Help me Guys in completing this gazhal

[nalinmehra]

Hi Guys, The other day i met a beautiful girl at a coffee shop, aur bas chand hi palon ki mulakat rahi woh, aur wahin pe mere dil se yeh lines nikal padi, and i wrote it on a tissue paper immediately aur is say pehle ki gazhal puri hoti, meri inspiration (that girl), she just left.....................i know ki ab us say muklakat nahi hogi, toh yeh adhuri gazhal ap sabke hawale, is say mukammal kijiye

thoda sa resham aur thodi nazakat si hai,
uski hansi me jaise koi jannat si hai,
chale jo woh lehrake aanchal,
toh lage yun jaise duniya khubsurat si hai,

kare jab woh baatein toh lage jaise koi sargam si hai,
aankhon jo dekhun to lage koi gehri jheel si hai,
aksar guzre jab woh mere kareeb se,
uski mehak lage jaise khuda ki nemat* si hai,

.............................................
(* nemat means "boon" , "vardan", "Bliss")

[nalinmehra]

kya hua doston........................no help.............

[Pradhyuman]

Originally Posted by nalinmehra

Hi Guys, The other day i met a beautiful girl at a coffee shop, aur bas chand hi palon ki mulakat rahi woh, aur wahin pe mere dil se yeh lines nikal padi, and i wrote it on a tissue paper immediately aur is say pehle ki gazhal puri hoti, meri inspiration (that girl), she just left.....................i know ki ab us say muklakat nahi hogi, toh yeh adhuri gazhal ap sabke hawale, is say mukammal kijiye

thoda sa resham aur thodi nazakat si hai,
uski hansi me jaise koi jannat si hai,
chale jo woh lehrake aanchal,
toh lage yun jaise duniya khubsurat si hai,

kare jab woh baatein toh lage jaise koi sargam si hai,
aankhon jo dekhun to lage koi gehri jheel si hai,
aksar guzre jab woh mere kareeb se,
uski mehak lage jaise khuda ki nemat* si hai,

.............................................
(* nemat means "boon" , "vardan", "Bliss")

Nalin ji,

thank you for your post...

pehle to main aapko dil se daad deta hun ki aapke alfaaz bahot khoobsurat hai..lekin ek baat kehna chahunga...aap bura matt maniyega...

ghazal ke kuch rules hote hai...aap matla, kaafiya, maqta, beher inn sabb cheez se waakif ho jaaye..phir dekhye aapki likhawat aur bhi khill uthege..
rahi baat is nazam ki to main zaroor koshish karunga isse puri karne ki..

gar is naacheez ki koi bhi baat buri lagi ho to maaf kar dijeyega..god bless u

--
Pradhyuman

[nalinmehra]

Pradhyuman Ji, Kafi Arse Ke Baad Apne is thread par aaya toh apka reply padha, bahut accha lagta hai jab ap jaisa koi dost kuch sikhane ki iccha rakhta, ajse main chela aur ap guru... apka intezaar rahega

Originally Posted by Pradhyuman

Nalin ji,

thank you for your post...

pehle to main aapko dil se daad deta hun ki aapke alfaaz bahot khoobsurat hai..lekin ek baat kehna chahunga...aap bura matt maniyega...

ghazal ke kuch rules hote hai...aap matla, kaafiya, maqta, beher inn sabb cheez se waakif ho jaaye..phir dekhye aapki likhawat aur bhi khill uthege..
rahi baat is nazam ki to main zaroor koshish karunga isse puri karne ki..

gar is naacheez ki koi bhi baat buri lagi ho to maaf kar dijeyega..god bless u

--
Pradhyuman

[aru]

vo bikhraye jo julfein to lage ghata see hai,
Vo hilaye jo honth to lage pankhudi see hai,
Doob na jaun in jheel see aankhon mein,
Vo jhukaye jo palkein to lage shaam see hai...

[Pradhyuman]

Originally Posted by nalinmehra

Pradhyuman Ji, Kafi Arse Ke Baad Apne is thread par aaya toh apka reply padha, bahut accha lagta hai jab ap jaisa koi dost kuch sikhane ki iccha rakhta, ajse main chela aur ap guru... apka intezaar rahega

chela guru rehne dijiye...mujhe utna kuch aata nahi ki guru bann saku aur use justify bhi kar saku...gar aap sach mein iccha rakhte hai ghazal ki technicalities sikhne ki to zidd ya janumanu ko sampark karen

main aapko kuch links suggest kar sakta hun..

pehle yeh padhiye

http://smriti.com/urdu/ghazal.def.html

phir yeh

http://www.shayri.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2125
http://www.shayri.com/forums/showthread.php?t=69311

itna kaafi hai basic understanding ke liye

regards