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Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai.
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Rohin
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Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai. - 16th February 2005, 01:34 PM

Hi Everyone,

This is my first gazal .... I had earlier posted it on a friends post.

but many couldn't read it.... I would be grateful if people who are aware of the rules of shari and gazal writing can help me to improve on the nuances of writing gazals...

All kind of critical analysis would be highly appreciated


Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai...
Kahan shuru kahan khatam hoti hai..

Kabhi khushi banke hoti hai..
Kabhi pani banke hoti hai..

Kabhi dil ki dhadkan mein hoti hai..
kabhi hoton ke geet mein hoti hai

Kabhi shor mein hoti hai..
Kabhi khamoshi mein hoti hai..

Ek khayal ke shuruat hoti hai..
Ek khayal ka ant hoti hai..

Har shayar ke saath hoti hai..
"Rohin" Ke pehli gazal mein hoti hai..



Hoping to hear from all of you

Thanks


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Re: Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai.
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ruhani
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Re: Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai. - 16th February 2005, 03:29 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Rohin
Hi Everyone,

This is my first gazal .... I had earlier posted it on a friends post.

but many couldn't read it.... I would be grateful if people who are aware of the rules of shari and gazal writing can help me to improve on the nuances of writing gazals...

All kind of critical analysis would be highly appreciated


Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai...
Kahan shuru kahan khatam hoti hai..

Kabhi khushi banke hoti hai..
Kabhi pani banke hoti hai..

Kabhi dil ki dhadkan mein hoti hai..
kabhi hoton ke geet mein hoti hai

Kabhi shor mein hoti hai..
Kabhi khamoshi mein hoti hai..

Ek khayal ke shuruat hoti hai..
Ek khayal ka ant hoti hai..

Har shayar ke saath hoti hai..
"Rohin" Ke pehli gazal mein hoti hai..



Hoping to hear from all of you

Thanks
dear robin,
well awesome words written by u buddy. well said. keep writing in future too. all the best. god bless u.
   
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sakzuphel
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16th February 2005, 04:30 PM

hi ruhani
well those words were splendid,
were deep from ur heart,
have enough hope to keep urself happy,
my hearty wishes to u that u w'll surely get numerous reply from all of our friends in shayri.com.
keep writing& iwll surely read all of urs,reply too
with lots of love &prayers
urs everloving friend


sakzuphel
   
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ruhani
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16th February 2005, 06:20 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by sakzuphel
hi ruhani
well those words were splendid,
were deep from ur heart,
have enough hope to keep urself happy,
my hearty wishes to u that u w'll surely get numerous reply from all of our friends in shayri.com.
keep writing& iwll surely read all of urs,reply too
with lots of love &prayers
urs everloving friend
dear sakzuphel,
well i am sorry i didnt get u. this post is of rohin not me. plz be clear wat u wanted to say.
   
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Re: Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai.
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garima
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Re: Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai. - 16th February 2005, 10:56 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Rohin
Hi Everyone,

This is my first gazal .... I had earlier posted it on a friends post.

but many couldn't read it.... I would be grateful if people who are aware of the rules of shari and gazal writing can help me to improve on the nuances of writing gazals...

All kind of critical analysis would be highly appreciated


Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai...
Kahan shuru kahan khatam hoti hai..

Kabhi khushi banke hoti hai..
Kabhi pani banke hoti hai..

Kabhi dil ki dhadkan mein hoti hai..
kabhi hoton ke geet mein hoti hai

Kabhi shor mein hoti hai..
Kabhi khamoshi mein hoti hai..

Ek khayal ke shuruat hoti hai..
Ek khayal ka ant hoti hai..

Har shayar ke saath hoti hai..
"Rohin" Ke pehli gazal mein hoti hai..



Hoping to hear from all of you

Thanks

Hello Rohin,
well its very nice friend.
keep it up ....
I like this very much.
wish U will write better and better in coming time
take care
garima


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Re: Re: Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai.
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Rohin
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Re: Re: Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai. - 16th February 2005, 11:01 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by ruhani
dear robin,
well awesome words written by u buddy. well said. keep writing in future too. all the best. god bless u.
Hi Ruhani,

I am glad you liked it ...Keep reading

thanks
Rohin


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Re: Re: Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai.
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Rohin
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Re: Re: Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai. - 16th February 2005, 11:07 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by garima
Hello Rohin,
well its very nice friend.
keep it up ....
I like this very much.
wish U will write better and better in coming time
take care
garima
Hi Garima,

i am glad you liked it...

I hope to keep up with the expectations

thanks
Rohin


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hi
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shayri12345
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hi - 16th February 2005, 11:14 PM

hi nice words rohin and true



dilwale kehtey hai teen shabd aur dil begana ho jata hai
par kabhi kabhi ye kahani bas bemani hoti hai

haan! har shabd ki ek kahani hoti hai
kabhi dukh bhari kabhi suhani hoti hai

Priya


Akhihaan milaake chan'na paavi na Judayi Vey .......

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Jisnu Lagey, ohi'yo jaane, Kaun Jaane peer parayi!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   
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Re: hi
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Rohin
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Re: hi - 16th February 2005, 11:40 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by LuvPriya
hi nice words rohin and true



dilwale kehtey hai teen shabd aur dil begana ho jata hai
par kabhi kabhi ye kahani bas bemani hoti hai

haan! har shabd ki ek kahani hoti hai
kabhi dukh bhari kabhi suhani hoti hai

Priya
Hi Priya,

thanks buddy for sharing your wonderful words here...

I am glad you liked mine

Thanks
Rohin


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Pulkit_gupta
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17th February 2005, 01:55 PM

Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai...
Kahan shuru kahan khatam hoti hai..

Kabhi khushi banke hoti hai..
Kabhi pani banke hoti hai..

Kabhi dil ki dhadkan mein hoti hai..
kabhi hoton ke geet mein hoti hai

Kabhi shor mein hoti hai..
Kabhi khamoshi mein hoti hai..

Ek khayal ke shuruat hoti hai..
Ek khayal ka ant hoti hai..

Har shayar ke saath hoti hai..
"Rohin" Ke pehli gazal mein hoti hai..


Rohin,

Pehli Koshsish ke hisaab se dekhoon to tumhari ghazal behtreen lagi...Agar aaj ke Rohin ke nazar se dekhoon to Technically sound nahi hai....

Words.. As Always have been ur strength.. that can be see here 2... Mujhe to bahut achi lagi....

No need to say.. that u had those skills from the start


Kab sochaa thha milegaa humsafar "Shweta" jaisaa
Lagta hai is baar "Pulkit", kismat teri bhi rang laayii hai
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Rohin
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20th February 2005, 05:08 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Pulkit_gupta

Rohin,

Pehli Koshsish ke hisaab se dekhoon to tumhari ghazal behtreen lagi...Agar aaj ke Rohin ke nazar se dekhoon to Technically sound nahi hai....

Words.. As Always have been ur strength.. that can be see here 2... Mujhe to bahut achi lagi....

No need to say.. that u had those skills from the start
Haan u are right its not technically sound and I am glad u told me abt it...

well I will correct the Ghazal in a more technically proficient way and then let me kow if i missed anything

thanks
Rohin


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Corrections on the first
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Rohin
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Corrections on the first - 20th February 2005, 05:32 PM

Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai
zimdagi se maut tak ki Kahani hoti hai

Ek khayal se lavzon ki shuruat hoti
toh ant, banke ek ghazal suhani hoti hai

Dil ki dhadkan se nikli ek awaaz ka
izhaar ankhoon ke jubaani hoti hai

bewafa Mehboob ke hulchul mein khoyi yaadein
tanhayeei mein hi yaad aani hoti hai

Har shayar ke saath hota hai "Rohin"
bayan karne mein mushkile aani hoti hai


Hope this is better then the first and i hope you all will keep providing me suggestions to improve

Thanks
Rohin


http://www.thoughtsunbound.com a place for my thoughts
   
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Re: Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai.
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friendnidhi
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Re: Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai. - 23rd February 2005, 12:19 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Rohin
Hi Everyone,

This is my first gazal .... I had earlier posted it on a friends post.

but many couldn't read it.... I would be grateful if people who are aware of the rules of shari and gazal writing can help me to improve on the nuances of writing gazals...

All kind of critical analysis would be highly appreciated


Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai...
Kahan shuru kahan khatam hoti hai..

Kabhi khushi banke hoti hai..
Kabhi pani banke hoti hai..

Kabhi dil ki dhadkan mein hoti hai..
kabhi hoton ke geet mein hoti hai

Kabhi shor mein hoti hai..
Kabhi khamoshi mein hoti hai..

Ek khayal ke shuruat hoti hai..
Ek khayal ka ant hoti hai..

Har shayar ke saath hoti hai..
"Rohin" Ke pehli gazal mein hoti hai..



Hoping to hear from all of you

Thanks
Superbly written dear, i wuud like to moderate it only if u dont mind

Har lafz ki ek kahani hoti hai
kahi se shuru kahin par khatam hoti hai

kabhi khusi to kabhi dukh mein hoti hai
kabhi dard to kabhi dawa mein hoti hai

kabhi dil to kabhi dharkan mein hoti hai
to kabhi rohin ke geeton mein hoti hai

kabhi shor to kabhi khamoshi mein hoti hai
zindagi ke har pehlu mein hoti hai

khayalton ke zustju mein hoti hai
har shayar ke sath mein hoti hai

har lafz ki ek kahani hoti hai
rohin ki pehli gazal mein hoti hai

well i am not a moderator, nor i have ever written a gazal, but according to me it shud have been something like this, i hope rohin and admirers of rohin dont mind for this moderation

Regards Nidhi


Na Chaho kisi ko itna ~ ~ ki chahat tumhari majboori ban jaye ~ ~ chaho kisi ko itna ki ~ ~ tumhara pyar us ke liye zaroori ban jaye...............


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Rohin
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23rd February 2005, 12:28 AM

Hi Nidhi,

I didn't mind ur modifications at all

i think they were superb...

Thanks a lot for making those corrections

Rohin


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Re: Corrections on the first
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Re: Corrections on the first - 23rd February 2005, 12:31 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Rohin
Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai
zimdagi se maut tak ki Kahani hoti hai

Ek khayal se lavzon ki shuruat hoti
toh ant, banke ek ghazal suhani hoti hai

Dil ki dhadkan se nikli ek awaaz ka
izhaar ankhoon ke jubaani hoti hai

bewafa Mehboob ke hulchul mein khoyi yaadein
tanhayeei mein hi yaad aani hoti hai

Har shayar ke saath hota hai "Rohin"
bayan karne mein mushkile aani hoti hai


Hope this is better then the first and i hope you all will keep providing me suggestions to improve

Thanks
Rohin
Acha hai rohin yeh bhi bahut acha hai

ek khayal se lafzon ki shuruat hoti hai
aur woh ek gazal ka akar leti hai

dil ki dharkan se nikli har awaz
us gazal ki zuban hoti hai

shayad mehboob nahi bewafa
is khayal ki shuruat bhi ek gazal ke sahare hoti hai

Regards Nidhi


Na Chaho kisi ko itna ~ ~ ki chahat tumhari majboori ban jaye ~ ~ chaho kisi ko itna ki ~ ~ tumhara pyar us ke liye zaroori ban jaye...............


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prachurb
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23rd February 2005, 01:00 AM

kya baat hai rohin bhai..

pehli gazal mein hi sixer....

jahan phoolon ko khilna tha, wahan bhanwre ki hulchul machaayi
jahan sitaaron ko jagmagaana tha, wahan chand ki roshni failaayi

likte raho


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Rohin
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23rd February 2005, 01:02 AM

Wah Prachur paaji,

Bahut khub ...

Yunhi sheron ko likhte raha karo

Thanks
Rohin


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Re: Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai.
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priyanka jain
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Re: Meri Pehle Gazal--Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai. - 23rd February 2005, 04:48 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Rohin
Hi Everyone,

This is my first gazal .... I had earlier posted it on a friends post.

but many couldn't read it.... I would be grateful if people who are aware of the rules of shari and gazal writing can help me to improve on the nuances of writing gazals...

All kind of critical analysis would be highly appreciated


Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai...
Kahan shuru kahan khatam hoti hai..

Kabhi khushi banke hoti hai..
Kabhi pani banke hoti hai..

Kabhi dil ki dhadkan mein hoti hai..
kabhi hoton ke geet mein hoti hai

Kabhi shor mein hoti hai..
Kabhi khamoshi mein hoti hai..

Ek khayal ke shuruat hoti hai..
Ek khayal ka ant hoti hai..

Har shayar ke saath hoti hai..
"Rohin" Ke pehli gazal mein hoti hai..



Hoping to hear from all of you

Thanks

well .. rohin...

u have written it superbly...

aur guruji hum aapko kya galtiya bataye ... aap to humare guru hai....

aapne bahut hi acha likha hai....

well tumhare ghazal se rhyme karta hua ek sher....

dillagi dosto ke naam hoti hai...
dildari dosto ki shaan hoti hai....
kahi bhi raho par rahoge dil mein mere....
yahi sachi dosti ki pehchaan hoti hai........

bye.. keep it up....
   
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Re: Corrections on the first
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garima
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Re: Corrections on the first - 23rd February 2005, 05:23 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Rohin
Har lavz ki ek kahani hoti hai
zimdagi se maut tak ki Kahani hoti hai

Ek khayal se lavzon ki shuruat hoti
toh ant, banke ek ghazal suhani hoti hai

Dil ki dhadkan se nikli ek awaaz ka
izhaar ankhoon ke jubaani hoti hai

bewafa Mehboob ke hulchul mein khoyi yaadein
tanhayeei mein hi yaad aani hoti hai

Har shayar ke saath hota hai "Rohin"
bayan karne mein mushkile aani hoti hai


Hope this is better then the first and i hope you all will keep providing me suggestions to improve

Thanks
Rohin

Rohin ,
der se aane ke liye maafe chahati hoo.
bahoot achha likha hai .. mujhe khaas taur se ye line pasand aayi-----
Ek khayal se lavzon ki shuruat hoti
toh ant, banke ek ghazal suhani hoti hai

Dil ki dhadkan se nikli ek awaaz ka
izhaar ankhoon ke jubaani hoti hai

bahoot achha likha hai dost ... aage bhi kadam rakhate rahanaa.

fil haal har ant ki ek kahani hoti hai
har ant ke baad suruaat suhani hoti hai

ek naye suraat ke liye abhi alwida

garima


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Rohin
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23rd February 2005, 05:25 PM

Hi Priyanka,

thanks for liking it...

i just hope i keep improving

Thanks a lot

Rohin


http://www.thoughtsunbound.com a place for my thoughts
   
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Re: Re: Corrections on the first
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Rohin
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Re: Re: Corrections on the first - 23rd February 2005, 05:41 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by garima
Rohin ,
der se aane ke liye maafe chahati hoo.
bahoot achha likha hai .. mujhe khaas taur se ye line pasand aayi-----
Ek khayal se lavzon ki shuruat hoti
toh ant, banke ek ghazal suhani hoti hai

Dil ki dhadkan se nikli ek awaaz ka
izhaar ankhoon ke jubaani hoti hai

bahoot achha likha hai dost ... aage bhi kadam rakhate rahanaa.

fil haal har ant ki ek kahani hoti hai
har ant ke baad suruaat suhani hoti hai

ek naye suraat ke liye abhi alwida

garima
Hi Garima,

I am glad you liked this...
Late hone ki kya baat hai...
Mein bhi jaanta hoon yeh abhi bahut achi to nahi hai...Haan acha likhne ka prayatn kar raha hoon

Haan ek naye shuruat to honi hi hai...

Thanks
Rohin


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priyanka jain
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23rd February 2005, 05:42 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Rohin
Hi Priyanka,

thanks for liking it...

i just hope i keep improving

Thanks a lot

Rohin
hi again rohin....

you are most welcome and i should thank u for letting us know this beautiful ghazal....

bye
   
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HI!
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komal5
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HI! - 23rd February 2005, 08:17 PM

HI..rohin...when i read the gazal on the 1st page...i found it simple n sweet...!ya tht thought ws very clear..like a fresh small bud..! still i kind of felt tht sumthing ..may be perfcet rhythm ...was missing!..but the modified one is Superb..tht ws sumthing i think is perfect!!..yes but the earlier one is clear like water...u have in ur avtaar..so do keep both d versions wid u!

sory m very late 2 reply..but gud i caught this post!

tc
komal


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23rd February 2005, 08:49 PM

Hi Komal ji,

I know the first one was clear...
But you know sometimes as a writer of Ghazal its better to hide things from the listner and put it thru a punchline...
I think i missed that in both my attempts...
But like u said it is on the path of improvement and i will cherish them...
Till this one becomes a highly refined one...
People will also be able to see who are learning how to write better and how words get transformed from a bad to a good form

Thanks for ur inputs buddy

Rohin


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hiiiiiiiiii rohin
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karan q
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hiiiiiiiiii rohin - 20th March 2005, 02:29 AM

jab shayar pehli baar kuch likhta hai
aksar wo gazal bachkaani hoti hai

aap hazaar bachaao dil ko lekin
aankhen to ladjaani hoti hai

jab ghazal me tukkabandi aa jaaye
aksar masle ki kurbani hoti hai


hahahaha
accha bahoot accha.. magar sach kahun to khuch bhee nahi
this is sort of hindi kavitaa
no qaafiya avilable there... mai bhee doosre logon ki tarah
accha or bahoot acchi koshish keh sakta houn
lekin tum mere ajeej ho or chaahta hooun ki bahoot aage jaao
iss poerty me bas ek he khaas baat hai
ki tumne kuch to likhne ki shuruwaat ki hai
kaheen se bhee sahi lekin ki hai
magar yakeenan augar kaheen mushayra ho
or kaviyon me baith ker sunani pad jaaye
to kubool na hogi.. koi baat nahi likho or likhte raho
jab hum roti banate hain pehli baar to akser jal jaati hai

augar khane waala uss jali hui roti ko tasty bataaye to
banane waala humesha jali hui roti he banayega
issliye ... carry on and just keep on trying
the day will come when i will come in your post
and will tell you that really your words are just awesome and unbeatable
wait for that time.. i know it will happen
tab tak keep on trying
this poerty is lacking qaafiyaa
poori poerty me nahi hai
ryhme hai lekin qaafiya nahi hai
bina qaafiye ke ghazals nahi likhi ja sakti
baaki her cheez me compromise ho jaata hai
baad me modification me qaafiya to aaya hai
but ussme bahoot kuch jabardasti daala huaa hai
ghazal ka ek hunar yaar rahe rohin.. jaroori nahi ghazal badi ho

magar lafz wo he aayen jo ghazal ya phir qataa deserve kerta
hai ..



izzajat
karan.q


Fainsle Qayamat taq multavee ho gaye
Sach kahe na gaye to shayri ho gaye

Mai or samander,do gehre khwaab khuda ke.....

Last edited by karan q; 20th March 2005 at 02:36 AM..
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Re: hiiiiiiiiii rohin
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Rohin
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Re: hiiiiiiiiii rohin - 20th March 2005, 04:54 AM

Hi Karan,

Yeh meri pehli koshish thi...

Sahi kahoon to tum bilkul theek keh rahe ho...
Meine qafiya ko dhyan mein nahi rakha tha...
Agar rakha hota to yeh shayad kuch behtar hoti
Likh diya tha kkuch khayal jo man mein the

But I really appreiciate you helping me out...

I know I do not know even a word of urdu properly
Isliye abhi seekh raha hoon..
Tumhe bhi yahan isliye hi bulaya tha...
Pehle to ki kuch agar acha ya bura ho woh pata chal jaaye
Aur doosra meri hi tarah kitne sikhna chahte honge..
Woh bhi mujhe develop hota hua dekh kuch seekh payenge

Well Tumne jo kaha theek kaha...
Haan meine isse pehli gazal kaha apni..
Kyonki yeh meri pehli koshish hai...

I have taken note of ur comments and next time I attempt a gazal i will invite you.... Keep reading and pin point my mistakes in writing... I would really appreciate all comments

Thanks
Rohin


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