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  (#81)
Afshan
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14th April 2004, 10:53 AM

Aadaab Doston



zara dekhein nazar bhar ke ruk to sahi.
karein deedar jee bhar ke ruk to sahi.
-masoom_s

bey gaanahe aur bhi bahut hai bhari duniyaa mein
mehfil-e-husn mein naa shinaas yaar, ruk to sahi
-Mast

nigaah-e-jaam hain ki sabab mere mitne kaa
hone de makhmoor yaar jee bhar ke ruk tau sahi
-Paras

4th Sher..

Ye moD zindagi ka na aayega lautke,
Aayegi bahaar jee bhar ke, ruk to sahi.

-Afshan.


Tum chale jaaoge to sochenge... Humne kya khoya, humne kya paaya...
   
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  (#82)
Nida Siidiqui
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14th April 2004, 02:17 PM

zara dekhein nazar bhar ke ruk to sahi.
karein deedar jee bhar ke ruk to sahi.
-masoom_s

bey gaanahe aur bhi bahut hai bhari duniyaa mein
mehfil-e-husn mein naa shinaas yaar, ruk to sahi
-Mast

nigaah-e-jaam hain ki sabab mere mitne kaa
hone de makhmoor yaar jee bhar ke ruk tau sahi
-Paras

4th Sher..

Ye moD zindagi ka na aayega lautke,
Aayegi bahaar jee bhar ke, ruk to sahi.

-Afshan.

Zindagi kushiyon aur ghum ka khazana hai
ghum toe umr bhar k saathi hain tu ruk to sahi


Nida


(To love and be loved is the greatest happiness of existence.)
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Ruk to Sahi
Old
  (#83)
masoom_s
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Ruk to Sahi - 14th April 2004, 02:30 PM

Ek aur sher ban para hai, pesh karta hoon.

6th Sher..

zara dekhein nazar bhar ke ruk to sahi.
karein deedar jee bhar ke ruk to sahi.
-masoom_s

bey gaanahe aur bhi bahut hai bhari duniyaa mein
mehfil-e-husn mein naa shinaas yaar, ruk to sahi
-Mast

nigaah-e-jaam hain ki sabab mere mitne kaa
hone de makhmoor yaar jee bhar ke ruk tau sahi
-Paras

4th Sher..

Ye moD zindagi ka na aayega lautke,
Aayegi bahaar jee bhar ke, ruk to sahi.

-Afshan.

Zindagi kushiyon aur ghum ka khazana hai
ghum toe umr bhar k saathi hain tu ruk to sahi


------------
Nida


Teri surat pe to chand bhi rashk kare
bhare aan_hey woh reh reh ke, ruk to sahi

-masoom


Love everyone!!
   
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7th Sher
Old
  (#84)
Chaand
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7th Sher - 14th April 2004, 04:40 PM

7th sher

zara dekhein nazar bhar ke ruk to sahi.
karein deedar jee bhar ke ruk to sahi.
-masoom_s

bey gaanahe aur bhi bahut hai bhari duniyaa mein
mehfil-e-husn mein naa shinaas yaar, ruk to sahi
-Mast

nigaah-e-jaam hain ki sabab mere mitne kaa
hone de makhmoor yaar jee bhar ke ruk tau sahi
-Paras

4th Sher..

Ye moD zindagi ka na aayega lautke,
Aayegi bahaar jee bhar ke, ruk to sahi.

-Afshan.

Zindagi kushiyon aur ghum ka khazana hai
ghum toe umr bhar k saathi hain tu ruk to sahi

Nida

Phir kya... jo tanha hai safar me tu bhi
Tere khaatir bhi koi aaega..tu ruk to sahi,


Sachh bolne ka hausla to, hum bhi rakhte haiN lekin
Anjaam sochkar, aksar khaamosh hi reh jaate haiN.

- Chaand
   
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Old
  (#85)
Parastaar
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15th April 2004, 05:56 AM

Aathwan (8th)aur aakhiri sher...

zara dekhein nazar jee bhar ke ruk to sahi.
karein deedar jee bhar ke ruk to sahi.
-masoom_s

bey gaanahe aur bhi bahut hai bhari duniyaa mein
mehfil-e-husn mein naa shinaas yaar, ruk to sahi
-Mast

nigaah-e-jaam hain ki sabab mere mitne kaa
hone de makhmoor yaar jee bhar ke ruk tau sahi
-Paras

4th Sher..

Ye moD zindagi ka na aayega lautke,
Aayegi bahaar jee bhar ke, ruk to sahi.

-Afshan.

Zindagi kushiyon aur ghum ka khazana hai
ghum toe umr bhar k saathi hain tu ruk to sahi

Nida

Phir kya... jo tanha hai safar me tu bhi
Tere khaatir bhi koi aaega..tu ruk to sahi,

nazar mili...be-saakhta yeh dil gaya
kareinge dil nissaar jee bhar ke ruk to sahi
-paras

bus yoon kahiye ki jaise taise humne ghazal poori kar di...lol aap sabne bahut achha likha hai...lekin most of you couldn't figure out kafiya and radeef in this ghazal...meri tarah aap bhi confused hee rahe...

tau chaliye issi pe baat karein...humko bhi haal hee mein iss baat kee samajh aayi hai...Kafiyaa is a must for everyone to follow...

for eg...the 1st sher was

zara dekhein nazar jee bhar ke ruk to sahi.
karein deedar jee bhar ke ruk to sahi.
-masoom_s

pehla sher ghazal ka 'matla' hai ismein dono lines mein 'radeef' hota hai...jaise ki yahan hai...

jee bhar ke ruk tau sahi...

ab baaki sab sher ke aakhir mein yeh hona chahiye thaa...waise choonki hum sab abhi students hain ghazal writing ke...tau hamein 'radeef' chota hee rakhna chahiye...

masoom sahib ne 'radeef' se pehle 'dedaar' lafz istemaal kiya hai...aur yahi hamara 'kafiyaa' hai...'aar'

yeh sher bilkul sahi hain...

zara dekhein nazar jee bhar ke ruk to sahi.
karein deedar jee bhar ke ruk to sahi.
-masoom_s

nigaah-e-jaam hain ki sabab mere mitne kaa
hone de makhmoor yaar jee bhar ke ruk tau sahi
-Paras

Ye moD zindagi ka na aayega lautke,
Aayegi bahaar jee bhar ke, ruk to sahi.
-Afshan.

nazar mili...be-saakhta yeh dil gaya 'paras'
kareinge dil nissaar jee bhar ke ruk to sahi
-paras

dekhiey inmein 'dedaar' 'yaar' 'bahaar' 'nissaar' kaise istemaal hua hai...

last sher is a 'matka' jahan shayar apni pehchan chod jata hai...khud se kuch keh kar...apne takhallus ke zariye...

chaliye bahut ho chuka lecture...phew...aayinda gaur farmaayiyega...

aayiye ab iss kuuche mein apni kalam aajmaaish karein ek naya sher.... ek nayi ghazal ...pesh karein


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan

Last edited by Parastaar; 15th April 2004 at 05:59 AM..
   
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Old
  (#86)
Parastaar
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15th April 2004, 06:19 AM

OOOPS!

aakhiri sher is a "Maqta" not "Matka"


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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Shukriya
Old
  (#87)
Chaand
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Shukriya - 15th April 2004, 11:11 AM

Shukriya Paras ji...ye jo baareekiyaaN aapne yahaaN bataai hai ...mujhe pata nahi thi.... aage koshish rahegi inhe dhyaaN rakhne ki...is jaankaari ke liye tahe dil se shukriya.

Chaand


Sachh bolne ka hausla to, hum bhi rakhte haiN lekin
Anjaam sochkar, aksar khaamosh hi reh jaate haiN.

- Chaand
   
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Old
  (#88)
manoj kureel
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21st April 2004, 05:42 PM

priye paras
ek nai gazal ka aagaz karne ki izzazat chahta hoon aapse,,,,,yeh adhuri gazal jo meine shukru to ki thi kabhi,,,,,magar isko anjaam tak na la saka,,,,...is ek sher ke roop mein buniyald daal raha hoon,,,umeed hai jald hi ise ek imaarat ke roop mein tameer hua dekh sakunga...pesh e khidmat hai.....

dunia kisi ke pyaar mein jannat se kam nahin
dard-e-dil mohabbat mein raahat se kam nahin

-Manoj Kureel


apne usoolon par ham apne andaaz se chalte hai
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  (#89)
Qasid
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21st April 2004, 06:13 PM

Bahut khoob manoj bhai...aapki ghazal ko aage badha raha hoon...kuch galat keh gaya hoon to nadaan samajh kar maaf kar dijiyegaa.

dunia kisi ke pyaar mein jannat se kam nahin
dard-e-dil mohabbat mein raahat se kam nahin
-Manoj

aise bhi shaqs kuch hai, shiqwa-e-dil jinhe
jinke nazar ke moti, daulat se kam nahin

-Mast
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  (#90)
manoj kureel
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21st April 2004, 06:24 PM

aise bhi shaqs kuch hai, shiqwa-e-dil jinhe
jinke nazar ke moti, daulat se kam nahin

wah.......dost
kya baat hai....maan gaye aapko.....saheb.....aapka saath jis "sher" ko mil jaye wo palak jhapakte hi "gazal ban ke jawan ho jaye...daad kubool farmaiye.......aapko nazar karta hoon yeh 3rd sher...

aawaz sun kar unki khilte hai dil mein phool
mithaas us jabaan ki sharbat se kam nahin

-Manoj


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silsila
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  (#91)
anish_ekshayar
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Love silsila - 21st April 2004, 06:24 PM

paras jee
manoj jee ne to waki ek aisi shuruat kar dee ke bas ab to shuruat mai hee wah wah nikal rahi hai isei ko aage badhate hue kuchh pesh kar raha hun

dunia kisi ke pyaar mein jannat se kam nahin
dard-e-dil mohabbat mein raahat se kam nahin

-Manoj Kureel

is silsile ke age must jee kee line bhi waki lajwaab ahi
aise bhi shaqs kuch hai, shiqwa-e-dil jinhe
jinke nazar ke moti, daulat se kam nahin

-Mast

nikla nahi bahar mai ke kisi pe aa gaya..
ye dil sa jo hai seene mai aafat se kam nahi !

-Anish_ekshayar


anish

tum mujhe bhool bhi jao to ye haq hai tumko !
meri baat or hai maine to mohobbat kee hai !!


:) anish.paliwal@gmail.com:)
   
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manoj kureel
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Re: silsila - 21st April 2004, 06:29 PM

nikla nahi bahar mai ke kisi pe aa gaya..
ye dil sa jo hai seene mai aafat se kam nahi !

-Anish bhai
superb !!! aapke is laajawab sher ne to mujhe bejubaan kar diya,,,,,,kya baat hai janab....yeh gazal bahoot khushnaseeb hai jisko aap jaise shayar ke alfaaz mile...daad kubool kijiye...
-Manoj


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karte hai jo "kureel" se gila karte rahein.
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  (#93)
sanjoo
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21st April 2004, 07:30 PM

Maafi kai saath ap sab doston kai bich shaamil ho raha hu....gar hum ne ap sab ki baat se hatT kar apni baat likhi ho to plzz ap iss sher ko apne kalaam mai na shaamil kare hume sach mai shayri ki takniki jankari nahi hai..to galti hona swabhaviK hai...jo ban pada woh likh diya hai...paras ji ne kaha thaa..to koshish karii hai...waqt kam hai..aur...apni maojudgii bhii daRjj karani thii..isswaste ek koshish karii hai....apne naraaz dost ko aur naraaz nahi kar sakta hain....Sanju!

dunia kisi ke pyaar mein jannat se kam nahin
dard-e-dil mohabbat mein raahat se kam nahin
-Manoj Kureel

aise bhi shaqs kuch hai, shiqwa-e-dil jinhe
jinke nazar ke moti, daulat se kam nahin
-Mast

aawaz sun kar unki khilte hai dil mein phool
mithaas us jabaan ki sharbat se kam nahin
-Manoj Kureel

nikla nahi bahar mai ke kisi pe aa gaya..
ye dil sa jo hai seene mai aafat se kam nahi !
-Anish_ekshayar

ruutha hai jab se woh meharBa jaanashii
de gaya sazaaye tanha jine kii maut se kam nahi..
-sanjoo


Jindagi se to khair shikvaa tha,

muddato mout ne bhi tarsaaya hame..

.....
   
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  (#94)
Qasid
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21st April 2004, 09:45 PM

Doston bahut mazaa aa raha hai mehfil mein khoob rang lag raha hai...manoj ki shukriya khud ka kijiye agar aap itni khoobsurat sher se shuruwaat na karte to ghazal kaise muqammal hoti..lol

anish bhai aur sanjoo bahu shukriya aapko is ghazal ke har sher mein char chaand lagaane ke liye..

aage badhte huye yeh 6th sher:

dunia kisi ke pyaar mein jannat se kam nahin
dard-e-dil mohabbat mein raahat se kam nahin
-Manoj Kureel

aise bhi shaqs kuch hai, shiqwa-e-dil jinhe
jinke nazar ke moti, daulat se kam nahin
-Mast

aawaz sun kar unki khilte hai dil mein phool
mithaas us jabaan ki sharbat se kam nahin
-Manoj Kureel

nikla nahi bahar mai ke kisi pe aa gaya..
ye dil sa jo hai seene mai aafat se kam nahi !
-Anish_ekshayar

ruutha hai jab se woh meharBa jaanashii
de gaya sazaaye tanha jine kii maut se kam nahi..
-sanjoo

nazuk se khilte chehre pe kaise hai âzaab
halke se chuuke dekha paani se kam nahin

-mast
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  (#95)
Shimul
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21st April 2004, 09:53 PM

7th sher,

Sabhi ne kamal ka likhha hai, bohot khub...bada achha laga aaj.
Ab dekhte hai kaun akar isse end karte hai, intezar rahegi.......

dunia kisi ke pyaar mein jannat se kam nahin
dard-e-dil mohabbat mein raahat se kam nahin
-Manoj Kureel

aise bhi shaqs kuch hai, shiqwa-e-dil jinhe
jinke nazar ke moti, daulat se kam nahin
-Mast

aawaz sun kar unki khilte hai dil mein phool
mithaas us jabaan ki sharbat se kam nahin
-Manoj Kureel

nikla nahi bahar mai ke kisi pe aa gaya..
ye dil sa jo hai seene mai aafat se kam nahi !
-Anish_ekshayar

ruutha hai jab se woh meharBa jaanashii
de gaya sazaaye tanha jine kii maut se kam nahi..
-sanjoo

nazuk se khilte chehre pe kaise hai âzaab
halke se chuuke dekha paani se kam nahin

-mast

maar daalegi lagta hai ruswai is kadar unki
ye zindgi-e-mehfil bhi khar-e-dariya se kam nahi.......

-shimul



*Aapni Parwaaz-e-Takhayyull Hain Zamane Se Juda
Jiss Jagah Koyi Na Pahuncha Wahaan Tak Pahunche
Main Samajhta Huun Harr Dil Mein Khuda Rehta Hain
Mera Paigam Mohabbat Hain Jaahan Tak Pahunche**
*~~~Ahsan Sherazi Jee~~~**

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8th sher
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  (#96)
Chaand
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8th sher - 21st April 2004, 10:02 PM

8th sher,

dunia kisi ke pyaar mein jannat se kam nahin
dard-e-dil mohabbat mein raahat se kam nahin
-Manoj Kureel

aise bhi shaqs kuch hai, shiqwa-e-dil jinhe
jinke nazar ke moti, daulat se kam nahin
-Mast

aawaz sun kar unki khilte hai dil mein phool
mithaas us jabaan ki sharbat se kam nahin
-Manoj Kureel

nikla nahi bahar mai ke kisi pe aa gaya..
ye dil sa jo hai seene mai aafat se kam nahi !
-Anish_ekshayar

ruutha hai jab se woh meharBa jaanashii
de gaya sazaaye tanha jine kii maut se kam nahi..
-sanjoo

nazuk se khilte chehre pe kaise hai âzaab
halke se chuuke dekha paani se kam nahin

-mast

maar daalegi lagta hai ruswai is kadar unki
ye zindgi-e-mehfil bhi khar-e-dariya se kam nahi.......

-shimul

Wo paas ho to Chaand, ji lete haiN ham bhi
Warna ye but-e-jaaN kisi, maiyyat se kam nahi.


Sachh bolne ka hausla to, hum bhi rakhte haiN lekin
Anjaam sochkar, aksar khaamosh hi reh jaate haiN.

- Chaand
   
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  (#97)
Shimul
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21st April 2004, 10:10 PM

Wah bohot khub.......aaj bohot jald yeh Gazal bhi pura ho gaaya.
Waise mujhe pata chalgaaya tha ke yeh Gazal khub rang laayegi.
Great, dilki gehraion se aap sab shukraiya kabool kijiyega. Really Loved it. Khush rahiye yeh Duwa rahegi. Take care. God bless you all.

Keep smilling.......


*Aapni Parwaaz-e-Takhayyull Hain Zamane Se Juda
Jiss Jagah Koyi Na Pahuncha Wahaan Tak Pahunche
Main Samajhta Huun Harr Dil Mein Khuda Rehta Hain
Mera Paigam Mohabbat Hain Jaahan Tak Pahunche**
*~~~Ahsan Sherazi Jee~~~**

*Pure Love**
   
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Hai tere ghum ka karam
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talib
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Hai tere ghum ka karam - 22nd April 2004, 12:34 AM

DostoN aap sabhi ka imdaad dekh kar ek hasrat-e-taAoon liye haazir hoon... ummed hain aap sab apni maujoodgi se iss koshish ko ek khoobsurat anjaam denge...ibteda-e-gazal ki gustakhi aur gair-maujoodgi ke liye maazrat ka talabgaar hoon...

Pehla sher

mere dil mein hai andhera, hai tere ghum ka karam
mera angan hua sehra hai tere ghum ka karam.


Ta- Gor Tumhara

Talib.
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Parastaar
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22nd April 2004, 08:58 AM

Waah Waah! Kya rang laayi hai mehfil yahaan...bahut khoob...jaate huye Manoj se request kee thee aur dekho tau kaam se aane par itni khuubsurat ghazal tayyaar...wakai maan gaye aap sabko...daad aur shukriya kabool kijiey...


dunia kisi ke pyaar mein jannat se kam nahin
dard-e-dil mohabbat mein raahat se kam nahin
-Manoj Kureel

aise bhi shaqs kuch hai, shiqwa-e-dil jinhe
jinke nazar ke moti, daulat se kam nahin
-Mast

aawaz sun kar unki khilte hai dil mein phool
mithaas us jabaan ki sharbat se kam nahin
-Manoj Kureel

nikla nahi bahar mai ke kisi pe aa gaya..
ye dil sa jo hai seene mai aafat se kam nahi !
-Anish_ekshayar

ruutha hai jab se woh meharBa jaanashii
de gaya sazaaye tanha jine kii maut se kam nahi..
-sanjoo

nazuk se khilte chehre pe kaise hai âzaab
halke se chuuke dekha paani se kam nahin

-mast

maar daalegi lagta hai ruswai is kadar unki
ye zindgi-e-mehfil bhi khar-e-dariya se kam nahi.......

-shimul

Wo paas ho to Chaand, ji lete haiN ham bhi
Warna ye but-e-jaaN kisi, maiyyat se kam nahi.

-chaand

bus ek choti see galti aapki nazaron ke saamne lana chahti hoon taaki aayinda hum iska khayaal rakhein...

kaafiya mein ....

raahat, daulat, sharbat, aafat, maiyyat...theek hain

lekin Sanju...aapne maut, mast aapne paani, aur shimul aapne khar-e-dariya... istemaal kiyaa jo sahi nahin thaa...

lekin jazzbaaton ka tau kya kehna...ek se ek badhkar sher likhe aap sabne...yeh ghazal itni badhiya thee ki dekhiye...hamare kaabil dost...Talib bhi apni masroofiyat se chand lamhe nikaal kar yahan chale aaye...

yoonhi agli ghazal bhi poori kijieygaa...paras...

haan lekin radeef aur kaafiyaa ka dhyaan rahe...you guys are doing very well...i must say...keep it up...


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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anish_ekshayar
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22nd April 2004, 10:36 AM

dear talib bhai
waki is achhi gazal kee shuruat ko meri dil se sarhata hun or kuchh aage badhane kee koshish karta hun

mere dil mein hai andhera, hai tere ghum ka karam
mera angan hua sehra hai tere ghum ka karam.

- talib

2nd sher

meri aankho se koi tera aks churaye kaise ..
aansuon ka laga pahra hai tere ghum ka karam !

-anish_ekshayar


anish

tum mujhe bhool bhi jao to ye haq hai tumko !
meri baat or hai maine to mohobbat kee hai !!


:) anish.paliwal@gmail.com:)
   
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manoj kureel
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22nd April 2004, 10:57 AM

Talib saheb
ek behtreen shuruwaat karne ke liye hamari badhai kubool kijiye....aur aneesh saheb ,,aap ke sher ka to kya kehna,,,aapne phir ek baar hamein bejubaan kar diya.....teesra sher kehne ki izzazat chata hoon....

mere dil mein hai andhera, hai tere ghum ka karam
mera angan hua sehra hai tere ghum ka karam.

- talib

2nd sher

meri aankho se koi tera aks churaye kaise ..
aansuon ka laga pahra hai tere ghum ka karam !

-anish

3rd sher

roshni ki koi kiran mujh tak pahunchti nahin
dil par pada julfon ka kohra tere ghum ka karam hai

-Manoj


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Parastaar
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22nd April 2004, 11:27 AM

chautha (4th) sher

mere dil mein hai andhera, hai tere ghum ka karam
mera angan hua sehra hai tere ghum ka karam.

- talib

meri aankho se koi tera aks churaye kaise ..
aansuon ka laga pahra hai tere ghum ka karam !

-anish

roshni ki koi kiran mujh tak pahunchti nahin
dil par pada julfon ka kohra tere ghum ka karam

-Manoj

saans bhi azaab, gar rag-e-jaan mein tuu nahin
ziist mein khizaan ka basera, hai tere ghum ka karam
-paras


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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5th Sher
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5th Sher - 22nd April 2004, 11:33 AM

Aadab Sabhi Shayaron ko..
Is mehfil mein jyada purana to nahin hoon aur na hi aap sab ki tarah mashhoor shayar hoon

Bus dil mein kuch zazbat hain jo pesh karna chahta hoon.
Shayad aap ke ghazal ke beech mein mera sher bhi padhne mein aa jaayeee


Koshish karta hoon...

---------------------------------------------------
mere dil mein hai andhera, hai tere ghum ka karam
mera angan hua sehra hai tere ghum ka karam.

- talib

2nd sher

meri aankho se koi tera aks churaye kaise ..
aansuon ka laga pahra hai tere ghum ka karam !

-anish

3rd sher

roshni ki koi kiran mujh tak pahunchti nahin
dil par pada julfon ka kohra tere ghum ka karam hai

-Manoj

4th Sher

saans bhi azaab, gar rag-e-jaan mein tuu nahin
ziist mein khizaan ka basera, hai tere ghum ka karam
-paras


------------
parastaar



5th Sher Likha hai..

Yad aayi hai teri aankh bhi bhar aayi hai
YE Zakhm ho gaya gehra, hai tere ghum ka karam....


----Gumnam
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Afshan
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24th April 2004, 05:02 PM

Adaab!


mere dil mein hai andhera, hai tere ghum ka karam
mera angan hua sehra hai tere ghum ka karam.

- talib

2nd sher

meri aankho se koi tera aks churaye kaise ..
aansuon ka laga pahra hai tere ghum ka karam !

-anish

3rd sher

roshni ki koi kiran mujh tak pahunchti nahin
dil par pada julfon ka kohra tere ghum ka karam hai

-Manoj

4th Sher

saans bhi azaab, gar rag-e-jaan mein tuu nahin
ziist mein khizaan ka basera, hai tere ghum ka karam
-paras

5th Sher

Yad aayi hai teri aankh bhi bhar aayi hai
YE Zakhm ho gaya gehra, hai tere ghum ka karam.
-Gumnaam

Aur 6th Sher

Teri umeed par kaaTi kaii raatein andheri,
Ta Umr na aaya sawera, hai tere ghum ka karam.



Tum chale jaaoge to sochenge... Humne kya khoya, humne kya paaya...

Last edited by Afshan; 24th April 2004 at 05:05 PM..
   
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manoj kureel
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24th April 2004, 07:50 PM

Teri umeed par kaaTi kaii raatein andheri,
Ta Umr na aaya sawera, hai tere ghum ka karam.

BANNO JI
bahoot khoob.....kya baat hai,,,,bahoot acha sher arz kiya hai aapne...dil ko choo gaya....
-Manoj


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Parastaar
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27th April 2004, 09:31 AM

saatwan sher(7)


mere dil mein hai andhera, hai tere ghum ka karam
mera angan hua sehra hai tere ghum ka karam.

- talib

2nd sher

meri aankho se koi tera aks churaye kaise ..
aansuon ka laga pahra hai tere ghum ka karam !

-anish

3rd sher

roshni ki koi kiran mujh tak pahunchti nahin
dil par pada julfon ka kohra tere ghum ka karam hai

-Manoj

4th Sher

saans bhi azaab, gar rag-e-jaan mein tuu nahin
ziist mein khizaan ka basera, hai tere ghum ka karam
-paras

5th Sher

Yad aayi hai teri aankh bhi bhar aayi hai
YE Zakhm ho gaya gehra, hai tere ghum ka karam.
-Gumnaam

Aur 6th Sher

Teri umeed par kaaTi kaii raatein andheri,
Ta Umr na aaya sawera, hai tere ghum ka karam.
--Banno

7th sher

dikhaayeinge phir na kabhi, yeh zakhm-e-dil
yaad-e-yaar bani lutera, hai tere ghum ka karam...


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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manoj kureel
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27th April 2004, 10:55 AM

mohtarma paras
aapki gair_maujudgi mein ek nai gazal ka aagaz karne ki gustakhi kar raha hoon,,,,umeed hai aap is naadan ko muaaf kar dengi....yeh wo sher hai jo mausam e bahaar mein sehra-e-dil par ek kali ki maafik khila tha,,magar phool banne se pehle hi ise khiza ki nazar lag gayi....aaj yaadon ki kitaab se daba aur murjhaya hua wahi phool nikaal kar is mehfil mein pesh kar raha hoon,,,ki shayad bazm ke naami shayron ki sangat mein is tanha phool ko bagiya naseeb ho...pesh e khidmat hai...

kuch alag rangat hai aaj in nazaaron mein
khile hai chahat ke phool aaj in baharon mein

-Manoj Kureel


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2nd Sher
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2nd Sher - 27th April 2004, 11:01 AM

Manoj Ji Aadab!

"kuch alag rangat hai aaj in nazaaron mein
khile hai chahat ke phool aaj in baharon mein"

Wastav mein aapke sher ek nayi ummid , nayi tazgi bhar deta hai. Lekin aapse kehne ki muafi chahoonga ki Ghazal ki Beher ke hisab se isme zara si kami hai. Isse pehle ki koi aur isse Ghazal shuru kare, agar aapki izazat ho to main ise sahi karna chaahoonga..


Aur isme ek Sher bhi jodna chahoonga..

To bataiye kya humein Izazat hai??


----Gumnam
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Re: 2nd Sher
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Re: 2nd Sher - 27th April 2004, 11:07 AM

gumnaam bhai
ismein izzat mangne ki bhala kya baat hai???? aapko poori izzazat hai janab......aapki alfazon ki mashaal mein shayad hamein bhi manzil tak pahunchne ka koi raasta dikh jaye.......aap behichaq sher ko Behar ke saanche mein dhale janab......
-Manoj


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Aadab Manoj Ji
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Aadab Manoj Ji - 27th April 2004, 11:20 AM

Manoj ji,

Shukhriya! To aapke sher ko zara sa modify kar raha hoon

Apne likha tha...

"kuch alag rangat hai aaj in nazaaron mein
khile hai chahat ke phool aaj in baharon mein"

Jise maine likha hai--

" Kuch alag-si rangat hai, Aaj in nazaaron mein,
Phool Khile Chahat Ke, Aaj in bahaaron mein"

2nd Sher Likha hai...

" Hal-e-dil hum kya kahen, kya aaj hai 'Gumnam' Ka,
Manzilon ki Chahat hai, Aaj in Kinaron mein."


Ummid hai ap ko achcha lagega. Zara ghazal Ko padh kar dekhiyega ki wakayi koi antar hai ya nahin...

Take care....



To Ghazal Is tarah ho gayi Hai--

1st Sher--

" Kuch alag-si rangat hai, Aaj in nazaaron mein,
Phool Khile Chahat Ke, Aaj in bahaaron mein"
(manoj kureel)

2nd Sher--

" Hal-e-dil hum kya kahen, kya aaj hai 'Gumnam' Ka,
Manzilon ki Chahat hai, Aaj in Kinaron mein."
(Gumnam)


----Gumnam
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Re: Aadab Manoj Ji
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manoj kureel
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Re: Aadab Manoj Ji - 27th April 2004, 11:43 AM

" Kuch alag-si rangat hai, Aaj in nazaaron mein,
Phool Khile Chahat Ke, Aaj in bahaaron mein"

gumnaam bhai
aapne ek dam todte hue sher ko apne hunar se jawan bana diya...bahoot khoob....jazbaaton ko chue bagair alfazon mein badlaav kar ke aapne is murjhaye phool ko mano mehka diya ho....kuch kuch waise hi jaise purani sharaab ko nai botal mil gayi ho....bahoot khoon...

2nd Sher Likha hai...

" Hal-e-dil hum kya kahen, kya aaj hai 'Gumnam' Ka,
Manzilon ki Chahat hai, Aaj in Kinaron mein."

aapka dusra sher bhi kaabeele tareef hai....hamari daad kubool kijiyte.....

3 sher hai...

har nishane se door dil kaid mein mehfooz tha
jameendoj hone ki khawish hai,aaj in deewaron mein


aapki rai ke intezaar mein ...

-Manoj Kureel


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27th April 2004, 12:14 PM

1st Sher--

" Kuch alag-si rangat hai, Aaj in nazaaron mein,
Phool Khile Chahat Ke, Aaj in bahaaron mein"
(manoj kureel)

2nd Sher--

" Hal-e-dil hum kya kahen, kya aaj hai 'Gumnam' Ka,
Manzilon ki Chahat hai, Aaj in Kinaron mein."
(Gumnam)

3 sher hai...

har nishane se door dil kaid mein mehfooz tha
jameendoj hone ki khawish hai,aaj in deewaron mein

- Manoj Kureel


4th Sher

Tere taraane se goonji waadiyaan,
Teri hi mehek hai, Aaj in fizaaon mein.

-Banno..


Tum chale jaaoge to sochenge... Humne kya khoya, humne kya paaya...
   
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Sorry to Say! - 27th April 2004, 12:46 PM

Dear Manoj Ji!


Aapka sher aapke Zazbaat Bayan Kar gaya. Magar kehte hue kuchh sankoch sa ho raha hai. Agar main aapke har sher mein khami bataunga to aap mujhe kuchh aur hi samajh na lein. Phir bhi Last baar Bata raha hoon Please naraz mat hona Aur aage dhyan rakhna OK??

To sahab aapke Sher me Ghazal lke hisab se Beher ki kami hai. Matlab Sher ki Lambayi 1st Sher ki Lambayi se match nahin kar rahi hai. but i will not correct it now.. You do it yourself. Please..........



Aur Baano Sahiba Ji,,,


Yeh Apne Kya Likha Hai Yahan??

Tere taraane se goonji waadiyaan,
Teri hi mehek hai, Aaj in fizaaon mein.


Na to 1st line aur na hi 2nd line Beher se talluk rakhti hai. Gaur pharmayiye Ghazal Ka Kafiya Hai-- " ---ron Mein" Like -"Baharon mein", " nazaron mein", "Kinaron mein" etc etc. And you have written "Fizaaon mein" which is wrong. So Please take care to write in the same Beher, Radeef and Kafiya (You know these or Not??)

Ummid hai aaP dono jald hi apne apne sher Durust Karenge..


Byeeeeeee


Baki sabhi se guzarish hai ki aap apna sher in dono sher ke durust hone ke baad hi likhen.....


----Gumnam
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Afshan
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27th April 2004, 01:08 PM

Gumnaam saahab,

Aadaab!

Maaf kijiyega.. shayad kaafi kami reh gayi humaare sher me..

Khair, Please consider my sher cancelled.. humaari wajah se khamakha ghazal kyu ruke.. jab bhi manoj ji apna sher pesh kar dein, aap sab please ghazal continue kar lijiyega.. Thanks!


Tum chale jaaoge to sochenge... Humne kya khoya, humne kya paaya...
   
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27th April 2004, 01:26 PM

Jee nahin Banno...

ghazal ruki nahin...bus thodi see tabdeeli karte hain...gustaakhi maaf karna Banno jee...gumnaam sahib dekhna thheek hai ki nahin

Tere taraane se goonji waadiyaan,
Teri hi mehek hai, Aaj in fizaaon mein.


Tere taraane se goonji waadiyaan,
Teri hi mehek hai, Aaj rahguzaron mein.

1st Sher--

" Kuch alag-si rangat hai, Aaj in nazaaron mein,
Phool Khile Chahat Ke, Aaj in bahaaron mein"
(manoj kureel)

2nd Sher--

" Hal-e-dil hum kya kahen, kya aaj hai 'Gumnam' Ka,
Manzilon ki Chahat hai, Aaj in Kinaron mein."
(Gumnam)

3 sher hai...

har nishane se door dil kaid mein mehfooz tha
jameendoj hone ki khawish hai,aaj in deewaron mein

- Manoj Kureel


4th Sher

Tere taraane se goonji waadiyaan,
Teri hi mehek hai, Aaj rahguzaron mein.

-Banno..


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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Afshan
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27th April 2004, 01:40 PM

ok.. here another shot.. lets see if I'm any better off..

1st Sher--

" Kuch alag-si rangat hai, Aaj in nazaaron mein,
Phool Khile Chahat Ke, Aaj in bahaaron mein"
(manoj kureel)

2nd Sher--

" Hal-e-dil hum kya kahen, kya aaj hai 'Gumnam' Ka,
Manzilon ki Chahat hai, Aaj in Kinaron mein."
(Gumnam)

3 sher hai...

har nishane se door dil kaid mein mehfooz tha
jameendoj hone ki khawish hai,aaj in deewaron mein

- Manoj Kureel

4th Sher

Tera karam hai humpar, aye humdum,
Kiya shumaar hume Aaj dildaaroN mein.

-Banno..

Agar ye bhi ghalat hai to please, cancel kar dijiyega, it might take too long for me to write correctly..


Tum chale jaaoge to sochenge... Humne kya khoya, humne kya paaya...
   
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Achcha Hai
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Achcha Hai - 27th April 2004, 03:30 PM

Dear Paras ji!

Apne bahut achcha kiya is Ghazal mein Shamil hokar. apne achchi koshish ki Banno ke Sher ko Durust Karne ki. Aapne Radeef-Kafiya to thik kar diya Lekin Behar ki taraf dhyan nahin diya..

The behar is not correct in these lines--"

"Tere taraane se goonji waadiyaan,
Teri hi mehek hai, Aaj rahguzaron mein"

It may be like this one-->"

" Goonji hai waadiyaan, tumhare hi tarane se,
bas tumhari hi mehak hai, Aaj rahguzaron mein""

Is it OK now??

So the Ghazal Goes Like it-->

------------------------------
" Kuch alag-si rangat hai, Aaj in nazaaron mein,
Phool Khile Chahat Ke, Aaj in bahaaron mein"
(-Manoj Kureel)

" Hal-e-dil hum kya kahen, kya aaj hai 'Gumnam' Ka,
Manzilon ki Chahat hai, Aaj in Kinaron mein."
(-Gumnam)

har nishane se door dil kaid mein mehfooz tha
jameendoj hone ki khawish hai,aaj in deewaron mein

- Manoj Kureel(To be considered by Manoj Ji)

" Goonji hai waadiyaan, tumhare hi tarane se,
bas tumhari hi mehak hai, Aaj rahguzaron mein""
(-Banno)
---------------------------------

carry on others..


----Gumnam
Take care to get what you like,
Or you will be forced to like what you get.
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Pyari Banno
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Pyari Banno - 27th April 2004, 03:34 PM

Dear Banno!

Apne Bahut achchi Koshish ki apne zazbaat utarne ki. Lekin you need to be more cautious. Aapne last reply mein likha tha that you are leaving the Ghazal and others to complete it. Its really not good. I don't want anyone of you to stop writing. Instead, I just want to prepare you as a good poet. Aur agar har koi is tarah se likhna chod dega to is forum ka kya hoga.. Aap dhire dhire samajh jayengi, waise bhi dusre ke Sher ko Continue karne mein mushkil to padti hi hai..

Aapko ek tip de raha hoon . Gaur Pharmayiga--

Firstly read out the MISRA (1st Sher) then read your Sher . Then u will get the idea..
OK??
And don't say this time that u will leave the forum.

Best of Luck!

Your Last Sher has been added to the ghazal after correction so you may post your next sher when someone other posts one

Aur haan apse ek guzarish hai ki mayoos na ho. Please rectify the same sher which you send as there is a wonderful emotion in it. OK??--

Tera karam hai humpar, aye humdum,
Kiya shumaar hume Aaj dildaaroN mein.

Bye and take care.......


----Gumnam
Take care to get what you like,
Or you will be forced to like what you get.
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Afshan
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27th April 2004, 03:50 PM

Are Gumnaam saahab, hum naahi ye ghazal chhod rahe hain, na ye forum aur likhna to kabhi nahi! Aur hum mayuus bhi nahi hai.. yahaan seekhne ke liye hi to aaye hain.. aur Mashallah, kaafi kuchh seekh bhi chuke hain.. bas, kuchh baatein humaari samajhh ke baahar hain.... Humaare kehne ka matlab tha ki agar hum sher theek se nahi likh paaein, to khamakha ghazal ruke nahi.. kyunki kya pata hum sahi sher likh paaein bhi ya nahi.. wo to Paras aur aapne theek kar diya.. warna shayad hum kum se kum aaj kuchh likh nahi paate.. bewajah waqt zaaya hota.. khair..

Thanks for your tip! ise dhyaan me rakhenge..

for continuity's sake hum ghazal phir se post kar rahe hain..


------------------------------
" Kuch alag-si rangat hai, Aaj in nazaaron mein,
Phool Khile Chahat Ke, Aaj in bahaaron mein"
(-Manoj Kureel)

" Hal-e-dil hum kya kahen, kya aaj hai 'Gumnam' Ka,
Manzilon ki Chahat hai, Aaj in Kinaron mein."
(-Gumnam)

har nishane se door dil kaid mein mehfooz tha
jameendoj hone ki khawish hai,aaj in deewaron mein

- Manoj Kureel(To be considered by Manoj Ji)

" Goonji hai waadiyaan, tumhare hi tarane se,
bas tumhari hi mehak hai, Aaj rahguzaron mein""
(-Banno)
--------------------------------



Tum chale jaaoge to sochenge... Humne kya khoya, humne kya paaya...
   
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27th April 2004, 06:36 PM

doston aaj mera bhi mann hua ki main yahan kuch likhoon…
ghazal ka 5th sher kehne ja rahi hoon..

" Kuch alag-si rangat hai, Aaj in nazaaron mein,
Phool Khile Chahat Ke, Aaj in bahaaron mein"

-Manoj Kureel

" Hal-e-dil hum kya kahen, kya aaj hai 'Gumnam' Ka,
Manzilon ki Chahat hai, Aaj in Kinaron mein."

-Gumnam

har nishane se door dil kaid mein mehfooz tha
jameendoj hone ki khawish hai,aaj in deewaron mein

- Manoj Kureel

" Goonji hai waadiyaan, tumhare hi tarane se,
bas tumhari hi mehak hai, Aaj rahguzaron mein""

-Banno


abb kya karein byan , kuch nahin baki in alfazo mein
zindagi ko dhoondhte hai, aaj saans ki janzeeron mein


Main zakhm zakhm hoon phir bhi tujhe dikhayi na doon
tadap uthoon bhi toh zalim teri duhayi na doon
(NM)
   
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