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Twaayuf -
21st April 2008, 02:30 AM
Twaayuf
Tu bani kisi ghar ki zeenat
Main kisi kothay ki numaish
Tera khwaab hua haqeeqat
Rahi jhooti meri khwaahish
Aurat mujh main bhi thi,haaN,dafnaa di thi ziNda
Meri kahaani ki insaaniyat bhi ho jaayay sharmiNda
Meray khwaaboN ko sool-e-wehshat chraayaa teray ghar kay mardoN nay
Meri majboori ko tamaashaa banaayaa teray ghar kay mardoN nay
MaiNnay bhi tha muhabbat ka paak chaman basaayaa
Meri hasrat bhi thi ki ho koi ik mera apnaa sa saayaa
Magar Pait ki bhookh kay sun kar naalay
Waheshi aankhoN ka sunharaa bharam khaayaa
Lay gayaa yeh mard tera dilaasaa day kar basti-e-ghumnaam main
Phir aayaay humdard aur kitnay,aashnaa karaa gayay is muqaam say
Ab har raat ki dulhan hooN
Har shub nayaa humbistar hai
Yeh to bus jaanay hai dil-e-bismil mera
Ki roz lubraiz-e- zehar nayaa nashtar hai
Tu nasoor-e-tehzeeb kahay mujh ko,main teri hi behan hooN
Bus tu rahi kismet ki ameer,main wehshat ki rehan hooN
Daikhay jo aurat mujhmaiN
To tu sharmiNda hogi
Aura a jaayay gar yeh jazbaa sub main
To shaayud insaaniyut zinda hogi
-----------------------
Naalay-cheekhaiN, Dil-r-bismil-ghayal dil,Lubraiz-e-zehar-zehar say bhara
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21st April 2008, 04:10 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brijinder
Twaayuf
Tu bani kisi ghar ki zeenat
Main kisi kothay ki numaish
Tera khwaab hua haqeeqat
Rahi jhooti meri khwaahish
Aurat mujh main bhi thi,haaN,dafnaa di thi ziNda
Meri kahaani ki insaaniyat bhi ho jaayay sharmiNda
Meray khwaaboN ko sool-e-wehshat chraayaa teray ghar kay mardoN nay
Meri majboori ko tamaashaa banaayaa teray ghar kay mardoN nay
MaiNnay bhi tha muhabbat ka paak chaman basaayaa
Meri hasrat bhi thi ki ho koi ik mera apnaa sa saayaa
Magar Pait ki bhookh kay sun kar naalay
Waheshi aankhoN ka sunharaa bharam khaayaa
Lay gayaa yeh mard tera dilaasaa day kar basti-e-ghumnaam main
Phir aayaay humdard aur kitnay,aashnaa karaa gayay is muqaam say
Ab har raat ki dulhan hooN
Har shub nayaa humbistar hai
Yeh to bus jaanay hai dil-e-bismil mera
Ki roz lubraiz-e- zehar nayaa nashtar hai
Tu nasoor-e-tehzeeb kahay mujh ko,main teri hi behan hooN
Bus tu rahi kismet ki ameer,main wehshat ki rehan hooN
Daikhay jo aurat mujhmaiN
To tu sharmiNda hogi
Aura a jaayay gar yeh jazbaa sub main
To shaayud insaaniyut zinda hogi a hogi
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Brijinder sahib apki nazm padhi. hassas mauzu par apki koshish bhali lagi. mujhe umrao jan ka ye dialogue yaad aa gaya:
"tumhen mili koThi aur mujhe mila koTha". ye koThi aur koThe ka lamba safar bhi dardnak tha.
apki nazm go k achhi he taa ham chand ek bateN arz karna apna farz samajhta hun, ummid he k aap bura nahin maanenge:
- agar aap "tera Khowab hua haqiqt" ko "tera Khowab BANA haqiqat" kar den to behtar hoga, meri naqis raye men
- "jhuThi Khowahish"? mere khayal se to koi Khowahidh jhuthi nahin hoti han bhale vo na-munasib ho
- "kahani ki insaniyat"? ye istilah men ne pahli bar suni he. insaniyat to insan/admi kii hoti he. kahani ke liye ye lafz meri raye men munasib ya mauzu nahin he, baqi aap behtar samajhte hen.
- "sool-e-vahshat" yeh kia he? iske ma'ni kia hen? men ne aisi tarkeeb kabhi na padhi aur na suni. aap agar mere ilm men izafa karenge bata kar to ain navazish hogi. shukria.
- "paak chaman" ye bhi men ne kabhi nahin suna. agar chaman pak ho sakta he to phir na-pak bhi ho sakta he. kia koi chaman na-pak hota hai? sorry, yeh mere khayal se saheeh nahin he.
- "Meri hasrat bhi thi ki ho koi ik mera apnaa sa saayaa"...is misre men "apna sa saya" se apki kia murad he?
- "Waheshi aankhoN ka sunharaa bharam khaayaa"...aor is misre men sunehra bharam khana" koi mohavara meri nazar se nahin guzra. agar apki nazar se guzra ho to plz mujhe batayega. shukrya.
- "Lay gayaa yeh mard tera dilaasaa day kar basti-e-ghumnaam main
Phir aayaay humdard aur kitnay,aashnaa karaa gayay is muqaam say"
basti-e-ghumnam ko aap gumnam baasti kahen to behtar hoga, mere khayal se. is misr'e kii bunaat (construction) qadre ukjha hua he. isko saaf karne ki zarurat he.
dusre misre meN "maqaam" se apka kaun sa maqam maqsud he? "aashna karaana" ke bajaye "aashna karVana" ziyada maanus he.
- Ab har raat ki dulhan hooN
"har raat kisi kii dulhan huN"...ziyada mauzu he mere Khayal se
Har shub nayaa humbistar hai
"har shab koi naya ham-bistar hai"...aise munasib hoga kahna
Yeh to bus jaanay hai dil-e-bismil mera
Ki roz lubraiz-e- zehar nayaa nashtar hai
"labrez-e-zahr" yeh tarkeeb saheeh nahin he. saheeh talaffuz he "zahr" na k "zehar". aur nashtar=nishtar
-Tu nasoor-e-tehzeeb kahay mujh ko,main teri hi behan hooN
Bus tu rahi kismet ki ameer,main wehshat ki rehan hooN
"nasur-e-tahzeeb" yeh lafz mujhe khaTakta hai. aise to kabhi maiN ne padha ya suna nahin he.
"rehan" lafz mere khayal se apne "raheen" hai jaise kahte hen "raheen-e-minnat". plz check kar leN.
- Daikhay jo aurat mujhmaiN
To tu sharmiNda hogi
Aura a jaayay gar yeh jazbaa sub main
To shaayud insaaniyut zinda hogi
is band ko agar aise likhen to kaisa rahega?
dekhe tu agar aurat mujh meN
to ho jaayega sharminda
agar paida ho jaaye sab meN yeh jazba
to shayad insaniyat bhi zinda ho jaaye!
sorry agar apko meri baaten buri lagi hon to. men sirf rasmi wah wah ka qa'il nahin hun is liye waah ke saath aah bhi likh deta huN
apki signature ka sher:
Naalay-cheekhaiN, Dil-e-bismil-ghayal dil,Lubraiz-e-zehar-zehar say bhara
dil-e-bismil ghaayal dil? dil do baar? yeh band/sher men vohi zaban o bayan ka masalah he. aap dekh lijiega. i mean nazr-e-sani kar lijiyega. khayal uljha hua hai. sukrya
tu aur aaraa'ish-e-Kham-e-kaakul
maiN aur andesha_haa-e-dur o daraaz
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21st April 2008, 09:43 AM
Brijinder sahib
men ne ghaor kiya to samajh men aaya k jo lafz apne musta'mil kiyaa hai "rehan" vo dar asl 'RAHAN" he jiske matlab hain "girvi" ke yani mortgage rakhna. sorry
muKhlis
tu aur aaraa'ish-e-Kham-e-kaakul
maiN aur andesha_haa-e-dur o daraaz
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thanks -
27th April 2008, 03:20 AM
Janaab Mukhlis saheb,
I am thankful to you for sparing time to read and give your frank feedback.
Sir,I would like to add something here.To me poetry is ,foremost,a tool to understand myself and the world around me.I have always distinguised between being artisn and being Artist-the demands and expectations from both are different.to me poetry is the forge where language evolves,brings forth new metaphors,new words,new idioms,new perspectives.The grammartician in us will always find find faults even with the poetry of great poets and I am just a very humble person.
- "kahani ki insaniyat"? ye istilah men ne pahli bar suni he. insaniyat to insan/admi kii hoti he. kahani ke liye ye lafz meri raye men munasib ya mauzu nahin he, baqi aap behtar samajhte hen.
You completly got it wrong.It is meri kahani(aisi)ki insaniyat bhi..I think it is clear now.
- "sool-e-vahshat" yeh kia he? iske ma'ni kia hen? men ne aisi tarkeeb kabhi na padhi aur na suni. aap agar mere ilm men izafa karenge bata kar to ain navazish hogi. shukria.
Sorry,it should have been sooli-e-wehshat.
- "paak chaman" ye bhi men ne kabhi nahin suna. agar chaman pak ho sakta he to phir na-pak bhi ho sakta he. kia koi chaman na-pak hota hai? sorry, yeh mere khayal se saheeh nahin he.
This is just a very unpoetic response to a metaphor.Then chaand jaisa hassen bhi ghalat hai as we know it is barren.These are metaphors ,sir and so should be taken as such.
- "Meri hasrat bhi thi ki ho koi ik mera apnaa sa saayaa"...is misre men "apna sa saya" se apki kia murad he?
I donot think it needs any clarification as it is quite simple n plain.
- "Waheshi aankhoN ka sunharaa bharam khaayaa"...aor is misre men sunehra bharam khana" koi mohavara meri nazar se nahin guzra. agar apki nazar se guzra ho to plz mujhe batayega. shukrya.
As I submitted earlier
that poetry is the forge where new idioms,words n ideas take shape.How in the world,new words n idioms would have come into existence?- "Lay gayaa yeh mard tera dilaasaa day kar basti-e-ghumnaam main
Phir aayaay humdard aur kitnay,aashnaa karaa gayay is muqaam say"
basti-e-ghumnam ko aap gumnam baasti kahen to behtar hoga, mere khayal se. is misr'e kii bunaat (construction) qadre ukjha hua he. isko saaf karne ki zarurat he.
Zaroor janaab
dusre misre meN "maqaam" se apka kaun sa maqam maqsud he? "aashna karaana" ke bajaye "aashna karVana" ziyada maanus he.
Second suggestion is good but first line is not clear.-
Ab har raat ki dulhan hooN
"har raat kisi kii dulhan huN"...ziyada mauzu he mere Khayal se
Zaroor janaab
Har shub nayaa humbistar hai
"har shab koi naya ham-bistar hai"...aise munasib hoga kahna
Yeh bhi sar aankhoN par
Yeh to bus jaanay hai dil-e-bismil mera
Ki roz lubraiz-e- zehar nayaa nashtar hai
"labrez-e-zahr" yeh tarkeeb saheeh nahin he. saheeh talaffuz he "zahr" na k "zehar". aur nashtar=nishtar
Thanks a lot for the correction.Urdu is my passion and not my love.Moreover i donot know urdu script.Thanks once again.-
Tu nasoor-e-tehzeeb kahay mujh ko,main teri hi behan hooN
Bus tu rahi kismet ki ameer,main wehshat ki rehan hooN
"nasur-e-tahzeeb" yeh lafz mujhe khaTakta hai. aise to kabhi maiN ne padha ya suna nahin he.
Again I will say poetry is the forge where new words/ideas/idioms get constructed."
rehan" lafz mere khayal se apne "raheen" hai jaise kahte hen "raheen-e-minnat". plz check kar leN.
Rehan means mortage.
- Daikhay jo aurat mujhmaiN
To tu sharmiNda hogi
Aura a jaayay gar yeh jazbaa sub main
To shaayud insaaniyut zinda hogi
is band ko agar aise likhen to kaisa rahega?
dekhe tu agar aurat mujh meN
to ho jaayega sharminda
agar paida ho jaaye sab meN yeh jazba
to shayad insaniyat bhi zinda ho jaaye!
Ziyada darust laga.Thanks for that.
apki signature ka sher:
Naalay-cheekhaiN, Dil-e-bismil-ghayal dil,Lubraiz-e-zehar-zehar say bhara
dil-e-bismil ghaayal dil? dil do baar? yeh band/sher men vohi zaban o bayan ka masalah he. aap dekh lijiega. i mean nazr-e-sani kar lijiyega. khayal uljha hua hai. sukrya
Sorry,this is not signature.These are the meanings of few tough word.I should have written 'Meanings of words"before that.
I hope my reply will be taken in right spirit.I am really very thankful to you for a meaningful reply.
Regards
brijinder'Sagar"
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27th April 2008, 04:06 AM
Brinjinder sahib
mufassal javab ke liye maiN aapka mutashakkir huN. aapke jawabat padh kar mujhe ahsas hua k maiN ne jo kuchh bhi kaha vo aapko bura laga. i'm sorry.
aap kii nazm he aor aapka haq he k aap jis tarah munaasib samjheN likheN magar jis qadar meri jankari thi vo men ne aapko bata diN, ab use qubul karna ya rad karna apke ikhtiyar meN he.
bas itna hi kahuNga k zabaan meN jiddat paida karne ka Haq sirf zabaan-daanoN aur ustad sho'ara aur mashshaaq-e-zabaan ko hi he. ham to shairi aur adab ke alif be se bhi waqif nahiN to ham kaise jiddat paida kar sakte heN? pahle ham saheeh likhna to seekheN, jiddat paida karna to bahot dur ki baat he. aur agar bil-farz ham ne aesa kar bhi diya yani jiddat to use qubul kaun karega? mere Khayal se yeh Haq ham meN se kisi ko nahiN he. aap meri baat se shayaad ittefaaq na kareN magar baat saheeh yehi hai aur agar aapko yaqeen an aaye to aap kisi ilm-waale se pooch sakte hen
shukria
regards,
MuKhlis
tu aur aaraa'ish-e-Kham-e-kaakul
maiN aur andesha_haa-e-dur o daraaz
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27th April 2008, 04:36 AM
Mukhlis Mere Jaan K Dosth.
Baaz Aa Jaa.
Kidding
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thanks -
27th April 2008, 08:43 AM
Mukhlis saheb,
I have not at all taken it supportingly.But I have always felt that the growth is possible only with dialouge. WeLL! I have a deep respect for the traditions but have also believed that many times this also hinders the evolution of thought and experience.It is an unorthodox view of life but each of us have their right to opinion.I beleive that is how growth is possible.Ofcourse it should not merely be for the sake of reaction.
My idea is not to start a heated discussion,sir but you are one of the learned persons and I hope you will from where I am speaking.
Please pardon me if I have hurt any feelings.
Regards
brijinder
P.S I am sorry for not writing in urdu.Urdu is not my mother tongue but my passion.I am not really very proud of this handicap,beleive me.I hope you will be kind enough to overlook my handicap.
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27th April 2008, 08:53 AM
i think our discussions are not going anywhere so i opt to stop. thank you so much and have fun writing urdu poetry. wish u all the best. thank you
tu aur aaraa'ish-e-Kham-e-kaakul
maiN aur andesha_haa-e-dur o daraaz
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sorry -
28th April 2008, 01:39 AM
The first line should have been,I have taken it sportingly and not what came out.I am extremely sorry for that.
I am thankful that you are kind enough not to turn this discussion into some ego match.Thanks a lot for that.
Kind regards
brijinder
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