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Dil ko mere...
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Rohin
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Dil ko mere... - 2nd March 2005, 03:50 PM

Ek ehsaas hai mera....

dil ko mere, mere dard ka aaina bana diya
Sharaab pe zindagi ko ek maikhana bana diya

Subha thi beet gayi, raat ki na koi khabar
Zindagi ko ek shaam jo beete na, bana diya

Saagar ki gehrai na nazar mein, na hi dikhe kinara
Beech majdhar mein chod, mushkil jeena bana diya

Thi jiske zindagi mein Saaz-o-aawaz basi hui
Ek chubti hui khamosh de kar veerana bana diya

Berang thi duniya rang ka na koi nisha.N
Pyaar ke rang bhar kar deewanan bana diya

Beete hue lamho ko qaid kar ke dil mein
In yaadon ke moti ko piro afsaana bana diya

Duniya ne maari thokar, Apno ne begana bana diya
Gum ne "Rohin"apnakar, Khushi ne begana bana diya

Thanks
Rohin


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prakashraj94
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2nd March 2005, 07:18 PM

Rohin Bhai
Aapki yeh shayri mere dil ke bhi bahoot kareeb se gujarti hai.

Berang thi duniya rang ka na koi nisha.N
Pyaar ke rang bhar kar deewanan bana diya

Beete hue lamho ko qaid kar ke dil mein
In yaadon ke moti ko piro afsaana bana diya

Duniya ne maari thokar, Apno ne begana bana diya
Gum ne "Rohin"apnakar, Khushi ne begana bana diya


Mujhe abhi Javed sb ka ek sher yaad aa raha hai -

" HADSA BAN KAR KOI KHWAB BIKHAR JAYE TO KYA HO?
WAQT ZAJBAATON KO TABDIL NAHI KAR SAKTA.
DOOR HO JANE SE EHSAS MARR NAHI SAKTA.
YEH RISHTA HAI DILON KA RISHTA -
JO ZAMEENO KI TARAH SHARHADON ME NAHI BADAL SAKTA.
TU KISI AOUR KI RAATON KA HASEEN CHAND HI SAHI,
MERI HAR RAH KI MANZIL TU HAI. "

Bas Itna hi. Yaar sach me .....

Nice sher


Sachhi Dosti Hi Sachha Pyaar Hai
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Re: Dil ko mere...
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Re: Dil ko mere... - 2nd March 2005, 07:23 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Rohin
Ek ehsaas hai mera....

dil ko mere, mere dard ka aaina bana diya
Sharaab pe zindagi ko ek maikhana bana diya

Subha thi beet gayi, raat ki na koi khabar
Zindagi ko ek shaam jo beete na, bana diya

Saagar ki gehrai na nazar mein, na hi dikhe kinara
Beech majdhar mein chod, mushkil jeena bana diya

Thi jiske zindagi mein Saaz-o-aawaz basi hui
Ek chubti hui khamosh de kar veerana bana diya

Berang thi duniya rang ka na koi nisha.N
Pyaar ke rang bhar kar deewanan bana diya

Beete hue lamho ko qaid kar ke dil mein
In yaadon ke moti ko piro afsaana bana diya

Duniya ne maari thokar, Apno ne begana bana diya
Gum ne "Rohin"apnakar, Khushi ne begana bana diya

Thanks
Rohin
rohiN ...

wakai khayal jawaN hai jo dil maiN ek tasveer jaroor banata hai .... sach insaan bhi ek pani ka jarra hai jo kisi bhi roop main dhal sakta hai aur jindgi ki to bat hi kya kije ... technically door hai shayri ki bareekiyoN se .. par ehsaas jawan hai ... meri daad kabool kareN ...

aapka apna

kunal


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Zeba
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2nd March 2005, 07:31 PM

wah wah kya kehne

Beete hue lamho ko qaid kar ke dil mein
In yaadon ke moti ko piro afsaana bana diya
bohot hi accha likha hai aap ne

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Rohin
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2nd March 2005, 10:21 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by prakashraj94
Rohin Bhai
Aapki yeh shayri mere dil ke bhi bahoot kareeb se gujarti hai.

Berang thi duniya rang ka na koi nisha.N
Pyaar ke rang bhar kar deewanan bana diya

Beete hue lamho ko qaid kar ke dil mein
In yaadon ke moti ko piro afsaana bana diya

Duniya ne maari thokar, Apno ne begana bana diya
Gum ne "Rohin"apnakar, Khushi ne begana bana diya


Mujhe abhi Javed sb ka ek sher yaad aa raha hai -

" HADSA BAN KAR KOI KHWAB BIKHAR JAYE TO KYA HO?
WAQT ZAJBAATON KO TABDIL NAHI KAR SAKTA.
DOOR HO JANE SE EHSAS MARR NAHI SAKTA.
YEH RISHTA HAI DILON KA RISHTA -
JO ZAMEENO KI TARAH SHARHADON ME NAHI BADAL SAKTA.
TU KISI AOUR KI RAATON KA HASEEN CHAND HI SAHI,
MERI HAR RAH KI MANZIL TU HAI. "

Bas Itna hi. Yaar sach me .....

Nice sher
Hi Prakash,

I am glad you liked what i wrote and really thanks for appreciating

Thanks
Rohin


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Re: Re: Dil ko mere...
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Rohin
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Re: Re: Dil ko mere... - 2nd March 2005, 10:23 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by sacccha_pyar
rohiN ...

wakai khayal jawaN hai jo dil maiN ek tasveer jaroor banata hai .... sach insaan bhi ek pani ka jarra hai jo kisi bhi roop main dhal sakta hai aur jindgi ki to bat hi kya kije ... technically door hai shayri ki bareekiyoN se .. par ehsaas jawan hai ... meri daad kabool kareN ...

aapka apna

kunal
Hi Kunal bhai,

Bahut shukriya mere ehsaas ko padhne ka aur saharne ka.
Jaanta hoon ki Shayri ki barikyon se bahut duur hai...Magar khayal dil se nikal jaayein to dil ke ehsaas kho sakte hain ..
thanks once again for replying

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Rohin


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Rohin
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2nd March 2005, 10:25 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Zeba
wah wah kya kehne

Beete hue lamho ko qaid kar ke dil mein
In yaadon ke moti ko piro afsaana bana diya
bohot hi accha likha hai aap ne

zeba
Zeba ji bahut din baad aapko Shayri ki galiyon mein dekh raha hoon. Yaahan aap aaye iske liye shukriya

Thanks
Rohin


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3rd March 2005, 12:09 AM

hey Rohin. wow amazing. another one of ur really touching poems. loved it a lot. its fantastic. keep riting buddy. keep smilin always too. good luk n best wishes always.

tc


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Rohin
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3rd March 2005, 12:16 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by reemzi
hey Rohin. wow amazing. another one of ur really touching poems. loved it a lot. its fantastic. keep riting buddy. keep smilin always too. good luk n best wishes always.

tc
Hi Reema,

Thanks a lot for appreciating it.
When there are people like you to encourage i will keep writing

Thanks
Rohin


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hi
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hi - 3rd March 2005, 01:18 AM

rohin kayi baar jab hum kuch padhte hai to soch me dub jaate hai, ya phir sochtey hai itna karwa sach kisi ne itni asani se, itne sidhe se kaise likh dala....bahut mushkil kaam hai, aur kya kahu. i luved every line of this..for the reason that...it took me to deep thoughts...and shocked me to think that how true it really is!

Subha thi beet gayi, raat ki na koi khabar
Zindagi ko ek shaam jo beete na, bana diya
--------> person who is in this situation knows for real whats its like ne beetne wali shaam!

Saagar ki gehrai na nazar mein, na hi dikhe kinara
Beech majdhar mein chod, mushkil jeena bana diya
-----> hai dil ko chu gayi ye lines....seene cheer gayi ...beech majhdhar chod kar mushkil jeena bana diya !!

Thi jiske zindagi mein Saaz-o-aawaz basi hui
Ek chubti hui khamosh de kar veerana bana diya
------> mehfil jise kehtey they aaj viraanna bana diya.....

Berang thi duniya rang ka na koi nisha.N
Pyaar ke rang bhar kar deewanan bana diya
-----> pyar ka rang hai hi aisa....jab aatta hai sab kuch leke aur agar chala jata hai sab kuch leke.....pyar ka rang bhar kar deewana bana diya.....to be in luv is the awesome feeling one can feel...if we felt it for sure we are lucky...jutha hi sahi koyi humse pyar kare....cuz pyar jutha ya sacha nahi pyar hi hota hai...the feeling of luv is so true......and deep

Beete hue lamho ko qaid kar ke dil mein
In yaadon ke moti ko piro afsaana bana diya
-----> in yaadon ke moti ko afsana bana diya....kya kahu...shabd kam hai. yaadon ka afsana ban'na...darr lagta hai yaar,

Duniya ne maari thokar, Apno ne begana bana diya
Gum ne "Rohin"apnakar, Khushi ne begana bana diya
----------->> uff this is awesome...kya kya keh na diya tumne in lines mein........gum ne apnaya aur khushi ne begana bana diya??
i cant explain what i feel to read these words...

gum ne apnaya khushi ne kiya begana
shayad yahi hai us khuda ka hame satane ka bahana?
pehley pyar kiya phir choda phir vaapis aa gaye sanam bankar...
kya kya situm na kiye gaye humpar...kaise kaise kiya hame deewana.?

Priya


Akhihaan milaake chan'na paavi na Judayi Vey .......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jisnu Lagey, ohi'yo jaane, Kaun Jaane peer parayi!


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3rd March 2005, 07:15 AM

Rohin bhai wonderfull, tumhara likna humesha kud ke zimedari darshata hai. Acha laga pad ke....


The higher you go, steeper will be the valley and greater will be the fall.

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Re: Dil ko mere...
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Pulkit_gupta
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Re: Dil ko mere... - 3rd March 2005, 02:39 PM

dil ko mere, mere dard ka aaina bana diya
Sharaab pe zindagi ko ek maikhana bana diya

Subha thi beet gayi, raat ki na koi khabar
Zindagi ko ek shaam jo beete na, bana diya

Waaahh... bahut khoob!


Saagar ki gehrai na nazar mein, na hi dikhe kinara
Beech majdhar mein chod, mushkil jeena bana diya

Thi jiske zindagi mein Saaz-o-aawaz basi hui
Ek chubti hui khamosh de kar veerana bana diya

Coool Mann...


Berang thi duniya rang ka na koi nisha.N
Pyaar ke rang bhar kar deewanan bana diya

Beete hue lamho ko qaid kar ke dil mein
In yaadon ke moti ko piro afsaana bana diya

Waaahhh!


Duniya ne maari thokar, Apno ne begana bana diya
Gum ne "Rohin"apnakar, Khushi ne begana bana diya

Kya baat hai!!

Dear Rohin..

I feel so good to see u writing in terms with the techniques of Shayri... Too Good man...

Jahan tak ehsaas ki baat hain... they r as beautiful as they always are..I love them.... Meri Dil se daad tumhaare liye is khoobsurat ehsaas ko khoobsurati se likhne ke liye....

Itna mushkil bhi nahi hai yaar... Shayri ki techniques ko follow karke likhana... Infact I know.. U r not gonna stop here

So.. Dost Likhte Rehna...Rohin Dost Badiya hai


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Lagta hai is baar "Pulkit", kismat teri bhi rang laayii hai
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Re: hi
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Rohin
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Re: hi - 3rd March 2005, 03:08 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by LuvPriya
rohin kayi baar jab hum kuch padhte hai to soch me dub jaate hai, ya phir sochtey hai itna karwa sach kisi ne itni asani se, itne sidhe se kaise likh dala....bahut mushkil kaam hai, aur kya kahu. i luved every line of this..for the reason that...it took me to deep thoughts...and shocked me to think that how true it really is!

Subha thi beet gayi, raat ki na koi khabar
Zindagi ko ek shaam jo beete na, bana diya
--------> person who is in this situation knows for real whats its like ne beetne wali shaam!

Saagar ki gehrai na nazar mein, na hi dikhe kinara
Beech majdhar mein chod, mushkil jeena bana diya
-----> hai dil ko chu gayi ye lines....seene cheer gayi ...beech majhdhar chod kar mushkil jeena bana diya !!

Thi jiske zindagi mein Saaz-o-aawaz basi hui
Ek chubti hui khamosh de kar veerana bana diya
------> mehfil jise kehtey they aaj viraanna bana diya.....

Berang thi duniya rang ka na koi nisha.N
Pyaar ke rang bhar kar deewanan bana diya
-----> pyar ka rang hai hi aisa....jab aatta hai sab kuch leke aur agar chala jata hai sab kuch leke.....pyar ka rang bhar kar deewana bana diya.....to be in luv is the awesome feeling one can feel...if we felt it for sure we are lucky...jutha hi sahi koyi humse pyar kare....cuz pyar jutha ya sacha nahi pyar hi hota hai...the feeling of luv is so true......and deep

Beete hue lamho ko qaid kar ke dil mein
In yaadon ke moti ko piro afsaana bana diya
-----> in yaadon ke moti ko afsana bana diya....kya kahu...shabd kam hai. yaadon ka afsana ban'na...darr lagta hai yaar,

Duniya ne maari thokar, Apno ne begana bana diya
Gum ne "Rohin"apnakar, Khushi ne begana bana diya
----------->> uff this is awesome...kya kya keh na diya tumne in lines mein........gum ne apnaya aur khushi ne begana bana diya??
i cant explain what i feel to read these words...

gum ne apnaya khushi ne kiya begana
shayad yahi hai us khuda ka hame satane ka bahana?
pehley pyar kiya phir choda phir vaapis aa gaye sanam bankar...
kya kya situm na kiye gaye humpar...kaise kaise kiya hame deewana.?

Priya
Hi Priya,

Zindagi mein bahut kuch hota hai jo hum jaante hain magar kai baar un par gaur nahi karte. Chahe woh koi choti se baat ho ya badi, hum kabhi kabhi duniya mein apne aap ko milane ke liye khud ki pehchaan bhul jaate hain. Aur phir jab humme yeh apne khud ka hona ehsaas hota hai tab hum khud ko Beech mazdhar mein paate hain. Dil ki hulchul bad jaati hai aur lagta hai insaan charo aur se kheech raha ho.

Tumhe mere yeh ehsaas ache lage aur isne umhe soch mein daal diya yehi mere liye bahut hai...
Tumhara har sher ke yunh tareef karna batata hai tumne kitni gehrai se padha.

Thanks a lot
Rohin


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Rohin
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3rd March 2005, 03:23 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by shadow
Rohin bhai wonderfull, tumhara likna humesha kud ke zimedari darshata hai. Acha laga pad ke....
Hi Shashi,

Bahut din baad tum mere kissi thread par aaye Bahut acha laga mere bhai.. Tumhe yeh pasand aaya yeh jaankar aur bhi acha laga..

thanks buddy
Rohin


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Re: Re: Dil ko mere...
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Rohin
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Re: Re: Dil ko mere... - 4th March 2005, 04:20 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Pulkit_gupta
[B}
Dear Rohin..

I feel so good to see u writing in terms with the techniques of Shayri... Too Good man...

Jahan tak ehsaas ki baat hain... they r as beautiful as they always are..I love them.... Meri Dil se daad tumhaare liye is khoobsurat ehsaas ko khoobsurati se likhne ke liye....

Itna mushkil bhi nahi hai yaar... Shayri ki techniques ko follow karke likhana... Infact I know.. U r not gonna stop here

So.. Dost Likhte Rehna...Rohin Dost Badiya hai [/B]
Hi Pulkit,

Thanks for appreciating my work I know its far from being technically correct but i am trying I will try to come up with better ones again. But i am glad inspite of being at a loss of words for writing and trying to explain my feelings. you all have been able to appreciate it.

Thanks
Rohin


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HI! rohin
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HI! rohin - 4th March 2005, 04:28 PM

Rohin....bas itn kahungi..mujhe tumhare har sher aur uski gehraii pasand aa gayi...bahot saral shabdon mein tumne...behad pyara nagma racha hai....bahot bahot achha laga padh kar! do keep it up!
tc
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Rohin
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Re: HI! rohin - 4th March 2005, 11:48 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by komal5
Rohin....bas itn kahungi..mujhe tumhare har sher aur uski gehraii pasand aa gayi...bahot saral shabdon mein tumne...behad pyara nagma racha hai....bahot bahot achha laga padh kar! do keep it up!
tc
komal
Hi Komal,

Aapko gehrayi pasand aayi yeh baat humme pasand aayi.

Bus ek baat poochni thi..

ap ki har tasveer mein aap aankhon ko bahut nikhar ke pesh karti ho...

Kyaa raaza hai?

Take Care
Rohin


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HI!
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HI! - 7th March 2005, 11:43 AM

Hi! rohin ji...may be bcoz i b'lv..eyes speak!....eye are life' of human body....which can be seen!..they say wat the persn is all about 2 a certain extent!....and i donno the form of eye has always been a fascinating factor for me since child hood!...yaha tak ki if thr is sumhng i notice widout fail..when i meet a persn thts his or her..eyes!!
tc
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Rohin
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7th March 2005, 07:36 PM

Hi Komal,

I thought so.... glad to know ur thoughts...

Well thanks for ur eply. I will tell u something soon...

Take Care
Rohin


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HI - 7th March 2005, 07:44 PM

rohin baat ek mujhe bhi poochni hai, ki apko kaise pata chala ki mein ankhon ko nikhar ke pesh karne ki aadi hun..jabke ab tak meine bas 2 awtar use kiye hein...this is my second one...do u read minds or wwat!
tc
komal


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Rohin
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7th March 2005, 07:51 PM

Haan komal,

Pata nahi magar kissi ke do shabd sun lene ke baad ya do baat karne ke baat mano man se sidha link ban jata hai... Aur click karte hi us insaan ke baare mein jaan leta hoon

thanks
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Re: Dil ko mere...
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priyanka jain
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Re: Dil ko mere... - 8th March 2005, 06:13 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Rohin
Ek ehsaas hai mera....

dil ko mere, mere dard ka aaina bana diya
Sharaab pe zindagi ko ek maikhana bana diya

Subha thi beet gayi, raat ki na koi khabar
Zindagi ko ek shaam jo beete na, bana diya

Saagar ki gehrai na nazar mein, na hi dikhe kinara
Beech majdhar mein chod, mushkil jeena bana diya

Thi jiske zindagi mein Saaz-o-aawaz basi hui
Ek chubti hui khamosh de kar veerana bana diya

Berang thi duniya rang ka na koi nisha.N
Pyaar ke rang bhar kar deewanan bana diya

Beete hue lamho ko qaid kar ke dil mein
In yaadon ke moti ko piro afsaana bana diya

Duniya ne maari thokar, Apno ne begana bana diya
Gum ne "Rohin"apnakar, Khushi ne begana bana diya

Thanks
Rohin

very superbly written rohin.....

too good...

keep it up..

.
   
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Re: Re: Dil ko mere...
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Rohin
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Re: Re: Dil ko mere... - 8th March 2005, 07:13 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by priyanka jain
very superbly written rohin.....

too good...

keep it up..

.
Hi Priyanka,

thanks a lot buddy

Thanks
Rohin


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Aman_rahi
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10th March 2005, 02:20 PM

Saagar ki gehrai na nazar mein, na hi dikhe kinara
Beech majdhar mein chod, mushkil jeena bana diya

Thi jiske zindagi mein Saaz-o-aawaz basi hui
Ek chubti hui khamosh de kar veerana bana diya


Rohin Bhai......

bahut aache......

jo dikhta nahi gairon ko kabhi ^AMAN^.....
aaj bhi use mod pe khada dekhta hoon.....


likhte rahoo.....



**(*·.¸(`·.¸ ¸.·´)¸.·*)**
*·.¸Paigaam -e- Aman¸.·*
**(¸.·´(¸.·* *·.¸)`·.¸)**


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
inhan ankhaaon vicho kadi, tere hanju vaghe si.....
aaj ki hoye, jehda ^AMAN^ da lahoo vagda ae......

AMAN RAHI
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10th March 2005, 02:28 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Aman_rahi
Saagar ki gehrai na nazar mein, na hi dikhe kinara
Beech majdhar mein chod, mushkil jeena bana diya

Thi jiske zindagi mein Saaz-o-aawaz basi hui
Ek chubti hui khamosh de kar veerana bana diya


Rohin Bhai......

bahut aache......

jo dikhta nahi gairon ko kabhi ^AMAN^.....
aaj bhi use mod pe khada dekhta hoon.....


likhte rahoo.....
Hi Aman praji,

Bahut bahut shukriya aapka...
I will try to write more

thanks
Rohin


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10th March 2005, 09:29 PM

*****************************************
Duniya ne maari thokar, Apno ne begana bana diya
Gum ne "Rohin"apnakar, Khushi ne begana bana diya

*****************************************

hi, well... perfectly done. aap'ne to ye kamal kar diya. bahut hi khoobsurat likha hai.... keep it up aur zyada ees'se kehne ki muj'me himmat nehi kyuinke its the best... take care
keep writting
ishi


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Rohin
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10th March 2005, 10:08 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Ishiqka
*****************************************
Duniya ne maari thokar, Apno ne begana bana diya
Gum ne "Rohin"apnakar, Khushi ne begana bana diya

*****************************************

hi, well... perfectly done. aap'ne to ye kamal kar diya. bahut hi khoobsurat likha hai.... keep it up aur zyada ees'se kehne ki muj'me himmat nehi kyuinke its the best... take care
keep writting
ishi

Hi Ishiqka,

Aapko yahan apne thread par dekh bahut khushi hui hai...
Kyunki pehle kabhi apko mere kissi thread par aapko dekha nahi...
aap aayi bhi yahan bahut din baad hain...
Jaankar bahut hi khushi hui ki aapko yeh post acha laga.....

Thanks a lot for coming
Rohin


http://www.thoughtsunbound.com a place for my thoughts

Last edited by Rohin; 10th March 2005 at 10:16 PM..
   
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10th March 2005, 11:54 PM

namaste..rohin..ji

dost.... i don't know..what to say... its...amazing... awesome...fantastic...bahut..khoob...agar mein yeah kahu.. ke.. apki is kalam mein mujhe kuch shabd..pasand..aye ya..fir specially yeah ..line pasand aai..too.... i think.. i m doin injustince....apke.. kalam...wakai..mein bahut..bahut khooob.. hai sirkar..

ishi tarah..ate rahiye.. aur mehfil.. ko.. **** char chand laga te rahiye...

bye n..take care..


Lamha Lamha...saSein Khatam hoo rai hai...
Zindagi Maut ke pehlu mein soo rai hai...
Us bewafa se na pucho meri maut ki wajah...
Woh to bus zamane ko dikhane ke liye roo rai hai...
   
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Rohin
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11th March 2005, 06:37 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by mein_aur_tanhai
namaste..rohin..ji

dost.... i don't know..what to say... its...amazing... awesome...fantastic...bahut..khoob...agar mein yeah kahu.. ke.. apki is kalam mein mujhe kuch shabd..pasand..aye ya..fir specially yeah ..line pasand aai..too.... i think.. i m doin injustince....apke.. kalam...wakai..mein bahut..bahut khooob.. hai sirkar..

ishi tarah..ate rahiye.. aur mehfil.. ko.. **** char chand laga te rahiye...

bye n..take care..
Hi Buddy,

Well thanks for decorating my post with your wonderful words. I am really glad you liked my words. thanks for coming and encouraging me

thanks
Rohin


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Re: Re: Re: Dil ko mere...
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priyanka jain
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Re: Re: Re: Dil ko mere... - 12th March 2005, 02:34 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Rohin
Hi Priyanka,

thanks a lot buddy

Thanks
Rohin
HI ROHIN...

YOU R MOST WELCOME BUDDY

KEEP IT UP....

BBYR
PRIYANKA
   
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15th March 2005, 12:25 AM

Hello Rohin
wonderful wors wonderful meaing and great emotions. keep it up

Regards Nidhi


Na Chaho kisi ko itna ~ ~ ki chahat tumhari majboori ban jaye ~ ~ chaho kisi ko itna ki ~ ~ tumhara pyar us ke liye zaroori ban jaye...............


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Rohin
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15th March 2005, 01:46 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by friendnidhi
Hello Rohin
wonderful wors wonderful meaing and great emotions. keep it up

Regards Nidhi
Nidhi

Thanks for coming

Rohin


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hiiiii rohin
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karan q
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hiiiii rohin - 20th March 2005, 02:18 AM

Hiiiiiii rohin
i read your three ghazals

Beete hue lamho ko qaid kar ke dil mein
In yaadon ke moti ko piro afsaana bana diya

itni lines me sirf ye phool mile so chun liye

now see .. in these lines flow is there like

beete hue lamhon ko qaid ker ke dil me
in yaadon me moti piro ker afsaana bana diya

moti ko .. is spoiling the ryhme
and piro ke baad kar aana jaroori hai ..
because you are telling what you did
and now i wanna point about this ghazal like

beete na
jeeena
veerana
afsaana
both aare alag qaafiya
and aain the effect is lacking ... which will come later on
So poerty is lacking many things.. just try to fallow those things
which i ment in last waali poerty .. i mean wo dard waali
i hope you will improve soon as possible
And always remember .... i m waiting for the time
when i will salute your poerty
be a true poet .. they do write the songs of nights
The songs of nature .. The beat of nations

They don't do tukka bandi with peena jeena meena leena
Qafiya is just to entertain the poeple so they must enjoy poerty
and poerty must not look like a lacture
And other things like bahr-usske bina bhee poerty chal jaati hai
lekin lafzon me pakad honi badi jaroori hai
ek baar phir Apni ghazal ke kuch qataa's likh raha houn

Mai ik bewafaa se pyar karta houn


Mai khud ko beqaraar karta houn
Mai ik bewafaa se pyar kerta houn

Gar Ek baar ho to maaf ker de koi
Mai Galti baar baar karta houn
Mai ik bewafaa se pyar karta houn

Wo chaahte hain band kamre me
Mai izhaar sar-e-bazaar karta houn
Mai ik bewafaa se pyar karta houn

Jo mujhko dhang se dekhta bhee nahi
Mai usspe jaan nisaar karta houn
Mai ik bewafaa se pyar karta houn

Mai nahi jaata khuda ke darr per
Sach hai sajda-e-yaar karta houn
Mai ik bewafaa se pyar karta houn

Mai sher houn to magar boodha houn
Saalon me ik shikaar karta houn
Mai ik bewafaa se pyar karta houn

Ja khud ke badle mujhse mujhko leja
Mai umar bhar ka qaraar karta houn
Mai ik bewafaa se pyar karta houn

Tujhko chaahne ki khataa dilkash hai
Waise mai khataa hazaar karta houn
Mai ik bewafaa se pyar karta houn

Additional one

Tujhse Kal ho mulaqaat phir gaani
Ye soch ker udhaar karta houn

Gaani:- richman

Karan marr jaaye to aankhen num na ho
Mai tumko khabardaar karta houn
Mai ik bewafaa se pyar karta houn

Now see.. This poerty is not about bewafaai .. padhne waale will only thing bewafaai.. But While writing the poerty A writer is explaning The chrachter.... So everything is the part of chrachter

first line is carring the story .. and 2nd line is giving the reason
This is been the trend in this poerty.. Like

mai sher houn to magar boodha houn
Saalon me ik shikaar karta houn
in this qataa.. 2nd is carrying the subject and first line is giving the answer,..or explaining the reason,infact you can take both lines as subject as well as reason .. in whole poerty .. so quite flexible it is.. ...
ghazal kya hai? It is the creation of some qataa's which are carrying same ryhme

kishto mein hua katal kuchh is tarha mera,
khanjar badal gaya, kabhi katil badal gaya...

ab issi ryhme ke kuch qataa's issme or jod diye jaayen
same metere me .. to ghazal ho jayegi
all can carry diffrent meanings..That is not the thing
so start writing two lines qataa's and say if you write 20 or 30
then you can see their rythme
jo bhee match kerti ho..thodi si adjestment kerke unn sabko job ker bhee ek simple sober ghazal banaayi ja sakti hai....

khair you will learn soon ... don't worry .. i m always there for you
keep trying ... winner or looser nahi hote .. kyunki zindgi me winner tab tak ho jab tak saanso ke khazaane hain
ek he baar looser banoge.. usse pehle sirf tryer ho .. which is the best thing to be..mahatma gandhi aapki aakhiri saans tak logon ka dil jeetne me lagaa raha.. laakhon logon ka jeet liya lekin laakhon ko chodh gaya .. jo uss waqt bhee usse satisfy nahi thai.. or unn lakhon ne karodo banaa diye..wo sahi tha ya galat sabke alag alag nazariye.. but he tried till his last breath to prove his point .. to everyone.. shayad jo kehna chaahta thaa keh nahi paata thaa.... but he kept trying sirf iss umeed per that he will succeed one day .. you keep doing it too ..
izzajat
karan.q


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Sach kahe na gaye to shayri ho gaye

Mai or samander,do gehre khwaab khuda ke.....
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20th March 2005, 04:02 AM

Hi Karan,

Again thanks a lot for coming and pointing out the mistakes i have done...

I like i told earlier would try and keep all points in mind and hope to improve

Thanks for helping me out

Thanks
Rohin


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Wah!Mere Dost!
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yashmax
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Wah!Mere Dost! - 26th March 2005, 03:45 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Rohin
Ek ehsaas hai mera....

dil ko mere, mere dard ka aaina bana diya
Sharaab pe zindagi ko ek maikhana bana diya

Subha thi beet gayi, raat ki na koi khabar
Zindagi ko ek shaam jo beete na, bana diya

Saagar ki gehrai na nazar mein, na hi dikhe kinara
Beech majdhar mein chod, mushkil jeena bana diya

Thi jiske zindagi mein Saaz-o-aawaz basi hui
Ek chubti hui khamosh de kar veerana bana diya

Berang thi duniya rang ka na koi nisha.N
Pyaar ke rang bhar kar deewanan bana diya

Beete hue lamho ko qaid kar ke dil mein
In yaadon ke moti ko piro afsaana bana diya

Duniya ne maari thokar, Apno ne begana bana diya
Gum ne "Rohin"apnakar, Khushi ne begana bana diya

Thanks
Rohin

Wah! Mere Dost Rohin!

Kya khoob likha hai yaar!
Jitni tareef karu utni kam hai...
Excellent wordings..Excellent work!


cya..


~ Dosti Dil se ~
: : Dost har lamha saath tumhare hai hum : :
Listen to your mind...but follow your heart.
"Anyone who believes sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain."
----------------------------------------------
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Re: Wah!Mere Dost!
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Re: Wah!Mere Dost! - 27th March 2005, 09:31 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by yashmax
Wah! Mere Dost Rohin!

Kya khoob likha hai yaar!
Jitni tareef karu utni kam hai...
Excellent wordings..Excellent work!


cya..
Hi Yogesh,

I am glad to see you on my thread again after a long time
Thanks Buddy. It is great to see you

Thanks
Rohin


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