~~~Apney mehboob ko badnaam humse kiya jaata nahi....~~~
 

hi friends..........kal raat ek gazal likhi .........pata nahi yeh dard bhare nagme raat mein hi kyo likhe jaate hai....?......anyways aap sabhie ko nazar kar raha ho........


uskey bina ab aur humse jiya jaata nahi.....
zehar zindagi ka aur humse piya jaata nahi....

hamari hi khata thi, woh koi bewafa nahi....
apne mehboob ko badnaam humse kiya jaata nahi...

u to auro ke zakhm par hum marham lagate hai....
chak apney hi jagar ka humse siya jaata nahi....

tum mujhse kuch aur maang lo meri jaan hi sahi....
uska dard meri amanat hai humse diya jaata nahi....

uski gali mein hi to hai "bhupendra" ka madfan*
aur log kehte hai uska pata humse liya jaata nahi....

*madfan==kabra

wah ahcha likah hai.kaafi ahche khayalat hain.par pata nahi kyun padhte samay laga jaise kahin kahin flow chala gaya.waise main galat bhi ho sakta hoon.pae in alll ek imaandar aur ahchi rachna.umeed hai aap bas yunhi likhte rahiyega.

aapka LUCKY:D :D :D :D

hi lucky...

thanx for the reading....

yeh flow wali baat mujhe samajh nahi aayi......mujhe lagta hai ki ismey ek continuity hai......phir bhi tum keh rahe ho to jarroor kuch to hoga......aagey aur acha likhney ki koshish karunga...

once again thanx for ur honest comment.....

aatey rahiyega.....

take care....bye.....

hi ballu jee......
well....mujhe koi gadbad nahi lagi flow me yaar.....lekin hoga kuch...lucky zyada jaanta hai mujhse.....phir bhi....aapne bahut achcha likha hai.....khaaskar mujhe ye baat pasand aayi ki aapne us shakhs ko bewafaa nahi kahaa...varna aksar log aisa kar jaate haiN....main bhi aisa hi karti hooN....hehhee.....but still....its gud...ki saara kasoor hum apne sar le leiN......
thanx,
KasaK.......

hi kasak....

thanx for reading and loving.....

yeh "ghayal" ko shayri ke maamle mein apna bada bhai bana liya hai...........woh jo kahe sar aankho par.........

waise shyaad tumhe uska occupation nahi pata .......
"masti maker,and part time hurting others".....hehehe :)


lucky ka ek aur pyara comment tumhe yaha padhney ko mil jayega......

http://www.shayri.com/forums/showthr...threadid=41707

take care.....bye.....

shayar sahab tak mera salaam pahunche
 

janaab bhupendra tak mera salaam pahunche,

Sabse pehle to aapka ye kalaam

Kiya jaata nahi ..

is it natural ? kiya nahi jaata .. That sound more natural and orignal .. Well .. Let me tell you few things ..

Qaafiya .. is kiya jiya liya diya , Not as melodious And effective ..
Issliye saath augar aap maqta bhi ordinary rakh doge , rythm bhi ordinary rakh doge , Poetry standred .. bhi cum ho jayega .. couplets me effect bhi avrage hai .. may be below avrage .. 1 poetry me 5-7 couplets augar aap likhen .. Sab ke sab bahut acche ho ye jaroori nahi .. Magar cum se cum ek couplet aisa hona chaahiye jo dil ko choo jaaye..

kul mila ker iss poetry ko jabardasti likha gaya hai .. May be good enough for this site .. But i always look for proffasionalism ..

i will give you 2 out of 10 for this effort

i could edit this one a bit .. but Kuch bhi khaas nahi lagaa , not a single word is imprassive .. lucky ne flow ke liye kahaa.. wo issliye kahaa .. Kiya jaata nahi
liya jaata nahi
siya jaata nahi
piya jaata nahi

aap lines kitni bhi acchi likho .. Ye 3 words usski naturality ko khatam ker he denge ..

I think i wrote something similar to this few years back ..

tera naam lekar zahar khaaya nahi jaata
mujhse apne qaatil ka naam bataaya nahi jaata

aapke takhallus ke uper aayen.. daag dehelvi sahab apna takkhallus , pen name jaroor use kerte thai
ghaalib sahab ka naam Mirza asadullah khan thaa .. Ghaalib was his pen name .. which means A winner,
pen name is required i guess because it is your signature on your poetry .. That poetry belongs to you .. And if you gonna use bhupendra as ur pen name .. Its batter not to write maqta ..

You think about your pen name .. or If you don't get the perfact pen name for your poetries.. Just let me know .. i will Suggest you something.. your pen name will Help you to think as a writer,When you will be writing,u will have a diffrent chrachter,A person who do not belongs to bhupendra,you Will be able to write Without selfishness, And in the proccess you may discribe bhupendra With your each and Every maqta .... i m Writing some of mine maqta's for Example

means first and the last couplet of Mine poetries

soyi kismat ko jagaana chaahta thaa
roothe dilbar ko manaana chaahta thaa

chaahta thaa wo mujhe iq hudd se jyada
Phir mujhe wo kyun rulaana chaahta thaa

zindagi per apni likha hai 'karan'
ek shayar muskurana chaahta thaa
--------------------------------------------------------------

Dard raahat fazaa na ho jaaye
Mujhko tera gumaa na ho jaaye

Mujhko teri yaad jum ke aayi hai
phir kaheen haadsa na ho jaaye

baad her duaa yahi socha hai 'karan'
kubool meri duaa na ho jaaye
dard raahat fazaa na ho jaaye

-----------------------------------------------------------

Mujhko maluum hai ye hona thaa
humko milna thaa judaa hona thaa

haan mujhe khaak he me milna thaa
ek pather ko khuda hona thaa

chot khaate or chup bhi rehte 'karan'
kaam ye humse kahaan hona thaa

--------------------------------------------------------------

Kitna mushkil hai bikhar ker jeena
apne halaaton se ladkar jeena

Tumse gar dard na dekhe jaayen
meri yaadon se lipat ker jeena

kitna mushkil hai sochna bhi 'karan'
apni zindgi se bichad ker jeena

-----------------------------------------------------------

humne teri aankh ko paimana bana rakha hai
humne tere jism ko maikhaana bana rakha hai

jaane kya jaadoo hai teri baaton me
teri her baat ne dewaana bana rakha hai

ruuh me usski doobta hai karan
rishta jis shaks se jismaana bana rakha hai

---------------------------------------------------------------

mera rehbar hai wo aasraa ho nahi hai
majbuur hai per bura wo nahi hai

meri aashiqi per bhi tohmat tarashe
itna bhi jyada gira wo nahi hai

karan tuuta dil hai to shayar bana hai
jo samajhte ho tum maazra wo nahi hai

-------------------------------------------------------------

tujhse milne mai nahi aaunga
main hawaaon me bikhar jaaunga

dil lagaata houn chot khaata houn
galtiyaan kar kar ke sudhar jaaunga

karan wo meri zindgi ki dua karta hai
Main usski iss baat pe marr jaaunga

-------------------------------------------------------------

tu nahi to aarzoo or meri manzil kuch nahi
tere bin jeena ho gar to isse mushkil kuch nahi

Kya bataayen hum tumhe hum kya lute thai ishq me
Khud ko usko de diya or humko haansil kuch nahi

Kuch nahi dikhta hume,or kyu bhala dekhen karan
Usske chehre ke siwa aankhon me daakhil kuch nahi

See any of the poetry.. will give you more examples if you want ..
Could i complete these poetries Without MAqta? Last couplet where i've mentioned my name?

More then 80% of mine poetries i find It adding more beauti To my poetry .. SO yes ... It is Important to Use your pen name ..
Just think of something .. otherwise ask me .. i will suggest you something

izzajat
karan.q

bahoot khoob likha hai Bhupendra ji aapne.. likhate rahiye

thanx Garima ji for coming........acha laga aapko apni post par dekhkar ......keep coming.......waise shayad aapney karan ji ka reply nahi padha...heheheh:)

maine Karan ji ka reply padha hai.. lekin mai itani technically dekh nahi paati.. bas itana hi dhyaan rakhati hoon ki jo kuchh kehana ho to kalaam padhane se samajh aa jaaye, aur padhate waqt koi pareshaani na ho.. saaf sidhe saral lafz padhane aur samajhe dono me aasaan hote hai, aur saath me mujhe technical kam feelings jyaada pasand hai..

wo kalaam jo techinically perfect ho lekin dil se mehsoos karke na likhi gayi ho mere samajh me nahi aata.. isliye maine aapki kalaam ko achha bola.. baki technich to karan ji se aap samajh lijiye.. mai to abhi ek dam bachi hoon is maamle me..:)

sweet ballu....very well written dear......kaafi accha likhne lage ho ab...yuhin likhte rehna..........take care.....bye:)

hi Garima ji.....

thanx once again for coming........
......sach hi kaha hai apney....bhala dil ki feelings ko express karney ki liye bhi kya rule follow karney padengey....


keep coming.....]

bye...tc

hi didi....

thanx for coming...

aap logo se seekh raha hoon.....isliye dheeray dheeray acha likhney laga hoon........


bye.....tc

hi
 

Hi,
Bahot achha likha hai.
------------------------------
Take Care,Bye.

hi Shikha ji...

thanx for coming....
keep coming....

take care.....bye....

dard aur raat,dono hi gehre hote hai na,isliye
it blocks ur vision..
very nice,bahot acchi likhi hai really

thanx Ruchika......for coming...
keep coming....