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kab tak
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Daanish_ Hyd
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kab tak - 14th January 2006, 12:37 PM

ek shayr likh kar post kiya thha qafiyabandi ke experiment ke taur par... ye sochte hue ke ehbaab-e-bazm is silsile ko aage badhaenge, lekin ek Varinderji ne koshish ki thhi...maiN hi us ko aage badhhatha gaya, tukbandi karte hue, aur unke kahne pe is forum meiN rakh raha huN........


yaad se dil ko manauN kab tak
os se pyaas bujhauN kab tak

shaq hua jaata hai yeh dil jis se
is meiN woh dard chhupauN kab tak
(shaq=break )

ik teri yaad se raunaq hai magar
bazm-e-dil ko yuN sajaauN kab tak

bas tere naam se ro uthta hai
dil ko is tarah rulauN kab tak

hai andhera koi aaya, na gaya
shama-e-dil ko jalauN kab tak

hai jafa sehna ka ik naam wafa
rasm-e-ulfath maiN nibhauN kab tak

ab aap log shirkat farmaiye aur is qafiyabandi ke tajrube ko aage le chaliye....

khair andesh


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pallavi_here
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14th January 2006, 02:36 PM

jee bahut khoobsoorat... sach me behad pyaari aur easy flowing gazal..... ek aur umda chhote beher ki gazal dekh kar sachh me bahut achha laga... thanx for sharing this wid us daanish ji
apna khayaal rakhiyega ...


Pallavi...

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Post 14th January 2006, 05:21 PM

aapke lajawaab lafzon se mulaqaat hui tow bahaut khushi hui. Yeh sochkar bhi accha laga ki woh shaqs aachuka hai jin-se bahaut kuch seekhna bhi hai.
Shuqriya Sir.


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Taish
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14th January 2006, 07:56 PM

wah! danish sahab hum to bas kayal ho gaye aake,varinder bhaiya to likhte hi hain ahcha aur aapne tukbandi karke is kalaam ko badhaya hi bahut khoob hai.bas lafzon ko bahut khubsurati se piroya hai.bas yunhi likhte rahiye.

GHAYAL



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Vo zamana tha, ye zamana hai...

----Taish

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meena chheda
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14th January 2006, 09:05 PM

daanish

yaad se dil ko manauN kab tak
os se pyaas bujhauN kab tak

din ke ujale mai to na mila
ab chaand ko jagaau kab tak


tumhe padhna humesha achha laga hai... khushi hai k varinder ne koshish ki thi.. or aaj tumne khud hi likh kar post kar diya ooska shukria kabul karna.
   
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Daanish_ Hyd
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15th January 2006, 09:21 AM

thank you vipin, pallavi and ghayal ........yeh ek experiment hai qafiyabandi ka aur maiN chaahta huN ka sab sareek hoN...Varinderji ne koshish ki thhi aur ab meenaji.
meenaji ka shayr paRHiye...



yaad se dil ko manauN kab tak
os se pyaas bujhauN kab tak

hai andhera koi aaya, na gaya
shama-e-dil ko jalauN kab tak


shaq hua jaata hai yeh dil jis se
is meiN woh dard chhupauN kab tak
(shaq=break )

ik teri yaad se raunaq hai magar
bazm-e-dil ko yuN sajaauN kab tak

bas tere naam se ro uthta hai
dil ko is tarah rulauN kab tak

hai jafa sehne ka ik naam wafa
rasm-e-ulfath maiN nibhauN kab tak

na mila din ke ujale maiN woh
chaand ko ab maiN jagaauN kab tak (Meenaji)

hai tabassum to mere hoNtoN pe
dil se maiN ashk bahaauN kab tak

ehbaab-e- anjuman se yeh guzarish hai---ab aap log shirkat farmaiye aur is qafiyabandi ke tajrube ko aage le chaliye....











khair andesh


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shrdh
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15th January 2006, 09:51 AM

danish ji aapke ek ek sher man ko chu gaya.
tuk bandi bhi kafi achhi hai
agar ye kosish hai to jo jab aap puri tarah se likhenge to gajab hoga.
os se pyaas bhujaoon kab tak ,
maan gaye danish ji

shrdh


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kuhulika
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15th January 2006, 02:32 PM

bahut khoob Danish ji
bas yu hin mehfil sajaate rahiye


SHWETA


jab yaad karte hai kisi ko
wo waqt suhana hota hai

uth jati hai kalam likhne ko
wo pyar deewana hota hai

kar deti hai haal-e-dil bayaan
wo kalaam shayraana hota hai

jab yaad karte hai kisi ko
wo waqt suhana hota hai...


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
duniya mein kitna gam hai
apna gam phir bhi kam hai
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
   
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Daanish_ Hyd
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15th January 2006, 03:45 PM

Shukriya Ms Shradhha and Ms Kuhulika

maiN chaahta huN ke sab is kaavish meiN shareek ho jayeN aur qafiyabandi ke is tajrube ko nayi jahateN ata kareN........silsile ko aage badhhane ke liye ek aur shayr haazir hai:

yaad se dil ko manauN kab tak
os se pyaas bujhauN kab tak

hai andhera koi aaya, na gaya
shama-e-dil ko jalauN kab tak


shaq hua jaata hai yeh dil jis se
is meiN woh dard chhupauN kab tak
(shaq=break )

ik teri yaad se raunaq hai magar
bazm-e-dil ko yuN sajaauN kab tak

bas tere naam se ro uthta hai
dil ko is tarah rulauN kab tak

hai jafa sehne ka ik naam wafa
rasm-e-ulfath maiN nibhauN kab tak

na mila din ke ujale maiN woh
chaand ko ab maiN jagaauN kab tak (Meenaji)

hai tabassum to mere hoNtoN pe
dil se maiN ashk bahaauN kab tak

gham-e-duniya thha muqaddar lekin
gham-e-jaanaN ko sambhaaluN kab tak


daanish hyderabadi
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deep_in_ur_hear
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16th January 2006, 01:01 AM

nazrein bicchaye khada hu kabse
wo nahi aayenge! chupaun kab tak.

cherag saare hawa buja gayii
roshni ke liye dil ko jalaun kab tak..



marane kii duaaye.n kyuu.N maa.Nguu.N jiine kii tamaannaa kaun kare
ye duniyaa ho yaa vo duniyaa ab Khvaahish-e-duniyaa kaun kare


jo aag lagaaii thii tum ne us ko to bujhaayaa ashko.n ne
jo ashko.n ke bha.Dakaaii hai us aag ko Tha.nDaa kaun kare


jab kashtii saabit-o-saalib thii, saahil kii tamannaa kisako thii
ab aisii shikastaa kashtii me.n saahil kii tamannaa kaun kare


duniyaa ne hame.n chho.Daa ai dil, ham chho.D na de kyo.n duniyaa ko
duniyaa ko samajh kar baiThe hai.n ab duniyaa duniyaa kaun kare



-Moen Ahsan Jazbi
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dard dil ka
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16th January 2006, 11:01 AM

dard dete hain woh aaj bhi itna
hum nahi bayan kar sakte kitna
hume chhod kar
chali gayi kahi aur
dil chhali kar gayi itna
khuda na kare dil kisi ka toote
ab mujhe dard hota hain itna


dard dil ka

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garima
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16th January 2006, 11:29 AM

utna achha to nahi likhati.. lekin jo itani achhi rachana padhi to kuchh likhane ki koshish ki hai.. ummid hai sahi hoga



choor-choor ho gaya hai mera dil
ruh se dard chhupaaun kab tak

ab nahi rukane ki chahat bachi
haal-e-dil apna samjhaaun kab tak


Anant se bhi aage... itni si khwahish hai :)
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Daanish_ Hyd
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16th January 2006, 12:17 PM

garima, deep, dard
shirkat ki aap logoN ne is kaavish meiN...shukriya

chaliye yahaN se ek aur shayr ka izaafa karte hu'e is silsile ko aage le chalte haiN...

aql ne unko tau to pehchaan liya
dil ko ye baat na bataauN kab tak
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dard dil ka
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16th January 2006, 01:41 PM

shukriya sabhi ko shirkat karne ke liye is mehfil mein -


mein bhi thoda dard liye age badhata hoon -

dard chupaye phirte ho kyo is dil mein
akhir chupao ge is dard ko kab tak


dard dil ka

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Pulkit_gupta
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16th January 2006, 01:45 PM

yaad se dil ko manauN kab tak
os se pyaas bujhauN kab tak

shaq hua jaata hai yeh dil jis se
is meiN woh dard chhupauN kab tak
(shaq=break )

Waaah... khoosbsurat bayaani...!


ik teri yaad se raunaq hai magar
bazm-e-dil ko yuN sajaauN kab tak

bas tere naam se ro uthta hai
dil ko is tarah rulauN kab tak

Ky baat kahi hai...!


hai andhera koi aaya, na gaya
shama-e-dil ko jalauN kab tak

hai jafa sehna ka ik naam wafa
rasm-e-ulfath maiN nibhauN kab tak

bahut khoob...!

Daanish saahab,

Ek bahut hi khoobsurat ghazal pesh kii hai aapne... kaafi free flowing hai...accha laga padhkar...Meri daad kubool lijiyega...!

Its a good initiative taken by you, Family members wud get to interact with each other a bit more and gather some knowledge along side...

Aate rahiye...apna khayal rakhiyega..!


Kab sochaa thha milegaa humsafar "Shweta" jaisaa
Lagta hai is baar "Pulkit", kismat teri bhi rang laayii hai
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dard dil ka
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16th January 2006, 01:53 PM

kya khoob likha hai aap sabhi ne



rota to mein bhi hun bahut
par is dil ko samjhau kab tak

dard to diya unhone mujhe babhut
par yaad unhe mein karu kab tak

waqt tham gaya hain muqar gaya hai woh
is waqt ko roku mein aakhir kab tak

----------- "Neal" ______


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Daanish_ Hyd
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16th January 2006, 05:26 PM

aap log sab shareek ho rahe haiN ye badi achhi baat hi...koshish kijye ke line ki 'length' theek rahe yani behar meiN aur doosra misra qafiya ke paband rahe...for example (manauN kab tak, rulauN kab tak, na aauN kab tak, haNsaauN kab tak, nibhhauN kab tak, chhupauN kab tak, dikhauN kab tak) jahaN tak ho sake, naye qafiye meiN baat kahne ki koshish ki jiye, yani chhupauN kab tak agar bahut istemal kiya gaya, to dikhauN kab tak, lutauN kab tak se shayr kahiye. aur beher ke liye koi ek line le lijiye aur us line ko roughly zehan meiN break up kar lijiye
"os se pyaa/s bujhaau/ kab tak"
(yaad rahe ke unstressed 'na' sound hisaab meiN nahiN liya jaata, magar likhna zaroor)...this is an experiment--you don't have to get it right....I go wrong all the time, maiN khud ek mubtadi (beginner) huN... I'm no expert although I'm talking like one...trust yr inner sense of rhythm...........aur jahaN tak ho sake style, yani tarz-e-bayaan shayarana ho...not prosaic...
ek aur baat--shayr ke dono misroN meiN perfect connection (rabt) honi chahiye. to give you one example from our great master--momin:
sajde pe sar qalam ho, dua par zabaaN kate
goya na woh zameeN hai, na woh aasmaN hai ab

if you look at this shayr there isn't one word that is used without purpose...momin, it is said wrote this on the changing times when the British were wreaking havoc in and around Delhi...
sajda khuda ko karte haiN, zameen pe maatha rakh kar, agar woh karo to sar kaat diya jaayega (qalam), dua karo to zabaaN kaat di jaayegi--sajda-sar qalam, zameeN, /dua--zabaaN kate, aasmaN

or to take an example from popular culture-- Sahir saab ki ghazal ka ek shayr le lijiye (used as a film song in 'Hum Dono'):

gham aur khushi meiN farq na mahsoos ho jahaN
maiN dil ko us maqaam pe lata chala gaya

straightforward, direct and easy-flowing in terms of continuity of thought......sorry for all this unsolicited advice, magar is se ek bhi shaks ko is meiN apne matlab ka kuchh advice mil jaye, tau kaafi hai........


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Pulkit_gupta
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16th January 2006, 05:34 PM

Danish,

You dont hav to be sorry for sharing the knowledge.... All those who want to learn this art of expression wud definitely be benifitted... and those who dont want can simply ignore it...!

I personally loved this initiative... Do keep sharing with us...


Kab sochaa thha milegaa humsafar "Shweta" jaisaa
Lagta hai is baar "Pulkit", kismat teri bhi rang laayii hai
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deep_in_ur_hear
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16th January 2006, 11:56 PM

raas na aaye maykhane bhi muje
khud ko sharab main dubaun kab tak.

tuje cchod bhi nahi sakta majdhaar main
zindagi tera saath nibhaun kab tak...

daanish ji sahi raha pe hu naa????



marane kii duaaye.n kyuu.N maa.Nguu.N jiine kii tamaannaa kaun kare
ye duniyaa ho yaa vo duniyaa ab Khvaahish-e-duniyaa kaun kare


jo aag lagaaii thii tum ne us ko to bujhaayaa ashko.n ne
jo ashko.n ke bha.Dakaaii hai us aag ko Tha.nDaa kaun kare


jab kashtii saabit-o-saalib thii, saahil kii tamannaa kisako thii
ab aisii shikastaa kashtii me.n saahil kii tamannaa kaun kare


duniyaa ne hame.n chho.Daa ai dil, ham chho.D na de kyo.n duniyaa ko
duniyaa ko samajh kar baiThe hai.n ab duniyaa duniyaa kaun kare



-Moen Ahsan Jazbi
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Daanish_ Hyd
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17th January 2006, 09:49 AM

deep
good effort... u r on course....bas thoda rhythm ko aur polish karte jaiye, hamesha beher meiN kahne ke liye...koi khaas baat nahiN,aa jayega....

khair andesh


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dard dil ka
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17th January 2006, 10:06 AM

danish sahab aadab!!



Mein bhi kuch shirkat kar raha hoon -


dard hota hain is dil mein
aakhir chupau kab tak

nikalta bhi nahi
aakhir dabau kab tak

mehkhane mein bhi gaye bhoolne gam
aakhir maikhane jau kab tak

mohabbat,ishq ,pyar lagta hai ab jhoota
aakhir main apne dil ko manau kab tak

shirkat karte hai hum shayri.com mein roz
aakhir sabko apna gam sunau kab tak

Neal ko diya kisi ne dhokha
aakhir batau kab tak

khush rahe woh bewafa hamesha dua hai meri
aakhir manau kab tak



_NEAL ____Patte ki awaz

Pawan chalti hai woh yaad aati hai
Neal tadapta hai patte ki awaz aati hai


b


dard dil ka

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Daanish_ Hyd
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18th January 2006, 10:38 AM

ab is tajrube ko yahaN khatm karenge aur ek nayi kosish ki taraf qadam badhhaenge...
aap sab ki shirkat ka bahut bahut shukriya...yeh tajruba kuchh had tak kamyaab raha...ye kaavish maine ek maqsad ke tehat ki thhi...sab ghazal-go ehbaab se meri guzarish hai ke ghazal ke buniyaadi pehluoN ko (fundamental aspects) nazar aandaaz na kareN...beher, qaafiya, radeef aur phir tarz-e-izhaar par ghaur kareN...
pichhle message maiN ne kaha thha ke qafiya ka istemaal 'manauN kab tak', 'satauN kab tak', 'rulauN kab tak' ki munasibat se honi chahiye, aur us ke baad maine ek shayr ka izaafa kiya thha sambhhaluN ka tak baandthe hue. jo ke ghalat hai...haye, kisi ne nahiN toka...chaliye, tasseeh kar dete haiN:

gham-e-jaanaaN ko uthhauN kab tak...

phir kuchh dinoN baad haazir honge aur ek tajruba ke liye........

khair andesh


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