Tanhayee - my first gazal!

[Mahek]

Namaste to all! - I have been reading a lot of shayari and for the first time thought I should write one myself - give it a shot and see if there is any hope for me in sher-o-shayari duniya! - ofcourse I would not have been able to come up with something presentable for this forum had it not been for Anamika-jee who helped me fix it up a little - to bahut himmat battor ke hum apna pehla kalaam pesh kar rahe hain - all feedback will be very much appreciated

Pyaar kiya Tumse to Sazaa me Paayi Tanhayee
Toote Dil ki hain Parchchaayi Tanhayee

Yeh Dil Bewafaa se Wafaa Chahta tha
kyon Dil ke Raaste main Aayi Tanhayee

Kal dikhaayi dete the jahan Sapne beshumaar
ab in Aankhon me hain Chchaayi Tanhayee

Manzil se pehle hi doob gayi Khwabon ki Kashti
Ashkon ke Samundar mein Lehraayi Tanhayee

Jee lete hum sirf teri Yaadon ke Sahaare
Par teri Yaadein bhi Sang apne Laayi Tanhayee

[Feroz]

mehak ji
aap kaa is mehfil meiN sawaagat hai..

aap kii ghazal paDhii.. aur maiN mubaarkabaad denaa chaahtaa huuN ke aap ne itnii achchii koshish kii.. zaahir hai ke aap ne duniya e sher o sukhaN meiN abhii abhii qadam rakhaa hai.. is liiye aap se ghuzaarish hai ki aap apnii har ghazal ko "siikhney kii khwaahish" se post kiiyaa kiijiyegaa. bahr kii samajh aaney meiN kayii dafaa der lag jaatii hai .. lekin ye naa mumkin kaam nahiiN..

mere khyaal se sab se aasaan tariikaa hai ke aap kisii mash_hoor e zamaanaa ghazal ko paDh kar us kii bahr par apnii ghazal kahaa kareiN.. kaash mere paas har qism kii bahr kii misaaleiN hotiiN to maiN zarur bataa detaa.. lekin jaisaa mainey kahaa ki aap shuru shuru meiN kisii mash_hoor ghazal par apnii ghazal kaheiN .... jab waqt ho to aisii kisii ghazal kii taraz gungunaatey huey.. puuraa sher na sahii, ek misraa hii kahney kii koshish kiijiyye..

jo ghazal aap ne kahii hai us ke baarey meiN kuchh baateiN...
1.
Pyaar kiya Tumse to Sazaa me Paayi Tanhayee
Toote Dil ki hain Parchchaayi Tanhayee
>...is sher ka bunyaadi khyaal bahut achaa hai.. is sher ke pahley misrey ko paDh kar sochtaa huN ki aap ko ye ghazal is bahr par kahnii chaahiye thii
pyaar kiiyaa tumse to humney sazaa meiN paayii tanhaayii
tere saath guzaarey lamhoN kii parchchayii tanhaayii

I want you to read this sher that i have suggested and try to fix the rest of the ghazal urself....



Feroz

[Mahek]

hausla afzai ka bahut shukirya feroz-jee - hum aapke salaah aur bataye example par zarur gaur karenge - thanks a lot!

- Mahek -