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chandsi
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4th March 2006, 08:22 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Parastaar
1st

Hai sab-kucch zindagi me par kucch kami si hai
Rukaa rukaa sa mera din, aur raat thhami si hai
--Pulkit Gupta

2nd sher

qismat se yahan ae dost kaun jeet paya hai
lakeeron ne ki mujhse kuchh dillagi si hai
-Chandsi====thanks paaras ji .........aapne mere likhe pe dhyaan
.....................diyaa or usse change kiya ........


3rd sher

Bewajeh gham ko paalein aisi to aadat nahi
aarzoo teri jo utari, aankhon mein nami si hai
-- Pallavi

zindagi tere binn kat bhi jaati magar
aankho main _tere khwaab ki roshni sii haii

Tum na ho paaye mere toh kya
Tumse milna bhi _ bepanah khushi sii haiI


Chandsii




.
Bada hua to kya hua jaisay paid khajoor,
Panthi ko chhaya nahin, phal laagen ati door.

Nahaye dhoye kya bhala jo man ka mail na jaay
Meen sada jal mein rahe par tan ki baas na jaay

Akath Kahani Prem Ki, Kutch Kahi Na Jaye
Goonge Keri Sarkara, Baithe Muskae





.................................bye and tc ..................
   
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chandsi
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4th March 2006, 08:32 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Sharaabi
shuuruu shuuruu meiN kuch galtiiyaaN huii, par koii baat nahiiN, aisaa aksar hotaa rahe gaa. manoj saahab ne ik sher kii jagah do sher pesh kiye, aur salman bhai ghazal kaa khatmaa karnaa bhool gaye
koii baat nahiiN dostoN, ab shyad thoDa behtar samajh aa gayaa hogaa.

aur haaN, maine takhallus kaa isthemaal nahiiN kiyaa, kyooN kii ghazal mehfil ke naam thii.

here is the complete ghazal --
  • Dekho yaaroN dekho, sajaavaT mehfil kii
    Har ghaDii rahe gii yeh chaahat mehfil kii

    aman

    do jaam pee kar jab ladkhadayenge kadam
    benaqaab ho jayegi sharafat mehfil ki

    manoj saahab

    shamma ki jageh dil bhi jale hai yahan
    dekh sako to dekho banawat mehfil ki

    manoj saahab

    Is bazm main hai shareek hazaron Shayar..
    ye rind bhi hai shamil, hai inayat mehfil ki..

    varinder saahab

    Sadiuyn ka safar te karke 'hum' yahaaN paunche
    Aisii bhi kia thi humme.....mohabbat mehfil ki

    salman shaikh saahab

maafii chahtaa hooN salman saahab, aapke aakhrii sher ko thoDa edit kar diyaa, kyooN kii ghazal kii lambaaii paanch she'roN se zyaadaa nahiiN ho saktii. khair, gar buuraa laggaa ho, to chhoThaa bhai samajh kar maaf kar dii jiye gaa. aur manoj bhai kaa 'latest' pesh kiyaa huaa sher ghazal meiN shaamil nahiiN ho sakaa, kyooN kii lambaaii bahot bhaD gayii hai. maaf kar dii jiye gaa, par unke sher pe nazar zaroor daaliiye gaa:

jawan nazaaron ka khumar dil par chada hai
ban ke kayamat aayi hai yeh raat mehfil ki


ek baat aur dostoN -- aap is 'thread' jab bhii apnaa sher likho ge, to meherbaanii kar ke sabko bataa dii jiye gaa kii kaunse 'number' kaa thaa. only reson for that is so the writer compsing the last sher (Makta) knows that it is time to end the ghazal.

and finally, the lecture comes to an end with the last rule! as much as we all want to comment the compositions of others, please try to keep it low, as it gets confusing for the writer(s).

aur haaN, aglii ghazal kii shuruuvaat maiN nahiiN kar rahaa, jiskaa bhi dil ko, wahii karde. but remember, the first sher of the ghazal consists of two radeef(s).

goodnight





..........................THANKS A LOT ISS JAANKAARI KE LIYE ................KOOI SHIKHAATE RAHE TOH ACHCHA LAGTA HAI

AAPNE LIKHA HAI KI MANOJ JI NE EK KI JAGAH DO SHER LIKH DIYE .............TOH KYA YE RULES KE KHILAAF THA .............COZ MAINE BHI KUTCH AISA KAR DIYAA AAJ..........FOR THIS ME SORRY .............AAPNE KAHA KI APNA SHER NO BHI LIKH DENA CHAAHIYE ...............MAINE WAHAN NAHI LIKHE HAIN TAAKI AGAR MERA LIKHA KISI KO PASAND NA AAYE TOH USSE CHAANT SAKTE HAIN COZ MUJHE ABHI THIK SE NAHI AATA LIKHNA ...............THANKS .................FOR EVERY THING.....................BYE AND TC






.




.
Bada hua to kya hua jaisay paid khajoor,
Panthi ko chhaya nahin, phal laagen ati door.

Nahaye dhoye kya bhala jo man ka mail na jaay
Meen sada jal mein rahe par tan ki baas na jaay

Akath Kahani Prem Ki, Kutch Kahi Na Jaye
Goonge Keri Sarkara, Baithe Muskae





.................................bye and tc ..................

Last edited by chandsi; 4th March 2006 at 08:38 PM..
   
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chandsi
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4th March 2006, 08:53 PM

OKKK..................5 SE 8 SHER LIKH SAKTE HAIN .......PARAS JI NE LIKHA HAI HMMMMM................ABHI ABHI UNKE LIKHE RULES PE DHYAAN GAYA ....................SACH SIKHNE KE LIYE BAHUT KUTCH //KUCHH HAI ......................THANKS .AAP DONO KA .........PLZ KOOI YE NA SAMJHE KI MAIN AAP LOGO KO PARESHAAN KAR RAHI HOON ..........DIL MAIN KUTCH BAATAIN THI POOCH LIYA MAINE KEH DIYAA MAINE SABKE SAAMNE LIKHI TAAKI BAAKI LOG BHI PADHAIN OR UNKO BHI PATA CHALE ====YAA=== KAHO MERI TARAH UNKO BHI SHIKHNE KO MILE ......

.................................................. ....................WITH REGARDS

.................................................. ...............................CHANDSI




.
Bada hua to kya hua jaisay paid khajoor,
Panthi ko chhaya nahin, phal laagen ati door.

Nahaye dhoye kya bhala jo man ka mail na jaay
Meen sada jal mein rahe par tan ki baas na jaay

Akath Kahani Prem Ki, Kutch Kahi Na Jaye
Goonge Keri Sarkara, Baithe Muskae





.................................bye and tc ..................
   
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deep_in_ur_hear
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5th March 2006, 12:56 AM

roz kahin na kahin hoti hain mulaaqat
zindagi fir bhi tu kitni ajnabi si hain



marane kii duaaye.n kyuu.N maa.Nguu.N jiine kii tamaannaa kaun kare
ye duniyaa ho yaa vo duniyaa ab Khvaahish-e-duniyaa kaun kare


jo aag lagaaii thii tum ne us ko to bujhaayaa ashko.n ne
jo ashko.n ke bha.Dakaaii hai us aag ko Tha.nDaa kaun kare


jab kashtii saabit-o-saalib thii, saahil kii tamannaa kisako thii
ab aisii shikastaa kashtii me.n saahil kii tamannaa kaun kare


duniyaa ne hame.n chho.Daa ai dil, ham chho.D na de kyo.n duniyaa ko
duniyaa ko samajh kar baiThe hai.n ab duniyaa duniyaa kaun kare



-Moen Ahsan Jazbi
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Parastaar
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5th March 2006, 12:54 PM

Dosto...

Aap sabka jazbaa dekh kar bahut khushi hoti hai...kitna shauk hai aap sab ko shayri seekhne ka....dekhiye aapki tarah main bhi seekhna chahti hoon...isiliey iss thread ka agaazh maine aap sabke chahete Talib Sir ke saath milkar kiya thaa...phir hamein Aman (sharaabi) sahib ka bhi saath thaa...uske baad Gumnaam aaye aur hamari madad unhone bhi ki....

Na tau main urdu zabaan achhe se jaanti hoon na hi takniki taur pe kisi kalaam pe apni raaye de sakti hoon....lekin jitna bhi jaanti hoon uske baais yeh keh sakti hoon ki itne arse ke baad bhi hum wahin ke wahin hain...na hum kaafiya aur radeef pe dhyaan de rahe hain, na hi ghazal ki rawaani pe....aur phir ghazal ke content ko tau bilkul hi nazarandaaz kar jaate hain....shayri ke sab sher ek duusre se jude rehte hain...khayaal ek hota hai...yeh nahin ki ek sher east ko jaaye aur duusra...west bhi nahin....south ki aur chal pade.....

phir iss thread ko humne khaas taur se without praises and all that fluff rakha hai...main chahti hoon ki aap log is baat ka dhyaan rakhein iss thread ko saada hi rakhein....decorative font, colorful signatures vagairah iss thread se pare hi rakhein....kyunki ghazal ka shingaar uske sahi dhang mein likhe misre hain na ki ultra decorative way of writing....

kuch kehna bhi chahein tau sirf simple font istemaal karein...we need not take away from the real reason why we are here....that is to make an honest attempt to learn shayri....

in my following post i ll correct everyone's sher to the best of my ability...please follow it through to the 8th sher...remember the sher has to be accompanied by the ones before yours and do not forget to number your shers...aap sabse guzarish hai ki likhte rahiey...shukriya Chandsi ki aapne mujhe apne comments likh kar yaad dilaya ki yeh exercise hum aakhir kyun kar rahe hain...


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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Parastaar
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5th March 2006, 01:05 PM

1st sher

Hai sab-kucch zindagi me par kucch kami si hai
Rukaa rukaa sa mera din, aur raat thhami si hi
--Pulkit Gupta

2nd sher

qismat se yahan kab, kaun jeet paya hai
jab apni hi lakeeron mein be-dami si hai
-Chandsi

3rd sher

Bewajeh gham ko paalein aisi to aadat nahi
aarzoo jo teri utari, aankhon mein nami si hai
-- Pallavi

4th sher

shab o roz karte hain tujhse mulakatein
phir bhi bata zindagi, kyun darhami si hai
--Deep



*yahan par Pulkit ke likhe matle ke mutabiq kaafiya yoon bana hai

kami, thami, be-dami(breath-less), nami, darhami(confusion)... main kuch suggest karoon....jami, ghami, humdami, vagairah vagairah...

radeef = si hai


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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chandsi
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5th March 2006, 02:27 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Parastaar
1st sher

Hai sab-kucch zindagi me par kucch kami si hai
Rukaa rukaa sa mera din, aur raat thhami si hi
--Pulkit Gupta

2nd sher

qismat se yahan kab, kaun jeet paya hai
jab apni hi lakeeron mein be-dami si hai
-Chandsi

3rd sher

Bewajeh gham ko paalein aisi to aadat nahi
aarzoo jo teri utari, aankhon mein nami si hai
-- Pallavi

4th sher

shab o roz karte hain tujhse mulakatein
phir bhi bata zindagi, kyun darhami si hai
--Deep



*yahan par Pulkit ke likhe matle ke mutabiq kaafiya yoon bana hai

kami, thami, be-dami(breath-less), nami, darhami(confusion)... main kuch suggest karoon....jami, ghami, humdami, vagairah vagairah...

radeef = si hai

ok ....................so kaafiya is ..........nami==ami===par kya agar main keval (i) ko similar rakhoon toh galat ho jaayega .....

jaise ki maine yahan bas (i)ko hin similar rakha hai .............






Hai sab-kucch zindagi me par kucch kami si hai
Rukaa rukaa sa mera din, aur raat thhami si hai== PULKIT

Bewajeh gham ko paalein aisi to aadat nahi
aarzoo teri jo utari, aankhon mein nami si hai==PALLAVI

zindagi tum bin adhoori hin nahi
aasoon bhi AANKHO MAIN kutch rukii sii hai

Qismat se lad sakkoo itna aasAan bhi nahi
khuda ne ki mere sang kutch dillagii sii haii===MAINE CHANGE NAHI KIYA

zindagi tere binn kat bhi jaati magar
aankho main _tere khwaab ki roshnii sii haii

KHWAAB KABHI SACH HOTE HIN NAHI
KHWAABON KI BINA ZINDAGI KUTCH PHEEKII SI HAI

HAI NIYAM KE KHILAAF TERA NAAM LENA BHI
YE NIYAM BHI MERE LIYE Zulmii**//Zeyaadtii ** SII HAI


WO na ho paaye mere toh kya
UNse milna bhi ‘’CHANDSI ‘’_Maal-e-bandagii SII HAII



=== yahan jo maine naam use kiya aisa pehli baar kiyaa .........kya ye sahi hai galat bann gaya hai .............?plz help me


sahi hai kooi shikhaane waala ho ....jo pyaar se shikaaye jismain chal kapat na ho ..sabko apna samjhe ..........jismain kooi ego na ho mai ki bhavna na ho toh sikhne main jyaada achcha lagta hai ...............................


thanks aapke sabhi shabdo ke liye ..............bye and tc ........




.




.
Bada hua to kya hua jaisay paid khajoor,
Panthi ko chhaya nahin, phal laagen ati door.

Nahaye dhoye kya bhala jo man ka mail na jaay
Meen sada jal mein rahe par tan ki baas na jaay

Akath Kahani Prem Ki, Kutch Kahi Na Jaye
Goonge Keri Sarkara, Baithe Muskae





.................................bye and tc ..................
   
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garima
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5th March 2006, 02:43 PM

ok ....................so kaafiya is ..........nami==ami===par kya agar main keval (i) ko similar rakhoon toh galat ho jaayega .....

jaise ki maine yahan bas (i)ko hin similar rakha hai .............




chandsi ji maine jahaan tak padha hai.. sirf vowel ko rakh ke bhi kaafiya banta hai aur wo galat nahi hai.. kaafiya ke jaankaari ke liye is link ko padhiye...

http://www.abhivyakti-hindi.org/rach...l/ghazal02.htm

aap padhiye jaroor samjh me aayega

Thanks
Garima


Anant se bhi aage... itni si khwahish hai :)
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acharya_mj
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Hi paaras - 5th March 2006, 02:47 PM

Quote:
ori ginaaly written by paaras

1st sher

Hai sab-kucch zindagi me par kucch kami si hai
Rukaa rukaa sa mera din, aur raat thhami si hi
--Pulkit Gupta

2nd sher

qismat se yahan kab, kaun jeet paya hai
jab apni hi lakeeron mein be-dami si hai
-Chandsi

3rd sher

Bewajeh gham ko paalein aisi to aadat nahi
aarzoo jo teri utari, aankhon mein nami si hai
-- Pallavi

4th sher

shab o roz karte hain tujhse mulakatein
phir bhi bata zindagi, kyun darhami si hai
--Deep



*yahan par Pulkit ke likhe matle ke mutabiq kaafiya yoon bana hai

kami, thami, be-dami(breath-less), nami, darhami(confusion)... main kuch suggest karoon....jami, ghami, humdami, vagairah vagairah...

radeef = si hai


------------
paras

us se mai.n kuchh paa sakuu.N aisii kahaa.N ummiid thii
Gam bhii vo shaayad baraa-e-meharabaanii de gayaa
I want to add some lines in to it




Hamne socha ke ashq ban k aankho mai rah jaaye
Par ye chilman mai koi aur bhi nami si hai,

Zinda rah sake,tume hamnafas bana liya hamne
Hawao ki fitrat bhi kuchh aadmi si hai

Umrabhar chalta raha rahgujar par teri rahnuma ban ke
Manzil-e-ishq bhi tere shahar mai sarzami si hai

Ab tak jita tha mai ,apni laas kandho pai apne dhho kar
Aap mil gaye ho ab zindgi kuchh Zindagi si hai

Ham dhundhte rahe zindagi ka matlab idhar udhar,
Aap ko paakar nazar lagta hai kaaymi si hai



How was that?

Last edited by acharya_mj; 5th March 2006 at 02:53 PM..
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chandsi
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5th March 2006, 02:52 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by garima
ok ....................so kaafiya is ..........nami==ami===par kya agar main keval (i) ko similar rakhoon toh galat ho jaayega .....

jaise ki maine yahan bas (i)ko hin similar rakha hai .............




chandsi ji maine jahaan tak padha hai.. sirf vowel ko rakh ke bhi kaafiya banta hai aur wo galat nahi hai.. kaafiya ke jaankaari ke liye is link ko padhiye...

http://www.abhivyakti-hindi.org/rach...l/ghazal02.htm

aap padhiye jaroor samjh me aayega

Thanks
Garima

thanks garima .....................behad pasand aaya ye link .................thanks a lot ........bahut kutch shikhne ko hai issmain .................................


.................................................. .....................................TC




.
Bada hua to kya hua jaisay paid khajoor,
Panthi ko chhaya nahin, phal laagen ati door.

Nahaye dhoye kya bhala jo man ka mail na jaay
Meen sada jal mein rahe par tan ki baas na jaay

Akath Kahani Prem Ki, Kutch Kahi Na Jaye
Goonge Keri Sarkara, Baithe Muskae





.................................bye and tc ..................
   
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Parastaar
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6th March 2006, 08:38 PM

Chandsi ji and Dear Acharya Sahib...

before I start I'm just reminding everyone of the rules in this thread...

Here in this thread, the ghazal is required to have 8 sher(s). Ab paaNch kii jagaH, aahT sher'oN ke binna kaam nahiiN chale gaa, taakiiN aur logoN ko bhii maukaa mile. aur haaN, agar aap ek se zyaada sher likhnaa chahte haiN, to aapko intezaar karnaa paDe gaa. you can only post one 'sher' at once, but you can post another after somebody also gets a chance of posting.

you can say a whole ghazal anywhere else in the forum...but this is an exercise to learn so no more than one sher in one post...

again Chandsi ji your use of 'i' instead of the kaafiya that was suggested may be right in another context or ghazal but not here....a Kaafiya is a rhyming pattern just before Radeef...if you read your ghazal aloud you'll see what I mean...there has to be no obstacle in the singing or recital of a ghazal....else it takes away from the enjoyment of a good ghazal...and remember just words without any content is futile...your sher should make sense...it is not just a collection of words...but a thought also...so let's try once again...and continue...


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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Parastaar
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6th March 2006, 08:40 PM

1st sher

Hai sab-kucch zindagi me par kucch kami si hai
Rukaa rukaa sa mera din, aur raat thhami si hi
--Pulkit Gupta

2nd sher

qismat se yahan kab, kaun jeet paya hai
jab apni hi lakeeron mein be-dami si hai
-Chandsi

3rd sher

Bewajeh gham ko paalein aisi to aadat nahi
aarzoo jo teri utari, aankhon mein nami si hai
-- Pallavi

4th sher

shab o roz karte hain tujhse mulakatein
phir bhi bata zindagi, kyun darhami si hai
--Deep



*yahan par Pulkit ke likhe matle ke mutabiq kaafiya yoon bana hai

kami, thami, be-dami(breath-less), nami, darhami(confusion)... main kuch suggest karoon....jami, ghami, humdami, vagairah vagairah...

radeef = si hai


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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chandsi
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7th March 2006, 12:57 AM

Originally posted by Parastaar
Chandsi ji and Dear Acharya Sahib...

before I start I'm just reminding everyone of the rules in this thread...

Here in this thread, the ghazal is required to have 8 sher(s). Ab paaNch kii jagaH, aahT sher'oN ke binna kaam nahiiN chale gaa, taakiiN aur logoN ko bhii maukaa mile. aur haaN, agar aap ek se zyaada sher likhnaa chahte haiN, to aapko intezaar karnaa paDe gaa. you can only post one 'sher' at once, but you can post another after somebody also gets a chance of posting.

you can say a whole ghazal anywhere else in the forum...but this is an exercise to learn so no more than one sher in one post...

again Chandsi ji your use of 'i' instead of the kaafiya that was suggested may be right in another context or ghazal but not here....a Kaafiya is a rhyming pattern just before Radeef...if you read your ghazal aloud you'll see what I mean...there has to be no obstacle in the singing or recital of a ghazal....else it takes away from the enjoyment of a good ghazal...and remember just words without any content is futile...your sher should make sense...it is not just a collection of words...but a thought also...so let's try once again...and continue...


sahi hai ....................

kaii baatain shikhne ko milee..........................

&

ye understood tha ki jab pulkit ne apne lines main dono kaafiya (ami)*rakha tha humsabko wahi use karna chaahiye .............+ poem se milta julta bhaav likhna chaahiye ..................

shayad main bana nahi paai ......................sorry for this .........issliye aaj tak aapke iss post pe nahi aati thi coz mujhe pata tha main likh na paaoungi .................par aai tho mere liye achcha hin huaa bahut kutch sikhne ko mila.................


.................................................. ..............thanks for everything





.




.
Bada hua to kya hua jaisay paid khajoor,
Panthi ko chhaya nahin, phal laagen ati door.

Nahaye dhoye kya bhala jo man ka mail na jaay
Meen sada jal mein rahe par tan ki baas na jaay

Akath Kahani Prem Ki, Kutch Kahi Na Jaye
Goonge Keri Sarkara, Baithe Muskae





.................................bye and tc ..................
   
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chandsi
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7th March 2006, 12:58 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Parastaar
1st sher

Hai sab-kucch zindagi me par kucch kami si hai
Rukaa rukaa sa mera din, aur raat thhami si hi
--Pulkit Gupta

2nd sher

qismat se yahan kab, kaun jeet paya hai
jab apni hi lakeeron mein be-dami si hai
-Chandsi

3rd sher

Bewajeh gham ko paalein aisi to aadat nahi
aarzoo jo teri utari, aankhon mein nami si hai
-- Pallavi

4th sher

shab o roz karte hain tujhse mulakatein
phir bhi bata zindagi, kyun darhami si hai
--Deep



*yahan par Pulkit ke likhe matle ke mutabiq kaafiya yoon bana hai

kami, thami, be-dami(breath-less), nami, darhami(confusion)... main kuch suggest karoon....jami, ghami, humdami, vagairah vagairah...

radeef = si hai




.
Bada hua to kya hua jaisay paid khajoor,
Panthi ko chhaya nahin, phal laagen ati door.

Nahaye dhoye kya bhala jo man ka mail na jaay
Meen sada jal mein rahe par tan ki baas na jaay

Akath Kahani Prem Ki, Kutch Kahi Na Jaye
Goonge Keri Sarkara, Baithe Muskae





.................................bye and tc ..................
   
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deep_in_ur_hear
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7th March 2006, 01:23 AM

1st sher

Hai sab-kucch zindagi me par kucch kami si hai
Rukaa rukaa sa mera din, aur raat thhami si hi
--Pulkit Gupta

2nd sher

qismat se yahan kab, kaun jeet paya hai
jab apni hi lakeeron mein be-dami si hai
-Chandsi

3rd sher

Bewajeh gham ko paalein aisi to aadat nahi
aarzoo jo teri utari, aankhon mein nami si hai
-- Pallavi

4th sher

shab o roz karte hain tujhse mulakatein
phir bhi bata zindagi, kyun darhami si hai
--Deep

5th one-
qaid kar lo muje apni baahon main
raat aaj ki kucch sehmi si hain

paras hope this one is rite and sorry 4 postin 2 consecutive ones.



marane kii duaaye.n kyuu.N maa.Nguu.N jiine kii tamaannaa kaun kare
ye duniyaa ho yaa vo duniyaa ab Khvaahish-e-duniyaa kaun kare


jo aag lagaaii thii tum ne us ko to bujhaayaa ashko.n ne
jo ashko.n ke bha.Dakaaii hai us aag ko Tha.nDaa kaun kare


jab kashtii saabit-o-saalib thii, saahil kii tamannaa kisako thii
ab aisii shikastaa kashtii me.n saahil kii tamannaa kaun kare


duniyaa ne hame.n chho.Daa ai dil, ham chho.D na de kyo.n duniyaa ko
duniyaa ko samajh kar baiThe hai.n ab duniyaa duniyaa kaun kare



-Moen Ahsan Jazbi
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Parastaar
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16th March 2006, 09:17 PM

1st sher

Hai sab-kucch zindagi me par kucch kami si hai
Rukaa rukaa sa mera din, raat thhami si hi
--Pulkit Gupta

2nd sher

qismat se yahan kab, kaun jeet paya hai
jab apni hi lakeeron mein be-dami si hai
-Chandsi

3rd sher

Bewajeh gham ko paalein aisi to aadat nahi
aarzoo jo teri utari, aankhon mein nami si hai
-- Pallavi

4th sher

shab o roz karte hain tujhse mulakatein
phir bhi bata zindagi, kyun darhami si hai
--Deep

5th sher

humne kab tumse maange thhe ujaale
kuch teergi se apni bhi humdami si hai
--paras

6th sher

qaid kar lo mujhe apni baahon mein
bus aaj ki raat kucch sehmi si hai
--Deep

be-dami = be jaan
darhami = confusion



*Deep it is not consective now...right? hope others will continue it...


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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masti
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14th April 2006, 04:35 PM

Thanks paras di aapke is thread par aaj hi najar padi iske liye maafi chahti hoon. mujhe jyada to nahi aata-apni samajh se is dhage mein ek moti aur jodne ka pryas kar rahi hoon, umeed hai ke pasand aayega.

Satwaan sher

Shaam se shama jalaye bethain hai
Tum aaye to lagta hai ke roshani si hai

Apki Sarika
   
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kuhulika
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14th April 2006, 06:14 PM

tere pyar ne ki aisi ruswayi hai ki
ashkon mein bhi teri parchayi hai

hope galat nahi hua ho...


SHWETA


jab yaad karte hai kisi ko
wo waqt suhana hota hai

uth jati hai kalam likhne ko
wo pyar deewana hota hai

kar deti hai haal-e-dil bayaan
wo kalaam shayraana hota hai

jab yaad karte hai kisi ko
wo waqt suhana hota hai...


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
duniya mein kitna gam hai
apna gam phir bhi kam hai
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
   
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akelijaan
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14th April 2006, 06:22 PM

hi everyone,
aaj hi nazar padi is kuccha-e-kalam par.apne sher se shuruwaat karna chahungi,umeed hai ki sahi ho.


tujhe paane se jo khushi milegi mujhe,
in honton par woh muskaan aana abhi baaki hai,


i sincerely hope yeh sahi hai...plz do continue
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akelijaan
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15th April 2006, 05:01 PM

kya hua bhai????? aap mai se kisi ne bhi continue nahi kiya?koi galati hai kya mere sher mai?

paras ji,ghayal ji,talib ji kahan hai aap sab?maine to socha tha ke aap mai se koi na koi to zaroor agla sher likhe ga par ab tak to kisi ne bhi continue nahi kiya.plz agar yeh sher galat hai to bataye mujhe aur ise sahi kijiye.aap sab ke zariye hi meri shayri mai sudhaar aayega.

agar yeh sher sahi nahi to kya yeh sahi rahega us sher ki jagah?


tujhe paalene ki khushi ka ehsaas abhi baaki hai,
mere honton par woh muskaan aana abhi baaki hai,


plz plz plz bataye mujhe
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Parastaar
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15th April 2006, 06:54 PM

My dear akelijaan...

maine abhi aapka likha sher dekha....jee haan isse sudhaarne ki zaroorat hai...aapka kaafiya 'ehsaas' second line mein 'aana' ke saath sahi nahin hai...

gar 'ehsaas' istemaal karein tau kafiyaa hoga for eg.

udaas, shanaas, qiyaas vagairaah

gar aap 'aana' ko chunti hain tau kafiyaa hoga....

jaana, rijhaana, maanaa, vagairaah

mein is samein zara jaldi mein hoon...phir tafseel se bataaongi...lekin aap maikash ji ki iss post par jaayiye aur dekhiye kaise aap sher ko sudhaar sakti hain, shukriyaa....

http://www.shayri.com/forums/showthr...&threadid=2125


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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akelijaan
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17th April 2006, 05:45 PM

shukriya parasji,bahut bahut.maine koshish to ki par ab shayad do lines ki lambayi sahi nahi.khair i hope yunhin mai dheere dheere ssahi shayri karsakungi.
thanks alot once again.


tujhe paalene ki khushi paana abhi baaki hai,
mere honton par woh muskaan aana abhi baaki hai,


agar aap koi sudhaar laaye is mai to aapki meherbaani hogi,umeed hai ab aage zaroor badhegi aur mukammal hogi yeh gazal
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masti
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17th April 2006, 05:50 PM

Dear akeli jaan

apke sher ko aage badati hoon

Dusra sher:

Tujhe paa loon to samjhu paa liye maine taare
woh chaad, woh suraj sagar nadiyaan saare

ummeed hai pasand aayega.
   
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masti
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17th April 2006, 06:29 PM

Pehla Sher

tujhe paa lene ki khushi paana abhi baaki hai,
mere honton par woh muskaan aana abhi baaki hai

-Akeli Jaan

Tujhe paa loon to samjhoon paa liye maine taare
Woh Chaand, Woh Suraj, Sagar , Nadiyaan saare

-Masti

Kripya AAge badaiye
   
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Parastaar
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17th April 2006, 08:46 PM

Sarika aur Akelijaan...

yeh pichali ghazal kuch aise ban paayi hai...main chahoongi ki aap dhyaan se radeef aur kafiyaa ko pehchaane...bin iske ghazal ghazal nahin hogi...

1st sher
Hai sab-kucch zindagi me par kucch kami si hai
Rukaa rukaa sa mera din, raat thhami si hi
--Pulkit Gupta

2nd sher
qismat se yahan kab, kaun jeet paya hai
jab apni hi lakeeron mein be-dami si hai
-Chandsi

3rd sher
Bewajeh gham ko paalein aisi to aadat nahi
aarzoo jo teri utari, aankhon mein nami si hai
-- Pallavi

4th sher
shab o roz karte hain tujhse mulakatein
phir bhi bata zindagi, kyun darhami si hai
--Deep

5th sher
humne kab tumse maange thhe ujaale
kuch teergi se apni bhi humdami si hai
--paras

6th sher
qaid kar lo mujhe apni baahon mein
bus aaj ki raat kucch sehmi si hai
--Deep

7th sher
Shaam se shama jalaye bethain hai
Tum aaye to lage hai ke roshani si hai
--masti

8th sher
tere pyar ne aisi ruswayi kee hai
ashqon mein bhi teri parchhayi si hai
--kuhulika

sarika aur kuhulika maine aap dono ke sher ko theek nahin kiya...sirf batlaane ke liye ki yahan 7th sher mein roshani aur 8th sher mein 'parchhayi' nahi hona chahiye thaa...

upar dekhiye tau...

sehmi si hai, humdami si hai, darhami si hai, kami si hai...hope this will help...

aap log nayi ghazal ka phir se aaghaaz karein...koshish kareinge tau hum seekh paayeinge na...


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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KunaaL
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27th June 2006, 05:52 PM

DostoN..

bohat dinoN se ye mehfil veeran si ho gayi hai .. aaj maiN khud kafi dinoN baad aaya huN... saur is mehfil pe nazar pad hi gayi .. khushkismat huN ki naya aagaaz karne ka mauka mil raha hai ... pesh-e-khidmat hai mera sher...

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

katra katra, kahaniyoN ko keh gaya...
Dard phir aaj nazroN se beh gayaa...

--Kunaal

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°


KunaaL (Sifar).........

Hai 'sifar' bhi reyazi ka hissa..
Shayrii bhi hisaab ki hogi..

Last edited by KunaaL; 27th June 2006 at 05:55 PM..
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akelijaan
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27th June 2006, 06:31 PM

hi everyone,
is baar phir jurrat kar rahi hun is gazal ko aage badhaane kii hope i m rite.parasji.plz aap batyega maine sahi likha ya nahi,

1st sher,
katra katra, kahaniyoN ko keh gaya...
Dard phir aaj nazroN se beh gayaa...

--Kunaal

2nd sher
tujh se muhabbat hai mujhe is qadr,
tere diye zakhmon ko yeh dil khushi se seh gayaa...

--akelijaan
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sakhi1909
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27th June 2006, 07:15 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by akelijaan
hi everyone,
is baar phir jurrat kar rahi hun is gazal ko aage badhaane kii hope i m rite.parasji.plz aap batyega maine sahi likha ya nahi,

1st sher,
katra katra, kahaniyoN ko keh gaya...
Dard phir aaj nazroN se beh gayaa...

--Kunaal

2nd sher
tujh se muhabbat hai mujhe is qadr,
tere diye zakhmon ko yeh dil khushi se seh gayaa...

--akelijaan
3rd sher----

har pal mein tumjhko dhunda hai hamne
har pal ret ki tarah fisal ke rah gyaa...


sakhi


कुछ ऐसे पल जिनको संजोना है ,
शब्दों में पिरोना है , जिससे वो हमारी यादों में महकते रहे
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27th June 2006, 07:25 PM

umeed hai paaras samjheNgi meri udasi ka kaaran


KunaaL (Sifar).........

Hai 'sifar' bhi reyazi ka hissa..
Shayrii bhi hisaab ki hogi..
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28th June 2006, 06:19 PM

4 Sher

Jindagi kuch is tarah bikhar gayi
khwabon ka ghar- khwaab mein hi dhe gaya
   
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1st July 2006, 01:27 PM

1st sher,
katra katra, kahaniyoN ko keh gaya...
Dard phir aaj nazroN se beh gayaa...

--Kunaal

2nd sher
tujh se muhabbat hai mujhe is qadr,
tere diye zakhmon ko yeh dil khushi se seh gayaa...

--akelijaan

3rd sher
har pal mein tumjhko dhunda hai hamne
har pal ret ki tarah fisal ke rah gyaa...

-sakhi

4 Sher

Jindagi kuch is tarah bikhar gayi
khwabon ka ghar- khwaab mein hi dhe gaya

-masti

5th sher

thi jo hasrat tumko paane ki
maut se guzre aur zindagi se reh gaye

-mast



Qasid


___________________________________________

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क्या है ज़हन में क्या बोल जाएँ

रफ़्तार-ए-दिल अब थम सी गयी है
'क़ासिद' पर अब है टिकी निगाहें
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candyboy
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6th July 2006, 04:26 PM

1st sher,
katra katra, kahaniyoN ko keh gaya...
Dard phir aaj nazroN se beh gayaa...

--Kunaal

2nd sher
tujh se muhabbat hai mujhe is qadr,
tere diye zakhmon ko yeh dil khushi se seh gayaa...

--akelijaan

3rd sher
har pal mein tumjhko dhunda hai hamne
har pal ret ki tarah fisal ke rah gyaa...

-sakhi

4 Sher

Jindagi kuch is tarah bikhar gayi
khwabon ka ghar- khwaab mein hi dhe gaya

-masti

5th sher

thi jo hasrat tumko paane ki
maut se guzre aur zindagi se reh gaye

-mast

Auro ki khaatir ye dil hasta gaya
Ek teri yaad aayi aur mein phir bikhar gaya

-Salim

Hi. Its my first time so hope my ineptitude is 4given.


Luvs,

Salim

If there are no tears in the eyes, there will be no rainbow in the soul

Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you.

We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly
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kuucha - e - kalam
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sunita thakur
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kuucha - e - kalam - 6th July 2006, 06:16 PM

1st sher,
katra katra, kahaniyoN ko keh gaya...
Dard phir aaj nazroN se beh gayaa...

--Kunaal

2nd sher
tujh se muhabbat hai mujhe is qadr,
tere diye zakhmon ko yeh dil khushi se seh gayaa...

--akelijaan

3rd sher
har pal mein tumjhko dhunda hai hamne
har pal ret ki tarah fisal ke rah gyaa...

-sakhi

4 Sher

Jindagi kuch is tarah bikhar gayi
khwabon ka ghar- khwaab mein hi dhe gaya

-masti

5th sher

thi jo hasrat tumko paane ki
maut se guzre aur zindagi se reh gaye

-mast

6th sher

Auro ki khaatir ye dil hasta gaya
Ek teri yaad aayi aur mein phir bikhar gaya

-Salim

7th sher

"Logo ne marey pather, to yeh dil sah gaya,
appney maara phool, to dil toot gaya"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


.....Sunita Thakur.....

यह कह कर मेरा दुश्मन मुझे हँसते हुए छोड़ गया
....के तेरे अपने ही बहुत हैं तुझे रुलाने के लिए...


   
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kuucha - 8th July 2006, 05:12 PM

tujhko dekhe ik jamana ho gaya
tare aane ke umeed par dil dewana ho gaya


mukesh kumar
   
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Parastaar
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10th July 2006, 05:37 AM

Pyaare Dosto…
Aap sab naye memberaan ko yahan dekh kar dil khush hua…pata chalta hai ki aapko ghazal kehne ki kitnee laalsaa hai…maine Anjana Rahi sahib se darkhwaast kee thee ki wo hum sabko iss ghazal kee khaamiyon ko bataayein…shayad masroof hain wo bhi…khair mujhe tau khaas shayri ka ilm nahin…lekin jo bhi thoda bahut jaanti hoon…uska istemaal kar ke ghazal theek kar rahi hoon…aap plz dhyaan dijiyega…

Iss ghazal mein radeef hai Gayaa
Aur kaafiya jo Kunaal (Sachha Pyaar) ke matle ke mutaabiq hai wo hai

Reh, beh, seh, deh, keh vagairah vagairaah…

iske alawaa ghazal mein flow hai ki nahin dekhna hota hai...lines bhi koyi bahut choti koyi bahut lambi nahin kar sakte...

1st sher,
katra katra, kahaniyoN ko keh gaya
Dard phir aaj nazroN se beh gayaa

--Kunaal

2nd sher
tujh se muhabbat hai mujhe is qadr,
zakhm tere diye dil khushi se seh gayaa...

--akelijaan

3rd sher
har pal mein tujhko dhuunda hai hamne
har pal ret ki tarah phisal kar reh gyaa...

--sakhi

4 Sher
Zindagi kuchh iss tarah bikhar gayi
khwaabon ka ghar aankh khuli tau deh gaya

--masti

5th sher

Thee badi hasrat tumko paane ki
maut se guzra aur zindagi se reh gaya

--mast

6th sher

Auron ki khaatir ye dil hansta raha
Ik teri yaad aayi dil aankhon se beh gaya

--Salim

7th sher

"Logo ke pheinke pathar, dil seh gaya,
tumne maara phool, yeh dil deh gaya"

--Sunita Virender

tumko dekhe bhi ik zamaana hua
Tere aane ka sun dil jhoom ke reh gaya

--Mkdeewana


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan

Last edited by Parastaar; 10th July 2006 at 05:39 AM..
   
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Parastaar
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10th July 2006, 05:55 AM

Lijiey nayi ghazal ka bhi aghaaz kiye deti hoon

yahan radeef hua kar li

aur kaafiyaa mein kaayenaat, hayaat, barsaat, saugaat vagairah vagairah...


1st Sher

Ik qatre ki suurat kaayenaat kar li
Ik lamhe mein humne basar hayaat kar li
--paras


nayi ruton mein wo kuchh aur qareeb aaye
gayi ruton ka sulagataa sa intezaar bhii ho

mere khuloos kaa andaaz ye bhii sachhaa hai
rakhuun na rabt magar dostii shumaar bhii ho

--Sayyidaa Fatimaa Hasan
   
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sunita thakur
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12th July 2006, 11:10 AM

1st Sher

Ik qatre ki suurat kaayenaat kar li
Ik lamhe mein humne basar hayaat kar li
--paras

2nd sher

"Milley na kushi to gammo se dosti kar li,
esi tarah se basar humne bhi hayaat kar li"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


.....Sunita Thakur.....

यह कह कर मेरा दुश्मन मुझे हँसते हुए छोड़ गया
....के तेरे अपने ही बहुत हैं तुझे रुलाने के लिए...


   
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masti
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12th July 2006, 11:29 AM

teesra sher

Raat aayi to chand se mulakat kar li
roshni se khushiyan ghar mein tainat kar li
   
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sunita thakur
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12th July 2006, 11:37 AM

teesra sher

Raat aayi to chand se mulakat kar li
roshni se khushiyan ghar mein tainat kar li

4th sher

"Baadlo ne merey chand ki chori kar ki,
akele rah mai maine uski yaddey saath kar li"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


.....Sunita Thakur.....

यह कह कर मेरा दुश्मन मुझे हँसते हुए छोड़ गया
....के तेरे अपने ही बहुत हैं तुझे रुलाने के लिए...


   
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16th July 2006, 04:19 PM

1st Sher

Ik qatre ki suurat kaayenaat kar li
Ik lamhe mein humne basar hayaat kar li
--paras

2nd sher

"Milley na kushi to gammo se dosti kar li,
esi tarah se basar humne bhi hayaat kar li"

- sunita virender

3rd sher

Raat aayi to chand se mulakat kar li
roshni se khushiyan ghar mein tainat kar li

-masti

4th sher

"Baadlo ne merey chand ki chori kar ki,
akele rah mai maine uski yaddey saath kar li"

-sunita virender

5th sher

lamhon se yunhi raahon mein mulaaqaat kar li
khwaabon mein hi unke kaaenaat kar li

-mast



Qasid


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