at the same time understand the intricacies and the processes we go through while writing a ghazal..

So in my last ditch attempts at fixing it I re-arranged the ashaar and simply overlooked the qafiya, a biiig BLUNDER. lets all work together and fix it. hence the request for islaah.

Mujeeb bhaee, mayn aapka tahay dil say shukr-guzaar hoon jo aapnay apna baysh-qeemti waqt nikaal mayree request ka jawaab diyaa aur apna shafqat bhara haath islaah ki oar barhaaya! jazaakAllah!


Duagoh

Ahmad

Last edited by Ahmad Hyderabadi; 16th September 2014 at 09:11 PM..
   
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16th September 2014, 08:46 PM

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Originally Posted by zainy View Post
Masha Allah bohat khoob surat ghazal hai Ahmed bhai. ..

Sabhi ashaar laajawaab hain

Islaah tou kar nahi sakte....tareef zaroor karenge...

Matla aur maqta khaas pasand aaye. ..

Yuhi likhte rahiye
SalaamAlaik Zainy Sis!!!

Thank You Sooo much Sis both on SDC and FB. I can never thank you enough, but behna please do not hesitate to contribute in the process of learning. So please come forward with the mistake you see!!

Duago
Ahmad


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16th September 2014, 09:04 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mujeeb View Post
aadaab o tasleemaat !

umeed hai app khairiyat se hoNgy . meri bhi in sabhi membraan se darkhuwast hai keh baraah e karam aagay baRhieN or hum sab ke ilm mai izaafa fermaaieN .

umeed kaafi hai Mujib Saahab se muraad Mujib 66 hi hai q keh moHteram mai is qabil naheeN ke koi iSlaaH ker sakoN .



It is an attempted ghazal -With an apparent bahr:
221 122 222 , 222 212 12



Radeef aur Title haye: Tanhaa-Tanhaa, Kabhie-Kabhie!


Tumko khoker mahsoos Kia , tanha-tanha, kabhie kabhie,
Afsoas hua khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Mehfil mein tumhari aye jaanaaN, yun to ham bhi shaamil he thay
Phir bhi humnay khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Phoolon ke mausam mayn jaanaaN jab yaad tumhari aayi hai,
Hai zer-e-shajar khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Lafzon mayn bayaaN mumkin he nahi rudaad-e-tanhai apnee,
Hai bay-saaya khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!

Ahmad kay dilper kya beeti, Ahmad ka dil he yay jaanay,
Ahmad nay jab khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie!


opper Ahmed bhai ne bahut hi qabil logoN se darkhuwaast ki hai keh yahaN aa ker unki IslaaH fermaaieN . yaqeen is se hums ab ko hi faaida ho ga ,

ahmad bhai yahaN mera aik sawaal hai appse . app ne fermaaya ke radeef hai tanha tanha kabhi kabhi , mager app ne her sher ke micra cani mai istemaal kiya khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie! sirf matlaa ke micra oola mai qaafia lafz "kiyaa" istemaal huwa baaqi to sab sher mai appne "khudko paaya"istemaal kiya hai.

ager matlaa choR ker dekhaa jaaey to appki ghazal ka radeef lag raha hai khudko Paaya, tanha-tanha kabhie kabhie! or qaafia hai hi naheeN .

sawaal appse yeh hai keh appne qaafia kiya liya is ghazal mai ?[/QUOTE]



claps Mujeeb bhai............ what an observation.... kamaal ki paarkhi nazar rakhte hain aap.... darasal pahle mujhe yoon laga ke shaayad isme matlaa nahii hai, magar jab aapne ishaara kiyaa to gaur kiyaa ke shaayad isme qaafiyaa missing hai..... wese jaisaa ke Ahmad bhai ne ishaara kiya hai ke its an old work... so i thought let bygones be bygones...

Wese kamaal ke sher kahe hain aapne ahmad bhai.... technical islaah karne ke liye merii auqaat nahi bhai... bas aapko daad na nazraana pesh kar sakta hoon.....

shukriyaa


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18th September 2014, 10:43 PM

Ahmad bhai.....aapne naam lekar pukaara to aana hi padaa......bahut kam log hote hai Jo apni ghazal baraay islaah pesh karne ka hausla kar paate hai....aapke is jazbe se dil me aapke liye ehtraam paida ho gayaa hai.....
Tamaam ghazal par yahaa.n islaah nahi De Paaunga.....abhi to sirf ye kahane haazir huya hu ki Mujib bhai aur Shaad bhai ki is baat se poori -poori tarah na-itefaaqi rakhta hu ki is ghazal me qawaafi nahi hai...dar-asl qawaafi ko matle se ek shakl milti hai ......matle me.n aapne aazad alif ko harf e Ravi maankar qaafia baandha hai iske baad aaP chaahe kitni baar bhi kisi lafz ko qaafie Ke taur par istemaal kar sakte hai ....koi bandish nahi hai....maslan ...jigar sahib ki ghazal ....tabiyat in dino beghana e gham me....gham aur kam ko qaafia baandha gayaa hai...matle Ke baad Ke ashaar me baar -baar kam ko lafz e qaafia Ke tour par istemaal kiya gaya hai

Mujiib bhai aur Shaad bhai se muaafi Ka arzmand rahunga ki sare bazm unki baat kaat rahaa hu...koi bhi ghalti ho to muaaf kare..

Baaqi ..Ahmad bhai ..abhi waqt nahi hai..zindagi ne mohlat Di to phir aaunga lauTkar tafseel se ghazal par baat karne.......ijaaazat De ..bhai

Last edited by ufaq; 18th September 2014 at 10:52 PM..
   
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20th September 2014, 08:47 PM

Quote:
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Ahmad bhai.....aapne naam lekar pukaara to aana hi padaa......bahut kam log hote hai Jo apni ghazal baraay islaah pesh karne ka hausla kar paate hai....aapke is jazbe se dil me aapke liye ehtraam paida ho gayaa hai.....
Tamaam ghazal par yahaa.n islaah nahi De Paaunga.....abhi to sirf ye kahane haazir huya hu ki Mujib bhai aur Shaad bhai ki is baat se poori -poori tarah na-itefaaqi rakhta hu ki is ghazal me qawaafi nahi hai...dar-asl qawaafi ko matle se ek shakl milti hai ......matle me.n aapne aazad alif ko harf e Ravi maankar qaafia baandha hai iske baad aaP chaahe kitni baar bhi kisi lafz ko qaafie Ke taur par istemaal kar sakte hai ....koi bandish nahi hai....maslan ...jigar sahib ki ghazal ....tabiyat in dino beghana e gham me....gham aur kam ko qaafia baandha gayaa hai...matle Ke baad Ke ashaar me baar -baar kam ko lafz e qaafia Ke tour par istemaal kiya gaya hai

Mujiib bhai aur Shaad bhai se muaafi Ka arzmand rahunga ki sare bazm unki baat kaat rahaa hu...koi bhi ghalti ho to muaaf kare..

Baaqi ..Ahmad bhai ..abhi waqt nahi hai..zindagi ne mohlat Di to phir aaunga lauTkar tafseel se ghazal par baat karne.......ijaaazat De ..bhai
Aadaab Mere Bhaee! Aap kay khuloos nay dil ko baagh baagh kardiya! Bayshak Bhaee, aap apni fursat wa sahooliyat say apni islaah ataa karayn, aur deegar shura say bhi yahee guzaarish haye!

Aap nay jo pahlu par raoshnee daali haye bhaee khaaksaar kay dil mayn yahee khayaal thaa, laykin itnaa saaf nahee, mayn kyoonki roman urdu mayn he drafting karta hoon tou azaad alif ke bajaaye "yaa" + "alif" ya'ni "Yaa" ko qawaafi banaya haye ismay confuse hogaya... aysi ayk koshish maynay apni second ever posting of Ghazal on SDC mayn bhee ki thee

http://www.shayri.com/forums/showthread.php?t=73905

aur mujhay yaad haye kuch shuraa nay same practise par aytraaz jataaya tha, inshaAllah mayn apni us kaavish ko bhi theek karnay ki koshish karoonga, lakin baa'd mayn, but for the sake of understanding i will post it below as well

Hidaayat amal kee tu ham ko day Maulaa,
Nazdeek apnay tu ham ko lay Maulaa!

Adaavat kisee say na ham karne paayain,
Sharaafat aysee tu ham ko day Maulaa!

Himaaqat mayn joothi jo khud ko mitaaye,
Halaakat aysee na ham ko day Maulaa!

Salaamat rahayn ham say phool aur kaantay,
Nazaakat aysee tu ham ko day Maulaa!

Jahaalat hamaari sabhee duur kar day,
Bashaarat aysee tu ham ko day Maulaa!



..................................

Mujeeb Bhaaee, Shaad bhaee, Ufaq Bhaee, Zainy Behna, buhat shukrguzaar hoon aapsabka!


Aur aap sab say aur deegar ahbaab o ikraam say phir say guzaarish karoonga ki khulay dil say, aagay aakar apni aara wa tanqeed paysh karayn, taaki ham sab kay ilm-e-shayri izaafa ho!!


Duagoh

Ahmad
   
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AnjAAn!!!
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21st September 2014, 12:24 PM

Un ne hum ko bulaya mahfil meN
Aur hum dar badar bhatakte they

Ahmad bhai aadaab
Muaafi ka khwahish mand hooN ke iss thread par nazar nahiN gayi aur ab tak aa na saka. Waise islaah wagerah mere bas ki baat nahiN. Lekin chhota bhai hone ke naate aage ki baatcheet meN shareeq rahne ki koshish zaroor karunga.

Filhaal ijazat. Fursat milte hi wapas aaunga.


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