kaash...I wish

[Ajforu]

aik bar woh dastak ho,
ae kaash k mera woh saman bhi lota day.

bikhray say dil kay kaaghaz par,
kaash , sirf aik bar apni muhar laga day.

logon ki is bheedh say door,
kaash meri aarzoonon ki woh dunya basa day.

mohobat ki woh toti si door say,
kaash meri duaa-on kay sang usey paar laga day.

pholon say bhari un baharon ko,
kaash woh merey daman main bicha day.

dunya kay dil main dolat bhar kar,
kaash woh merey dil main aik pyar ka diya jala day.

sawan ki woh bheegi si raaton ko,
kaash khiza k sookhay pat_ton[leaves] main badal day.

bas aik bar, sirf aik bar mudh kar dekhay,
kaash woh ek baar meri aankhon main apna wajood dekh lay.

bas ab to terey lothnay (return) ka intezar rahe ga,
kaash , yeh merey alfaaz koi us tak pohncha(send) day.

din kahan jata hai, raat kahan guzarti hai,
kaash meri iss halat ko koi chain([peace]) say sula day.

[sanjoo]

Ajforu.......WoW.....tumne tau bezuban kar diyaa....shayaD hum na samjha payeN.....paR apne sach mai kamaaL kaRdiya....dil ki duniya ko abaad kar diya...ye dard na mitte tau achha hai....koyii bhii na sunne tau achha hai....usiika hai wassTa jo jaB wo sunne tau achha hai....UMMIDA SE JAYADA AP KHARII UTRII..AP KO PADH KARR SUKUN MILAA.......DAU RAHE GII AP HUMESHA KHUSH RAHEN.....SANJU!

[shayri12345]

dear......me kya kahu.
bas ab to terey lothnay (return) ka intezar rahe ga,
kaash , yeh merey alfaaz koi us tak pohncha(send) day.
ur thoughts have touched my hrt..i can see ho wur longing for theperson u luv....the only thing is i would take ur message to the person but "would he understand u"
thats the main point...tumahri har ik line me...dil ka dard...chipa hhai..pyar karne wala hai ik insaan tumhe samajh sakta hai..tumahre dil ki tadap k samajh sakta hai..well written....with ur feelings...ur a gereat shayar..ya phir i should say GREAT LOVER..WHOEVER WILL GET U..WOULD BE LUCKY TRUST ME...KAAM KUCH AISA KARO KI TUM KISI KE DIL KI DHADKAN BAN JAAYO RAHTER THAN U MAKE OTTHERS UR DIL KI DHADKAN ..CUZ VO KABHI BHI MUCH PHER SAKTEY HAI ..THEN WHAT WILL U DO....SO TAKE THE POWER OF LOVING OR NOT LOVING IN UR HANDS....RATHER THAN GIVING IT TO OTHERS..CUZ WHEN WE GIVE IT TO OTHES..WE ALSO" GIVE THEM POWER TO DESTROY OUR HRT"

JYADA KEH RAHI HU SHAYAD ME..SO I WILL TAKE A LEAVE....BUT DO THINK ABT WHAT I SAID.


best wishes and luv

priya

[manoj kureel]

ajforu ji
aap ko 1st martaba padha ,,aur yakeen janeeye,,,mere paas alfaaz nahin hai aap ki tareef ke liye...kis masoomiyat aur kis saadgi se aapne virah ki vedna ko vyaqt kiya hai ,,wo bejod hai.....saral shabdon mein kitna dard bhar diya hai aapne,,,ek kasak,,ek intezaar,,,ek aarzoo hai aap ki shayri mein,,,,,,,bahoot khushi hui aap ko padh kar,,,,,aage bhi sada aap ke kalaam ka intezaar rahega.,....aise hi likhte rahiye....aur khush rahiye,.,,,,apna kahayl rakhiye....
-Manoj

[ghayalparwana]

Bahut umda ..bahut Ala..

Aapne apna dard aur apni umeeden dono bade dhang se is kalaam mein farmaayi hai..

Bahut khoob likha aapne..

Ghayalparwana

[Ajforu]

bohat bohat shukriya aap logon ka...k aap nay meri nazm padhi..
I really appreciate it....
special thanks to:sanjoo, luvpriya, manooj and ghayalparwana..
aap logo ki daad sun kar main bohat khush hui ..thanks

actually yeh main nay kisi ki yaad main nahin, apni aik friend ki iss halat par likha hai..i hope she gets him........thanks alot again..u guyz......bye..

zindagi main kuch paane k liye kuch khona bhi padhta hai..

[Mayank]

Ajforu ji,

Kua aap hume apna naam nahi bataiengi?

Khair, Hum parvardigaar he yahi duaa karnge ki aap ki sari wishes puri ho jaye. Bahut achha likha hai.

Daad ke saath taareef qubul farmaiiega.

Takecare, bye

Mayank

[Ni$ha]

Ajforu ji,

Hume behad pasand aaie aap ki yah qalam.

NiShaa

[Ajforu]

thanks alot for appreciating my poem;
bohat bohat shukriyah...

mera naam AREEJ hai,, n I live in chicago..


thanks again..bye

[Sharaabi]

Janaab,

aapne madat maangii thii, so hum aa gaye. sabse pehle to keh detaa hooN kii aapne bahot hii khoob lafzoN kaa ishtemaal kiyaa hai,
jis se aapkii ghazal kii hesiiyat aur bhii bhaD gayii hai! it seems to me as if you are already fond of the 'radeef' (repeated word(s) after every other line),
kyooN kii aapne 'radeef' kaa sahii isthemaal kiyaa hai.
now, let's discuss the rhyme-scheme, otherwise known as kaafiyaa. in simple terms, they are just words which have a similar sound.

For example, your kaafiyaa was "aa"
Here is a list of words that were used before the Radeef, incorrect ones have been underlined.[/color]
(Lotaa, Lagaa, Basaa, Lagaa, Bichaa, Jalaa, Badal, Dekh, Pohnchaa, Sulaa


Now, here are two shers which have a rhyme-scheme that does not seem to fit.

sawan ki woh bheegi si raaton ko,
kaash khiza k sookhay pat_ton[leaves] main badal day.

bas aik bar, sirf aik bar mudh kar dekhay,
kaash woh ek baar meri aankhon main apna wajood dekh lay
«-- hameshaa yaad rakhnaa, the radeef never changes throughout the ghazal ('tis supposed to be "De")

There are many ways, those two can be re-written to match the rest of the 'Zameen', but here is one example.

• saawan kii woh bheegii sii raatoN ko,
  khizaa ke sooKHe patteN banaa de

• bas ek baar, sirf ek baar muD kar dekhe,
  to hum usse aaNkhoN meiN uskaa wajood dikhaa de

Oh, and one more slight mistake. Is ghazal meiN "Makta" nahiiN hai. Makta is the first sher of the ghazal in which the Radeef is repeated
in both lines. Your first sher can be re-written like this to fit in.

• ya to sanam saare gham miTaa de,
  warnaa aaj merii khushii lauTaa de

Aap waise likhte bahot achcha ho, aur is baat ko saabit karne kii zaroorat to nahiiN hai, kitne log aapko waise hii bataa chuke haiN!
Ek baar phir keh detaa hooN kii buuraa naa maaniiye.. maiN waise bahot kam logoN kii galtiyaaN saamne rakhtaa hooN; aapne mujhse madat
maaNgii thii, is liye jo pataa thaa, so bataa diyaa. Aap yuuN hii likhte rahiiye gaa, aur isii taraH jald hii ek din kalaa seekh jaao ge.

Here is how the ghazal would look if the common mistakes were fixed (aapki ghazal hai.. you're free to change it) --

• ya to sanam saare gham miTaa de,
  warnaa aaj merii khushii lauTaa de
  
  bikhray say dil kay kaaghaz par,
  kaash , sirf aik bar apni muhar laga day.
  
  logon ki is bheedh say door,
  kaash meri aarzoonon ki woh dunya basa day.
  
  mohobat ki woh toti si door say,
  kaash meri duaa-on kay sang usey paar laga day.
  
  pholon say bhari un baharon ko,
  kaash woh merey daman main bicha day.
  
  dunya kay dil main dolat bhar kar,
  kaash woh merey dil main aik pyar ka diya jala day.
  
  saawan kii woh bheegii sii raatoN ko,
  khizaa ke sooKHe patteN banaa de
  
  bas ek baar, sirf ek baar muD kar dekhe,
  to hum usse aaNkhoN meiN uskaa wajood dikhaa de
  
  bas ab to terey lothnay (return) ka intezar rahe ga,
  kaash , yeh merey alfaaz koi us tak pohncha(send) day.
  
  din kahan jata hai, raat kahan guzarti hai,
  kaash meri iss halat ko koi chain([peace]) say sula day.

likhte rahiiye,
aman

[Ajforu]

thanks all of u for appreciating.....thanks alot..bye

[Ajforu]

hi...
hi to all who have appreciated by poem