Dard

[Parul]

Hi everyone, please tell me how it is. I know it's not better but please tell where I need to make change and how. I will be glad if anyone can suggest. I will be writing further........
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Palak zapak te hi sab yaar paraaye ho gaye,

Hum pe marne wale na jaane kaha chhup gaye,

Mere armaano ki log yeh mil ke chita bhi jala gaye,

Meri wafaa par dekho bewafaai ka daag laga gaye,

Sacchai chhupa ne wale jhoothi baaton mein fas gaye,

Phool barsaaye jispe wohi raahon me kaante biccha gaye,

Khataa na thi meri koi phir bhi sazaa woh humhe de gaye,

Bharosa tha khud se jyaada ab nazron se meri woh gir gaye,

Joothe waade karke khud ko bhi badnaam woh kar gaye,

Na socha tha aaisa din aayega kabhi takdeer bhi woh badal gaye.

[Sharaabi]

since you're open to suggestions, and i happen to have time, i'll leave you a short note. it's not compulsary, but it's eye-candy when the words of your literature rhyme (mostly).. hindi mein usse "tuk" aur urdu mein usse "kaafiyaa" kehte hain.. in other words, a pattern of words that rhyme. for example: aurat & shoh'rat


you could re-write your first two sentences (your first sher), if this was a ghazal.. in a way in which the kaafiyaa can be noticed >>

aapne kahaa:
Palak zapak te hi sab yaar paraaye ho gaye,
Hum pe marne wale na jaane kaha chhup gaye

isse is taraH keh sakte the:
Palak jhapakte hii sab yaar paraaye ho gaye,
Unhe bhii kitne din humme bulaaye, ho gaye,


..bas, ek khayaal thaa par is naacheez kii baaton kaa buraa naa maaniiye gaa, aur ummiid hai kii aapke aur bhii shabdon ko padne kaa mauka milta rahe gaa = )

chalta hoon

[Parul]

Thank you very much for your advise, and I will try my best.. and thanks again for your time. you have fun and take care of your self.

[Chaand]

Parul ji....apne khayaalaat ko keh paana ...bhi ek kala hai...so mai aapki is kala ke liye aapko mubaarakbaad deta hooN.

per haaN jeisa ki Aman saahab ne kaha agar haamaare khayaalaat vichaaroN ko ham kuchh saja sakeiN to wo or khoobsoorat dikhte haiN...Beshaq mai bhi technicalities follow nahi kar paata...per aap sab dostoN se hi...seekhne ki koshish jaroor karta hooN...

Koshish jaari rakhiyega....shuruvaat tuk-bandi se hi kijiye...

mai bhi yahi koshish karta hooN aksar....

Chaand

[Rohin]

Hi Parul,

Wah very sweet very nice...

A few old lines of mine...


Kabar par mere jo phool hain
Kisi ne yaad kiya tha humein
uski nishani hain
Laga tha jab hum yeh duniya chod chale
Na koi apna hai, na koi yaad karne wala hai
Laga tha sabne humein...begana bana diya hai.

Thanks
Rohin

[Parul]

Thanks Chand ji and Rohin ji... I appreciate you like my thought, I would like to improve my writing and I just write whatever comes in my mind, but the most important things is your reply, and that increasing me to write more and better, thanks again you have a wonderful day.........