Sas-ria-kaal janab,
first of all, allow me to welcome you to shayri.com. i hope u will enjoy urself and we will get to see more from you. WELCOME.
Second - ur creation! very painful! literally.. looks like you just ripped out your heart! i can feel the pain of separation on this creation of yours. very good use of the punjabi literature as well. overall a mind-blowing piece of work to open an account with.
however, please allow me suggest one thing... i think ( and this is my opinion) that if the flow of the rest of the poem stays the way it is opened, i think it will make a better way. e.g. after first two lines... we have the main two lines which feature at the end of each stanza. however after the opening two lines.. they began to feature after four lines! still makes a beautiful read.. but i reckon it will be much better if it came after two lines as it will keep the rythm going. I hope i didnt offend you...
God Bless you
ISH