koee guncha TooT ke gir gayaa, koee shaakh gul kii lachak gayee

[dheer]

yaaraan e anjuman!! aadaab ar^z!!

jis tarah kalaamoN pe dostoN kee aavajahee kam huee hai, usee tarah zeh'n meiN khayaal bhee gaahe gaahe aate hai!! phir bhee kabhee kabhaar kuchh jee meiN aataa hai to likh letaa huN. is baar Dr. bashir bad'r ke pasandida meter meiN ghazal kahne kee koshish kee hai!! agar waqt mile to nigaahe karam farmaayiyegaa aur apnee aaraaish se nawaaziyegaa!!

shukriyaa!!

koee guncha TooT ke gir gayaa, koee shaakh gul kii lachak gayee,
kaheeN hijr aayaa naseeb meiN, kaheeN zulf e husn mahak gayee!

jo aziyatoN ki sharaab thi, mire kaaghazoN pe chhalak gayee,
mire sheroN naghme machal uThe, miree shaa'iree hee bahak gayee!

naheeN aise ishq meiN laz'zateN,jahaaN sikwe hai nah shikaayateN,
tiree talkhiyaaN to azeez thee, tiree chuppi dil ko khaTak gayee!

kabhee chand hai kabhee aafataab mizaaz e yaad e habeeb bhee,
kabhee phool ban ke mahak uThee, kabhee aag ban ke dahak gayee!

wale teer dil meiN chubhe rahe, magar hoTh phir bhee sile rahe,
nah sahee gayee to kalam ke raste khalish jigar ki jhalak gayee!

tujhe koee ranj o malaal thaa,jo tiree nigah meiN sawaal thaa,
tire hoTh jisko chhipaa gaye,tiree aaNkh phir bhi chhalak gayee!

mujhe shaam ghar pe guzaarnaa,mire hamsafar ne sikhaa diyaa,
mujhe dar pe dekh woh raah takati nigaah kaisi chamak gayee!

[Dhaval]

Dheer bhaiya:

namaste!!

aapke qalaam ko jab bhee bazm meN deKhtaa huuN.. to kuch seeKhne kii ummid aur paRhne kii KhuShii dil meiN mehsoos kartaa huuN... aik kaamyaab Ghazal par merii diilii daad-o-mubaaraqbaad qabUl farmaa'iiyeNgaa.. waise you poorii Ghazal beHteriN lagii .. kuch Sher dil ko be-had pasaNd aayeN.. jaise kii..

naheeN aise ishq meiN laz'zateN,jahaaN sikwe hai nah shikaayateN,
tiree talkhiyaaN to azeez thee, tiree chuppi dil ko khaTak gayee!

Bahot Khuub..!!

tujhe koee ranj o malaal thaa,jo tiree nigah meiN sawaal thaa,
tire hoTh jisko chhipaa gaye,tiree aaNkh phir bhi chhalak gayee!

YuuNhi bazm kii raunaq afzA'ii karte raheN.. KhuSh raheN... apnaa Khayaal raKheN

duaaoN ke saath ijaazat

aapka

~ Dhaval

[mausam]

tujhe koee ranj o malaal thaa,jo tiree nigah meiN sawaal thaa,
tire hoTh jisko chhipaa gaye,tiree aaNkh phir bhi chhalak gayee!

mujhe shaam ghar pe guzaarnaa,mire hamsafar ne sikhaa diyaa,
mujhe dar pe dekh woh raah takati nigaah kaisi chamak gayee!


yeh ghazal bhi khub rahin dheer ji.............daad kubool kare....ek baat puchni thi"wale teer dil meiN chubhe rahe, magar hoTh phir bhee sile rahe,"......"wale" ko kya pronounce karna hain.....mujhe nahin samajh aa raha..aap bata de....wale hota kya hain???????baaki ghazal khoob rahin...........aap zyada yaaha aaya kijeye to apko bazm se shikayat nahin rahegi

mausam

[dheer]

Originally Posted by dhavalrami4you

Dheer bhaiya:

namaste!!

aapke qalaam ko jab bhee bazm meN deKhtaa huuN.. to kuch seeKhne kii ummid aur paRhne kii KhuShii dil meiN mehsoos kartaa huuN... aik kaamyaab Ghazal par merii diilii daad-o-mubaaraqbaad qabUl farmaa'iiyeNgaa.. waise you poorii Ghazal beHteriN lagii .. kuch Sher dil ko be-had pasaNd aayeN.. jaise kii..
Bahot Khuub..!!


YuuNhi bazm kii raunaq afzA'ii karte raheN.. KhuSh raheN... apnaa Khayaal raKheN

duaaoN ke saath ijaazat

aapka

~ Dhaval

kyaa haal hai dhaval!!
bhaai daad dil o jaan se qabool hai aur shukriyaa bhee adaa karta huN. ye bataao keh jo homework tumhe milaa thaa uskaa kyaa huaa???? kuchh likhaa yah naheeN ?? bataao bhaai!!

[dheer]

Originally Posted by mausam

tujhe koee ranj o malaal thaa,jo tiree nigah meiN sawaal thaa,
tire hoTh jisko chhipaa gaye,tiree aaNkh phir bhi chhalak gayee!

mujhe shaam ghar pe guzaarnaa,mire hamsafar ne sikhaa diyaa,
mujhe dar pe dekh woh raah takati nigaah kaisi chamak gayee!


yeh ghazal bhi khub rahin dheer ji.............daad kubool kare....ek baat puchni thi"wale teer dil meiN chubhe rahe, magar hoTh phir bhee sile rahe,"......"wale" ko kya pronounce karna hain.....mujhe nahin samajh aa raha..aap bata de....wale hota kya hain???????baaki ghazal khoob rahin...........aap zyada yaaha aaya kijeye to apko bazm se shikayat nahin rahegi

mausam

namaste ji!!
dad ke liye mamnoon huN. achchhaa lagaa keh aapne sawaal kiyaa ...
:wale: kaa matlab :bhale: :bhale hee: :although: hotaa hai and waise hee pronounce karte hai jaise :bhale: ko karte hai. sirf bh kee jagah :wa: ho jaataa hai. asal meiN urdu meiN bhale ko wale bhee kahaa jaataa hai aur aam taur par isee ko istemaal karte hai!!
agar aur koee sawaal ho to aapkaa swaagat hai. mujhe khushee hogee!!

shukriyaa!!

[muKhlis]

aadaab Dheer saaHib,

kaise mizaaj haiN janaab ke? ummeed hai k achchhe hoNge

aapne Ghazal 'inaayat kii jise paRh kar bahot lutf aayaa. aapkaa andaaz judaagaana hai. aapke kalaam meN naGhmagii hotii hai aur Ghazal kaa mizaaj 'aashiqaana hotaa hai aur aisii GhazleN mujhe bahot pasand aatii haiN. shukria is 'inaayat kaa.

aapne chuN k farmaayaa hai k apnii aaraa se aapko mattal'a karuuN lihaazaa chalaa aayaa aapkii Ghazal par apnii "do-kauRii" Daalne ummeed hai k kuchh Khayaal nahiiN kareNge thank you!

sab se pahle jo baat maiN kahnaa chaahuuNgaa aur jo ba-yak nazar khaTaktii hai vo yeh hai k aapkii Ghazal ke qawaafii. aapne jis talaffuz se in qawaafii ko baaNdhe haiN ya barte ahiN vo chuNk saHeeH talaffuz nahiiN hai is liye aapke chand ek qawaafii Ghair mauzooN haiN. misaal ke taur par aapne matl'e meN "lachak" aur "mahak" alfaaz ko baandhaa hai. lachak aur mahak kaa ek talaffuz nahiiN hai. mahak ka saHeeH talaffuz hai "mahEk" ..ya'nii chak meN zabar use hua hai jab k mahEk meN zer hai is liye mahEk ba-taur-e-qaafiya durust nahiiN hai. aise hii maiN un tamaam qawaafii kii nishaan-dehii kiye detaa huN jo talaffuz kii vajah se Ghair-qaanoonii ho gaye haiN.

bahAk = bahEk
dahAk = dahEk

nazr-e-saanii kar lijiye aur in qawaafii ko kinhiiN aur qawaafii se mutaabaadil kar dijiye taa k qawaafii mauzooN ho jayeN

ab aate ahiN ek ek she'r kii taraf:

koee guncha TooT ke gir gayaa, koee shaakh gul kii lachak gayee,
kaheeN hijr aayaa naseeb meiN, kaheeN zulf e husn mahak gayee!

"zulf-e-Husn" kii tarkeet mujhe saHeeH nahiiN lagtii kiuN k iskaa matlab huaa "Husn ke baal". agar aap "Husn-e-zulf" ba-ma'nii "baal ka Husn" baratte to munaasib hotaa

jo aziyatoN ki sharaab thi, mire kaaghazoN pe chhalak gayee,
mire sheroN naghme machal uThe, miree shaa'iree hee bahak gayee!

azeeyat kii sharaab kii istilaaH Ghair maanoos lagii mujhe. aap Sarwar saaHib se bhii ruj'uu kar lijiyegaa is zimn meN. shukria.

naheeN aise ishq meiN laz'zateN,jahaaN sikwe hai nah shikaayateN,
tiree talkhiyaaN to azeez thee, tiree chuppi dil ko khaTak gayee!

sikwe=shakwe
thee=thiiN

lafz-e-"chuppi" zaraa jamaa nahiiN mujhe. yeh roz-marrah kii zabaan meN to munaasib hai magar shaa'iri meN kam az kam mujhe nahiiN bhaayaa. "chup", "Khaamshii", "Khaamoshi" yaa "Khamoshi" hotaa to behtar tha amagar aapko vazn kaa masalah dar-pesh aayegaa so aap is par nazr-e-saanii kar lijiye

kabhee chand hai kabhee aafataab mizaaz e yaad e habeeb bhee,
kabhee phool ban ke mahak uThee, kabhee aag ban ke dahak gayee!

jahaN tak maiN samajhtaa huN k lafz-e-"aaftaab" Khaarij az bahr hai. aap dekh lijiyegaa, plz.

mizaaz = mizaaj

yahaaN phir ek baar vohii laGhzish huii hai. mizaaj-e-yaad-e-habeeb" ba-ma'nii "Habeeb kii yaad kaa mizaaj" bahot hii Ghair maanoos hai. yaad ke liye mizaaj kaa lafz munaasib nahiiN hai.

mahEk aur dahEk keii baabat to maiN zikr kar hii chukaa huN

wale teer dil meiN chubhe rahe, magar hoTh phir bhee sile rahe,
nah sahee gayee to kalam ke raste khalish jigar ki jhalak gayee!

wale ke ba'd comma yaa exclamation mark laga deN to behtar hogaa shaayad. mere Khayaal se, i'm NOT too sure, dusraa misr'a Khaarij az bahr hai. ek baar tasdeeq kar lijiye.

hoTh = hoNTh
kalam = qalam

"qalam-e-raste" mujhe Ghair maanoos aur Ghair munaasib lagaa hai. "Harkat-e-qalam/Khaama" hotaa to behtar hotaa aur bhalaa bhi lagtaa

tujhe koee ranj o malaal thaa,jo tiree nigah meiN sawaal thaa,
tire hoTh jisko chhipaa gaye,tiree aaNkh phir bhi chhalak gayee!

yahaN pahle misr'e meN agar aap lafz "nigaah" musta'mil kareNge to misr'a be-vazan ho jaayegaa. haN albatta, agar aap is lafz kaa muKhaffaf [nigEh] kaa iste'maal kareNge to sab Theek rahegaa

mujhe shaam ghar pe guzaarnaa,mire hamsafar ne sikhaa diyaa,
mujhe dar pe dekh woh raah takati nigaah kaisi chamak gayee!

dusra mis'e meN ibhaam hai, uljhaa huaa hai aur yeh misr'a behtarii chaahtaa hai. aur mazeed bar-aaN, misr'a Khaarij-ul-bahr bhi hai...mere Khayaal se

aapkii Ghazal majmoo'ii taur par bahot achchhi hai. aapke taKhaiyul kii parvaaz, shiddat-e-jazbaat aur andaaz-e-bayaan qaabil-e-daad o taHsen hai. meri jaanib se ek kaamiiyaab Ghazal par sad-haa mubaarbaadeN qubool kijiiye.

gustaaKhii ke liye ma'azarat-Khowaah huuN

faqat Khaak-nashiiN,

MuKhlis

[dheer]

Originally Posted by muKhlis

aadaab Dheer saaHib,

kaise mizaaj haiN janaab ke? ummeed hai k achchhe hoNge

aapne Ghazal 'inaayat kii jise paRh kar bahot lutf aayaa. aapkaa andaaz judaagaana hai. aapke kalaam meN naGhmagii hotii hai aur Ghazal kaa mizaaj 'aashiqaana hotaa hai aur aisii GhazleN mujhe bahot pasand aatii haiN. shukria is 'inaayat kaa.

aapne chuN k farmaayaa hai k apnii aaraa se aapko mattal'a karuuN lihaazaa chalaa aayaa aapkii Ghazal par apnii "do-kauRii" Daalne ummeed hai k kuchh Khayaal nahiiN kareNge thank you!

aadaab ar^z mukhlis saHeb!!
aapkaa qimtee waqt meree ghazal ko ataa karnaa baa'is e masar'rat hai! ghazal aapko pasand aayee, meree khushnaseebee.HoNslaaafzaayee ke liye shukriyaa adaa kartaa huN.

sab se pahle jo baat maiN kahnaa chaahuuNgaa aur jo ba-yak nazar khaTaktii hai vo yeh hai k aapkii Ghazal ke qawaafii. aapne jis talaffuz se in qawaafii ko baaNdhe haiN ya barte ahiN vo chuNk saHeeH talaffuz nahiiN hai is liye aapke chand ek qawaafii Ghair mauzooN haiN. misaal ke taur par aapne matl'e meN "lachak" aur "mahak" alfaaz ko baandhaa hai. lachak aur mahak kaa ek talaffuz nahiiN hai. mahak ka saHeeH talaffuz hai "mahEk" ..ya'nii chak meN zabar use hua hai jab k mahEk meN zer hai is liye mahEk ba-taur-e-qaafiya durust nahiiN hai. aise hii maiN un tamaam qawaafii kii nishaan-dehii kiye detaa huN jo talaffuz kii vajah se Ghair-qaanoonii ho gaye haiN.

bahAk = bahEk
dahAk = dahEk

nazr-e-saanii kar lijiye aur in qawaafii ko kinhiiN aur qawaafii se mutaabaadil kar dijiye taa k qawaafii mauzooN ho jayeN

akbar ilaahbaadee saHeb kaa ek sher yaad aa gayaa so aapko nazr kar rahaa huN.

nah hindi , nah urdu , nah hindostaanii
hai apnee zabaaN bas muhab'bat muhab'bat!

ghazal go shaa'irii meiN kuchh alfaazoN ke do talaffuz hote hai, aik jo khaalis urdu ke tahat bole jaate hai aur dusraa hindi yah aam bolchaal kee zabaan meiN. :bahak:,:mahak: wagehraa hindi ke talaffuz hai aur inhe urdu meiN jaisaa keh aapne bataayaa waise bolaa jaataa hai. masalan :zaaye: ko hindi meiN :zaayaa: kahaa jaataa hai. khair ghalat ul aam ko nah bhee naqaare aur aapne jo talaf'fuz bataaye unheN istemaal kar le to bhee mujhe qafiye ke alfaaz badalne kee zarurat naheeN hai. chuN'k matle meiN hee, :lachak: aur :mahEk: kaa istemaal ho jaayegaa, so kafiya matle meiN hee TooT gayaa. so koee fer-badal ke gunjaaish neheeN hai. aawaazeN :Ek: aur :ak: aik hee kafiye meiN istemaal ho sakte hai!aap nazr e saanee kar le. tasalli ho jaaye to jawaab dijiyegaa!

ab aate ahiN ek ek she'r kii taraf:

koee guncha TooT ke gir gayaa, koee shaakh gul kii lachak gayee,
kaheeN hijr aayaa naseeb meiN, kaheeN zulf e husn mahak gayee!

"zulf-e-Husn" kii tarkeet mujhe saHeeH nahiiN lagtii kiuN k iskaa matlab huaa "Husn ke baal". agar aap "Husn-e-zulf" ba-ma'nii "baal ka Husn" baratte to munaasib hotaa

aapko aisee kaee misaale urdu shaa'iree meiN mil jaayegee jahaaN :ishq: ko mehboob aur :husn: ko mehboobaa kaa darjaa diyaa jaataa hai. so yahaaN bhee :zulf e husn: se mehboobaa yah haseenaa kee zulfoN se hai. mujhe is tarqeeb meiN koee kharaabee nazar naheeN aatee. bahadur shah zafar kaa aik sher kuchh kuchh yaad aa rahaa hai so likh rahaa huN

husn ko shohrat darqaar,
ishq ko chahiye ruwaayee! (sher puree tarah yaad naheeN hai magar kuchh aisaa hee kahtaa hai)

albat'tah aapkee bataayee tarqeeb :husn e zulf: kaa matlab hai :zulf kaa husn:. zulf kaa husn saNwar to saktaa hai, nikhar to saktaa hai, par mahakane kaa kabhee sunaa naheeN. agar aap koee misaal de sake to mere ilm meiN yaqinan izaafaa hogaa.


jo aziyatoN ki sharaab thi, mire kaaghazoN pe chhalak gayee,
mire sheroN naghme machal uThe, miree shaa'iree hee bahak gayee!

azeeyat kii sharaab kii istilaaH Ghair maanoos lagii mujhe. aap Sarwar saaHib se bhii ruj'uu kar lijiyegaa is zimn meN. shukria.

shaa'iree to gham meiN bhee nashe aur bekhudee kee baat kartee hai, to aziyatoN kee sharaab kyoN naheeN ho saktee . khair maiN sarwar saHeb se bhee poochh ke aapko it'tela karuNgaa. haaN yeh ho saktaa hai ki woh koee aisee soorat bataaye jo is sher ke husn ko baRhaa de.

naheeN aise ishq meiN laz'zateN,jahaaN sikwe hai nah shikaayateN,
tiree talkhiyaaN to azeez thee, tiree chuppi dil ko khaTak gayee!

sikwe=shakwe
thee=thiiN

lafz-e-"chuppi" zaraa jamaa nahiiN mujhe. yeh roz-marrah kii zabaan meN to munaasib hai magar shaa'iri meN kam az kam mujhe nahiiN bhaayaa. "chup", "Khaamshii", "Khaamoshi" yaa "Khamoshi" hotaa to behtar tha amagar aapko vazn kaa masalah dar-pesh aayegaa so aap is par nazr-e-saanii kar lijiye


aapne yeh misraa to zaroor sunaa hogaa . mausuf shayar kaa naam bhool gayaa huN par mohtarmaa nai'yaaraa noor sahiba kee gaayee huee ghazal kaa hee misraa hai :chupki si tire sheh'r e khamoshaa ne lagaayee:
so chuppi aur chupki dono meiN se kuchh bhee istemaal kijiye. kabhee kabhee aam bolchal ke lehze ko apnaa lenaa ghazal ko doosro ke liye aasaan bhee kar detaa hai aur husn bhee kam naheeN hotaa. aur jaisaa ki aap bhee jante hai ke aapke bataaye hue alfaazoN se wazn ke masle ho sakte hai!!


kabhee chand hai kabhee aafataab mizaaz e yaad e habeeb bhee,
kabhee phool ban ke mahak uThee, kabhee aag ban ke dahak gayee!

jahaN tak maiN samajhtaa huN k lafz-e-"aaftaab" Khaarij az bahr hai. aap dekh lijiyegaa, plz.

jee aapkee bat gaur karne laayaak to hai. aksar is beh'r meiN do tarah ke misre dekhe gaye hai, aik jahaaN poore misre ko aik saath paRha jaaye aur doosraa jahaaN ise to hisso meiN toR ke paRhaa jaaye. yahaaN pehle misre kee agar takti kare to meter durust hai, khaamii ye hai kee lafz e :aaftaab: misre ke doosre hisse meiN bhee khiNch gayaa hai. so misre ko binaa toRe paDhnaa hogaa. phir bhee mujhe agar koee aur soorat mili to maiN zaroor badluNgaa.

mizaaz = mizaaj

typo sudhaarne ke liye behad shukriyaa!!

yahaaN phir ek baar vohii laGhzish huii hai. mizaaj-e-yaad-e-habeeb" ba-ma'nii "Habeeb kii yaad kaa mizaaj" bahot hii Ghair maanoos hai. yaad ke liye mizaaj kaa lafz munaasib nahiiN hai.

aksar mizaaj kisee zinda'h shay ke liye istemaal karte hai. shaairii meiN :yaad: aik aisaa alfaaz hai jo rah rah ke mar jaataa hai aur rah rah ke jee uThtaa hai. :yaad: beraham ho saktee hai, haseen ho saktee hai wagehraa wagehraa. to yaad ke mizaaj judaa judaa hue ke naheeN. agar aap mujhe bataaye keh yeh ghair maanoos kyoN hai to meh'rbaanee hogee!! aur agar yeh ghair maanoos hai to bhee iske istemaal meiN ghaltee kyaa hai?
Iqbal saHeb kaa aik sher jo mere :mizaaj: se miltaa hai,

achchhaa hai dil ke saath rahe paasbaan e aql,
laikin kabhii kabhii ise tanhaa bhee choR de!

khair! is sher kee aaR meiN, maiN aapke baat naqaaruNgaa naheeN . mujhe jaise hee is sher kee koee behtar soorat milegee, ise badal duNgaa aur aapko it'tela bhee karuNga !!
shukriyaa!!

mahEk aur dahEk keii baabat to maiN zikr kar hii chukaa huN

wale teer dil meiN chubhe rahe, magar hoTh phir bhee sile rahe,
nah sahee gayee to kalam ke raste khalish jigar ki jhalak gayee!

wale ke ba'd comma yaa exclamation mark laga deN to behtar hogaa shaayad. mere Khayaal se, i'm NOT too sure, dusraa misr'a Khaarij az bahr hai. ek baar tasdeeq kar lijiye.

exclamation mark kee baat achchhee hai!! shukriyaa!! yeh sher ko Thehraav bhee degaa aur kashish bhee baRhaayegaa!! shukriyaa!!
dusre misre meiN wahee maslaa hai jo maiN uper arz kar chalaa huN, ise toRne ke bajaaye aik hee saath paRhnaa hogaa. yeh soorateN maiNe do aik jagah dekhee hai so istemaal kar dii. maiN agle khat meiN unhe pesh karuNgaa. agar yeh sirf felxibility ke taur pe istemaal ki jaatee hai aur basically ghalat hai to ise badal dene meiN harj bhee naheeN!! koshish karuNgaa, shukriyaa!!

hoTh = hoNTh
kalam = qalam (inheN sudhaarne ke liye shukriyaa)

"qalam-e-raste" mujhe Ghair maanoos aur Ghair munaasib lagaa hai. "Harkat-e-qalam/Khaama" hotaa to behtar hotaa aur bhalaa bhi lagtaa


saHeb maiN Thahraa aambol chaal walaa jaahil, jisko urdu ka booNd jitnaa bhee ilm naheeN. kabhee kabhee jab alfaazoN kee kamee ho jaatee hai to apnee maadaree zabaan pe utar aataa huN, jo keh pure urdu shayri ke liye to ghair maanoos hai , magar hindostaanee meiN yeh sau Takaa sahee hai.


tujhe koee ranj o malaal thaa,jo tiree nigah meiN sawaal thaa,
tire hoTh jisko chhipaa gaye,tiree aaNkh phir bhi chhalak gayee!

yahaN pahle misr'e meN agar aap lafz "nigaah" musta'mil kareNge to misr'a be-vazan ho jaayegaa. haN albatta, agar aap is lafz kaa muKhaffaf [nigEh] kaa iste'maal kareNge to sab Theek rahegaa

nigaah kee aik soorat :nigah: bhee hai jo sirf wazn meiN felxibility ke liye istemaal hotee hai. just like :khaamoshee: is :khamoshee: ... I hope i could clear the point.

mujhe shaam ghar pe guzaarnaa,mire hamsafar ne sikhaa diyaa,
mujhe dar pe dekh woh raah takati nigaah kaisi chamak gayee!

dusra mis'e meN ibhaam hai, uljhaa huaa hai aur yeh misr'a behtarii chaahtaa hai. aur mazeed bar-aaN, misr'a Khaarij-ul-bahr bhi hai...mere Khayaal se

maiN ise badalne kee koshish karuNgaa. yeh misraa meree nazar meiN bhee khaTak rahaa hai .. shukriyaa!!

aapkii Ghazal majmoo'ii taur par bahot achchhi hai. aapke taKhaiyul kii parvaaz, shiddat-e-jazbaat aur andaaz-e-bayaan qaabil-e-daad o taHsen hai. meri jaanib se ek kaamiiyaab Ghazal par sad-haa mubaarbaadeN qubool kijiiye.

gustaaKhii ke liye ma'azarat-Khowaah huuN

kaisee gustaakhii janaab! agar yeh gustaakhii hai to iltejaa kartaa huN ke baar baar , hazaar baar kijiye. sar aaNkho pe aisee gutaakhiyaaN. tabaadalaa e khayaal se kis sukhanwar ke ilm meiN izaafaa naheeN hotaa ? albat'tah aap jaise shaairoN kee hee zarurat hai jo kalaamoN ko baariikii se dekh kar ham jaise taalib e ilm ko kuchh sikhaa jaaye.

faqat Khaak-nashiiN,

MuKhlis

aapne apnaa beshqimat waqt meree adnaa see ghazal ko adaa kiyaa, sad sad shukriyaa!! aapkee daad o tahsin sar aaNkho pe. insha'allah mehfileN jamtee rahegee aur aapkaa saath miltaa rahegaa.
apnaa khayaal rakhiyegaa!!

Dheer

[sunita thakur]

wow...............kaya khoob gazal hai.....padne ke baad phir se padne ki iccha ho rahi hai.....har sher bahut gahrai liye hua hai....pad kar lagta hai ki aapne bahut hi jayada mehnat ki hai esko likhne ke liye.....dil se dua karti hoon ki aapki kalam aise hi safar tai karti rahe.....!


duao.n ke saath
aapki diii

[dheer]

Originally Posted by sunita virender

wow...............kaya khoob gazal hai.....padne ke baad phir se padne ki iccha ho rahi hai.....har sher bahut gahrai liye hua hai....pad kar lagta hai ki aapne bahut hi jayada mehnat ki hai esko likhne ke liye.....dil se dua karti hoon ki aapki kalam aise hi safar tai karti rahe.....!


duao.n ke saath
aapki diii

namaste sunita di!!
ghazal ko is had tak pasand karne ke liye shukriyaa!! ye meter hee kuchh aisaa hai keh ismeiN kuch bhee kaho achchhaa lagtaa hai. aur jahaaN tak mehnat kee bat hai to kalaam dar kalaam woh baRhtee jaatee hai. kyoNk pichhle kalaamoN kee ghaltiyoN se sabak lekar hee aagey chalnaa hotaa hai ..aapkee duaaoN ke liye mamnoon huN.
khayaal rakhiyegaa apna!!
dheer

[koi to ho]

Originally Posted by dheer

yaaraan e anjuman!! aadaab ar^z!!

jis tarah kalaamoN pe dostoN kee aavajahee kam huee hai, usee tarah zeh'n meiN khayaal bhee gaahe gaahe aate hai!! phir bhee kabhee kabhaar kuchh jee meiN aataa hai to likh letaa huN. is baar Dr. bashir bad'r ke pasandida meter meiN ghazal kahne kee koshish kee hai!! agar waqt mile to nigaahe karam farmaayiyegaa aur apnee aaraaish se nawaaziyegaa!!

shukriyaa!!

koee guncha TooT ke gir gayaa, koee shaakh gul kii lachak gayee,
kaheeN hijr aayaa naseeb meiN, kaheeN zulf e husn mahak gayee!

jo aziyatoN ki sharaab thi, mire kaaghazoN pe chhalak gayee,
mire sheroN naghme machal uThe, miree shaa'iree hee bahak gayee!

naheeN aise ishq meiN laz'zateN,jahaaN sikwe hai nah shikaayateN,
tiree talkhiyaaN to azeez thee, tiree chuppi dil ko khaTak gayee!

kabhee chand hai kabhee aafataab mizaaz e yaad e habeeb bhee,
kabhee phool ban ke mahak uThee, kabhee aag ban ke dahak gayee!

wale teer dil meiN chubhe rahe, magar hoTh phir bhee sile rahe,
nah sahee gayee to kalam ke raste khalish jigar ki jhalak gayee!

tujhe koee ranj o malaal thaa,jo tiree nigah meiN sawaal thaa,
tire hoTh jisko chhipaa gaye,tiree aaNkh phir bhi chhalak gayee!

mujhe shaam ghar pe guzaarnaa,mire hamsafar ne sikhaa diyaa,
mujhe dar pe dekh woh raah takati nigaah kaisi chamak gayee!

naheeN aise ishq meiN laz'zateN,jahaaN sikwe hai nah shikaayateN,
tiree talkhiyaaN to azeez thee, tiree chuppi dil ko khaTak gayee!


tujhe koee ranj o malaal thaa,jo tiree nigah meiN sawaal thaa,
tire hoTh jisko chhipaa gaye,tiree aaNkh phir bhi chhalak gayee!


yeh do ashaar behad ache lage dheer ji umeed hai yunhi aap ke kalaam parrhne ko milte rahainge dil se nikli daad qubool kijiye khush rahain..........

[Mujeeb]

Originally Posted by dheer

koee guncha TooT ke gir gayaa, koee shaakh gul kii lachak gayee,
kaheeN hijr aayaa naseeb meiN, kaheeN zulf e husn mahak gayee!

jo aziyatoN ki sharaab thi, mire kaaghazoN pe chhalak gayee,
mire sheroN naghme machal uThe, miree shaa'iree hee bahak gayee!

naheeN aise ishq meiN laz'zateN,jahaaN sikwe hai nah shikaayateN,
tiree talkhiyaaN to azeez thee, tiree chuppi dil ko khaTak gayee!

kabhee chand hai kabhee aafataab mizaaz e yaad e habeeb bhee,
kabhee phool ban ke mahak uThee, kabhee aag ban ke dahak gayee!

wale teer dil meiN chubhe rahe, magar hoTh phir bhee sile rahe,
nah sahee gayee to kalam ke raste khalish jigar ki jhalak gayee!

tujhe koee ranj o malaal thaa,jo tiree nigah meiN sawaal thaa,
tire hoTh jisko chhipaa gaye,tiree aaNkh phir bhi chhalak gayee!

mujhe shaam ghar pe guzaarnaa,mire hamsafar ne sikhaa diyaa,
mujhe dar pe dekh woh raah takati nigaah kaisi chamak gayee!

Dheer Sahab Lajawab ...

her aik sher dad ka haqdaar hai ... lagta hai kisi kabil ustaad ke shagird hain app ... aisi ghazlon se hamein nawazte rahiye ...

Khush rahiye

Duago
Mujeeb

[Mujeeb]

Originally Posted by muKhlis

aadaab Dheer saaHib,

kaise mizaaj haiN janaab ke? ummeed hai k achchhe hoNge

aapne Ghazal 'inaayat kii jise paRh kar bahot lutf aayaa. aapkaa andaaz judaagaana hai. aapke kalaam meN naGhmagii hotii hai aur Ghazal kaa mizaaj 'aashiqaana hotaa hai aur aisii GhazleN mujhe bahot pasand aatii haiN. shukria is 'inaayat kaa.

aapne chuN k farmaayaa hai k apnii aaraa se aapko mattal'a karuuN lihaazaa chalaa aayaa aapkii Ghazal par apnii "do-kauRii" Daalne ummeed hai k kuchh Khayaal nahiiN kareNge thank you!

sab se pahle jo baat maiN kahnaa chaahuuNgaa aur jo ba-yak nazar khaTaktii hai vo yeh hai k aapkii Ghazal ke qawaafii. aapne jis talaffuz se in qawaafii ko baaNdhe haiN ya barte ahiN vo chuNk saHeeH talaffuz nahiiN hai is liye aapke chand ek qawaafii Ghair mauzooN haiN. misaal ke taur par aapne matl'e meN "lachak" aur "mahak" alfaaz ko baandhaa hai. lachak aur mahak kaa ek talaffuz nahiiN hai. mahak ka saHeeH talaffuz hai "mahEk" ..ya'nii chak meN zabar use hua hai jab k mahEk meN zer hai is liye mahEk ba-taur-e-qaafiya durust nahiiN hai. aise hii maiN un tamaam qawaafii kii nishaan-dehii kiye detaa huN jo talaffuz kii vajah se Ghair-qaanoonii ho gaye haiN.

bahAk = bahEk
dahAk = dahEk

nazr-e-saanii kar lijiye aur in qawaafii ko kinhiiN aur qawaafii se mutaabaadil kar dijiye taa k qawaafii mauzooN ho jayeN

ab aate ahiN ek ek she'r kii taraf:

koee guncha TooT ke gir gayaa, koee shaakh gul kii lachak gayee,
kaheeN hijr aayaa naseeb meiN, kaheeN zulf e husn mahak gayee!

"zulf-e-Husn" kii tarkeet mujhe saHeeH nahiiN lagtii kiuN k iskaa matlab huaa "Husn ke baal". agar aap "Husn-e-zulf" ba-ma'nii "baal ka Husn" baratte to munaasib hotaa

jo aziyatoN ki sharaab thi, mire kaaghazoN pe chhalak gayee,
mire sheroN naghme machal uThe, miree shaa'iree hee bahak gayee!

azeeyat kii sharaab kii istilaaH Ghair maanoos lagii mujhe. aap Sarwar saaHib se bhii ruj'uu kar lijiyegaa is zimn meN. shukria.

naheeN aise ishq meiN laz'zateN,jahaaN sikwe hai nah shikaayateN,
tiree talkhiyaaN to azeez thee, tiree chuppi dil ko khaTak gayee!

sikwe=shakwe
thee=thiiN

lafz-e-"chuppi" zaraa jamaa nahiiN mujhe. yeh roz-marrah kii zabaan meN to munaasib hai magar shaa'iri meN kam az kam mujhe nahiiN bhaayaa. "chup", "Khaamshii", "Khaamoshi" yaa "Khamoshi" hotaa to behtar tha amagar aapko vazn kaa masalah dar-pesh aayegaa so aap is par nazr-e-saanii kar lijiye

kabhee chand hai kabhee aafataab mizaaz e yaad e habeeb bhee,
kabhee phool ban ke mahak uThee, kabhee aag ban ke dahak gayee!

jahaN tak maiN samajhtaa huN k lafz-e-"aaftaab" Khaarij az bahr hai. aap dekh lijiyegaa, plz.

mizaaz = mizaaj

yahaaN phir ek baar vohii laGhzish huii hai. mizaaj-e-yaad-e-habeeb" ba-ma'nii "Habeeb kii yaad kaa mizaaj" bahot hii Ghair maanoos hai. yaad ke liye mizaaj kaa lafz munaasib nahiiN hai.

mahEk aur dahEk keii baabat to maiN zikr kar hii chukaa huN

wale teer dil meiN chubhe rahe, magar hoTh phir bhee sile rahe,
nah sahee gayee to kalam ke raste khalish jigar ki jhalak gayee!

wale ke ba'd comma yaa exclamation mark laga deN to behtar hogaa shaayad. mere Khayaal se, i'm NOT too sure, dusraa misr'a Khaarij az bahr hai. ek baar tasdeeq kar lijiye.

hoTh = hoNTh
kalam = qalam

"qalam-e-raste" mujhe Ghair maanoos aur Ghair munaasib lagaa hai. "Harkat-e-qalam/Khaama" hotaa to behtar hotaa aur bhalaa bhi lagtaa

tujhe koee ranj o malaal thaa,jo tiree nigah meiN sawaal thaa,
tire hoTh jisko chhipaa gaye,tiree aaNkh phir bhi chhalak gayee!

yahaN pahle misr'e meN agar aap lafz "nigaah" musta'mil kareNge to misr'a be-vazan ho jaayegaa. haN albatta, agar aap is lafz kaa muKhaffaf [nigEh] kaa iste'maal kareNge to sab Theek rahegaa

mujhe shaam ghar pe guzaarnaa,mire hamsafar ne sikhaa diyaa,
mujhe dar pe dekh woh raah takati nigaah kaisi chamak gayee!

dusra mis'e meN ibhaam hai, uljhaa huaa hai aur yeh misr'a behtarii chaahtaa hai. aur mazeed bar-aaN, misr'a Khaarij-ul-bahr bhi hai...mere Khayaal se

aapkii Ghazal majmoo'ii taur par bahot achchhi hai. aapke taKhaiyul kii parvaaz, shiddat-e-jazbaat aur andaaz-e-bayaan qaabil-e-daad o taHsen hai. meri jaanib se ek kaamiiyaab Ghazal par sad-haa mubaarbaadeN qubool kijiiye.

gustaaKhii ke liye ma'azarat-Khowaah huuN

faqat Khaak-nashiiN,

MuKhlis

Aslam u alaikum

Mukhlis sahab , kese mizaj hain app ke ? appki khairyat naik matloob hon ,

SDC ka her rukun mere ustad se kam nahi hai her kisi se kuch na kuch seekhne ko mila hai , app bhi mere ustaad ka derja rakhte hain , kiyonkeh app se to bahut kuch seekhne ko mila .or umeed hai milta bhi rahy ga

mager aik baat arz kerna chahta tha

appki URDU mashaALLAH bahut achi hai , per jo urdu hamein School aur College mein perhai gai us se app ki urdu kaafi hat ker hai ... preshan tha kiya keron ab school or college to jaane se raha tab aik khayal aya kiyon na app se kuch pooch liya jaaey takeh jo khalish dimagh mein paida ho rahi hai usko saaf kiya jaaey

kiya khayal hai ?

ager ijazat ho to kuch sawal pooch lon ???


Mujeeb

[dheer]

Originally Posted by koi to ho

naheeN aise ishq meiN laz'zateN,jahaaN sikwe hai nah shikaayateN,
tiree talkhiyaaN to azeez thee, tiree chuppi dil ko khaTak gayee!


tujhe koee ranj o malaal thaa,jo tiree nigah meiN sawaal thaa,
tire hoTh jisko chhipaa gaye,tiree aaNkh phir bhi chhalak gayee!


yeh do ashaar behad ache lage dheer ji umeed hai yunhi aap ke kalaam parrhne ko milte rahainge dil se nikli daad qubool kijiye khush rahain..........

aadaab mani ji!!
kaisee haiN aap ? ashaar pasand karne ke liye aapkaa shukra guzaar huN.

apna khayaal rakhiyegaa!!

[dheer]

Originally Posted by eyesflicker

Dheer Sahab Lajawab ...

her aik sher dad ka haqdaar hai ... lagta hai kisi kabil ustaad ke shagird hain app ... aisi ghazlon se hamein nawazte rahiye ...

Khush rahiye

Duago
Mujeeb

aadaab mujib saheb!!
daad o tehsin ke liye mamnoon huN. jahaaN tak ustaad kee baat hai to abhee tak kisee maahir e ilm kee shaagirdagee naseeb naheeN ho sakee. bas internet kee adabee mehfiloN meiN jo ahbaab haiN unhee ke tabsaro se kuchh kuchh seekhne ko milta hai aur kuchh kuchh taraq'qi hotee rahtee hai.
pichhle 2 saal se hee sanjeeda'h shaayrii karnaa shuru kiyaa hai so safar lamba hai. aap sabhee kaa saath rahe to khushnumaa bhee ho jaayegaa!!
apnaa khayaal rakhiyegaa!!

Dheer

[dheer]

Originally Posted by eyesflicker

Aslam u alaikum

Mukhlis sahab , kese mizaj hain app ke ? appki khairyat naik matloob hon ,

SDC ka her rukun mere ustad se kam nahi hai her kisi se kuch na kuch seekhne ko mila hai , app bhi mere ustaad ka derja rakhte hain , kiyonkeh app se to bahut kuch seekhne ko mila .or umeed hai milta bhi rahy ga

mager aik baat arz kerna chahta tha

appki URDU mashaALLAH bahut achi hai , per jo urdu hamein School aur College mein perhai gai us se app ki urdu kaafi hat ker hai ... preshan tha kiya keron ab school or college to jaane se raha tab aik khayal aya kiyon na app se kuch pooch liya jaaey takeh jo khalish dimagh mein paida ho rahi hai usko saaf kiya jaaey

kiya khayal hai ?

ager ijazat ho to kuch sawal pooch lon ???


Mujeeb

mujeeb saHeb !!
aapkaa jazbaa dekh ke mujhe be-intehaa khushee ho rahee hai. mukhlis saHeb ko is fan kaa bahut achchhaa ilm hai aur unkee urdu to dekhte hee bantee hai. aap ke saath mujhe bhee unkaa student ban'ne meiN khushee hogee

yaheeN jazbaa yahaaN sabhee logo meiN panpe, yaheeN duaa!!

dheer

[chaahat]

Behad zabardast aur khoobsoorat hai yeh Dheer ji!

Meri daad kubool keejiye!

Take Care..

~Priya

[dheer]

Originally Posted by chaahat

Behad zabardast aur khoobsoorat hai yeh Dheer ji!

Meri daad kubool keejiye!

Take Care..

~Priya

bahut bahut shukriyaa priya ji!! aapkee daad sar aaNkho pe!!!
apnaa khayaal rakhiyegaa!!

[baagi]

deer ji apki gazhl padne me bahut maja aaya aur accha laga,mujhe kuch sher hi samajh me aaye aur apne bahut khoob likha,mene kuch isliye kaha kyoki mujhe urdu ke ABC bhi nahi aati mujhe jitna samajh me aaya utne ke liye daad kubaal kare,baaki main wakt milne par samjhne ki kosish karunga,sukriya.....baagi

[dheer]

Originally Posted by baagi

deer ji apki gazhl padne me bahut maja aaya aur accha laga,mujhe kuch sher hi samajh me aaye aur apne bahut khoob likha,mene kuch isliye kaha kyoki mujhe urdu ke ABC bhi nahi aati mujhe jitna samajh me aaya utne ke liye daad kubaal kare,baaki main wakt milne par samjhne ki kosish karunga,sukriya.....baagi

shukriyaa saHeb!! aapki inaayat ke liye mamnoon huN. kabhee shaairii samajhne yah likhne meiN koee takleef ho to ye naachiz apnee aur se aapkii madad karne meiN koee kamee naheeN chhoRegaa. behichak farmaayiyegaa!!
dheer