Lawyer jokes :)

farhana · **Lawyer jokes :) -** 28th November 2005, 06:23 AM

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.
The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.
"Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.
The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."
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A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness, "Yes, sir."
The lawyer, "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness, "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness), "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness, "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
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A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I`m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Lawyers."
"But, but, but, I`ve been a good man", replies the Lawyer.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I`ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here`s your thirty dollars back, now take a hike!"

Parul · 29th November 2005, 09:44 AM

Good one farhana...

farhana · 29th November 2005, 10:19 AM

thanks for njoying them.bye

astha · 24th September 2008, 10:46 AM

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful,
second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

nick1983 · 24th September 2008, 04:14 PM

good ones......................

astha · 24th September 2008, 06:36 PM

thx nick

Q. What do u have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?

Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1. Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2. Take your foot off his head.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.

astha · 25th September 2008, 11:32 AM

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Waheed · 25th September 2008, 01:51 PM

Hello
Farhan Bahot Khub Issi trah Likh te Rahiye

aur ek Baat Aap ka Location bahot Accha he Hume Jagah Mil Sakti he kya

Khuda Hafiz
Waheed khan

astha · 25th September 2008, 04:31 PM

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

astha · 27th September 2008, 10:23 AM

Courtroom Dialogues

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.

astha · 27th September 2008, 01:56 PM

courtroom dialogues..

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

astha · 30th September 2008, 07:51 PM

Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Lawyer: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.

astha · 2nd October 2008, 02:53 PM

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

astha · 15th October 2008, 11:03 AM

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget things.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?