a real story of mine...

An Escape in Abyss

I sat silently this afternoon at a couch trying to figure out all the tears, all the pain. I’m trying to stop my tears as I try to decipher the confusion brought about the feelings he has left me… so many questions, answers are so few; I figured, only you could give me those…

Every man across the shadow that covers the indistinctness that unfolds...

Who are you by the way? You were just my text mate!

We met. You appeared from my back while I’m damn busy browsing my friendster account. I received a message from you, “cnong katext m ah? D2 ko sa likod m!” I tilt my head back, not knowing you were there, just an inch muntik nya na kong mhalikan! He stayed at my back and even smelled my hair; “bango ng buhok m!” then kissed my head!

We became friends later on; endless as forever the moment stood, smile was reflected in our faces… I have known you for quite a while. I didn’t know what hit me, you always come when I least expect it.

Until one day… for some reason, I felt I needed you beside me all the time…

“Andyan yung misis nya, buntis”, I feel insignificant about it. What’s up di ba? Friends lang naman kme nun guy... My eyes are beginning to feel heavy... Ouch, my kirot sa dibdib ko.
The worst part of all is I’m falling or should I say, I have fallen? But it is as if he did not even notice. Now I knew it, hearsays about him are really meant, indeed for real.
I was mute that I could not say anything, not a single word…

I’m talking to myself, “ang sakit, sakit!” Am I supposed to cry? Am I supposed to get hurt? How long m siya nameet? Kelan lang, di b?! Am I supposed to act this way, affected? Tinatanong pa ba yun? Anong karapatan mo?! My connection ba kayo sa isa’t isa?!
I wasn’t sure! Well who cares, does he even bother? Ganoon rin ba siya sa’yo? I don’t know if he feels the same way too.

Everyday now becomes a day of wanting to become so close to you; of wanting to hold you, seat silently beside you, open up thins to you, share a conversation with you. I was so naïve and foolish- weak to stop my emotions about him.

He surged, “y do u care 4me so much? Wat do I hve dat oder guys don’t hve? Wat did I do 2mke u fall 4me… y is it olryt 4u 2b jst d oder gurl? & y do u luv me so mch?”

I guess he can’t still sense it. We have known each other for quite some time now and I know jiffies like this comes after for us or is likely to happen.
I just have to tell you these, “ bcoz I luv u! ur an exotic 1! A perception of bein a perfect man for women! Bcoz I luv u whatever it takes! Wna fulfil evry lil thing from & w/in u… bcoz I wnt 2gve it ol wid u!”

I felt impassive sensing nothing, just thinking how much I loved him. “Isn’t it enaf 4u 4me 2stay though I’m hurting lyk hell? Isn’t it enaf 4u 4me 2smyl though pains r bhind on it? Isn’t it enaf 4u dat I’m still holding on though it’s useless? Isn’t it enaf 4u 4me 2hpe though it’s nothing 2hpe4?”

I passed you by, stared at you blankly… you smiled at me and even say hi but I said nothing… did nothing… I can’t let you see these tears.
It was starting to rain and I felt that even the skies mourn with me in this sadness. I should have not trust the feeling of falling terribly in love.

My eyes are blurring with tears. I believe it is really time for me to forget you but nah; I let my emotions take hold over and over again. It’s just that I can’t let go.

Tears… lots of them…

I’m forcing myself to forget you. Forget everything about you. Forget the first time we kissed and make up. Forget the first day I met you but I always caught myself coming back to you…

He tried also headed his way from me. Then with a sudden rush, he went back and shut all the defenses out of me. “By the way, I miss you.”

“u told me dat u luv me, wat can I say? I was speechless… mxed feelings wer wat I hav. I didn’t knw wat 2say, I tried to conceal my feelings 4u, evn if its hurting inside, but wat can I do? I’m scared 2say dat I feel da same way t! I’m afraid 2go little furder, afraid dat u myt only b breaking my hart… but u kept on promsing dat ul kip ur luv flaming, dat ul luv me til d end. Its u hu fils up my day, its u hu lyts up my lyf. Its u hu turns my tears into a new born smile. Its u hu cast out my fears & turn dem into courage… u know dat my heart’s so fragile, so u handled it w/ luv & care.. uv bin everything dat I never nided, uv bin everything dat I evr dreamt of!
Stil an insisting heart is what my brain follows... Though dip inside I want 2 xpres my feelings!” (3:33pm, 9/18/5)

I wanted to utter a word, I couldn’t understand.

Could this be real?

You are leaving my life; I just have to accept it. I will force to move on. Shedding tears would be useless for you never see them anyways. Holding you close to me would remain as that.

Apparently, everybody knows: we kiss and make up, we both say “I love u”, sometimes we argue about something else and maybe won’t talk for a day or two…
…only to kiss and make up once more but…
… things for us were not really meant to be…

…all of our moments were just lies…

…all was just for now…

…all was just a wish…

…all was just a dream…

I’m trying to beat these hurts but whatever I do, it was too strong, too tough for me to handle.
I sat silently at a couch to rationalize all the tears, all the pain. I saw people converging from afar, some were smiling and some were laughing. I saw happiness in them but I couldn’t hear a thing. I couldn’t hear what they are talking about.
Perhaps, they were talking about me and how I sat silently by my lonesome. All I saw were superficialities or was it?

I found myself sitting at the corner, having an escape into the abyss yet twinges are still within…











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