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talib
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28th April 2004, 01:02 AM

Dil mein sukoon sa paaya hai iss bazm mein ke sabhi memberaan ek doosre ki hausla afzaayee kar rahe hain aur kisi ko koi baat ka bura nahi laga.... aapni taraf se yeh imdaad pesh-e-khidmat hai...


" Kuch alag-si rangat hai, Aaj in nazaaron mein,
Phool Khile Chahat Ke, Aaj in bahaaron mein"

-Manoj Kureel

" Hal-e-dil hum kya kahen, kya aaj hai 'Gumnam' Ka,
Manzilon ki Chahat hai, Aaj in Kinaron mein."

-Gumnam

har nishane se door dil kaid mein mehfooz tha
jameendoj hone ki khawish hai,aaj in deewaron mein

- Manoj Kureel

" Goonji hai waadiyaan, tumhare hi tarane se,
bas tumhari hi mehak hai, Aaj rahguzaron mein""

-Banno


abb kya karein byan , kuch nahin baki in alfazo mein
zindagi ko dhoondhte hai, aaj saans ki janzeeron mein

-Roopali

aye dil tasallee kar le haasil hai woh bhi tujhko
bann ke maazi jo base hain hathoN ki lakeeroN mein.

-Talib.


Ta- Gor Tumhara

Talib.
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hi all of you
Old
  (#122)
anish_ekshayar
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Sad hi all of you - 28th April 2004, 09:03 AM

doston
bahut khub aaap sab ne jo likha hai uske baad mai ye soch mai pad gaya hun ke mera likhna theek hoga ya nahi fir maine ye socha ke agar mai kuchh likh deta hun to kam se kam mujhe aap sabhi bata sakenge mere sher likhne ke tarike mai koi galti to nahi fir yanhaa aap sabhi mere dost hee to hai hai na manoj bhai to silsile ko aage badata hun

" Kuch alag-si rangat hai, Aaj in nazaaron mein,
Phool Khile Chahat Ke, Aaj in bahaaron mein"

-Manoj Kureel

" Hal-e-dil hum kya kahen, kya aaj hai 'Gumnam' Ka,
Manzilon ki Chahat hai, Aaj in Kinaron mein."

-Gumnam

har nishane se door dil kaid mein mehfooz tha
jameendoj hone ki khawish hai,aaj in deewaron mein

- Manoj Kureel

" Goonji hai waadiyaan, tumhare hi tarane se,
bas tumhari hi mehak hai, Aaj rahguzaron mein""

-Banno


abb kya karein byan , kuch nahin baki in alfazo mein
zindagi ko dhoondhte hai, aaj saans ki janzeeron mein

-Roopali

aye dil tasallee kar le haasil hai woh bhi tujhko
bann ke maazi jo base hain hathoN ki lakeeroN mein.

-Talib.

jis jagah par hum mile the ,jis jagah se bichhde the..
durd kee parchhaiyan hai aaj un thikaano main !


anish

tum mujhe bhool bhi jao to ye haq hai tumko !
meri baat or hai maine to mohobbat kee hai !!


:) anish.paliwal@gmail.com:)
   
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  (#123)
Parastaar
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28th April 2004, 09:25 AM

OOOOPS!!!

Roopali aur Talib aur ab Anish...aap sabne kafiyaa pe gaur nahin kiya...

---ron Mein" Like -"Baharon mein", " nazaron mein", "Kinaron mein" "hazarron mein" jaisa ki gumnam sahib ne bataya...

aaj mujhe fakhr mehsoos ho raha hai apne sab shayar doston pe jinhone is bazm ko asli roop diya...humne iska aagaaz hee isiliey kiya thaa ke hum sab apni kalam ko zara aab de sakein....Gumnam sahib aapka tahe dil se shukriya ki aap ne fully participate kiya...yeh ghazal bhi poori karte hain...

aathvan (8th)sher likhte hain...


Kuch alag-si rangat hai, Aaj in nazaaron mein,
Phool Khile Chahat Ke, Aaj in bahaaron mein"
-Manoj Kureel

Hal-e-dil hum kya kahen, kya aaj hai 'Gumnam' Ka,
Manzilon ki Chahat hai, Aaj in Kinaron mein.
-Gumnam

har nishane se door dil kaid mein mehfooz tha
jameendoj hone ki khawish hai,aaj in deewaron mein
- Manoj Kureel

Goonji hai waadiyaan, tumhare hi tarane se,
bas tumhari hi mehak hai, Aaj rahguzaron mein
-Banno

abb kya karein byan , kuch nahin baki in alfazo mein
zindagi ko dhoondhte hai, aaj saans ki janzeeron mein
-Roopali

aye dil tasallee kar le haasil hai woh bhi tujhko
bann ke maazi jo base hain hathoN ki lakeeroN mein.
-Talib.

jis jagah par hum mile the ,jis jagah se bichhde the..
durd kee parchhaiyan hai aaj un thikaano main !
-Anish

kare laakh sitam phir bhi bhaaye hai 'paras'
wo mera mehboob hai, aaj laakhon hazzaron mein
-paras


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan

Last edited by Parastaar; 28th April 2004 at 09:28 AM..
   
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HI all
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gumnam
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HI all - 28th April 2004, 10:12 AM

Dear All!


Ab vastav mein lagta hai ki sabhi apni taraf se poori shirkat kar rahe hain..

Thank PARAS JI jo apne meri koshish ko Jayaj Thehraya.

So friends, By this Ghazal we learned a lot of things. Not only you but also i Have learned a lot.. (How??)

halanki yeh Ghazal Puri ho gayi hai par sahi mayne mein abhi bhi isme ek 'GHAZAL' kehlane ka madda nahin hai Kyunki ye ek bhikhri hui Ghazal Hai..

Sahbi likhne waalon se meri guzarish hai ki Kam-as-kam is Forum main GHAZAL ke poore taur tarike se likhen

If you need any help then i am sure that all senior shayar will help you all and me also.. Aur ek Article " The Technical Aspects of Ghazal Writing.." Jo ki is forum mein sabse pehle number par hai.. ko zaroor padhe..


khair ab is ghazal ko poora mante hue apni taraf se ek nayi ghazal shuru karne ki himakat kar raha hoon. Ummid hai ki is baar kuch aur nikhri hui shayari dekhne ko milegi. Aur sabhi log ismein shirkat karenge


Please follow rules


-----------------------

" Tum meri wafaaon Ka sila Kyon Nahi Dete"
Ya phir meri saanso ko ghata kyon nahin Dete"?

-----------------------

Appki sahuliyat ke liye Radeef aur kafiya bata raha hoon. Beher ka aap khud dhyan rakhiyega..

Radeef="Kyon nahin Dete?" ( Just copy it in the second line of ur sher)

Kafiya="aa" ki awaz like Bata,ghata,mazaa,sazaa,rula etc etc..


Best Wishes...


----Gumnam
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  (#125)
Afshan
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28th April 2004, 10:51 AM

Tum meri wafaaon Ka sila Kyon Nahi Dete"
Ya phir meri saanso ko ghata kyon nahin Dete"?

-Gumnam

Khaak hui jal kar har hasrat e mohabbat,
Bujhhti chingaariyon ko hawa kyu nahi dete?

-Banno

(Agar koi ghalati hui ho to please bata dijiyega.. hum sudhaarne ki koshish karenge..)


Tum chale jaaoge to sochenge... Humne kya khoya, humne kya paaya...
   
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  (#126)
sanjoo
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28th April 2004, 11:08 AM

Hume pata hai hum fhir gusthaki kar rahe hai kuch kehne kii ap sab shayri k jankar doston kai bich..ummid hai gar galaT likha ho to maufii ka talab gaaR hu....shukriyaa!!


Tum meri wafaaon Ka sila Kyon Nahi Dete"
Ya phir meri saanso ko ghata kyon nahin Dete"?

-Gumnam

Khaak hui jal kar har hasrat e mohabbat,
Bujhhti chingaariyon ko hawa kyu nahi dete?

-Banno

Koon jalta hai ae shama terii khaatiR
DIL tha mera aftaab warna kya bhujha nahi dete?...
-Sanjoo


Jindagi se to khair shikvaa tha,

muddato mout ne bhi tarsaaya hame..

.....

Last edited by sanjoo; 28th April 2004 at 11:12 AM..
   
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Re: HI all
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manoj kureel
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Re: HI all - 28th April 2004, 11:11 AM

Janab Gumnam
aapke sher aur aap ke margdarshan ka tahe dil se shukriya,,,,mehfil mein aapke shareeq ho jane se kuch aisi rangat aa gayi hai mano shamma khud aaj parwanon ko khoj rahi hai....aapke dilkash sher ko Banno ji behad khubsurati se aage badhaya hai....shayri ki ius behti Ganga mein ham bhi haath dhone pahunch gaye hai....ek sher arz hai,,,agar naadan se koi galti ho jaye to jaroor samjha dijiyega....aur chota bhai jaan kar muaaf kar dijiyega....



Tum meri wafaaon Ka sila Kyon Nahi Dete"
Ya phir meri saanso ko ghata kyon nahin Dete"?

-Gumnam

Khaak hui jal kar har hasrat e mohabbat,
Bujhhti chingaariyon ko hawa kyu nahi dete?

-Banno

3rd sher

Koon jalta hai ae shama terii khaatiR
DIL tha mera aftaab warna kya bhujha nahi deta...
-Sanjoo

4th sher

jeene ka maqsadab to kuch bhi nahin
marne ka bahana bata kyun nahin dete

-Manoj


apne usoolon par ham apne andaaz se chalte hai
karte hai jo "kureel" se gila karte rahein.

Last edited by manoj kureel; 28th April 2004 at 11:20 AM..
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Forth Sher
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Chaand
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Forth Sher - 28th April 2004, 11:26 AM

4th sher


Tum meri wafaaon Ka sila Kyon Nahi Dete"
Ya phir meri saanso ko ghata kyon nahin Dete"?

-Gumnam

Khaak hui jal kar har hasrat e mohabbat,
Bujhhti chingaariyon ko hawa kyu nahi dete?

-Banno

Koon jalta hai ae shama terii khaatiR
DIL tha mera aftaab warna kya bhujha nahi deta...
-Sanjoo

Badhne laga hai dard andheroN sa jami par
Tum ummeed si koi shama jala kyoN nahi dete,


Sachh bolne ka hausla to, hum bhi rakhte haiN lekin
Anjaam sochkar, aksar khaamosh hi reh jaate haiN.

- Chaand
   
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  (#129)
sanjoo
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28th April 2004, 11:27 AM

Plzzz ap humare sher ko yu padhe..shukriyaa...

Koon jalta hai ae shama terii khaatiR
DIL tha mera aftaab warna bhujha kyu nahi dete...??


Jindagi se to khair shikvaa tha,

muddato mout ne bhi tarsaaya hame..

.....
   
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HI
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HI - 28th April 2004, 11:29 AM

Dear Banno Ji!

"Khaak hui jal kar har hasrat e mohabbat,
Bujhhti chingaariyon ko hawa kyu nahi dete?"

apne is baar bahut had tak sahi likha hai. Hamesha ki tarah Zazbaton mein pura khulus hai. Radeef , Kafiya bhi thik hai Lekin bas ek kami hai wo bhi bahut choti si.. Aur woh hai Behar ka sahi na hona.

Isliye Thoda sa apke sher ko modify karna chahta hoon i hope u understand Ok??

---------------------------------------------------------
Hai Khaak hui jal kar, hasrat e mohabbat,
Chingaariyon ko Bujhhti, hawa kyu nahi dete?
---------------------------------------------------------


----Gumnam
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Or you will be forced to like what you get.
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hi
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hi - 28th April 2004, 11:30 AM

Dear sanjoo Ji

Koon jalta hai ae shama terii khaatiR
DIL tha mera aftaab warna kya bhujha nahi deta...

Muafi Chahta hoon par apne mera pehla sher wala article nahin padha Shayad. Apki is galti ko in shabdonmein batana Chahoonga-->"
" Na Radeef hai, Na hai kafiya
Tu bata mujhe, ki bataoo kya?
Maine tumko tha ek 'Clue' diya,
jo nahi padha, to bataoo kya?"

Isliye please Sher ko durust kariye sahab aur bura mat maniyega!


----Gumnam
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HI Manoj Ji!
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gumnam
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HI Manoj Ji! - 28th April 2004, 11:34 AM

Respected Manoj Ji (Kyunki aap mujhse bade hai)

jeene ka maqsadab to kuch bhi nahin
marne ka bahana bata kyun nahin dete

Kehte hue sankoch ho raha hai, ki apke is sher mein Behar ki kami hai. Waise aapne jo Shabd likhe hai, jo Kafiya use kiya hai, woh kabile- tarif hai..

Muaf kijiye Ghazal ko continue karne ke liye thoda sa Change kar raha hoon-->

-------------------------------------------------------
jeene ka maqsad ab to, kuch bhi nahin baki,
marne ka bahana bhi bata kyun nahin dete?
--------------------------------------------------------


Thanks...


----Gumnam
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sanjoo
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28th April 2004, 11:38 AM

Dear Mr.gumnam...shukriyaaa..iss liye to yaha post kiyaa thaa.. khaiR....chalta hai...paras...waise tumne hum jaise zaahiloo ko aaiina dikhane ka achha taRika nikala hai..naa... lage raho lage rahoo...allah de hawaale hum to safar ko chalte hai...khuda kare ap ki bazm yuu hii rosha rahe ye hii dua hai....byeeeeeeee!!!


Jindagi se to khair shikvaa tha,

muddato mout ne bhi tarsaaya hame..

.....

Last edited by sanjoo; 28th April 2004 at 11:42 AM..
   
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HI all
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HI all - 28th April 2004, 11:43 AM

Dear Chaand JI!

Badhne laga hai dard andheroN sa jami par
Tum ummeed si koi shama jala kyoN nahi dete,

Aapne Bahut Achcha aur Zazbaati Sher likha hai. Bas thoda sa chage zaroori hai-->

--------------------------------------------------------
Badhne laga hai dard andheroN sa jami par
Tum ummeed-e-shama koi, jala kyoN nahi dete?
--------------------------------------------------------


Aur haan Plz Next time when anyone writes his/her sher Copy the following lines in the end so that everyone takes care OK??-->

Radeef="Kyon nahin Dete?" ( Just copy it in the second line of ur sher)

Kafiya="aa" ki awaz like Bata,ghata,mazaa,sazaa,rula etc etc..

To doston Ghazal is tarah se parva chadi hai--

---------------------------------------------------------
Tum meri wafaaon Ka sila Kyon Nahi Dete"
Ya phir meri saanso ko ghata kyon nahin Dete"?

-Gumnam

Hai Khaak hui jal kar, hasrat e mohabbat,
Chingaariyon ko Bujhhti, hawa kyu nahi dete?

-Banno

jeene ka maqsad ab to, kuch bhi nahin baki,
marne ka bahana bhi bata kyun nahin dete?

-Manoj Kureel

Badhne laga hai dard andheroN sa jami par
Tum ummeed-e-shama koi, jala kyoN nahi dete?

-Chand
-----------------------------------------------------

Byeeeeeeee


----Gumnam
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Dear Sanju!
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Dear Sanju! - 28th April 2004, 11:48 AM

Dear Sanju Ji!


Lagta hai aap Hamari baat Ka bura maan Gaye. lekin Ye baat sahi hai ki Ghazal Likhne se pehle uske kayde pata hone chahiye.

Jis tarah hindi ya english likhte samay hum 'vyakaran' ya 'grammer' ka dhyan rakhte hain usi tarah Sher-o-shayari main bhi zaroori hai.

Aur please Bura mat maniye apni Galtiyon se sikhne ki koshish kijiye..

Paras ji, manoj Ji, Chand Ji and all

Aap zara muje batiye ki kya main galat to nahin kar raha hoon.?
Aur agar nahin to aap log bhi mera sath dijiye main akeyla kab tak is tarah ke replies ko handle karta rahoonga??


Ok???

So continue writing...


----Gumnam
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sanjoo
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28th April 2004, 12:00 PM

Mr.gumnam..arey yaar ap bhii na kaha humaree bato k chakkr mai pad gaye...yaar humare doston se kuch aese talukh hai kii...thodii bohot mazaak karne kii chhut de rakhii hai...ab kyaa hai ki agar ap kuch panne palte to humare na likhne par hume..akdoo kaha gaya thaa..paras jii ne..ab woh to unkii zarra nawajii hai jo hume iss layak samjhtii hai warrna humne to shuru se kaha thaa....hume to ABCD bhii nahii aatii hai shayri kii yaar..par socha thaa kii kuch aa_e baa_e likh doo takii...sab dost waise hii haath jhoD le bhai bohot hua ab nahii sanjoooooo... to hum apne maqsad mai kamayab huve....lol...khaiR ap sach mai kuch na soche.....ap shayri.com mai achha kaam kar rahe hai...yuu hii karte rahe.....aur haan yaar ap ko manoj aur paras rakesh se puchne ki koyii zarurat nahi....woh sab ap k saath hai....khush rahiiye....hume IajazaT de.....byeeeeeeeee..Sanju!


Jindagi se to khair shikvaa tha,

muddato mout ne bhi tarsaaya hame..

.....
   
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shukriya
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Chaand
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shukriya - 28th April 2004, 12:11 PM

Dear gumnaam ji aap bhale hi umr me chote haiN par is.se aapki kaabliyat chhoti nahi ho jaati .....

apne vichar kisi ko bhi bure nahi lagte... ye to dusra hi behtar bata sakta hai...

ab mera ye sher hi lijiye..

Badhne laga hai dard andheroN sa jami par
Tum ummeed si koi shama jala kyoN nahi dete,

mujhe khud kuchh maza nahi aa raha tha...

Tum ummeed si ko shama... kuchh atpata lag raha tha...

aapki modification....Tum ummeed-e-shama koi...

parhte hi laga ke ye maine kyoN nahi socha....

Shukriya tahe dil se shukriya...


Sachh bolne ka hausla to, hum bhi rakhte haiN lekin
Anjaam sochkar, aksar khaamosh hi reh jaate haiN.

- Chaand
   
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28th April 2004, 12:32 PM

Chand


Shukriya ki apne meri feelings ko sahi samjha.

Ky aap apne asli naam batane ka kasht karengi/karenge??

if yes then PM me. Ok??


----Gumnam
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talib
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28th April 2004, 02:41 PM

Talib-

Mujhe haD se guzarne ka koi shauq nahi hai
meri haD kya hai mujhko bata kyon nahi dete.


Ta- Gor Tumhara

Talib.
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roopali
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28th April 2004, 04:39 PM

Gumnam ji mujhe itni knowledge nahin hai likhne ki..but sikhna jaroor chahoongi
Well ek sher post kar rahi hoon….i knw jaroor galtiyan hongi & I hope ki aap sab usse sudhar denge issi bahane main bhi kuch sikh jaoongi..shukriya.
Ghazal ka 6th sher

Tum meri wafaaon Ka sila Kyon Nahi Dete"
Ya phir meri saanso ko ghata kyon nahin Dete"?

-Gumnam

Hai Khaak hui jal kar, hasrat e mohabbat,
Chingaariyon ko Bujhhti, hawa kyu nahi dete?

-Banno

jeene ka maqsad ab to, kuch bhi nahin baki,
marne ka bahana bhi bata kyun nahin dete?

-Manoj Kureel

Badhne laga hai dard andheroN sa jami par
Tum ummeed-e-shama koi, jala kyoN nahi dete?

-Chand

Mujhe haD se guzarne ka koi shauq nahi hai
meri haD kya hai mujhko bata kyon nahi dete.

-Talib

Rookhsat hui ja rahi hain khushiyan sabhi
Tum bachi hui aas ko bhi baha kyon nahin dete?


Main zakhm zakhm hoon phir bhi tujhe dikhayi na doon
tadap uthoon bhi toh zalim teri duhayi na doon
(NM)
   
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sher
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masoom_s
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sher - 28th April 2004, 04:49 PM

koshish ki hai kuch likhne ki umeed hai shayri ke kayde par hoga

yadon ka dariya simat kar ek boond reh gaya hai,
is boond ko 'masoom' aankhon se baha kyon nahi dete.

-masoom


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gumnam
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28th April 2004, 05:14 PM

HI Rupali ji!

Kaisi hain aap??

Rookhsat hui ja rahi hain khushiyan sabhi
Tum bachi hui aas ko bhi baha kyon nahin dete?

Bahut achcha likha hai aapne aur galtiyan bhi bilkul na ke barabar hai. Bas behar ko makool karne ke liye kuch mimnor change kar raha hoon.

----------------------------------------------------------
Rookhsat si ho rahi hain khushiyan meri sabhi,
Tum bachi hui aas ko bhi baha kyon nahin dete?
----------------------------------------------------------


Dear Masoom JI


yadon ka dariya simat kar ek boond reh gaya hai,
is boond ko 'masoom' aankhon se baha kyon nahi dete.


Bada Masoom Sa Sher Likha Hai apne. Ek Gustakhi karne ki muafi Chahta hoon. ki aap ka naam 'masoom' Behar ke sath fit nahi ho raha hai isliye ise hata dijiye.

Other wise the Sher is perfect in Radef and Kafiya.. UUn hi likhte rahiye..
-------------------------------------------------------------------
yadon ka dariya simat kar ek boond reh gaya hai,
is boond ko aankhon se baha kyon nahi dete.
--------------------------------------------------------------------


----Gumnam
Take care to get what you like,
Or you will be forced to like what you get.
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hi all
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gumnam
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hi all - 28th April 2004, 05:16 PM

Continued Ghazal --->

--------------------------------------------------------------
Tum meri wafaaon Ka sila Kyon Nahi Dete"
Ya phir meri saanso ko ghata kyon nahin Dete"?

-Gumnam

Hai Khaak hui jal kar, hasrat e mohabbat,
Chingaariyon ko Bujhhti, hawa kyu nahi dete?

-Banno

jeene ka maqsad ab to, kuch bhi nahin baki,
marne ka bahana bhi bata kyun nahin dete?

-Manoj Kureel

Badhne laga hai dard andheroN sa jami par
Tum ummeed-e-shama koi, jala kyoN nahi dete?

-Chand

Mujhe haD se guzarne ka koi shauq nahi hai
meri haD kya hai mujhko bata kyon nahi dete.

-Talib

Rookhsat si ho rahi hain khushiyan meri sabhi,
Tum bachi hui aas ko bhi baha kyon nahin dete?


-roops

yadon ka dariya simat kar ek boond reh gaya,
is boond ko aankhon se baha kyon nahi dete.

-masoom
-----------------------------------------------------------

Bas ab aapko Makta (Akhiri Sher) Likhna hai aur ek lazawab GHazal Tayyar Ho Gayi


Byeeeeeeeeee


----Gumnam
Take care to get what you like,
Or you will be forced to like what you get.
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anish_ekshayar
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silsila - 28th April 2004, 05:30 PM

Tum meri wafaaon Ka sila Kyon Nahi Dete"
Ya phir meri saanso ko ghata kyon nahin Dete"?

-Gumnam

Hai Khaak hui jal kar, hasrat e mohabbat,
Chingaariyon ko Bujhhti, hawa kyu nahi dete?

-Banno

jeene ka maqsad ab to, kuch bhi nahin baki,
marne ka bahana bhi bata kyun nahin dete?

-Manoj Kureel

Badhne laga hai dard andheroN sa jami par
Tum ummeed-e-shama koi, jala kyoN nahi dete?

-Chand

Mujhe haD se guzarne ka koi shauq nahi hai
meri haD kya hai mujhko bata kyon nahi dete.

-Talib

Rookhsat hui ja rahi hain khushiyan sabhi
Tum bachi hui aas ko bhi baha kyon nahin dete?
-Roopali

yadon ka dariya simat kar ek boond reh gaya hai,
is boond ko 'masoom' aankhon se baha kyon nahi dete.

-masoom

ruk ruk ke subakne se to achha yahi hoga
ek baar hee jee bhur ke rula kyon nahi dete

-anish


anish

tum mujhe bhool bhi jao to ye haq hai tumko !
meri baat or hai maine to mohobbat kee hai !!


:) anish.paliwal@gmail.com:)
   
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28th April 2004, 05:50 PM

Aadab,
Main ek chhoti si kowshish hai, umeed karti hun aap sab aakar isse age badayenge.......shukriya.
First sher:

Pyaar ki pyaasi yeaha kam na honge,
Do Jaahan bhulane wale hum na honge




*Aapni Parwaaz-e-Takhayyull Hain Zamane Se Juda
Jiss Jagah Koyi Na Pahuncha Wahaan Tak Pahunche
Main Samajhta Huun Harr Dil Mein Khuda Rehta Hain
Mera Paigam Mohabbat Hain Jaahan Tak Pahunche**
*~~~Ahsan Sherazi Jee~~~**

*Pure Love**
   
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dousra sher...
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Amanush...
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Love dousra sher... - 28th April 2004, 06:08 PM

Pyaar ki pyaasi yeaha kam na honge,
Do Jaahan bhulane wale hum na honge

Dousra sher

Ghataaon se saawan ke pyaas abhi kam na honge
Dekhlo sanam,eisse sitam sehne ko hum na honge...

Amanush...



Jeene ke liye mujhe ek sapna dedo
Haqeekat meri jaaN liye jaa rahi hai

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hi
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anish_ekshayar
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Love hi - 28th April 2004, 06:30 PM

Pyaar ki pyaasi yeaha kam na honge,
Do Jaahan bhulane wale hum na honge

-shimul

Ghataaon se saawan ke pyaas abhi kam na honge
Dekhlo sanam,eisse sitam sehne ko hum na honge...

-Amanush

wo kaisa dil hai jisme pyaar kee talab na hogi
wo kaisi basti hai jisme koi bhi gum na honge


anish

tum mujhe bhool bhi jao to ye haq hai tumko !
meri baat or hai maine to mohobbat kee hai !!


:) anish.paliwal@gmail.com:)
   
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Parastaar
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29th April 2004, 05:22 AM

I applaud everyone's effort...in putting together a wonderful ghazal!!!

Gumnam Sahib...

i really appreciate the way you just took on this post of putting us on the right path...but i do not want this thing to go out of hand, so may I suggest something....pls let everyone write what they want to...let the flow of jazzbaat just flow..it is supposed to be a fun bazm...plz do not make it so intense…and then in the end take all shers and critique them...ask the writer to modify and we have a discussion of the whole ghazal at that point...once the ghazal seems correct...we post the whole thing and invite the shayars/shayras to start a new one...

see we are all novice writers...and just need a nudge here and there...not harsh criticism...polite guidance is what i would suggest in this bazm...plz keep that in mind when critiquing...

Dosto, what do you think? Dekhiey humne yeh thread isliey nahin shuroo kiya ki hum professional shayars ho jaayein...balki isliey ki hamare jazzbaat sahi dhang se ghazal ya peotry ka roop le sakein...Talib...aap apni raye yahan deinge tau behtar rahega...Sharaabi Sahib bhi yahan nahin hain...

aur ab Shimul ji main aapki ghazal ko aage badhate huye....dobarara sab sher post karti hoon...

1st sher

Pyaar ki pyaasi yeaha kam na honge,
Do Jaahan bhulane wale hum na honge
-shimul

2nd sher

Ghataaon se saawan ke pyaas abhi kam na honge
Dekhlo sanam,eisse sitam sehne ko hum na honge...
-Amanush

3rd sher

wo kaisa dil hai jisme pyaar kee talab na hogi
wo kaisi basti hai jisme koi bhi gum na honge
-Anish

4th sher

gulon se mehkega phir yeh chaman zaar
go tishnagi mein doobe hum tum na honge
-paras


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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hum na hine
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hum na hine - 29th April 2004, 10:29 AM

tere khwabon ki mehfil main gul-e-gulzaar bhi honge
gulshan isko banane wale hum na honge

-masoom


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sanjoo
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29th April 2004, 11:19 AM

Paras......mera tau bass ye Maan na hai ki ap yaha apne jassbat ya yu kaho dard ko kagaz par samet te ho...aur unko koyii kisi paiMane rakh kar dekhe..kii bhai dard ka baya karne ka tareeka apka galat hai.....ye humare samjh mai nahi aata....kyu kii hum jo likhte hai woh koyii manjhe huve shayr nahi hai jo ye kaam duniya kii khushi k liye... yaa....iska vyaVsa_iiK roop hai koyii...bass likhte dil k liye dil ki khatiR.....aur joo apno se juude hai unko apne jassbat samjhane kii khaaTir.....hum likhne aur uss par dHeRoo galtiyaa sune ko mile to...kyaa matlab yu likhne ka ya dard sunane ka...jo kisi paiMane mai padhe jate hoo...jinhe maaPaa jata ho...
Arey...yaha likhna to gunaH ho gaya.....har insaan k apne jassbat hote hai unko bayan karne ka apna tarika hota hai....usko ap sahii ya galat kaise kardete ho.....kyaa ap jante ho..uss insaan par kyaa guzaree hoii jab woh ye likh raha hogaa.....kabhii bhii nahii...bass mehsus kiya jaa sakta hai ....uske liye ek khubsurat DIL chahiiye....
Ye radeef ye kafiyaa..apni jagah sahii hai....unkaa upyoG bhii hona chahiiye par sirf aur sirf.....Mr.GumnaM.ya unn manjhe huve shayro ke waste...jo bade jankar hai....yaar...itne bade jankar ho ap to..gumnamii kai andheroo mai kyaa kar rahe hoo ...khul k aaiiye huzuur....Mana hum koyii ladkii nahii par itnne bure to nahii...jo galat sabit kar kai....dubara puche bhii nahii ki bhai ap shayri.com chhod to nahi rahe hai....humaree baat burii to nahi lagii..jhute hii puch loo bhii..u know what i mean...

Huzuur apne fnna ka isstmal karoo par....uss dard ko mehsus karne ki kabiiliyta bhii rakhooo...ummr chhoti hai apkii...Mr.gumnam...akll badii paii hai.....par dil abhii bhii chhota hai...dil ka karobar hai dost....jara sambhal kar.....yaha apni ussTaDgii USE...jara kam karo...warrna sab k dilo ko chhalnii kar doge.......salaah hai.....kyu kii kafii waqt hu yaha mai....koyii chhup rah kar apki baat sune to..khud ko usstaad samjhe kii bhul na kar baithnaa......Mr.gumnam!!!!

Shayri.com k mere dosto.....ho sakta hai mai kuch jayada bol gaya hu....par...mujhe pata hai yaha mai shayri shikhne nahii aaya hu.....nahi sikhane...bass apne dil k jassbat ko halka karne aata hu....gar iss mai koyii mujhe taklif pahuchye....kya fayada yaha aane ka aur kuch likhne ka....koyii pyaar se bole to uskii bate sar ankho par....gar koyii apke jassbato ko.......jane doo.....bass bohot hua.....paras sorry......par ap ko pata hai mai yu hii hu....ap bura na mane.....Sanju!


Jindagi se to khair shikvaa tha,

muddato mout ne bhi tarsaaya hame..

.....
   
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manoj kureel
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29th April 2004, 11:24 AM

1st sher

Pyaar ki pyaasi yeaha kam na honge,
Do Jaahan bhulane wale hum na honge
-shimul

2nd sher

Ghataaon se saawan ke pyaas abhi kam na honge
Dekhlo sanam,eisse sitam sehne ko hum na honge...
-Amanush

3rd sher

wo kaisa dil hai jisme pyaar kee talab na hogi
wo kaisi basti hai jisme koi bhi gum na honge
-Anish

4th sher

gulon se mehkega phir yeh chaman zaar
go tishnagi mein doobe hum tum na honge
-paras

5 sher
tere khwabon ki mehfil main gul-e-gulzaar bhi honge
gulshan isko banane wale hum na honge
-masoom




aur 6th sher

utha liya jab jaam tere naam par "kureel"
ashkon ko peene wale ham na honge

-Manoj


apne usoolon par ham apne andaaz se chalte hai
karte hai jo "kureel" se gila karte rahein.
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roopali
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29th April 2004, 01:12 PM

1st sher

Pyaar ki pyaasi yeaha kam na honge,
Do Jaahan bhulane wale hum na honge
-shimul

2nd sher

Ghataaon se saawan ke pyaas abhi kam na honge
Dekhlo sanam,eisse sitam sehne ko hum na honge...
-Amanush

3rd sher

wo kaisa dil hai jisme pyaar kee talab na hogi
wo kaisi basti hai jisme koi bhi gum na honge
-Anish

4th sher

gulon se mehkega phir yeh chaman zaar
go tishnagi mein doobe hum tum na honge
-paras

5 sher
tere khwabon ki mehfil main gul-e-gulzaar bhi honge
gulshan isko banane wale hum na honge
-masoom

6th sher

utha liya jab jaam tere naam par "kureel"
ashkon ko peene wale ham na honge

-Manoj
7th sher
sehra mein phool khilne kam na honge
baarish mein bheegne wale hum na honge


Main zakhm zakhm hoon phir bhi tujhe dikhayi na doon
tadap uthoon bhi toh zalim teri duhayi na doon
(NM)
   
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romance
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29th April 2004, 08:06 PM

ek zara si barish say jo dhul jayain
yun mitnay walay meray zakhum na hongay
   
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Shimul
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29th April 2004, 08:16 PM

1st sher

Pyaar ki pyaasi yeaha kam na honge,
Do Jaahan bhulane wale hum na honge
-shimul

2nd sher

Ghataaon se saawan ke pyaas abhi kam na honge
Dekhlo sanam,eisse sitam sehne ko hum na honge...
-Amanush

3rd sher

wo kaisa dil hai jisme pyaar kee talab na hogi
wo kaisi basti hai jisme koi bhi gum na honge
-Anish

4th sher

gulon se mehkega phir yeh chaman zaar
go tishnagi mein doobe hum tum na honge
-paras

5 sher
tere khwabon ki mehfil main gul-e-gulzaar bhi honge
gulshan isko banane wale hum na honge
-masoom

6th sher

utha liya jab jaam tere naam par "kureel"
ashkon ko peene wale ham na honge

-Manoj

7th sher
sehra mein phool khilne kam na honge
baarish mein bheegne wale hum na honge

-Roops

8th and final sher.

ek zara si barish say jo dhul jayain
yun mitnay walay meray zakhum na hongay

-Romance

Bohot achha laga, aap sabhi ne yeaha par aapna sher likhkar aaj mujhe bohot hi khushi dedi hai. Dilki gehraion se shukriya qabul farmaiyega....... Khush rahiye yeh Duwaon ke sath izazat chahungi. Aapna khayal rakhiyega. God bless you all.

Just Loved it...Keep smilling.......


*Aapni Parwaaz-e-Takhayyull Hain Zamane Se Juda
Jiss Jagah Koyi Na Pahuncha Wahaan Tak Pahunche
Main Samajhta Huun Harr Dil Mein Khuda Rehta Hain
Mera Paigam Mohabbat Hain Jaahan Tak Pahunche**
*~~~Ahsan Sherazi Jee~~~**

*Pure Love**
   
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khan
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29th April 2004, 11:32 PM

Ek nayi ghazal ka aaghaaz kar raha hoon plz aage likhiyega.

Ek kali hans parhi thi bahut din hue
Chaand tha chaandni thi bahut din hue


regards
Sahil Khan
   
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romance
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29th April 2004, 11:43 PM

ab to haath ko haath sujhai nahin daita
yahan bhi kabhi roshni thi buhut din howay
   
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gumnam
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30th April 2004, 11:03 AM

Bahut hi Sunder aur Wazni Matla hai Janab

Likhne se rok nahi paa raha hoon...


Sabko milta hai Badla Wafa Karne Ka
Baat yeh bhi suni thi bahut din hue

-Gumnam


Ghazal till now--

------------------------------------------------------------
Ek kali hans parhi thi bahut din hue
Chaand tha chaandni thi bahut din hue

-Sahil Khan

ab to haath ko haath sujhai nahin daita
yahan bhi kabhi roshni thi buhut din howay

-romance

Sabko milta hai Badla Wafa Karne Ka
Baat yeh bhi suni thi bahut din hue

-Gumnam
-------------------------------------------------------------


----Gumnam
Take care to get what you like,
Or you will be forced to like what you get.
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Mayank
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Mayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.comMayank is the among the best Shayars at Shayri.com
 
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30th April 2004, 02:42 PM

DostooN,

Bahut hi khubsurat mehfil sazaa rakhii hai aap sab ne. Hum bhi kuch siirkat karnaa chahene umeed hai aap sab ko pasand aayegaa.

Ghazal kaa 4th sher likh rahaa hooN.

Yah baat aure hai, hume mili bewafaaii,
rasm~E~wafa pahchaani thii bahut din huae..



Ghazal till now

Ek kali hans parhi thi bahut din hue
Chaand tha chaandni thi bahut din hue

-Sahil Khan

ab to haath ko haath sujhai nahin daita
yahan bhi kabhi roshni thi buhut din howay

-romance

Sabko milta hai Badla Wafa Karne Ka
Baat yeh bhi suni thi bahut din hue

-Gumnam


Yah baat aure hai, hume mili bewafaaii ,
rasm~E~wafa pahchaanii thii bahut din huai.

-Mayank



buraa jo dekhan mai.n Chalaa, buraa naa milyaa koye
jo mann Khojaa apnaa to mujh se buraa naa koye


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manoj kureel
Kureel
manoj kureel is a glorious beacon of lightmanoj kureel is a glorious beacon of lightmanoj kureel is a glorious beacon of lightmanoj kureel is a glorious beacon of lightmanoj kureel is a glorious beacon of lightmanoj kureel is a glorious beacon of light
 
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30th April 2004, 05:38 PM

khiza ke phool ka dard kisne jana hai
bahaaron ki jab rawani thi bahot din hue

-Manoj


apne usoolon par ham apne andaaz se chalte hai
karte hai jo "kureel" se gila karte rahein.
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Parastaar
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30th April 2004, 05:49 PM

Chatta (6th)sher

Ghazal till now

Ek kali hans parhi thi bahut din hue
Chaand tha chaandni thi bahut din hue

-Sahil Khan

ab to haath ko haath sujhai nahin daita
yahan bhi kabhi roshni thi buhut din howay

-romance

Sabko milta hai Badla Wafa Karne Ka
Baat yeh bhi suni thi bahut din hue

-Gumnam


Yah baat aure hai, hume mili bewafaaii ,
rasm~E~wafa pahchaanii thii bahut din huai.

-Mayank

khiza ke phool ka dard kisne jana hai
bahaaron ki jab rawani thi bahot din hue

-Manoj

hasrat-e-parwaaz humein bhi thee
jab unki meherbani thi bahot din hue

-paras


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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