patjher ke patte se

[sneerja]

patjhar ke patte se jindgi ke safer mei hum hai
jis taraf hawa chali us taraf ud chale hum hai
pahle essa lagta tha ki her cheez yahaan apni hai
ab lagta hai ki apne hi gher mei ajnabi hum hai

waqt or mutty ka sath to barsoon puraana hai
kisko pata hai kahaan ke hai hum kahaan thikaana hai
musaafir hai chal rahe hai kyuki chalna hai naseeb apna
sochte rahte hai ki kis raah gujar ke hum hai


sneerja







Hi,
friends,
plz send me your vews about my poem ,thanks
neerja

[deepak]

HI...NEERU...THATS GR888...KEEP ON WRITING ......THATS ALL I CAN SAY ABOUT IT...
BYEEE
DEEPAK

[maikasH]

Aadaab neerja ji.....

aapke kalaam ko dekh kar yuuN lagaa jaise aap isse likhte waqt "jagjit singh" ki ye ghazal sun rahii thiiN

apnii marzi se kahaan apne safar ke hum haiN
rukh hawaaoN ka jidhar ka hai udhar ke hum haiN

it looked like an exact copy of jagjit singh's ghazal ....just some words are changed which obviously didn't make any impression

kuch behtar likhne ki koshiish kareN.......

there's nothing wrong in being inspired by a ghazal and using the same qafiya and radeef in same meter BUT khayaal aapke apne hone chahiye......thats the most importnat thing...otherwise it's a copy ....like in this case

aapke kalaam meN "qafiya" missing hai...all the sher's are totally out of meter.....kisi bhi sher ke mafhuum saaf nahiiN hai....koshiish kariye ke aap apne khayaaloN ko madd'dey nazar rakh ke kuch likheN

this is my view about ur poem as u asked........please don't mind

maikasH