My first short story..

[Afshan]

Ok.. its not exactly 'short', but its the shortest I could make it...

Also, its my first try.. so there might be many flaws in it.. and hence, I would like proper feedback on this one.. whoever reads it... please let me know how I can improve it.. or what it lacked.. I would appreciate it..

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PatjhaR ka mausam tha. Har tarah raaston par bichhe hue patte, hawa me sansana rahe the. Baaghon me shajar khaali se ho gaye the. Na unpe patte the, na phool. Kuchh ghnsle the.. magar unke waasi kahin aur chale gaye the. Har tarah ek ajab sa sanaata tha, ek ajab sa mahaul, na andhera, na ujaala. Har roz wahi suraj ugta tha.. magar dheere dheere maano uski roshni kum hoti jaa rahi thi.

Isi suraj ki ek bhooli bhatki kiran Yusuf ke kamre ki khiDki ko paar kar, uske chehre tak jaa pohonchi. Jaagne ka waqt ho gaya tha, magar uska man nahi maan raha tha. Jaag kar use milega bhi kya, who aankhein bandh rakh kar sochta raha..

‘Wahi subah uTthna.. wahi nashta karna.. wahi office jaana.. Sharma ji ki sau baatein sunna.. bijli ki raftar se kaam karna.. thake hare khaali ghar me lautna.. ghar ke kuchh kaam karna.. khaana khaana.. nahaana dhona.. phir so jaana.. taaki agli subah, yahi sab phir se kar sako!’ Yusuf ne socha..

’To bhag kyon nahi jaate??!’ Uske zehen me ye awaaz yun gunji ki Yusuf uTh baitha.. yahan wahan nazar phiraii.. magar koi na tha.. aaj kal uska dil kuchh zyada hi zor se bolne laga tha.. Uska zehen ab use nazar-andaaz nahi kar paa raha tha..

Yusuf ne ek lambi saans bhari.. aur apne din ki shurwaat ki..

Office me kaam bohat tha (Humesha ki tarah).. kai baar uske manager, Mr. Sharma ne usse kisi gaRbaR par khoob daNta.. kaii baar ghalati Yusuf ki nahi thi.. Yusuf ko lagta tha ki an tak to use is roz ki tauheen ki aadat ho jaani chahiye.. magar aaj, na jaane kyon, usse ye be wajah ki baatein bardasht nahi ho rahi thi..

”Yaar you tension bohat leta hai!” Gurmez ne kaha..

Gurmez Yusuf ka sabse achha, sabse sachcha aur sabse puraana dost tha. Bachpan se hi dono saath saath the.. PaDosi the.. saath school gaye.. saath college bhi… aur jab Yusuf ko Bombay me naukri lagi, to Gurmez bhi uske saath chala aaya.. aur kismat kuchh aisi rahi, ki use bhi usi daftar me kaam mil gaya.. Ab dono dost saath saath kaam bhi kiya karte the. Agar Yusuf ab tak pagla nahi gaya tha, to who sirf Gurmez ke saath ki wajah se…

”Yaar Guru..” Yusuf ne thak kar kaha… ”Ab bas.. bohat hua.. ye sab main aur nahi she sakta yaar!.. Had hoti hai.. ye zindagi ka sifar ko kabhi khatm na hoga.. kuchh der ruk to sakta hun na.. “

“Yusuf!! Who Shah group ki file tayyar hui ya nahi??” Sharma ki awaaz aate hi dono yaar kaam karne ka naatak karne lage..

”Ji sir!! Abhi laaya!!” Yusuf ne jawaab diya.. aur phir baRbaRate hue, manager ke cabin me gaya.. jab lauta, to Guru dekh kar hi samajh gaya ki kya beeti hogi uspar..

”HAD HO GAYI!!” Yusuf ne itni zor se kaha ki kuzhh der ke liye office me sab kaam chhod kar use dekhne lage.. Main ab ye nahi kar sakta!!” usne zara dheeme se Guru ko kaha..

Kya nahi kar sakte?? Guru ne poochha.. Yusuf humesha se zara zyada naraaz lag raha tha.. shayad who naraaz nahi, taish me tha.. aur Yusuf aksar taish me nadaani karta tha.. bachpan se hi…

Us din Yusuf ne apna istifa de diya.. Iraada tha, magar phir bhi Sharma kuchh bura bhala nahi kaha.. Shaam jab ghar lauta, to ek ajib sa halkapan mehsus kar raha tha.. jaise seene par se koi bojh utar sa gaya ho.. magar thodi der baad hi, phir se mayuusi, akelapan, use gherne laga.. use samajh nahi aa raha tha ki wo aisa kyon mehsus kar raha hai..

Darwaaze par dastak hui.. Gurmez aaya tha…

Dekh!” Gurmez ne kaha, jab Yusuf ne apna haal bayaan kiya.. Mujhe to lagta hain ki tujhe sheher aana hi nahi chahiye tha.. Jab tune mumbai aane ka faisla kiya tha, tab bhi maine yahi kaha tha ki tu zyada din wahan nahi tik paayega.. ARE!.. saara bachpan humne jis chhoti si basti me guzaara hai, uske muqaable me ye sheher bohat bara hai mere dost!.. Tujhe is sheher ki nahi.. un galiyon ki zaroorat hai jahan humne saath kaii saal guzaare hain…

“To ab main kya karun?” Yusuf ne dheere se poochha.. jab ki who jaanta tha, ki use ab kya karna chahiye..

Subah hote hi, dono dost apne chhote se sheher ke liye rawaana ho gaye.. Raaste me kaii cheezein dikhi.. pehle to wahi bara sa sheher.. kitne saare log, raaston par kitni bheeR.. aur bheeR me har koi akela.. har koi apne roz marra ki zaroorton ko puura karne ke liye bhaag raha.. koi roti ke liye bheek maang raha tha.. to koi five star hotel me akela baith kar five star khaana kha raha tha.. kitni emaartein guzri, lekin bohat kum ghar nazar aaye.. ye sab soch kar Yusuf muskuraaya…

Raat hui… sannaata chha gaya.. andhere me baahar ki duniya chhup gayi.. bus me sab so gaye.. Yusuf bhi so gaya..

Aaj phir wahi suraj ki kiran ne Yusuf ki aankhein kholi.. magar aaj duniya kuchh alag si thi.. Suraj ki kiran, saaf, roshni se bhari hui… pahaaRon ke peeche se dekhta hua suraj, aaj baadshah lag raha tha.. Kuchh jaane pehchaane manzar guzar rahe the.. Hare bhare khet.. jisme kabhi who daura karte tha.. ek puraana sa bangla, yahaan par sab dost darr darr kar raat guzarte the.. who chhote chhote tile, ghaans oRe hue, jis par baith kar who roz baaghon se churaaye hue phal khaate.. maali ka mazaak uRate.. sab dost, ek saath…

Pata nahi, who sab kahan honge.. Yusuf ne khud se baat ki..

Gurmez ab bhi so raha tha….

Guru UTH!! Yusuf ne Guru ko khoob uThaane ki koshish ki thi.. pehle ahista se.. phir zara zor se.. ab usne use ek zor ka chaaNta lagaaya.. Oye! Kumbhkaran!! Jaldi se uTH.. apne gau apna des aa gaya!! Chal jaldi kar..

Gurmez bokhlaaya hua utha.. uTHte hi Yusuf ne uska saamaan uske haathon me de diya.. bus conductor kuchh naraaz lag raha tha.. magar Guru ko samajh nahi aaya ki sab use yun gusse se kyon dekh rahe hain…

Dono doston ke utarte hi bus chal paRi.. dono par dhool mitti uraati hui… Yusuf ne pehle apne aap ko dekha.. uske kale shirt pat ret bilkul achhi nahi lag rahi thi.. phir Gurmez ko ghuur kar dekha.. SAB TERI WAJAH SE!!

“OYE!” Gurmez ne kaha. Maine kya kiya??

“Yaar tu so jaata hai to uTh bhi jaaya kar!”

“Main aisa hi hun!!” Guru ne kaha, zara hanste hue.. Saath chalna hai to bol, warna aage jaakar main bus phirse pakaR sakta hun, samjha kya?”

“Who log tujhe waapas lenge hi nahi!” Yusuf ne hanste hue kaha.. Sirf main hi ek bewakuuf hun to tujhe bardaasht karta hun”

“Teri to!…” Gurmez ne apni chappal haath me li aur ek hanste aur dauRte hueYusuf ke peeche nikal paRa…

Jahaan buus ne unhe chhoRi thi.. usse zara si duuri par hi unka chhota sa shehar tha..

Uski galiyon se guzarte hue bachpan ki kaii yaadein taza ho gayi.. yahan to kuchh bhi nahi badla tha.. wahi dukaane thi.. wahin makaan.. wahi ghar.. wahi log.. chalet chalet, dono dost apne puraane ghar ki taraf baRte gaye.. Kuchh der chalne ke baad, Yusuf achaanak ruk gaya.. Uski nazar ek dukaan par aa thehri thi.. ye jagah kuchh badal si gayi thi… Dukan par koi board nahi tha.. magar wahan aam marra ki har cheez mil rahi thi.. puuri dukaan me chaawal gehu, khaane ka saamaan, saabun, namak, masaala, khilone.. aur sabse aage, kaanch ki barniyon me rang bi rangi mithaiyan.. Ek kone me, galle ke paas baitha, ek baniya.. apne khaate me kuchh likh raha tha…

Kal ki baat lagti thi.. yahan Yusuf ke baba ki chhoti si dukaan thi.. khilonon ki.. wahin lakre ke chhote chhote khilone banaate the uske abba.. apne haathon se.. Yusuf ko yaad tha jab who khud uske liye koi khilona bana kar late the.. kitna pyaar hota tha unki aankhon me.. magar bachpan aur nadaani ne kabhi Yusuf ko ye pyaar dekhne hi nahi diya.. use lakRe ke gudda-guddi, haathi-sher nahi chahiye the.. use chahiye thi awaaz karti, jagmagaati remote control waali gaRiyan.. Jo us chhote se sheher me nahi milti thi.. Aur na hi uske baba ke paas utne paise the ki who bare sheher se apne bete ke liye ye khareed sakein.. Yusuf inke liye zidd karta, uske abba use daNt dete.. Yusuf ye sochte hue so jaata, ki uske abba kitne bure hain..

Kaii saalaon ki baat lagti thi.. Apne bare bare sapne puure karne ke liye, Yusuf bare sheher Mumbai aa gaya tha.. wahan achhi maukri mil gayi thi.. aur dheere dheere who ameer hota ja raha tha.. kum se kum use ye to pata tha ki gar usne grahasti basai, to uske bachchon ko lakRe ke khilonon se nahi khelna paRega.. Uske jaane ke kareeban ek saal baad.. uske abba ki dukaan me aag lag gayi thi.. saara saamaan jal gaya tha… Uske abba us waqt dukan me hi the.. hospital me unki maut ho gayi thi.. Yusuf wahan nahi tha…

Ab.. usi dukan ke saamne khaRe, Yusuf ki aankh se ek aansu nikal gaya..

Kya chahiye baabu??

Baniye ki awaaz ne maano Yusuf ko ek sapne se jagaa diya tha..

Kuchh khareedna hai kya??

Baniye ne phir se poochha.. Yusuf ne chhote choote se kadam baRaye us jagah ki or, jahan kabhi uske abba baitha karte the.. Uski nazar khilaunon ki taraf gayi.. waha ek lakRe ka haathi, jagmaati gaRiyon, aawaaz karti guRiyaaon ke beech, akela paRa tha.. Muskuraate hue, Yusuf ne use le liya.

Us raat, dono dost ek kiraaye ke makaan me thehre.. Gau ki har baat, har moD, har gali, har chauraahe par ek kissa tha, ek yaad thi, ek kahaani thi.. Saari raat, inhi yaadon ki baatein chalti rahi.. Waqt kab kahan guzar gaya pata hi na chala…

To ab kya karna hai?’ Gurmez ne poochha..

Yusuf uTh kar khiDki ke paas gaya.. Suraj phir ug raha tha.. ek nayi subah janm le rahi thi.. ek naya din, ek naya zamaana saath lekar aa raha tha.. Yahin aane ke liye who kitna betaab tha.. inhi yaadon ki khaatir uska shehar me dum ghuTta tha.. yahan aakar use pata chala, ki use apne maazi me rehne ki zaroorat nahi thi.. aur naahi use bhoolne ki.. use zaroorat thi apne maazi ke saath aage baRne ki.. Ab use sukuun sa tha.. ab use bhaagne ki koi aas nahi thi.. ab who apne maazi ke saath hi apne bhavishya ka saamna karna chahta tha..

Chal.. shehar waapas chalet hain yaar.. Yusuf ne kaha.. usne muR kar nahi dekha ki Gurmez ka chehra kya keh raha tha..

Kuchh der tak dono doston ne kuchh na kaha.. bas, aas paas ke sannate ko sunte rahe…

Phir Gurmez ne ek thandi saans bhari aur kaha…

Sharma BOHAT bhaRkega!”

.. aur dono dost hans paRe…

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[banjara'''']

hi banno g
how r u?
aap k hathon main thame hwe klam main kitni slahiytain chuppi hui hain..yeh to khair pahle se jan chuke thay ham..mgar aaj tak woh slahiytain sirf shayri ki sorat main thin..wohi bat apki ,,k ,,6 jumlon main bat samne a jati hay...mgar aap k klam main aik or khobi ka izhar dekha or parha to khushi hui....
infact jab koi acha likhta hay to khushi ti hoti hi hay..or jab koi apna is kadar acha likhta hay..to khushi double ho gi na..or us per sone pe sohaga yeh k abhi to aap ki pahli koshish thi..
aap ne samjhana chaha k zmane k sath sath insan badala chala raha hay..aik chote se gaon ka aik shrarti sa larka..jis ki khwahishian goun ki had se zara bahir ki hain..jab shaeh main jata hay..to apne aap main gum ho kar apne past bhol jata hay..apni khwhiahon main kho jata hay..unhe pora karne ki koshish main lag jata hay..magar jab woh is kabil ho jata hay k unhe pora kar sake to..to use woh khwhishian bemaqsad lagne lagti hain..insan ka mazi choti choti khwahishian hi yadgar bnati hain..
baki jahan tak bat tanqeed ki hay to..aap ne yosaf k character achi atrah zahir kiya..mgar kahin kami thi to us ki us zindagi ..jise woh bhol chuka tha,,matlab us ka bachpan..or woh zindagi jis main woh kho gya tha..matlab us present..in main kuch contrast btana chahiye tha,,aik chote se paragraph main ,,mukhtasar magar jamay andaz main...
any way...hmari taraf se is pahli koshish ki kamyabi per mubarakbad kabool kijiye ga...
thanks..
aik banjara'''''
jin k naseeb main lahasil rehna hay...

[Afshan]

Khan bhai..

Apne sahi kaha.. ye khaami humne bhi notice ki thi.. shayad kahaani ko chhoti karne ki koshish kuchh zyada hi ho gayi.. kuchh details zehen me thi.. jo jald baazi me shayad bayaan nahikar sake.. hum chahte the ki paRne waale ko mehsus ho ki apne maazi ko peechhe chhodne ki chah me yusuf ne kya kya kho diya...

Khair.. pehli koshish thi.. ahista ahista seekhenge.. aap yunhi apni sachchi rai dete rehne aur sikhaate rehna..

[ghayalparwana]

hmm..to ye hunr bhi chupaaye rakha tha aapne..

Jahan tak shayri ka sawaal tha to wahan to aapne apna ik mukaam pa hi liya tha aur aaj aapki ye pehli koshish bata rahi hai ke aap is forum mein bhi khoob naam kamayengi..

Aapki yeh kahaani achhi lagi aur inspiring bhi..jo kuchh aapne apne aakhri 2 paragraphs mein likha actually saari kahani mein sabse attractive aur sabse intense part wohi tha..aur usme aapki literary brilliance saaf jhalakti hai..

Baaki isse improve karne ke baare mein to main kuchh raaye nahin de sakta qki main nahin samajhta ke is art of writing mein mujhe kuchh zyaada maloom hai..magar haan jo piece of writing aapko baand kar rakhe meri nazar mein wohi achhi hoti hai..aur ye story achhi thi

Keep writing..

[Afshan]

Varinder,

Hume pata hota hai ki aap dost humaara honsla zaroor baRaenge.. isiliye yun 'experiment' karne ki himmat rakhte hain..

Hume to is kahaani me kaii khaamiyaan nazar aayi.. jinmese ek to Khan bhai ne bata di.. Koshish karenge ki ise zara improve kar paaye..

Tum yunhi himmat baandhte rehna..thanks!

[meena chheda]

meri banno,
bahot hi jakad ke rakhne wali kahani.....
sara wakt kahi bhi link tut ti nahi....
kahani ka koi foot lenth nahi hota... chhoti ho..... thhodi lambi ho... ya fir kabhi jyada chhoti jaise 1 hi pera ho aur kabhi lage maano chhoti si novel hai kya.... kuchh bhi ho par is ka ek tay hota hai k oos maie ek sharara hona chahiyae
kuchh aisa jo hamae chunka de... ya sochne par majboor kare... ya kabhi jo sochte ho oos se ekdam hi alag roop achanak saamne aa jaaye....
tumhari is kahani maie sachhai ka roop achanak saamne aa gaya hai... yahi is kahani ka sharara hai.... achanak hi aankho k saamne baat khulti hai k zindgi jo biit gayi hai oos k paas ham laut nahi sakte oos k liyae rook nahi sakte aur khaas baat oose bhulne ki bhi jaroorat nahi oose sathh liyae aage badho.... yahi jivan hai
banno..... aur sathh hi yah bhi kahungi k... tumne sawaand jo kahani maie jaroori hota hai oose bhi bahot khubi se pash kiya hai... oon sanwaado maie sahajta .... apnapan.... majaak sab khubi se pash kiya hai... koi n kah sake k yah pahli kahani hai tumhari....
khush raho aur aage badhho....... muje bahot hi aanad aaya..
shayed yaha aur bhi likh leti par aaj jara jaldi maie hu....

[Afshan]

Pyaari Meena..

Sach kaho to tumhari post se hume bohat kuchh seekhne mila.. Jaise ki ek story me kaunse mudde important hote hain.. kaunsi details ko atttention dena chahiye.. Ab aage se ye sab zehen me rakh kar likha karenge.. aur jaldbaazi nahi karenge.. aur zyada short karne ki bhi koshish nahi karenge..

Bas.. yunhi aap sab humaari madad karte rehna.. bhetar likhne me..